December 29, 2013

Blergh

Sometimes, wanting some very simple thing, can be counted as demanding. Like, wanting to be people's favourite.

Yes it is very demanding because you don't even favourite a person yet you're expecting people to like you? You're not a star. You are just a mole on a black sheep. You are like a tiny tiny little living micro-organism in a milky way.

That's just how I feel. Doesn't even worth a concern. Bye.

December 23, 2013

Pointless.

Bila buku nak sampai? Bila kerja nak siap? Bila exam nak start? Bila exam nak habis? Bila nak start belajar? Bila nak start membaca? Bila nak start menulis?

Bila?

Persoalan yang ntah bila akan selesai. Masa bergerak pantas. Aku semakin rajin menabur benih, memasang seribu satu cita cita. Persoalannya, bila nak semai?

December 21, 2013

helpless

my life,
has been quitely interrupted with people. people who were in and out. like an elevator. with different floors, different time and places. those people who came and left, had left their traces inside me. I wonder, if I ever had been on their head.

people like, my friends' moms, my friends' family members, my friends, who were once friends, strangers who I talked to although I don't know their names, people that had haunted me in dreams, of few faces I've seen in my dreams, or heard voices but their faces were blurry, people that I never talked to but they know me, or at least have seen me, people who I crossed to on the street.

I wonder if they ever remember me.

I want. I desperately want you to remember me. I am a pathetic. Beyond pathetic. I crave to be remembered. Hopelessly and helplessly pitiful. I am, rather a shameful being.

December 15, 2013

Game over.

I just wanna lay here and think about how much I have screwed up.

This is really, really bad. Never I expected it'd came out like this.

December 11, 2013

Let's.

Have you ever think that, at this point of your life, you should accept whatever comes in between, be it you've changed, or everything is going constantly unchanged or rather a lil ups and downs?

and so you're lonely
and so you're changing
and so everyone's leaving
or so
you're escaping.

Either way, things won't change abruptly to the point where you, are at your constant life cycle. You know that. It will change, but rather slowly. Everything seems like it doesn't move a bit but it actually is. At least, time is. You won't be forever you at your age.

It's weird.

The more I think, the more it leads me to pointless. I hate to choose to go with the flow because I don't want it to be like I am actually off track, or slipped or whatever. Let's just have faith that these upcoming weeks will go smoothly.

I ask you again, can I keep just this one?

It was when I never went below than B on my writing when I was in form 5 that I started to love writing, be it in bahasa or english. It must've been weird because it was just writing but everyone has different point of view and talent.

It's not like I write everyday or every hour. I'll write when I feel like writing, which is plenty. Sometimes I can track it, sometimes I lose count. And I believe that no one understands what it likes to be able to express thoughts in words and to have that exact meanings like what it feels like to have that (this is more like mere rhetoric and blunt.) But what I am trying to say's hard to understand. It's not just sharing thought, it's more than that. It's more than just write, more than expression.

It's a passion.

Jadi, hanya sekali ini aku rayu, supaya tidak disekat kemahuan aku. Dan kalau kegembiraan yang kau mahu tahu, disinilah ia bertugu. Jangan cari aku, kerna kau hanya akan menjumpai bayangku. Cari tulisanku, dan kau akan ketemu aku, disitu.

December 9, 2013

I…

1. I wonder how many hearts have I break throughout 21 years I have lived.

2. You know that one day, you feel your heart's beating. It beats fast, for someone. Or more than just one. Or when you are happy, sad, angry. And then it came to yr mind, have it ever beats for that One you believe Its existence? Have you ever?

3. I am really confused. I need someone to talk to. I don't know what to do I wanted to cry but then it won't solve any of these confusions.

4. Too much sleep is not helping.

December 2, 2013

Keseorangan (akhirnya)

Biarkan
Biarkan ia terus terusan membukit
Biarkan ia terus terusan membanjiri
Ia bahkan meledak
Dengan kata kata yang
Tak terungkap
Yang ketagihan luahan
Yang butuh telinga
Yang gersang hati

Biarkan
Biarkan kotak draf itu
Keseorangan.

November 30, 2013

For all I've known, writing a poetry is hard because you made up those feelings, the non-existence and you make it happen. That's tough. And that is what poets do. Unlike those who aren't poets but like poetry. And sometimes, write too.

No. I just feel like this is all wrong.


November 27, 2013

Kecenderungan.

I can be someone who wears heart on the sleeve.

I can also be someone who builds a wall so high.

Kadang kadang, aku meletakkan perasaan itu sebagai satu ujikaji. Hati itu sebagai experiment di mana yang menanggung semuanya adalah jiwa dan jasad aku.

Aku jadi eager untuk melihat perubahan perubahan yang berlaku pada mental dan fizikal aku. Terutamanya apabila aku terus terusan tenggelam dalam kegelapan. Pernah aku cuba untuk melawan rasa hitam itu, tetapi lama kelamaan, aku senang dihuni ia.

Aku lebih cenderung untuk tidak open up to anyone. Untuk menahan segala jerih perih perasaan sendiri. It hurts and it burns but I'm sort of like it that way. Setting fire to what inside for fun seperti kata Elena Tonra. Because we'd rather enjoy the pain than be in short happiness.

Do you think that it's weird to like the darkness this much?

November 25, 2013

Blues.

Right at this moment, I can feel the emptyness inside.

Ianya bukan kekosongan kerana engkau sunyi. Ia kekosongan yang maha nyata, yang beku. Seolah masa yang berjalan, tak lagi membawa apa apa makna kepada kau. Maybe numb is the most suitable term.

Aku rasa nak marah pada semua benda tanpa sebab yang pasti. Dan tulisan ini, hanya akan membuat aku terus hanyut sebelum aku menyedari yang ianya hanya sia sia. It won't cure this. It doesn't.

November 18, 2013

Brokenhearted.

Walaupun pada dasarnya, aku bukanlah anak yang baik, malah anak yang lebih banyak berahsia yang pada aku, everyone knows that I rarely share things with persons. Yang bercakap as in person, the awkward type, unless mereka lebih banyak meminta respon daripada aku.

Yet, some of my family members, are accusing me that I am starting to disappear from them. I hate how things work that way in our culture mostly. They don't ask. They just keep assuming.

I have you in my pray how could you think that i've forgotten you? I have you. I know I am not a good daughter. I sinned more than any of you. Dan aku sangat berharap yang tuhan akan menerima doa aku untuk mereka. Walaupun tuhan menolak doa aku ke atas diri aku.

It's just so sad you know. When you think of them every single day yet they said you're forgetting them just because you don't know how to show how much you care for them.

I just hope that someday, I will never be a parent like what I have.

November 16, 2013

Blue and Grey.

Overthinking.

