December 22, 2015

nota-nota, yang entah ke berapa.

i. you know what's not healthy? reading to your old posts. worst, mourn about it.

ii. i feel at ease, for a longest time now. and nothing is okay with feeling ease. trust me.

iii. jotting down short notes is easier than talking. try it.

iv. i dont have a strong point to actually write anything. well does anyone?

v. as much as i feel guilty, i cannot help myself. because i have lost myself, a long time ago. what left is just memory. or vivid dreams i cannot even grasp it.

vi. in finding light, you have to be patient. dear self, have a strong hold. have a strong hold for now.

December 18, 2015

things i say when i get disgusted with myself.

you're not attached. you're not yet attached. please, i'm pleading you please remember that you are not attached. you are free. you can do whatever a single person can do. you dont have to text him to make sure that he remembers you. you don't have to call him because his voice makes you calm. you don't have to. because you are not attached. please. please remember all of your words. you are not that weak. you know you can live. you are strong, right?

December 17, 2015

let me live alone.

aku selalu letak diri aku pada yang bukan friendly. because i never am. hatta hanya untuk post a comment on people's page or reply to one's tweet or commenting on one's blog, aku tak pernah consider yang i can actually do that. it's a burden, i think.

it's like i refuse to put myself a trace, myself mapped to where people can actually reach for me. or at least, not here.

if you ever thought, or ever crossed your mind to check on me, you don't have to. what's on here, always stays here.

there's a reason why my url's created that long. there's a reason to it.

December 10, 2015

but things haven't changed much.

"for someone who’s always being in between right and wrong, does she deserves only hell just because she’s not good with making decisions? i’ve been questioning myself this for almost years since the day i met you. i wanna change. and changing is hard. i’m not strong enough to leave. well, are you? it’s either happiness or misery; it’s either hell or heaven. if i’m happy now, i’ll be in hell later. if i choose misery now, i might be in heaven later. and not choosing is what i can only think about now. i regret sometimes. but did things change?" -- some place only i know.

December 2, 2015

rencana-rencana.

i. aku bercadang untuk menjual timbunan buku-buku yang tak terbaca, baca separuh dan tak larat nak baca lagi tu, daripada biarkan mereka lunyai di makan banjir.

ii. you know, i cannot read in bulk. aku perlu satu bahan bacaan untuk satu-satu masa. or i'll get everything messed up.

iii. i am so enthusiastic about the idea of starting a business. but i don't have anything to get the business started other than selling used books.

iv. i need more connections.

v. starting something new always sounds so exciting. but can you manage till the end?

vi. aku selalu memikirkan perkara-perkara yang sepatutnya bukan tempat aku lagi untuk fikirkan seperti, bagaimana kau boleh terima segala keburukan aku sedangkan once, i could not do that to you.

December 1, 2015

all heavy and worn out.

i get easily tired recently, of getting attached to you. i chocked myself up by care so much about you. i talk to myself alot about all the made up consequences of not contacting you when i know you are busy. i let my ego wins because i deserve such trophy. you know it kills me to have doubt conversations with myself. i even pray to god that i dont have to feel this anymore, ever. let's just play it cool. you won't die from a heartbreak that you made up, right?

November 26, 2015

perplexed(adj.)

you were walking in the hallway searching to which room you should enter not really thinking whether the room is locked or not, whether you have the key to the room. you know you need to find a room. walking there was unsafe, that was what you thought. suddenly, you came across someone you knew. it was weird because you were looking but he did not. in fact, his glassy eyes clearly showed he didn't wanna have any conversation with you. so, you keep on walking.

you remembered those times when you guys were not as stranger as now.

you reached for your phone then and you scrolled on your twitter. you thought maybe that you could forget what was just happening. you scrolled and you came across a tweet, saying those times when you were both staring at the same moon. it was beautiful. it was another guy from the other star.

you thought leaving would cure you. and you were.

you reached the room you thought the most suitable and the most real. you entered without knocking as if you knew it was meant for you. and there he was standing with open arms. you smiled. and you hugged back. and it was the warmest hug you thought. but then, it was too long. and the hug was getting tighter. you were hardly breathed so you let it go. you pushed too hard that you bounced onto the wall through the door. the door slamed and locked, forever.

you were tired. tired of looking for a comfort room. you thought you should go back to the beginning. but the beginning was so far away.

ironically, someone came. someone from the beginning. he said he wanted to fix you. he was broken too. and so you thought maybe you could fix him too. you were both curing. you were both living. you hoped so.

