July 26, 2014

6 things in my mind right now.

1. A baby is the purest living thing ever happen in the world.

2. I stepped on a tree trunk and everything seemed more detail. I remembered how much I hated heels I only wear sneakers.

3. Kids are always annoying and they're the most adorable thing for your eyes to ever land on to.

4. I think people live on dreams. That's why they are still alive, just like me.

5. Sometimes, I miss the people I shouldn't have missed. I wanted to say everything to them but then I didn't wanna look like a desperate.

6. I miss you, i miss you, i miss you damn I miss you.

July 22, 2014

I pat my heart telling it to stay concrete.

Nowadays
It's hard to get what I want. Maybe I've been bitter towards god. And I've been a lot sinful than usual. I know I strived hard for nothing because blessings weren't there. They said even if you're an atheist but when you work hard, you'll get what you want. I guess it doesn't work for me, not that I don't believe in god. I'm still telling myself that it's okay. It is okay.

July 21, 2014

You know it's super bad when you start stuffing your ears with earplugs while listening to blasting music around the house and things just tossing and turning around your head you refuse to talk to anyone.

This is not good.

July 18, 2014

"We are all going, I thought, and it applies to turtles and turtle-necks, Alaska the girl and Alaska the place, because nothing can last, not even the earth itself. The Buddha said the suffering was caused by desire, we'd learned, and that the cessation of desire meant the cessation of suffering. When you stopped wishing things wouldn't fall apart, you'd stop suffering when they did."

--John Green, Looking For Alaska.

July 17, 2014

Ever since I arrived home, my routine going back around basically from wake up, eat, read, online, sleep and repeat. Nothing much is change but somehow, I feel productive. Although I've been doing the same thing over again, I actually have a different book to read, different thing to browse and absolutely different kind of food to eat.

I somehow, don't feel welcome in the woods no matter how many times I go in there. But the trees and the singing crickets are keeping me calm at times, except the annoying sinless bugs. I miss my dear sisters and brothers. Can sooner be now?

And so I thought, all of the lifes I've been keeping will eventually die. Because the enthusiasm that once I've felt, is snailing away. Sometimes I don't feel myself wanting all of that because I forgot how it was, wanting people to see you, to know that you exist, so much. I remember those feelings when I sat on the sand facing the vastness of the sea watching the waves kissing the shore and how the salty breeze caressing each skin I forgot about my problems. Everything felt lighter than ever. I wanted to go back at that time. I needed to see more natures.

July 14, 2014

You know that time when you read the holy book and it feels different than you read those novels piling up your dusty shelf. It feels heavier. Sometimes it feels like everything in you is gonna explode.

I read rather a lot this holy month. Honestly, I'm not really sacrificing. Despite of all that, I still feel yesterday and days before yesterday, is a waste of time. I think I need to get away from this state. I need a vacation. Alone.

July 13, 2014

Setting fire.

I'd be lying if i say I don't miss you at all. The pleasure of keeping it all inside and prove how concrete I'd be, the idea to ignore it somehow is unbearable. You might have think that I'm heartless or ignorant or self-centered I can't deny. Maybe part of me had left alone long enough that makes me who I am now.

July 6, 2014

So I figured.

To live happily is to not give a shit of what people talk about you.

July 4, 2014

Endurance.

I read a really sad poetry and it was so beautiful i could feel the pain in my chest.

I think about how would you react to a poetry like that. I think about how'd you think about it. Would you always remember me like i did? Would you remember me when you breathe in the smell of the morning coffee? Would you remember me when you touch the first literature on your dusty shelf? Would you or wouldn't you?

Why is it the pain of longing a person so far away is just the same as seeing them the very first time? I wouldn't wanna know.

People are endlessly weird. I don't know I am weird. I think about people's stagnant stares on me more than anyone else. This is not normal because it's not something that anyone should take in consideration.

June 29, 2014

Because it's almost 2.

I know exactly, something is missing when I try to find some things between the lines and words and alphabets. And I wander and scroll and read and think again and again... What is up with me?