I am not buying anymore drama but why is it hurt so much seeing someone you love, have somebody else waiting on them that you make believe to something that is far real that the person will left you guys alone eventually although you know whole heartedly that the person you love, loved you unconditionally what more do you want?


Sigh.
I apparently have to admit that I have these parasites eating my brain.

November 14, 2013

Kerinduan.

I need to put my phone away and if possible, very far away and grab a book and effing read.

Because I have been missing my old self too much.

Too much.

Kelopak Rasa - Usman Awang, 1964.

Jika rasa ini seperti angin malam
bertiup dari laut dan gunung
melampaui tanah-tanah subur dan ladang menghijau
hati ini akan menghembuskan bahagian yang melimpah
bergetar bagai riak di tasik hati bulan cerah
kepada setiap benda supaya semua sama mencecah.

Ambillah sebahagian dari rasa ini, terimalah
seperti hati yang kini mengerdip terserlah
keringkan air matamu, setitis jangan tumpah
biar kolam derita kering dan tak seorang pun 
meski pengemis di bawah jambatan dan lorong
merasa sepi dan menatap dunia serba kosong.

Dari sekuntum bibir dan sepasang mata hitam
bertunjang erti rasa: pedih- luka bahagia-ria
Itulah alam hati yang menumbuhkan pohon rasa
kelopak demi kelopak menjelma meniti musim

Bahagia, anugerah keramat, alangkah manisnya pagi ini
datang mendakapku dan biarlah ia selamanya menyanyi
pada setiap bibir dan hati
dengan megahnya mengukir kehalusan rasa.

November 9, 2013

Mumble.

Searching words at this hour with eyes half open, literally, not a good idea. Because, even you are staying up, filling up your blank pages with beautiful phrases and sentences dedicated to your loved one, but in the same time, floating half awake to dreamyland, really, it's not worth it.

I guess I am just staying up again, to fall asleep any time now.

Selamat malam.

November 8, 2013

A strange stranger.

I remember this one time, where this girl came to me suddenly and talked about everything for few hours. I think I told this before.

Practically she was a rower who came to our college to stay for the game. And she talked about rowing and told me that rowers use most of the muscles when rowing, basically, more than other athletes had ever. I dont know what was that suppose to mean bcs I had a freaking final exam after that day.

It was so random.

The way she talked had convinced me that rowers are awesome and she was awesome and I liked her. I remember in detail on what she told me. Everything. I wasnt really responding. I was listening all the time.

I was feeling really great.

November 4, 2013

November.

People like me, we don't really appreciate days and months.

People like me, we don't remember dates.

People like me, we don't create moments based on dates.

People like me, we don't celebrate birthdays.

Welcome dear November.
And I can't promise i'll make full of you.
But I will try.

October 30, 2013

Let's.

At this time like this, I really want to write something. Things, happened during my convocation day. The day that some ppl think it's a must to write about it really. But the idea of constructing a phrase, which is not coming from my humble heart, I had to forget about it. I had to.

I treasure everything. Let's just hush up and let the memories mend deep. And when the time comes, I will write.

October 19, 2013

Good again.

I wanna read good words. The kind of words that when you read them, you're melting inside. And you have this mixed feelings about them you don't know what it is but it feels good in a whole.

I wanna listen to good musics. All those mixed sounds or maybe just a single sound and constant rhythm that can make you have goosebumps and heart beats that you can hear. Your heartbeat.

I wanna write good words. Words that can make me feel better. Even if it is wrong. Because it's honest, so honest. Because I want it to be what it should be. Because they are my words.

I like this feeling I am having. Because the weather outside is telling me things. An it smiled at me. And I feel completely comfortable. And I have been missing someone. And it is a good thing. And it's suddenly pouring outside. And I am smiling the kind of smile that I know I am happy.

Good again. Good again.

October 18, 2013

Have you ever, believed that everything is actually peachy? That life as a whole is peachy? That you tried your best to believe that every little thing, has its sweetness even if it is little. Positivity is hardly there and stay but you always wish that when it comes, you just want it to stay because it makes you believe that whatever happens, there will be happiness.

October 11, 2013

Maturity.

Have you ever feel like you've grown far older than your actual age? Like the way you think especially, have you? Because I think I am like that. And I wonder why. It's not that you've grown conservative like most old people do bcs they're old fashioned, instead, the way you see life as a whole. Living itself as a whole.

It's okay. Doesn't matter. It's just a process everyone's probably going through. You'll get used to it.

October 10, 2013

Finding.

I miss the days when I didn't know things. Because I didn't judge. And I spoke bold. Because I know at that time, no one's gonna scold you. They even forgave you because they knew you don't know things. That you were naive, very pure. Your thoughts are all humble.

Things changed and life gets harder. Tragedy isn't it? Way too. Through it all, life goes on. Sometimes I asked myself, is that the only thing that I have? To keep me alive? To keep me holding? Am I happy or am I not I just don't know.

October 6, 2013

Nota-nota II.

1. Things have been better for now. I have been slightly better. Been making new friends and what not. Kind of okay life, I think?

2. I can't really brain this degree life. It is the same as what i've been through I should've known, turns out, I feel dumber like, have I studied this? Or, OMG WTF IS THIS?! Rather, CANNOT F'ING BRAIN THIS.

3. I am still missing them, moments that we treasured, still. Because creating a new one is hell years. And making new friends is what I am not capable of. On the bright side, we're all doing just okay bcs of the fact that we're broken in different places and that is really okay.

4. You know the moment when you see things and the words come beautifully on your mind and you are ready to type it out? I don't have that kind of ability now. I used to. And when it's already gone, it makes me numb.

5. Hurtful. Trying so hard to find happiness in numbness state is hurtful. You'll be okay. Things will get better eventually.

Let's just pray.

September 28, 2013

Kegelapan.

I hope to see life more of sleeps, wake ups, food, classes and hang outs.

Mencari cebis-cebis momen dan membentuk satu memori memerlukan jangka masa yang agak lama kerana aku merasakan seperti aku hidup dalam keadaan bungkam dan beku. Dalam keadaan vacuumed. Dan ajaibnya adalah apabila aku sendiri tidak merasa sesal terhadap masa yang terbuang.

Aku tidak mengejar masa. Aku malah menunggu masa. Seolah masa yang mengejar aku. Dan apabila masa meninggalkan aku, aku seperti tak peduli. Hidup harus diteruskan.

'Why efforts? Everyone's gonna die eventually.'

September 27, 2013

Girls dorm.

Once when I was in high school, I stayed in a hostel. And then one day, I was listening to my dormmate, talking about something I can't remember. She was in the middle of changing her uniform to casual attire.