November 14, 2015

i'm praying for us. i really do.

i. you know, the after rain weather is always the nicest weather ever.

ii. you know, we should start our own garden and i can pick a flower or two after four to five months and we can make our own beautiful arrangement and i can give it to old couples in the park.

iii. i sound like a typical tumblr girl although i refused to live a life so cliche but somehow, a girl needs to dream.

iv. i cant wait for graduation and real world because God knows i'm ready.

November 7, 2015

hello productivity like in a fucking 3AM i kid you not.

you know when you're so happy that all of the happiness you feel is sucking all of your sleep neurons to the brain. at that moment, you're thinking of doing the impossible, possible. like bullshitting on etsy and pinterest, tweets about all of your unsteady electric sparks in your heart, think about how your brain function.

basically, you're barely yourself at 3AM.

'for you, and your denial.' - i got the guts to post this.

satu hari nanti, tulisan-tulisan aku akan menjadi satu tulisan yang bercabang hanya kepada beberapa tajuk berkaitan. aku akan berhenti berfikir tentang tajuk-tajuk untuk tulisan-tulisan aku yang baru. aku akan berhenti untuk menilai bagaimana sesuatu tajuk berkait rapat dengan sesuatu tulisan. kerana kehidupan itu satu bulatan. bulatan yang membentuk satu bulatan yang lain. berpusing, berputar pada kadar yang berbeza tetapi mempunyai perhentian-perhentian yang secara kasarnya adalah lebih kurang sama. kita tidak mencipta memori baru. kita berjalan pada keadaan yang sama dengan watak dan susana yang sedikit berbeza padahal semua adalah satu plot yang diulang-ulang. selamat datang kepada dunia yang pernah, sedang dan akan terus melakar kita pada kertas yang sama sehingga kita mati.

November 6, 2015

yes, i do shit surveys to get extra money for myself so i can go shop things i cannot buy in my country.

paidviewpoint is where you spend little of your time to answer on surveys and they'll pay y'all for it. although it's not much but this is so far, the best i gain compared to others that i tried.

so if you're willing to try, please click here. goodluck!

ps// others review on this site: http://www.workfromhomewatchdog.com/paidviewpoint-com-review-is-paidviewpoint-com-a-scam/

November 4, 2015

of being friends with ex(es) (2)

blogspot is not my safest place anymore. instead, it never is. this time, you may have googled me. and you may have found my twitter, goodreads, tumblr and my other self in here. and you may have gone through it, all of it. i'm not regretting from who i was and who i have become. go ahead. judge me. i aint gonna give a single shit about it.

October 25, 2015

sigh.

i. he said that it has been 7 months. or maybe 9 because i'm not sure and people know that i hate tracking dates and simple things. or maybe things that i refuse to remember.

ii.  have you ever feel disgust with yourself of the things you wish you didn't do? because i do, all the time.

iii. you cannot just simply test people, sarah. especially on their loyalty, or pride. you can't

October 18, 2015

of being friends with ex(es)

"saya tahu yang dah lepas tu, biarkan lah dia pergi. saya redha. tapi takkan jadi kawan pun tak boleh?"

maybe sometimes, you have to be cruel in order for someone to move on with their life. or maybe you're just afraid to hurt the one you always love. above all, you just don't want to hurt yourself. you refused to let go. you refused to be alone.

October 12, 2015

once again, everyone. i've became the person i told myself i would never be.

bila kau rasa kau boleh handle semuanya dan kau sedang mempertimbangkan kesan-kesan yang bakal kau terima tetapi perancangan tuhan itu lebih cepat dan tepat maka kau sendiri terkandas dalam jerat yang belum sempat engkau sendiri pasang. sebab tu orang cakap, what you give, you get back. what you plan to give, you'll get it first in no time. salah niat, sarah.