Something is missing. It really is.

I'm tired of finding it, the gaps between each qwerty button that are connected and spaces between my fingers, and those blue blood vessels under the pale skins. I know I cannot think. It's almost two in the morning and I cannot think.

June 18, 2014

Unimportant #2

Right now, at this very moment, I'm listening to The Script's Science & Faith album and it occurs to me that no one ever really know or has any idea what insides me held. Like things that keep running around my head, like when I judge people without them knowing I'm judging. Like when I really want persons around me to be happy so much that I cry, like when I try the hardest they don't have a single idea that I did. Like when I write, getting so immersed in it, I forget what's the actual purpose I'm writing.

I cried so much before and every month of things I totally forget why the next 3 days.

Jangan persoalkan fitrah wanita kenapa this thing happens, you said. So I started to think of why am I surrounded with people who are so afraid of questioning things out of our culture. Why they have to be so afraid of the sins they made up. I heard they said that only god can judge but I realized they're judging me since I can't remember when.

So I tell myself that it's okay. Start slowly and pray. You'll find the answer someday.

June 17, 2014

Today i cried in thw shower again for the icantremember-th time. I always try so hard fr the people around me and for myself. But sometimes ppl just cant see my effort. Thts when i cry.

Maybe its true that i've fought god's rules and challenged Him that i had to go through hard times and whatnot. But when yr mom told you that there's smthg wrong with yr amalan when she didnt even see you, that's totally unacceptable.

I cant go on with ths rage bcs its bad. I have to be calm. In a while.

June 14, 2014

Unimportant.

Few minutes ago, I looked at the blue skies and thought how hoax it seemed without the clouds passing my sight. The other minutes, everything turned weirdly orange. I was wrong then when I looked at the clock and realized the day was already past 2 hours.

How time really flies huh?

The guy I met in dreams.

There is this one guy where I'd only meet him in dreams. I mean he appeared 2 times now. He was a friend to all my friends like he was someome we all knew but in reality he wasn't. It's weird you know because he is inexistent in the real world or maybe he is here but I never had seen him everywhere. He was the kind of guy that I wouldn't wanna date be it get married. But we talked about everything. He was very tall, had tanned skin and a jerk because he was a player, a womanizer. He had the kind of face that I'd say annoys me all the time.

I was like, 'who is this guy?' for everytime I woke up.

June 13, 2014

Side notes.

1. It's been 19 hours that I haven't rest my eyes though I feel absolutely tired.

2. I've always thought that moving on is not just lost contact but rather ignored completely by not talking, not dreaming, not stalking, not thinking even a tiny bit, about that person or on things you say you're moving on to.

3. I have passed my anxiety era therefore whenever I see people with that sickness I'm just sit there and go, "it's okay you're gonna be fine eventually." Just like what Mitch Welling said that we're actually afraid of nothing. You know what I mean?

4. Since when I started taking those tiny happy moments and throw them all in a trash?

5. Ah I'm losing it.

6. Do you know about nerve cells? Do you know cells? Do you know how many they are in our brains? Do you think our brains are big enough that we have so many thoughts that our soul can't even bear? Have you ever thought about that? Yes. It's freaking magic. That's what I'm feeling now. It's a whole cells work in my brain that forced me to lose everything of what I've arranged earlier. Thank you you little shit.

Blessed.

I am grateful that you can feel infinite when you are alone. I am grateful when the chill wind blew and it synced with the second you inhaled. I am grateful with the first tear drop because some people are so nice. I am grateful that i can be there when some fake smiles didn't help much because i know how hard a heart can bear. I am grateful to the beat that rhythms with my thumping heart. I am grateful by the poems heartedly vow by its poet. I am grateful that dawn and twilight exist and the whole in between. I am grateful with all the guts i have are something that give me the good and bad feelings.

I am just so grateful to god to be here now.

June 5, 2014

The truth about inspiration is, there is no truth.

The worst feeling ever is when you cannot think. Like right now. I've been out of breath for the last few days worrying about things. Aku masih lagi berdiri diantara dua pilihan, not sure which one to choose.