And because of her locker located near the door, I remembered I leaned by the door, staring at her half shirtless body. She took her bra and started putting it on with her breasts covered with cloth while talking.

And when she got her bra on, she pulled the cloth off. One of the cup folded slightly inside and there I was staring at her exposed nipple, feeling uncomfortable inside, whether to tell her or just enjoy the view. She kept on talking, grabbed her shirt, and there, her nipple covered again.

The end.

September 26, 2013

What am I thinking

At this stage of this thing I'm having, we're having, I lose my self control.

You might see that I'm the toughest one. Because I drew that thick line, I built that concrete wall, I know.

I know that sooner or later, those will be gone over time. And I'm changing. And I'm becoming you. And I'm losing myself everyday.

And if you leave, and if you leave. Well, I don't want to think about that. I'm falling, quite deep. It scares me, that I might as well lose the light I've been hold onto.

September 15, 2013

--

"Dan mereka yang hidup bersama kaum selain mereka, akan mati bersama kaum tersebut."

Jadi, Tuhan lebih mengetahui akan sesuatu yang kamu tidak ketahui. Mengapakah kamu berpura-pura dan bongkak kalah Tuhan? Benarlah bahawa sesungguhnya, golongan yang jahil itu lebih ramai dari mereka yang memperingat dan memandu.

September 7, 2013

Sigh.

Aku cuba untuk selami setiap perkataan yang terdapat pada setiap muka buku The Time Traveler's Wife. And all I got is this mental picture of things that I don't have any idea why on earth that I bothered.

Tidaklah aku teruja untuk menghabiskan novel ini tetapi aku amatlah teruja untuk memulakan Keigo Higashino's The Devotion of Suspect X.

Maybe I should not read at all.

September 5, 2013

Nota-nota.

1. Orientation is coming to its end. And it's the most real social thing I did fr this few months.

2. Sometimes, I want to be irresponsible fr what I've done, indulgencing myself with this feet-above-the-ground feelings. Because suddenly, everything seems like about to crush.

3. I think the wall around me is built up, again. I am accused for pushing people away when that isn't my intention to do. So I guess, she's back. The one that's in her comfort zone who is very comfortable to be alone.

4. The days have gone by seriously serious exhausted and times found numb. And I am numb.

5. It really looks like the world is cheering fr you when strangers come to you with their hearts on the sleeves trying to say everything's gonna be alright. I'm completely happy with that.

6. There are two types of people. It's people that I like and fuck-you-people kinda.

7. Starting something new in the same place seems hard to do. Because the place is not new. And you have to be new.

August 30, 2013

Diluah mati emak, ditelan mati bapak.

Dan meninggalkan yang sekarang, takkan dapat mengembalikan yang dah tergadai.
Kerana ia sia-sia.
Dan mungkin sesuatu yang hodoh itu akan berubah kepada yang indah jika kita mencorakkannya bukan?

Atau sekurang-kurangnya kita cuba.

August 26, 2013

--

Maybe I'm just very very very super extremely lucky.

August 24, 2013

School.

I don't know exactly what I'm feeling now. Happy, sad, confused. Never I imagined that it'd be this fast. I can't even grasp at what's happening.

School is starting.

I have less than 7 days to be prepared. Siapa sangka. We're the second choices. But whatever, I'm still grateful bcs others have worse. And that unfortunate others are important persons in my life.

Sad. Because I've to resign.
Excited. Because I'm gonna see my friends soon.
Confused. Because i didn't expect that this day would come this fast.

So and so, I have this can't sleep syndrome.

August 22, 2013

About leaving it, or getting started?

Today, I found my long lost hobby. And I'm gonna start what I have left. And believe me, it's gonna last only a week.

I'm getting intoxicated.

To be free.


I was about to register myself as one of this blogger community because I am a part of them to be acknowledged. I was quite enthusiastic at first I don't know why. I clicked at the register form and was about to fill it then I realized this one thing. I don't wanna be acknowledged (to those who didn't know me. In fact, to the whole world). It came to me that I'm not that eager and excited and to be honest, incredibly wanted to be a part of them. I never were.

I am always belonged everywhere I want. Not just in certain community.

Favs.


August 20, 2013

Egypt.

Aku meniti satu-satu abjad. Aku serap. Yang mana harus aku percaya? Yang mana harus aku terima? Yang manakah haq? Dan yang manakah batil?

Tuhan, tunjukkan kami jalan.

August 19, 2013

Breathe.

I love being myself.
I love being hard to understand.
I love metaphors.
I wanna be a metaphor.
I wanna be something that no one can reach.
Something like abstract.
I love define things. Define things that worth defining.
I don't care if people don't understand anything that comes out from me. Or people misunderstood me. Because we think differently. We never shared brains. Think, while you still can. Think.
Say everything that worth saying. Say.

I feel fantastic to feel this way. It is.

Naif.

Pada aku pembaca adalah sangat naif.

Pembaca, mereka tidak melihat. Mereka membayang. Mereka melihat untuk membaca. Dan mereka cuba mewujudkan sesuatu yang abstrak dalam minda. Dan aku merasakan itu sangat naif. Sangat jujur.

Aku adalah jenis pembaca yang jatuh cinta pada attitude. Bukan pada fizikal karakter yang penulis cuba sampaikan. Dan kebanyakan dari fiksyen yang menjadi kegemaran aku, jarang menggambarkan bentuk fizikal karakter secara detail.

Aku seronok untuk tidak jatuh cinta hanya pada fizikal. Rupa mungkin menjadi keutamaan, tetapi untuk jatuh hati pada budi, itu pada aku adalah unik.

Cheesy as it seems.

Jika engkau minta intan permata
Tak mungkin ku mampu
Tapi sayangkan ku gapai bintang
Dari langit untuk mu

Jika engkau minta satu dunia
Akan aku coba

Persetan.
I forgot the lyrics. As well as those promises.

August 18, 2013

Perkara #2.

Malu. Malu untuk rasa malu. Malu untuk berhadapan dengan perkara memalukan.
Aku letak tepi semua tu. Orang memperbodohkan kau, kau rasa malu. Kau buat sesuatu yang bodoh tanpa kau sendiri menyedarinya sampai orang mentertawakan kau. Orang ketawakan kau. So what? 5 years from those moments, orang takkan peduli. It may last for a week, or a month. But it won't last forever kan?

Jadi perkara terbaik adalah untuk menidakpedulikan ia. Cuba untuk menjadi diri sendiri seratus persen. Walaupun itu adalah agak mustahil.

Mustahil pada tanggapan aku kerana dalam mencapai kehidupan untuk berasa gembira atas kegembiraan orang lain caranya dengan tidak mengabaikan perasaan orang lain, bukan? Jadi kau takkan dapat jadi diri kau sendiri kerana kau masih mengikat tali-tali pada orang sekeliling kau, pada orang yang kau sayang. Jadi ia mustahil.