October 9, 2015

thoughts

i. i am actually in the middle of writing a report that should be submitted asap. but, i couldn't resist myself to lurk on people's blog.

ii. i've lost track on how much i've uttered 'fuck meghan trainor' while listening to her song featuring john legend. like, i am supposed to hate this song because it's a love song you'd love to sway with your spouse.

iii. maybe i'll stop thinking how much you really meant to me. like when people told me how much i meant to them. like when they shared their stories with me. like when they asked me about my opinion where i feel belonged to.

October 8, 2015

well, fuck. bila kadar kelajuan internet negara kau terlalu perlahan hinggakan lagu yang sepatutnya bermain selama 5 minit menjadi 10 minit. classic, i've been listening to classical music these days.

funny, when you're in the middle of a crowd and everyone's laughing about whatever the others doing and you're there, spacing out thinking about the moment you've treasured but now they're all gone with him.

anyway, i was really looking forward for the upcoming weekend. but right now, i wish i didn't say that it's okay for him to come along with us. he just made me wanna feel more like killing myself.

October 3, 2015

karma had me and you can laugh at me real hard

i have come to my senses that i miss you and that i regret leaving you that i wish i could turn back time and change everything and that i was wrong on everything.

but it doesn't work that way. it won't.

October 1, 2015

you know Aria?

i stopped reading haruki murakami because the last book i read entitled colorless tsukuru tazaki, was sort of trash. it gives you a sort of feeling that life is cruel but you have to think that it's not always like that, which i hate about. but that's not the thing because the story i want to tell you is about Aria.

Aria was a sweet, sweet girl whose mind was always wondered and full with curiousness. she loved asking question about the stars and universe and the creator and human emotions and religion and things that a normal human being would probably jump over that sort of questions. every. religious. person. would.

maybe i'd skip to the part to where she fell in love and all of her wonderfulness had been suck out of her with the person who entered her life and had ignored her that she was left devastated and died alone.

poor Aria. it's just a matter of time when love is nothing but an empty pool of burned up hard-floor it dries up anything that goes into it. like a black hole. like a black heart.

things had turned up equal.

i. the past two weeks, had been a good thing ever happened to me. i went to Japan with fully sponsored and met few awesome people. despite of what i've been through, berbaloi lah dengan travel 8 hari penuh memori. dan aku tidak pula bercadang untuk berkongsi apa-apa gambar di sini semasa aku berada di sana.

ii. the thing with heart, you can't really control it. if you did, it's either you'd hurt yourself or the people around you. and as for me, i'd rather choose hurting myself. i've a lot to be kept up and filled, and that i turned myself into someone who refused to open up. it's like you put a lights up cracker in your throat but it just won't blow up. and before i knew it, i've become a masochist.

iii. how do you give up on yourself? how do you stop yourself from missing people who had left you? how do you get back your missing pieces? mungkin jawapan kepada persoalan-persoalan aku tadi letaknya pada sehampar prayer mat. aku butuh waktu. dan orang-orang disekeliling aku are pushing me to the extend that i start to hate myself for the choices i've made. it's unfair, yes. but i deserve it somehow.

September 16, 2015

as if you would read.

reading back to our conversation, i realized, how i messed everything up just to make sure that i wasn't at fault. i tried so hard to put whatever the blame on you when i was the one who changed. sorry? sorry means nothing now. sorry now is like those haze you inhaled in this stink city. at least that's what i think.

kadang aku terfikir, terlalu banyakkah dosa yang aku lakukan sampai aku di uji begini? i tried balancing sins with my good deeds. i guess that didn't work. mungkin pahala yang aku cari, tak setimpal dengan dosa yang aku dah lakukan. mungkin aku kaburi mata aku dengan, 'ah takpe. God forgives.' bertaubat dulu. terima atau tak, belakang cerita. and i ended up doing the same mistake when i know truly, a mistake done twice is not a mistake anymore. it's a choice. and i chose to be sinned.

i'm sorry, even if you can't accept this apology. please don't act nice to me, ever. because i don't deserve it. i never were.