Merunsingkan.

Few weeks have been the tough weeks but I managed to went through. It feels like everyday is such torture because not a single second that I'd left to breathe freely. I don't even know why did I choose to further my study especially in this course.

But truth is, it's not just because of study. Inside me is raging to have something I don't even know what it is. It's tiring. It really is.

June 4, 2014

So long and goodbye.

This morning had started up quite perplex but whatever it is, I managed to think straight. I deleted some of my social accounts and it feels good. Because having them was tiresome. I had something in me that I wanted everything to keep updated. So I started to brainstorm new ideas. Yes, it's good to think but does it worth? I don't think so.

Have you ever felt alone when surrounded with people? Well I felt that. Even virtually. Because I found sweetness when having real people near. Like human beings not just their thoughts.

Reading and knowing other people's life is annoying. I didn't found any inspiration in my social network cycle's lifes. They were just mundane story and plain people. So I quit. And I hereby to announce that I will never regret it.

It feels good to detached. It really is.

June 3, 2014

What makes me who I am?

Kebelakangan ini, aku selalu tertanya-tanya apa yang membuatkan aku adalah diri aku. Bertanya pada diri sendiri seperti orang yang baru terjumpa bendasing dalam dirinya; kau siapa?

Kau sebenarnya, siapa?

Apa sebenarnya yang membuatkan kau lain daripada manusia kebanyakan? Instagram engkau kah? Facebook engkau kah? Twitter engkau kah?

---

Kau sama. Kau serupa seperti mereka. Kau seperti manusia kebanyakan itu yang menagih perhatian sekelompok yang pura-pura prihatin. Kau adalah cerminan mereka.

Aku perlu lebih masa untuk mencari diri sebenar aku. Perlu lebih masa untuk pergi daripada cerminan yang aku anggap aku adalah diriku padahal bukan. I find this hard but it still is not too late to change right?

May 29, 2014

What happens?

It always turned out crap when I started to think about writing something. Like a very commonly topic people talk everyday. It keeps on running around my head like I'm so gonna write this thing and then this and that and eventually, it'd be only saved to draft. I mean what is wrong with my brain(?)

Mungkin menulis telah menjadi suatu yang sukar untuk aku. By mean sukar is, aku telah hilang jiwa pada ia. Seperti aku kehilangan jiwa pada membaca. Aku masih membaca, cuma aku tidak jumpa perasaan yang pernah aku ketemu suatu masa dahulu. Perasaan dahaga pada kata-kata, pada perkataan-perkataan baru, pada keinginan menggali maksud maksud sentences. Aku mungkin dah hilang banyak peratus yang pernah aku simpan, rasa itu.

Bukan senang nak mendalami, menghayati sesuatu tulisan jika kita tiada hati pada ia. Kadang kadang aku rindu pada rasa itu. Rasa terbuai-buai di dalam imaginasi sendiri memahami bait bait ayat. It was like you were literally, right in that scene invisibly. And it felt awesome.

Masa tak pernah bersalah. Cuma aku yang tak mahu mencari masa memahami buku. Maaf.

What happens when you let someone in.

You'll start to feel weak.
Yes, like when you used to go against all the people, you're so rebellious but when it comes out of your mom's mouth, you're so an angel-like. So it does to this one particular person whose you've opened your heart to. You're scared to death that they might leave you become weak. You wanted them to stay so bad like when it rains, a comforting song's on shuffle and you don't wanna it to end.

You'll start to feel that not seeing them for a day is like not breathing.
You'll find 1001 ways to

May 15, 2014

I think I've lost a friendship.

What is friend?
What is like to have a long distance friendship?
What is like to have a long lasting friendship?

Before you wanna build a ship with me, you should know that I am no pro than anyone else that I think you just wasting your time because in the end, you're gonna be the one that broken.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm the worst friend you can count in your life. Because first, I don't make contact with you but you. And second, I don't really reply to your text unless you are funny and cute at the same time. I'm strictly avoiding annoying people and texts like, 'ssup babe whtcha doin' or 'have you eaten?'. I am more like, anything random but still makes sense and out of the usuality.