Hanya tidak mustahil apabila kau sepenuhnya narcissist. Super narcissist. Self obsession.

Perkara.

Abah berkata pada ketika kami dalam perjalanan pulang ke Melaka, di mana antara saat-saat yang selalu aku tunggu, mempunyai masa bersama berbual dengan Abah, "Kawan sekolah tak sama macam kawan di kolej, waktu diploma."

Pada Abah, kawan sekolahnya lebih rapat berbanding teman-temannya di kolej dulu. Which is really different from me.

Aku treasure kawan kolej aku lebih dari sekolah.

Aku tak terlalu terbuka sewaktu di sekolah. Aku lebih pada sifat bersendirian aku dan bersama circle aku. I took self-awareness very seriously. Berbanding waktu diploma aku. Aku hang-out dengan friends of friends yang selama ni aku tak pernah terfikir nak buat. Sebab aku jenis janggal, shy, socially awkward, and stuff.

Memang betul, manusia berubah. Dan aku cuba mengambil peluang untuk berubah. Untuk meletakkan semua yang selama ini aku takutkan, kepada satu garis, tahap, yang aku dapat terima - apa nak jadi, jadilah.

August 17, 2013

August 16, 2013

Rawak.

Membacakan tulisan-tulisan orang membuatkan aku rasa nak menulis. Menulis tentang apa sahaja. Dan keadaan menjadi lebih teruk bila apa yang aku nak tulis tu, berselirat dalam benak. Sebab, rawak. Aku membaca sesuatu yang rawak.

Misalan, tentang makanan. Atau manusia. Apa sahaja, membuatkan aku nak menulis (juga) tentang semua.

Sehingga aku kata, "ApabendaniSarah?!"

Stop. Being. Greedy. One, at a time.

Selalu aku pesan pada diri sendiri. Sekali pada suatu masa. Sebab aku memang terkenal dengan sifat gelojoh. Serbu. Serbu sampai tepu. Dan akhirnya, satu pun tak diselesaikan. Terkandas, terbiar, di tengah jalan. Jenis tak sabar. Dan tak consistent.

Dan akhirnya aku menulis ini. Sesuatu yang tiada punca.

August 13, 2013

Life's a journey, of a messed up traveller.

Kawan.

Dan aku rasa bertuah, mempunyai mereka yang unik, yang pada tanggapan masyarakat, pelik. Kerana sifat mereka, kerana kejanggalan mereka, pada mereka mendefinisikan sesuatu perkara, pada cara pemikiran mereka. Seolah hampir kesemuanya, bikin aku kagum.

Kawan. Definisinya memang luas.

There.

There are days
Like this day
When I feel like doing everything I love doing it
Travelling
Rereading favourites
Eating fruits
Cycling
Breathing the after rain air
Listening to good music
Laughing with loved ones
Drawing
Coffees and teas
Beach hanging
Or just drive
And stuff.

Bliss
And blessed.

August 11, 2013

Fear.

Aku takut pada saat aku berhenti untuk menulis. Takut pada saat untuk aku meluah. Takut pada saat aku berhenti untuk berfikir. Takut pada saat aku berhenti untuk membaca.

Ia cuna fasa. Fasa-fasa yang dah aku lalui, sedang dan bakal aku lalui. Dan aku akan melalui fasa di mana aku akan perlahan-lahan menjauhi penulisan dan terus lenyap.

Sama. Seperti. Mereka.

Sweet nothing.

"Kita suka awak sebab awak cool."

"Awak sporting. Awak suka tolong member. Awak suka jadi diri awak. Awak tak pretentious. Awak suka tengok orang happy. Awak penyayang. Awak suka dahulukan orang dulu, fikir pasal orang dulu."

"And awak kuat :)"

"Really."

"It's too long for a list I'm afraid it would go on forever."

"You're not like others I've met seriously."

"Can i cry?"

"I miss yr shoulder."

"I miss to cry on yr shoulder."

"I've never cried in front of anybody as much as I cried in front of you."

"In fact I don't even remember if I ever cried in front of anyone."

"Except you."

I think I've grown up,
    to be a sweet talker.

July 29, 2013

Truth.

There, there. Here comes the feeling I thought I've lost it.

Fear.
Anger.
Confused.

Truth hurts. And that's exactly what I should do, by telling the truth. But I wasn't. It's too hurtful. It's gonna cut quite deep.

Selamat memakan diri, hati.

July 25, 2013

Pencarian.

Semoga pencarian ini membuahkan hasil. Kalaupun bukan hasil, mungkin usaha yang berterusan. Dan sabar sebagai peneman.

Titik.

Kau tak tahu
Betapa aku rindu
Untuk terbang di awanan
Dan menari di bulan

Kau tak tahu
Aku punya hati batu
Yang kata tak mahu
Dengan nada kayu

Kau tak tahu
Kau hanya satu
Dan kau perlu
Berlari tanpa aku

Satu hari nanti

July 23, 2013

Jatuh.

Jatuh.
Jatuh pada kata-kata adalah sesuatu yang indah pada aku. Pada, bagaimana ia menyelami perkataan dan menghargai metafora.

Jatuh.
Jatuh pada janji-janji adalah lain pula bagi aku. Janji dan keikhlasan. Kadang buat aku letih. Letih berdiri di atas lutut goyah yang bakal rebah antara kepercayaan dan keikhlasan.

Sometimes, I rather not think about it.

Kadang kata-kata berupa harapan, bukanlah seperti yang kita harapkan. Dan menjadi sesuatu yang kita pegang, adalah untuk tidak mudah memberi kepercayaan. Untuk tidak mudah jatuh.

Puasa.


Right now, at this very moment, I really feel like eating something, craving for every food I've seen, I've imagined. Ya, aku berpuasa. Dan kecelakaan yang berlaku di dalam perut aku telah menghantar aku ke dunia lain dan bermimpi. Not literally mimpi, if you know what I mean.

It's been 13 years or less you've been fasting. Takkan tak larat kot?

Maybe my nafs is getting stronger by years,
Maybe I've become weaker by days.

July 20, 2013

Attachment.

It's hard, when you have a crush towards your best friend. Or friends. When you're already with someone.


Funny, when I realized that I have so much love to give.
Or maybe,

it's just the contained emptiness.

July 18, 2013

Sigh.

Nak menangis pun dah tak guna
Mungkin betul tiada rezeki. Mungkin rezeki yang bakal tiba lebih bermakna dari yang diharapkan.

I'm kinda fed up of 'maybe' thoughts.

Intro-extra-vert.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I feel like I really need to stop reading. Because only then, I see that there are mortals around me. That there is a whole world, a real one, is trying to talk to me instead of me having conversations with dear self.