September 12, 2015

dear God, i give up.

choosing a title is like writing an abstract for a project report, you have to finish the report first and prepare for the abstract but you put that abstract right after the front page of your report do you get what i mean?

anyway, i cannot tell anyone, any of my real life friends on how much i've cried lately because things just got out of control. how my head's tied up over the things i should not think about but i did that i feel like it's going to explode anytime soon.

i cried and cried and cried and probably going to cry later like i'm the only one suffering this God's test.

nevermind anyway. i sinned. i deserve whatever it takes.

let me tell you a secret.

sedang aku menghulur tangan perlahan nak mencapai teh tarik, abah memecah kesunyian dengan bertanya,
"budak lelaki yang haritu, ada call awak? siapa nama dia?"
"s."
"nampak macam serious. lelaki kalau dia jumpa family tu maknanya dia dah serious tu." sambil memandang tepat ke arah aku.

aku melarikan pandangan seolah-olah barisan pokok dan kerusi yang bersusun tak bernyawa lebih lucu untuk diperhatikan.

"awak serious tak?"
"habiskan dulu belajar, abah." sambil mengukir senyum kelat.

yet i still cannot believe myself, how can i be so stupid?

August 14, 2015

and she said, " hidup ini hukum karma," and chuckled at herself.

when the same mistake happened twice, maybe you should consider yourself first before you start blaming on people.

i did the same mistake now, and that i'm just like the person whom i told myself, i would never be like her.

August 1, 2015

on a not so bright side

people are sending me honest confessions and apologizes these past few days. and i couldnt care less.

July 9, 2015

"hey, how's life?"

it hurts to think that a person you once knew is no longer the same one. like everything has changed. almost everything.

July 5, 2015

rip heart.

maybe opened up to you was never a good idea.

June 19, 2015

those nights when you mess everything up.

i hope we're 6 or 7 or 10 years together and still fun.
and i hope i didn't have to meet a new guy and feel happy because he's funny and he makes me happy because you're too faraway. i hope i didnt have to feel guilty to him because i'm gonna break another heart.
i hope i never get bored listening to you. i hope i never did anything that breaks your heart.

but it's just me being delusional. i get confused and distracted alot. i'm scared. i'm fucking scared.

June 17, 2015

maybe, just maybe, i should just mute you so that i don't have to see your bullshits running pass through my eyes. but then i don't have a subject to hate about so which one should i put my heart to it i just can't decide it yet whether to hate you or hate all of your bullshits.

it's been awhile ey?

life has been good so far. i did not get what i've expected but i am grateful for where i am now. and for that, i shall thank god a lot more.

kadang aku rasa, padan muka with what you chose cause now i'm at better place than yours. reality sucks aint it? betul lah, people said god knows what's better for you and i shall not be sad about it. and now, it serves you right in the face.

i dont think its wrong to boast off how happy i am to be here because you know, you can suck my virtual dick anytime you want baby.

June 14, 2015

well.

fuck.

i can't fucking write. i need to fucking write something other than fuck.

June 2, 2015

a letter to you.

hi. how are you doing? i'm actually glad that you're finally moving on. i dont really know but from what i've seen, you've moved on. while i'm stuck here loving people you used to love endlessly, you used to know, even.

this is not a sorry letter or a sympathetic one. i still get jealous over all the memories you have with them. i've lost my school friends, some used to sleep beside me for a whole year. i dont mind. they don't know the real story of us, even you.

i just wish you'll get better, we'll get better. our lifes dont resolve around people we love or loved. things happen and time cant turn back to what it was. be young, and shut up.

May 25, 2015

of freedom(?)

when i was 17, having too much social network account felt so right. blogger, tumblr, twitter, facebook, flavors, spring, you name it. but now, four seems too much and annoying because you have to like keep updating and the need to always have something to say about is rather irritating.

i like it here. i've grown to like it here. no one cares rather you are exist or not. you don't care who's going to read or see or care about what you write. people jump from blog to blog, pass you and don't care anymore. or some may stay but no one rarely talk about it. no one ever talk about what i write in here.

i feel free. completely. or so you may say, puas.