I'm the kind of friend where you find me and you share yr problems with me without I have to ask you what is your problem. Come to me and hit me and rage whatever it is if you wanna stick yrself to this kind of boat. And you can't butthurt whenever I ignore you because just face it, you are boring as hell.

I'm sorry if I ever hurt any of my friends (or maybe right now, were) because I'm just being me. A true friend is a friend where you can go out at 2 am walking around the neighborhood because you're broken as hell. I don't push you to that state like literally but simply, you're too comfortable to be with. And I like you like very very very much.

And I'm sorry if I ever felt awkward with you because eventhough we have like really thousand years of friendship, if i still have that feeling, then I guess I'm not comfortable with you, I can't. You fail to breakthrough my walls.

Don't just literally put a high hope in a friendship because if you're the only one trying to keep it look like you have a friend, then don't. Find the one that you can tell everyone about. 'Hi this is my adorable bestfriend i know everything about him/her,' kind of friend. People are mostly jerks, so choose the one that not.

May 11, 2014

Humans are weird. Ever since I brought myself so into this lovey dovey shit, I always get myself confuse about everything. I forgot who I was and how I react to people before I changed. Of course everyone changes when we fall in love. Everyone does.

I find myself very aware of the consequences I'd get when I decide on something. On very particular things, I do this often.

May 2, 2014

Kuat.

Belum sempat aku memegang gitar, minda aku sudah ligat bertengkar untuk mentelaah. Aku jadi takut pada cita-cita yang aku sendiri bina. Takut kepada kejatuhan, kekalahan. Takut pada hari esok keseluruhannya. Kenapa? Kenapa hidup hari ini untuk takut pada hari esok?
Buntu.

Aku penat, berfikir. Usaha yang aku kumpul, akhirnya menjadi kata kosong seperti, "bukan rezeki lah tu." Apa aku tak layak menerima rezeki?

Tuhan, andai kata rezeki yang bakal aku terima beruntung atas usaha yang aku raih, tabahkan lah hati ini. Dan jika ianya, pada tanggapan hati kebanyakan tidak, maka tabahkan lah juga hati ini. Kerana mungkin rezeki itu, telah ditetapkan untuk aku pada hikmah yang paling baik.

April 27, 2014

Once again.

It's been awhile since the last time I read a fiction, or a chapter. Today, I read The Silence, a short story by Haruki Murakami. That time, my heart was pumping so loud I felt every part of me expanding synchronizedly.

I'm not exaggerating neither do I lie about it. It feels great to read again although having my mind concentrating it was hard plus the throb I had. My head wandered to places and things escaping from being trapped with the content of the book I had to read line by line over again.

After all, english lit is the best. I can't wait to read japanese novels and discover everyone's minds worth going thorough.

April 20, 2014

Jalan mati.

And all of my dreams seems impossible.

Sometimes, having a goal in life is tiring. Because you have to work to make it happen. I'm not an overachiever but I know where I stand and where I am going. And it's not that impossible I just feel like tired.

I have become at least a few people's inspiration. Or maybe just one. And I seldom think that, is this the way it is? Is this how it's suppose to be?

I don't have any idea. And I can't seem to think of another way of not taking this way. God, help me.

April 17, 2014

Freshie

Now that it comes to my mind, it's just so funny when you are a direct intake student, but people still look at you like a freshie. Maybe some but, there must be.

What I mean here is, a student who just changed faculty and going up a level of achievement or certificate, whichever, even by this means that that student is there for more than a year than other freshies, but, others (senior) still look at them (directs) like a freshie. Weird huh?

So they (directs) gain attention just like the other freshies. Especially the girls. So it's like pisang goreng dipanaskan semula. I find this awkwardly funny.

April 16, 2014

Ramble #IDK

Before I ramble on further details, I shall tell you all that I'm only here because I have to speak on what's in my mind so that I won't rant it all and throw out pale words and forgettable thoughts through twitter. I warn you this is pointless.