I don't know anymore, if reading is a good thing.

July 12, 2013

Ugh

When these people can't stop complaining about how miserable their life is. How because of that one opportunity they get, that people like us didn't get it, and they just can't stop whining, and it's annoying. Really really annoying, that they should just stfu, and be grateful instead.

Is it that hard? To say thanks? Rather than eternally complaining?

July 8, 2013

Youth.

Warmed touches,
it heat
through every inch
of 
her skin,
of
forbidden places,
she shouldn't 
have let him.

And she misses those traces,
of curiosity
the
devilish
stares,
of eager
eyes
and hunger
lusts.

Death.

Destroying
one self
has been a new
way
of
killing
one self,
of
a slow suicide
very
sly
and mischief.

One can never
kill
one self
as in direct
and
fastest,
but one can always
be invisible
and that
is
also
being
dead.

July 4, 2013

Curiosity.

I have this urging curiosness going around
About cigarette
And the whole of its existing architectural
How it became a sweet-sweetful thought
Of me sucking it.

I studied and wondered
How the dust and the chemicals
Steaming the throat
Heating the bronchioles
Warming the nerves
And
Gives a contained satisfaction.

'If you wanna know how does it feel like, you have to try.
That my friend, is a complete discovery.'
Says me.

The day when I can't sleep.

Today
I can't sleep
Maybe I can if I try hard.
You complained on how early I hit the shack lately
That you've waited for me
Even if it takes the whole night.

Funny
How am I not feel tired at all
Funnier
How am I not sleepy a bit
Like have you sucked my sleepness darling
Because you're now sleeping soundly
While i'm here wondering of why my eyes are hardly shut.

July 3, 2013

Preoccupined.

Pieces.

It's been awhile, right?
Life has been good
I'm no longer jobless now
And I wish that September comes sooner
So I can quit early.

I'm average
Sometimes i'm happy with people around
And sometimes I wish the day just end faster.

It's funny when you love someone so much and suddenly the thought came and it was like, you really think you're gonna marry him? Like, don't you remember God and his plans?

I'm glad I have a stepmom
Sometimes, you need other moms because that one mom you have, doesn't understand you.
I was thinking that when the day mom's gone, what would I react, how?
And
I can't think.

June 12, 2013

Of people.

Suatu hari, aku terfikir. Selama mana aku nak stuck with the same person? Same people? Same attitude and same behaviour? Atau mungkin aku boleh kekalkan mereka dan tarik the outsiders. Atau aku boleh buang mereka, dan make new friends.

Kalau ikutkan hati, i'd rather choose the second one. Buang mereka dan ambil pengalaman baru bersama orang yang baru. Because the first choice is a hell to pay. Risky. Sebab aku percaya of the aftermath it holds that, the bigger the cicrcle, the chaotic it will be.

Dan masalah aku ialah, tidak mahu kekal dan tak bergerak bersama circle yang telah wujud ini. There's still one option tho, that I keep a distance between the two parties. The outsiders, and the circle. Dengan ini, masalah akan menjadi lebih mudah. Harap-haraplah.

June 6, 2013

Moments.

Those random road trips, sleepless nights. A trip because one of us was having a bad time. It was really fun back then.

I remember the time when we were gonna send the car for service. At first, it was planned that 3 persons going together and then, orang ni tarik orang ni and then few of us merajuk sebab tak dapat pergi sebab kereta penuh.
Padahal pergi servis kereta je. Sampai macam tu sekali.

Haha.

This is bad.

If you were me, what would you do?

I mean, i'm not really like this. I never were like this. I miss my friends, that's the funny thing. What happen is they're all somewhere far, bunch together at one place while i'm, I am stranded here alone.

At some point, it's good. I don't have to see the same people over again. I get to learn new things and meet new people and new environment. Everything is new. Sometimes I lost in it.

I start to miss those moments we had. Lepak together. Vacation sama-sama. That I'm losing track of myself day by day. I never was the old me. Is that the right thing? Or the wrong one? I don't know.

I really miss you guys.

Tak payah cakap. End of story

I have so many things to tell. So much feelings to share. Yet, aku tak tahu macam mana nak express. Or maybe that i'm just too lazy to write. And how is that I get to write this?

June 1, 2013

And the rest is history.

"It really is hard being me. That I wish I never be me. I don't know what I want and what's right to do. But I really love you. And I hate choices. And the last thing I would choose is not choosing you. I'm not blaming anyone or anything but I wish somehow, there's a place for only us. Wanting you is the hardest. And I still choose to stay…"

At this very moment.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I feel like I don't belong to anywhere except to some deserted island. Some place like, i'm thinking of a place that it has ground that you can step to infinity and fly to endlessness. Because when you want everyone the most, it's the time that you actually need a lil time for yourself. 

I just wanna be alone. At least.

May 30, 2013

Buntu.

Perjalanan hari-hari aku terasa amat lambat. Banyak masa-masa aku dihabiskan dengan twitter sampai lebam, scroll timeline yang tak sudah dengan kata-kata di mana semua orang cuba untuk tidak berhenti bercakap dan yang tinggal hanyalah orang-orang seperti aku, yang cuba membunuh masa dengan membaca bullshit.

Ada masanya aku cuba buat drawing, draw benda-benda merepek, bentuk-bentuk yang secara mayanya sangat berbeza dengan realiti.

Aku bosan. Sehingga kadang-kadang aku berharap dapat skip all these days and months, so that when I blink, it is already September.

May 22, 2013

Tragedy.

Saat itu apabila mata kau terkatup dan kau hanya mampu berkata, 'apa yang jadi lepas ni, jadilah.'

Like you're giving up your life.

And when you opened up your eyes, on the spur of the moment, you were back in reality and you cried as much as you can unrealized whether you were grateful  because you've came back or terribled that you didn't leave.

May 19, 2013

Masa.

Ada masanya, aku rasa seperti aku terlalu kejam dengan diri sendiri. Membiarkan soalan-soalan yang tegar jawapan, lenyap searus detik.

Ada masanya, aku menanam fikiran-fikiran positif pada perkara yang dah nampak pokok pangkalnya.

Ada masanya, aku rasa mempercayai kau adalah bodoh.

Ada masanya, aku rasa manusia memerlukan lebih masa dan peluang.

Dan akan ada masa nanti, aku berjalan pergi, jauh dari kau.
Jauh dari dunia yang dipanggil 'kita'.

May 18, 2013

Perihal kucing.

Dalam rumah ni, ada seekor ibu kucing. Kami tak pernah bercadang untuk membela kucing. Tak pernah. Sampai la suatu hari ni bila datang seekor kucing yang kerap kali keluar masuk rumah. Seekor tortoiseshell. Mak tak suka nak bela binatang. Mungkin kerana tanggungjawab dirumah membuatkan mak tak mampu untuk memberi perhatian kepada mereka.