So I had my coffee just 2 hours before and I've done watching 2 Japanese dramas. This is quite not me because I don't really watch drama I've just restarted it just to learn some new vocab for my Japanese class. I've said restarted because I used to watch drama when I was in middle school and I stopped for not really particular reasons I just don't wanna watch any more dramas. And so I watched this 2 dramas:

Sanjyuugosai No Koukousei

Biblia Koshodou no Jiken Techou

And I like Biblia Koshodou no Jiken Techou more because it was full with weird names and books and brainy words that nerdies like me would love it not to mention that the girl is cute and her acting was good too.

It is weird that I talk about what I did lately. I'd like to read more everyday but I become greedy I want to do everything. I don't have that much time I need to sacrifice some of that everything and it feels kinda sad. My priority is study but my heart's always on other things. I have soooo many things to do like naps, revisions, guitar lessons, watching dramas, socializing, eating, do laundry, books shopping, walking, running, praying, arts, gaming, sketching, writing, camping, classes, travels, reading, reading and reading can't you see?

I feel out of breath. Is the time really running out or should I just stop chasing it?

I have no idea. I still need to do my homework and graduate and work and pay debts. Wouldn't that what we all pathetic students do? Working hard, stay up all night just to get out from this faculty? You will still survive my friend but either you win or you lose. This is game we're playing. You score, you won't have to pay for yr studies. You so-so, you have to work for the debts. You flunk, you fucked up. Simply, the purpose of learning hard becomes the reason you need not to pay fr yr debts. We're all basically fucked up.

In order to win, beat the system. Don't let them make you pay a ridiculous amount of money just for a stupid roll of paper. All in all, best of luck gamers.

April 11, 2014

Bless.

Life has been quite stressful lately. I don't have any idea that I'd break this much I mean the midsem break just ended last week I'm already torn to pieces.

I have so muuuch in my head you don't even wanna know. If you're on my tweets, you know exactly what I mean.

Once, I had a thought of me taking a different path in life, chose the weird way that the me now wouldn't ever wanna choose; be a part of ma'ahad scholar. Weird really. But I know then I won't be this stressful if I were to choose to be there. It'd be different. It'd be more meaningful than not knowing where are you in the future because after all, I'd have one thing that I'd believe so much and I don't have to be so afraid of failures. Because I'm on the right path.

That is what I think.

May god bless me in everything I do.

Ameen.

April 3, 2014

What is it meant to love.

I had this thing stuck in my mind first when a friend of mine spilled out everything about her relationship stuff.

I think, one is doing good enough in a relationship once one gives one's heart wholly.

Yes, you can't live just by loving someone because you still have to eat, you'll need a shelter and life's still going on and of course you'll need money. But for me, it's more than enough.

I've known myself for the girl who's hardly to fall, who has a concrete wall build up high, who has more guy friends than girls; girls like me really put up on one guy like she's gonna grow old with this only guy and stuff, even going through shits and lots of gossips. We are the hopeless romantics, helpless indeed. That's why it is very important to us for everyone to know, what it's meant for us to fall in love.

It's not just love lust and bla bla, it's about committing self to commitment. It's more than just a relationship so please do understand.

March 20, 2014

Nota-nota.

1. Sejujurnya, aku benci how the world works. Well actually, who doesn't?

2. Apa agaknya perasaan belajar tanpa menggunakan duit sendiri. Well when I think about it again, on the money itself lies responsibilities. Walaupun ianya diberi nama 'biasiswa', bukan bermakna ianya adalah percuma, ia duit rakyat.

3. I feel unlucky bila wujudnya darjat dan pangkat. Sangat. Nonetheless, I know I shouldn't have because probably, someone has littler than I have.

4. The books are getting piled up. I lost myself in finding time to spend with those books. They're surely really really sad.

5. Aku tak perlu cuti yang panjang untuk lari daripada ketegangan kerana sudah tinggal lebih kurang separuh semester sebelum berakhir. Aku cuma perlu tidur yang cukup dan halwa telinga sebagai santapan petang.

6. Aku suka hujan. Kerana ia menenangkan jiwa dan menyejukkan hati. Terima kasih Tuhan untuk hujan. Terima kasih.

February 21, 2014

Kepada yang berkenaan.

Dan hanya apabila engkau sudah mati, datanglah engkau kepada kami dan buktikan kata-kata engkau itu bukan hanya caci maki terhadap pegangan kami.

February 12, 2014

No I am not missing you so stop attaching your face on my mind and go away!

Fuck.

I'm afraid.

Some people, they remind you about someone. Their height, their skin color, their body shape, their hair, their eyes, the way they act.

I walked pass through a guy. His skin color, his eyes, his height, reminded me of someone I knew. I couldn't really remember him, but a glimpse of the guy had triggered my memory that he resembled him, or he was really him. Like, something eats some part of my memory it makes me doubt about anyone I've met or talked to.

Can you miss someone's face? Just, his/her face, can you? Because you think you're losing memory about them bit by bit, in your head. You're losing them.

February 8, 2014

Hollow.

Woke up at this hour with nothing much to do makes things worst. I find myself staring thorough the darkness searching for something I don't even know what it is.

A saviour is all need. But the id in me refuses to seek for it. I am far, far slipping off track I know that.

Caffeine. Caffeine helps me think.

February 1, 2014

Makkuro.

I can be weird and I am feeling weird, afraid of things unseen, berkira-kira pada ketentuan tuhan dan cuba meneka pada benda yang belum terjadi.

Future now is void. If you categorized future as thing, now, it's like nothing. You can't feel it, you can't see it, you can't assume it because it's future. It's weird. It's dream. It's sci-fi.

So shut it. Shut everything that comes to your mind, shut. It's just thought. You are going to be alright.

Trust, anything you think you can trust. Trust that you're gonna be alright.

Demon.

I skipped morning prayer for rows now I failed to remember how many days has it been.

I guess my demon is showing up.

January 31, 2014

Rambling #5

So something actually came up to my mind, can talent get expired? I mean, can it just gone when you're not using it. Or you stop using it. Or you stop brushing it up. Will it gone?

It's been like, I can't remember, the last time I hold a pencil and actually draw something. Tak, aku tidak takut kalau-kalau aku tak tahu bagaimana nak memulakan a stroke. Sebab I'm fond to the techniques and stuff, just that, the sketching would turn out awkward and dull.

Tapi bukan itu yang bermain di fikiran aku. Bagaimana kalau seorang penulis berhenti menulis? Adakah tulisan dia akan mejadi dull and dead?

Aku tak perlu jawapan. Sebab hasrat yang aku cuba nyatakan, seolah selembar benang yang ditarik panjang lalu ia bersimpul simpul.

I actually have so much in my head, words and letters I can't put it into sentences.
It's weird.

January 27, 2014

Living the moment.

Maybe, just maybe, laying here and listening to the fray's how to save a life album, is alive.
Maybe, just maybe, crossing legs and think about what to write without even bother what time is it now because it's late for a shower, the invisible wind coming from the fan is just keep on caressing every inch of skin you don't wanna get up.

I need a hug where a cup of coffee lives.

January 26, 2014

Shortage.

Aku melepaskan ikatan rambut, membuang helaian yang gugur pada getah rambut. Dan aku memandang abah yang dari tadi memerhati, sambil mengangkat kening.

"Rambut gugur." Aku memulakan perbualan.

"Tanda-tanda penuaan." Abah menyahut.

"Haha."
"Well everyone gets old, don't we?" kataku dalam hati.

And the conversation ended there.

January 25, 2014

Love is.

The problem I'm facing is that I don't remember when I fall, when exactly did I fall, what happens and on what reason? I don't. For a moment there, I know by heart I've fell for this person.

People are counting their months and chasing time when I don't. I remember every single thing that we do, and we have all the conversations with me keep on repeating, "remember that one time," and we laugh about it, or just smile. I like that.