Dulu kami pernah membela seekor kucing sewaktu di Johor. Waktu tu aku berumur 3-4 tahun, waktu paling teringin untuk memiliki seekor binatang peliharaan. Seekor kucing berbulu oren dan berekor panjang. Kemana sahaja kami pergi, kami bawa ia bersama anak-anaknya. Terutamanya ke kampung. Tapi itu kisah lama. Aku pun tak tahu apa jadi pada kucing tu. Atau aku lupa? Dan itu adalah kucing terakhir belaan kami.

Dan semenjak aku balik dari utm, akulah yang memberi kucing ini makan. Kadang-kadang mak yang bagi. Pernah suatu ketika, aku teringin nak beli makanan kucing tapi dilarang adik aku. Entah. Aku pun tak beli. Aku bagi je lebihan makanan pada kucing tersebut. Sampai sekarang ia tak bernama. Dan tak sangka, ia bunting.

Setengah daripada aku berharap, agar dia tak melahirkan anak-anaknya di sini. Setengah daripada aku berharap aku lah orang pertama yang dapat melihat anak-anaknya. Kadang-kadang aku kesian tengok ibu kucing ni. Tapi, tiada siapa punya hidup yang sempurna.

Perutnya pun dah semakin membesar. Aku cuma berharap tiada satu pun daripada yang dikandungnya mati. Moga-moga.

May 15, 2013

Of hipster.

There is this term that I don't understand. Hipster.

Does smoking make you a hipster? And and taking drugs? Cause yanno what, i'm sick of how they labelled persons fallaciously with that.

A smoker is just smoker. Especially a she. I don't have problems with smokers tho after all, we're all destroying ourselves sanely or unconscious. It's just that we don't know when is the exact time that we're gonna leave this world, and who's gotta be the first one.

May 11, 2013

Out of topic, again.

Dan seminggu yang penuh dan tersangat penuh…

Selalunya aku pasti akan merungut akan hari-hari aku yang tidak produktif dan membosankan, dan tiba suatu masa yang sehingga aku rasakan badan tak cukup rehat dan bakal rebah pada bila-bila masa, barulah aku merasakan betapa produktifnya hari aku.

"Tidur itu Sarah, sifatnya memang tak akan pernah cukup." Kata adik aku sewaktu aku merungut tentang betapa tidak puasnya aku tidur.

Benar kata dia, semakin kita membesar, semakin kita kerap tidur. Kerana tidur itu lebih indah daripada berhadapan dengan dunia yang kita tak tahu kebenarannya. Kadang-kadang aku rasa, biarlah ditipu dengan kehidupan dan tahu atas fakta telah ditipu, daripada tak tahu kesahihan sesuatu kebenaran.

April 30, 2013

Of understanding.

There are certain proses, or poems, I read that are hard to understand, even if it's written in the most simplest way. You know. And most of all, that's what I like about it. Those parts that are hard to understand.

It makes you want to know more, understand more thus making you read it more, reread after reread. And how you digest those words, form them in your own words that you can understand, or wish you'd understand. And sometimes, I don't even care anymore if I can't understand. You know what, after all, I enjoyed reading it. And that is more than enough.

April 29, 2013

I wish I could.

Dan esok.. Dan tadi.. Dan selepas esok..

Aku cuma berharap, segalanya berjalan lancar untuknya.

-

How I hate that when I thought that i'm gonna be fine but eventually I'm not.

-

I still think that you are the best i've ever had. You're the first that gave me those feelings, how can I forget?

And that is the toughest part.

-

Sudah pasti ianya sesuatu yang tidak patut kau pendam andai kau mempunyai seorang sahabat yang menganggap diri kau sahabatnya tetapi tidak pada kau.

Aku tahu aku seorang yang tidak bersyukur bila aku punya seorang kawan yang selalu ajak lepak, tanya tentang kehidupan aku, hari aku, beri hadiah pada setiap hari jadi aku. Tapi itu semua tak berjaya meyakinkan aku bahawa dia adalah kawan baik aku.

Aku tahu aku kejam. Dan aku masih tak tahu kenapa dia masih menganggap aku sebagai kawan baiknya sedangkan aku setiap kali cuba untuk lari daripada dia. Yes we were friends since we were 9 year old. And up until now, aku masih lagi rasa janggal.

Dan untuk menyatakan kebenaran, ianya amat payah. Tambahan pula kau adalah antara orang yang dia sayang. And after all these years, kau baru nak bagitahu dia? I think it is better that I forget about it.

Maybe that it is guilt that I feel. That I never care about her. More than she did.

April 21, 2013

Inappropriate post.

Kadang kadang aku rasa kelakar melihat manusia. Semua orang seolah mencuba keras untuk menjadi cool and awesome and stuff by sharing or approximately, boasting whatever they do in real life to all social medium available. I mean, come on.

It was kind of scary thing to do before when internet wasn't really popular atau pertama kali diperkenal. We do not share what we eat when we first got our friendster or myspace do we?

Seperti instagram. Aku percaya setiap kejadian yang berlaku dalam kehidupan kau tidak appropriate untuk di-instagram-kan. Dan kadang kadang apa yang di kongsi itu adalah amat ridiculous dan wtf. Dan apps yang semakin merepek dan vary.

Above all, it's kind of funny thing especially when they said that they are so anti social and stuff but so well known on the internet.

Because it is the internet.

April 20, 2013

Feeling unfriend.

Alkisah sifat dan perwatakan aku yang agak self-centered dan kadang-kadang care too much sangat menjengkelkan. Aku membayangkan diri aku sebagai orang lain yang memerhatikan aku, must had thinking that that girl is crazy.

Macam mana nak menyampaikan thought tu dalam perkataan? Let's just say, aku adalah manusia yang cenderung ke arah stepping away. Betul ke tu?

As an escapist, secara tidak rasmi, aku selesa untuk tidak melibatkan diri dalam mana mana relationship bersama mana mana manusia. Okay itu overly acted.

Satu situasi di mana kawan atau orang yang rapat dengan aku, I keep a distance from them. Rapat like gila babi punya rapat pun, still I give them space. Dan kadang kala ruang yang aku beri, terlalu luas sehinggakan you can't see what's coming towards you in every angle. Atau mungkin ruang itu aku cipta sendiri untuk diri aku sebenarnya.

A self-centered person, mereka bersifat habis madu sepah dibuang dan buruk siku at the same time.

And yes, I made myself to be an escapist.

p.s: come to think of it, just do what comforts you and be you and stop complicate things and stuff and whatever

April 19, 2013

Moments I treasured.