I don't care about those dates that I missed, and being an ignorant partner you've ever met who don't put a single care about not remembering dates. We'll forget all those numbers and days because for once, it will be too much, too many to remember.

I have you in my infinity heart.

January 19, 2014

Rambling #4.

I scrolled through my tumblr dashboard. And saw this. 


It's just so funny don't you think? Reblogged by a person who clearly spends most of her days, been on internet. Maybe s/he was telling people to get the shit out of the internet and start looking at the stars, start look into infinity bullshits.
Or maybe, s/he was invading the ironist out of him/herself.
Or just trying to tell him/herself to step outside and cherish the stars.

This has nothing to do with me, or you.

January 17, 2014

Time halts,

as she dissolves wholly,
in his warmth embracement.

January 15, 2014

Lupus.

Salah satu cara untuk melupus kehidupan yang dulu adalah dengan membuang akaun rangkaian sosial kau. Dan menggantikan ia dengan yang baru, dengan menambah rakan-rakan yang baru, sahaja.

You deserve to keep not everyone but, anybody you want, right?

Rambling #3

A Mountain, A Peak nyanyian Bill Ricchini berlagu di telinga aku untuk yang entah keberapa-kalinya. Masa bergerak perlahan. Sitting here, going on internet semenjak masa pejabat bermula, aku mula merasa sesak di dada. Thinking of what this Dr. Kamal's research assistant might say about me. Well he seems like he doesn't bother at all since that everyone is still on their holiday thus making our work, halt, dalam kata mudah, tiada kerja.

This is boring. I need to go to the library, like right now.

January 12, 2014

Kata sempurna.

Dan bila tiba masanya, kau membaca terlalu banyak, dan kau mencari kepuasan dalam setiap bait yang kau hadam, namun kau masih tak menjumpainya, mungkin kau patut selak balik helaian yang kau dah letak jauh sebelah penjuru, helai yang sempurna tu; kata dari Sang Pencipta.

Buka.
Baca.
Hadam.
Faham.

Ada bahagia disitu. Ada kejayaan dalam tu.

January 11, 2014

Kepada, Pelacur Kata.

Aku penat hayati puisi patah hati.

January 9, 2014

You're just, not bad enough.

If you never try smoking, you're not bad enough.
If you're not a coffee drinker, you're not bad enough.
If you don't hate everyone, you're not bad enough.
If you never lie, you're not bad enough.
If you never break yr heart, you're not bad enough.
If you never leave, you're not bad enough.
If you never hurt others, you're not bad enough.
If you never were alone, you're not bad enough.
If you never hate yrself, you're certainly,
not bad enough.

Believe.

I have always believe that to write, you need to experiencing. That's when the risk comes, you have to take it, face it. And if it turns out wrong, fix it if you can. When you can't, learn from it. When it breaks yr heart, you're alive. You're going through it. You're experiencing. That is really okay, because eventually, you know you'll be just fine. You're way stronger than what you can take, right?

Sigh.

Some afternoons are like 8am in the morning I'd love to have my coffee again. And this afternoon, I feel glad I'm breathing the kinda chills that morning have, and the room is losing its light. I'm guessing, it's gonna pour.

I want to go home in your arms.

January 7, 2014

Rambling #2

I've always wanted to write a book. But not the kind of book where there comes the money. Because commitment is where the responsibility lies. Everyone knows I'll never be a good friend to commitment.

It's been three days I'm at home. I'm bored already. But half of the house needs to be settled. Moving to places is hard. Packing and unpacking all the way. Why do we have to do that? It doesn't even make things easier because you have to reorder stuff and all that. It's tiring.

I've been laying in bed since I had my breakfast. I'm doing nothing. And great. Unproductive. Just, let me stay here and think how many seconds have I killed and regret.

January 6, 2014

Finding self.

I flipped through pages. I read as many as possible. Why is it hard to form just one sentence? Why it isn't coming?

So I thought, maybe you've brought all the poems in me with you. Maybe I've changed. And with that, I shall not crave for who I was.

I'm changing and it's okay. I'm experiencing and it's okay. I am happy with changeness. And with that, I can see more of myself.

January 2, 2014

Let it be.

Open up your past posts. Reading it. And found. That, mistakes.

Don't. Don't erase that. Don't ever think of repairing it. Don't change the sentence. Don't reorder. Don't delete. Don't add up. Just, don't.

Because the feeling will be different. Because it's just beautiful in its way with those meanings despite those mistakes. Because the time now, and before are different. Because now, your feel is, undo the mistake, but before, it was all about how you feel that you don't really care about how you did the mistake.

So, don't. Let it be.

One fine evening.

I've been spacing out lately. Listening to the same album, on endless loop.

And on one fine evening, I received a text message said,

"Sarah. Aku sedih."

And I failed to help. Because you refused to open up. That's okay. Even though, you've been my favourite that I wish I were your fav too. Maybe some things are better left unsaid.

But things changed miraculously. I was falling apart, crumbling and so on. Who should I blame to?

And the song was still on repeat.
And it's still,

on repeat.

Let's just pray.

Aku rasa, semua orang ada iman. Despite hati, jiwa, akal dan emosi. Sampai aku jadi pelik, adakah manusia sudah melupakan iman?

Yang membezakan iman seseorang itu adalah amalannya. Iman itu sifatnya turun naik. Banyak amalnya tak bermaksud tinggi imannya. Sikit amalnya tak bermaksud rendah imannya. Kerana dalam beramal perlu ikhlas, tawadduk, khusyuk, dan consistency untuk mendapatkan iman yang sebenar benar iman. It's quite complicated don't you think?

Aku bukanlah seorang yang tinggi pengetahuannya dalam agama. Tetapi aku jadi pelik, iman itu lawannya adalah nafsu. Dan nafsu tergolong dalam antara sifat manusia. Jadi iman juga sepatutnya berada diantara mereka. Tak ke?

Sebab itu apabila aku melihat para penulis, terutamanya pemuisi, terlupa akan the existence of eeman. Or maybe, well nevermind. I don't want to assume such thing.

It's just that, no matter how heartbroken, so deeply hollow you feel, as long as you remember yr eeman, I think, you can't be so dark inside.

January 1, 2014

someone else's arms.

He's a brokenhearted.
She's a goner.
He's all depending on the moon.
She's all counting stars.
He's singing a sorrow song.
She's mourning in void.
He's saying hearty words.
She's speaking lies.
He wears his heart on his sleeves.
She wears her smile in believes,
That he belongs in someone else's arms.
And she belongs in someone else's arms.

Rambling.

Think of a resolution.

Think.

Think about it. Think, if you have ever achieved one. Think, if those resolutions are just from those 5 years you went through. Or just keep on getting the list longer and nothing ever crossed since you don't remember when.

And I. I have never plan of anything on the very first day of new years, since SPM. I am that kind of person that fail to plan. I have plans too. I plan based on what and when I feel I want to. Dates don't bother me, not a chance. I'm free to do anything. We are free to do anything. Why we have to follow others? One of my friends once said,  only the dead fish go down follow the stream. 

Excuse me that will not absolutely turning you into one of those hipsters.

I'm just another broken pieces. I'm getting old. I'm happy, sometimes I am just tearing apart I don't know why.

Lorde's voices expanding through the room, rhythmic words that lack of my attentions.

I want to go out and walk around the city with my ear plugged in and free from thoughts of being afraid because our country is not a safe place anymore yet today is public holiday. People are everywhere. And I don't really like that. It's kinda a bad idea.

I scrolled through facebook. Yesterday was someone's birthday. I don't wanna celebrate my birthday. If someone ever think of it, please don't make it so obvious that I refuse to leave my room. Please make me happiest not just in pictures when the time comes.

I want my morning back. I want morning that doesn't end. I want to sleep through the day and wake up only when its morning.

I'm writing this according to voices in my head, which I really want to escape from. Thanks a lot, head.