Late night calls. Morning calls. Breakfast dates. Complete silence. Heart beats. Starry nights. Rain appreciations. Stay ups. Stories. Thoughts. Confessions. Groceries shoppings. Journeys. Book huntings. Music sharings. Long talks.

April 18, 2013

"I'm only telling you this because life, can do terrible things." - Mayday Parade

Life's more than just waking ups.
Life's more than just sad songs.
Life's more than just memories.
Life's more than just hopes.

.
.
.
.
I keep that in mind.
In case I don't feel like living.

April 12, 2013

Question.

Kadangkala aku tertanya, apa tanggapan manusia terhadap tulisan aku?

Pernah suatu ketika dulu, aku menulis sebagai inspirasi untuk mereka, untuk diri aku sendiri. Bukan macam sekarang. Aku sendiri tak berinspirasi. Dan membacakan tulisan aku sendiri, aku rasa, seolah-olah mencari diri aku yang dulu. Yang positif.

Pandangan aku masih positif, secara general; keseluruhan. Cuma rasa itu, seperti, tiada.

Berbeza dengan adik aku yang buku motivasinya bersusun bertingkat-tingkat pada rak buku. Tapi aku tak heran pun nak membelek. Mungkin niat tu ada. Mungkin aku cuba untuk menafikan. Atau mungkin, aku dah pun negatif, unconsciously.

April 9, 2013

I am.

I'm writing you out of my dreams.
I'm losing tracks of your life.
I'm stepping away from your circle.
I'm building up the walls.

I'm making my way.
Away from you.

April 7, 2013

Some things.

Okay here's the thing. What am I doing running away from people?

Aku tak tahu. Dan aku blah tanpa berkata apa-apa. Dan mereka perlu sebab dan penerangan. Tapi aku masih lagi dengan absolute egocentrism aku, angkuh dan... Apa masalah aku tak nak menyatakan apa yang aku rasa sebenarnya?!

I don't know. I just mad at myself. What's the problem? Tell them. Just tell them you don't want them in your life! You've had enough of yourself yet you let them enter your life? Like, hell no. You know that aren't you? They'll understand, somehow... You just have to say it.

I don't wanna lose them. Because I know that someday, i'm gonna need them. I don't want any of this, ends. I just need a little time of myself, I guess.

Why is it so hard?

Something.

Sometimes, I wish that I could just swooshed away and gone from everyone and everyone will just stay what they are. But then that'd be unfair for them that I leave without saying anything. And of course I'm not afraid about leaving everyone. Not even a bit.


But,
Am I ready?

March 28, 2013

Counting days.

Day goes by. I'm getting old. You grow older. People change.

What i'm trying to say is, this campus life of mine gonna end soon. Exciting isnt it?

But what lies behind it is actually, all these thing that i'm experiencing are, of cycles that had happened before. And funny how I get so sentimental and all that which I never ever had before. Because i'm the type that always looks forward. It just so weird what is happening to me?!

I guess i'm changed.

March 9, 2013

Let's just forget the title shall we?

Aku dalam kondisi tak tahu pada siapa yang patut aku percaya, siapa yang sepatutnya aku letakkan title kawan itu sendiri.

Kadang kadang aku sendiri tertanya tanya, aku masih ada kawan lagi ke?

Salah seorang kawan baik aku memegang satu prinsip bahawa as a friend, you should support them in whatever they do. That's what friends do.

Technically, bukan pada aku. Friends do whatever it takes to help their friends go through happy and tough time, and give a best decision to whatever problem their friends are having, including problems they think they're so right.

Aku sedih melihatkan kawan aku yang dah berubah at certain conditions. Dia tak berubah pada keseluruhannya atau mungkin sifat tu dah memang lama ada dalam diri dia tapi dia tak tunjuk.

Its funny tho how a stranger, can change you in a minute and makes you forget who you used to be.

Bila kata kawan tak nak dengar, kata outsiders kau sibuk iakan.

March 5, 2013

Too many dreams, too many responsibilities. You sure don't want that are you?

It started with a what-if.

Sarah, what if one day, you'll find me as someone who becomes a professor, who teaches other professors?

And then other several what-ifs came.

What if one day you'll see me driving a lamborghini? What if one day i'm here as somebody? What if I become a billionaire? What if that. What if this. What is then. You wouldn't wanna believe.

And there I was, like, what if you shut up and get done with everything then you talk? Wtf.

February 27, 2013

Tentang rasa.

Aku tak pernah rasa bahawa adalah menjadi satu kesalahan untuk menerima seseorang yang baru kita kenal menjadi seseorang yang punya sesuatu dalam hidup kita.

Contohnya, menerima confession daripada mereka dan memberi rasa apa yang perlu mereka rasa. Sebab aku rasa everyone deserves to be happy. Unless, dia rasa tak cukup dengan apa yang dah kau bagi pada dia, tak cukup dengan tahap kemampuan kau.

There is nothing wrong of being nice. Thus you can't stop anyone to not feels anything when they already have.

Do undertstand.

Is it okay for you that I said that we'll be forever friends even though I know that you have feelings for me when I don't? Or at least I had once and not anymore? That I don't know how to tell you and I think I told you enough that I assume that you understand what i'm feeling.

I still remember you sometimes. And that feelings that I had felt before, they were there when I didn't need them the most.

There is nothing you can do about it. About us. Cause i've moved on. And I do afraid of the fact that this kind of friendship won't last long.

I'll keep this wall up high, so that you won't go over and suffer on things that you shouldn't had felt first.

February 25, 2013

Meanwhile.

Secara teknikalnya, aku sudah pun mencecah 21 tahun hari ini. Dan pada mulanya aku tidak lah begitu teruja untuk menyambut kedatangan hari jadi aku yang pada aku adalah sama seperti hari hari biasa, setiap tahun.

Dan aku masih tidak teruja dengan penambahan nombor pada title umur itu sendiri.

Dan mereka masih ada untuk aku. Aku rasa bertuah, tak tipu. Walaupun hanya dengan lafaz ucapan selamat hari jadi, mampu untuk buat aku rasa sangat sangat terharu. Aku sangat sangat hargai semua itu, sungguh.

Dan adalah agak malang apabila pada harijadi kau, kau kena mengadap test dan buku serta kelas seharian.

Dan hanya kerana anxious syndrome melampau yang aku hidapi ketika ini, aku tak boleh nak melelapkan mata. Well hello there insomnia.

February 22, 2013

Idk.

So, here's the thing. People around my age whose profoundly enjoying their youth era hanging out together to the places that I technically don't like.

Yes. It is a problem.

Because I suppose, people like them, which is me, should love to go to a place like theme park and so on but I do not. I mean, man why I can't feel the fun? Am I growing older for too fast or what?

I'd rather go travel or go to the beach anything. Park is alright, some places that are rather peaceful and less people of course.

It's just that, I feel guilty for them having a friend who is not fun most of the time.

February 15, 2013

5 years from now, you won't bother.

Tup tap tup tap, baru aku perasan hari jadi aku semakin hampir, yang ke 21. Dua puluh satu.

Aku buat apa selama ni?

Dan tak lama lagi, aku bakal tinggalkan dunia diploma yang penuh stress dan kadang-kadang happening. Lumrah belajar, selalu stress, kadang-kadang happy.

Dan terlalu banyak kerja serta project serta presentation yang aku tangguh-tangguhkan. It's like i'm not even in my final year damn it! Final sem to be exact. Dan aku rasa sesungguhnya tiada point untuk aku membebel pasal ni.

Teringat aku yang 5 tahun dulu. Where art thou, I wonder...

February 14, 2013

Terus berharap.

Baguslah, ada yang masih ambil berat.
Untunglah, ada yang masih sayang.
Syukurlah, ada yang masih ingat.

Abah cakap, kita bila orang nak tolong kita, bila peluang tu dah ada depan mata, sebaik-baiknya kita terima. Daripada 10 orang yang layak, belum tentu semua daripada mereka yang akan dapat. Tapi awak dah dapat peluang tu. Peluang bukan datang selalu.

Aku setuju, dengan kata-kata abah. Namun terlalu banyak kemungkinan yang tak diingini datang dengan suara-suara yang melemaskan sampai satu tahap, aku biar mereka bersuara. Cakaplah apa kau nak cakap. Dan aku masih berharap ia pergi tanpa melakukan apa-apa usaha untuk beri peluang pada diri aku dan terus berdiam.

Dan terus berharap.

Dan terus berharap...

Rawak.

Dan tiba pada suatu ketika, aku bertanya pada diri aku sendiri, what kind of book exactly you would like to read Sarah?

Selalunya aku pergi mana-mana especially shopping mall, tempat wajib aku singgah adalah bookstore. It doesn't matter whether I buy something or not, it just that, how I feel to be surrounded by books there. And people who actually reads.

Mentaliti, persepsi yang aku dah tanam pada akal waras aku bagaimana orang yang membaca melihat dunia dengan cara mereka tersendiri. Sampai satu tahap aku meletakkan people who read, adalah beradab, civilized. Walaupun sebenarnya adalah bukan semua daripadanya.

Jadi, aku lebih berminat pada penulis berbanding cerita yang juga bermaksud, jika ada buku yang ditulis oleh penulis yang aku suka, maka buku tersebut menjadi keutamaan dan potensi untuk aku beli adalah sangat tinggi. Dan sedikit sebanyak telah meletakkan genre pada tempat yang tidak begitu penting sekali.

February 11, 2013

Complexity.

Apa yang aku rasa adalah suatu perasaan yang complicated which supposed to be not that complicated.

Semakin kita membesar, semakin kita berfikir jalan manakah yang kehidupan sedang membawa kita, dan dengan mengaplikasikan konsep follow with the flow, aku rasa seolah-seolah konsep tersebut telah meletakkan aku sebagai seorang yang hampir berputus asa dengan kehidupan, hidup tetapi tidak hidup. Macam, melakukan sesuatu hanya pada ala kadar sahaja, and not expecting the results or technically, I don't give a single bullshit.

Which I feel like I am not me.

Aku tertanya-tanya ke mana arahnya semua ni sampai satu tahap aku letih, mempersoalkan soalan yang tiada jawapan obviously. Seperti menunggu peluang datang, seperti menunggu bulan jatuh ke riba. Menunggu peluang atau mencari peluang, dan aku berada di antara mereka, menunggu pilihan datang sebaliknya. Sebab aku bukan jenis yang suka buat pilihan. Each choice leads to different endings. And I'm just that coward to take the risk.

Dan berbalik pada konsep follow with the flow tadi, I guess I'm just standing here waiting for life to take me where I belong.

Life is just that, I don't know, incomprehensible.

January 19, 2013

Siapa kau?

Pagi itu aku bangun tepat jam 7.33 pagi.
Bangsat. Aku lewat lagi.

Bangkit melebihi jam 7 adalah lewat pada perkiraan aku, walaupun pada hujung minggu.

Lambat-lambat aku meleretkan kaki ke bilik air. Aku tenung cermin 48 inch yang terlekat pada dinding berjubin bilik air kami, dengan dahi separuh berkerut. Aku tenung lama-lama wajah insan dihadapan aku.

'Siapa kau?'

Aku berkerut lagi. Musykil. Apa yang aku lihat adalah wajah seseorang yang sesat, yang hilang, yang helpless, yang hopeless. Dia perlu bantuan tapi dia sendiri tak mahu tolong diri dia sendiri, terus terus melayan perasaan. Rasa yang tak sepatutnya dia rasa sampai dia tiba ke tempat yang tak sepatutnya dia tiba. Hampir separuh jalan dah dia tempuh. Belum terlambat lagi untuk dia pulang. Tapi aku tahu, perjalanan dia sedikit sebanyak telah merubah diri dia sendiri. Aku mahu dia yang dulu. Aku rindu pada dirinya yang dulu.

'Mana kau?'
'Tolonglah. Pulang.'

January 18, 2013

That's it. I've changed. End of story.

January 1, 2013

I'm gonna get fixed, eventually.

Apa yang sedang aku lakukan adalah lari. Berlari daripada semua orang. Terutamanya mereka. Mereka yang pernah hadir dan pada perkiraan aku, masih hadir disisi.

Dan fakta yang mengambil masa selamanya untuk aku hadam adalah tiada daripada mereka yang akan cuba mencari. Masing masing terlalu sibuk menjaga hati
masing masing. Aku sepatutnya lebih sedar dari awal.

Kadang kadang, aku salahkan diri sendiri menjebakkan diri dalam kancah yang dulunya aku tak pernah kisah. Dan aku sangat, sangat, teramat sangat nak lari dari diri sendiri.

Apa yang berlaku.

Apa yang berlaku pada malam tahun baru adalah aku sendiri tidak menyambut tahun baru. Untuk apa?

Aku tidur awal dan bangun awal seperti hari hari biasa. Dan aku rasa it's a common thing to me that I don't celebrate new year eve. Same goes to national day and birthdays.

Sekurang-kurangnya aku dah skipped all the bullshits people had done to my timeline and dashboard and newsfeed. Sebab aku sendiri tahu yang malam tahun baru aku akan dihabiskan menelaah timeline.

Dan aku tak nampak rasional menyambut perayaan itu ini kecuali kau merayakan kejayaan kau. Itu adalah something.