May 16, 2015

slowly, but surely.

you will get to the point in your life where you will figure out everything.
you will build a family.
you will work for the sake of your family.
things might get a little bit fuck up with people at work and stuff,
but nothing beats staring at his glaring eyes when you talk about how suck your day is.

you will figure out that what you have now is nothing compared to what you will have in the future.
you will learn and experience.
you will understand.
life, yourself.
you will not worry anymore.
you will get to the track.
you will be fine.

live slowly and steadily, but surely.

May 13, 2015

brace yourself, dear friend.

you will get to the phase where you both will fight over silly things and you will become even more sensitive.

you will get to the phase where she will look at other guys and like them or worse fall in love with them.

you will do the stupidest thing ever and she will leave. because that's how the karma works. slowly, but you will get to it.

May 10, 2015

of the things i've held inside for so long.

when you were 14, you saw your mom and dad fought over some woman at 2 in the morning. and your mom cried so hard your dad didn't know how to stop her, and you passed them to get to your room to sleep, never bothered to ask why.

you found your dad married to another woman because your mom was crying endlessly days and nights you were worried to death you started searching for clues.

one day, a stranger was invited to a wedding ceremony eating at the same table with your family, talking. your mom started saying twisted words and sarcastically. she hadn't stop crying.

you had sisters and a brother from your other mother.

at 18, you thought you never belong in your family.

at 21, your perspectives had changed drastically differ from your family.

at 23, you've cried so much because of them.

April 29, 2015

what. ever.

i was writing so enthusiastically in a car on our way to somewhere i can't remember. and she asked me what i was writing. i closed my jurnal drastically, quite shocked.
"sarah kau macam budak-budak deep tulis puisi dalam kereta kan?" she laughed. "just look at your twitter duh." she practically shot me without warning. i cringed a bit.
and they laughed.

is it weird to write anywhere whenever you want without being disturbed?

April 25, 2015

we're curing, slowly. we'll get to it someday.

"awak cakap awak sakit, mentally ill."
aku terdiam, to let him speak off what was in his mind.

"maybe i've always been mentally ill too. it makes me feel happy seeing people laugh at my jokes despite of what i've been through. throwing some punchline i guess, won't hurt."

"i'm a sad human being." he would say. i am a sad human being too, i'd say. i am, always.

April 19, 2015

today is hard enough. don't ever think about tomorrow.

i am built of dark thoughts and bad dreams and pitch black and sadness and blindness and soundless and deep hole and nothingness and depressness and everything out of nothing and numbness and void conciousness and colorless and helplessness. you cant make something out of nothing and it's the true art of numb. it feels so love to talk about how you've been dead all along out of yr concious body. i am perhaps, never alive for i want to always be unexisted long ago.

April 17, 2015

a hell of weirdness.

aku bangun dalam keadaan aku, nanu dan seorang kawan dia berkongsi bilik. bilik yang hanya mempunyai 2 katil, nanu offered untuk berkongsi katil dgn kawannya yang pada aku agak creepy. sedang kami berbual tiba-tiba guard datang dan forced everyone to take a mother cat dan tiga/dua anak kucing. seorang dapat satu set(?) atas arahan pengetua kolej. no one knew the reason behind it.

a closed friend of mine came and picked me up to hang out with her other friends. it's just so weird that i couldn't stop talking when on the road. and they seemed to like me alot too. it was really weird that i talked really alot. they were like 4 of them. their outfis were almost like my closed friend had. or i'd put it as, stylish than what i had in my wardrobe. they were very cool i'd say.

whilst kawan aku, dia tak bercakap langsung. atau dia memang tak nak cakap dia hanya focus pada pemanduan(?) no one knew what was in her head at that time. when we reached our destination, it was some place i did not know but i was told i went there often. we kept on talking and shared stories and showing off our awesomeness and suddenly, kawan rapat aku hilang dari pandangan. but we kept on talking anyways. some of us went on our seperate ways. not long after that, one of them came to me and said, "she said you're annoying. you just cant stop it can you?" that one came from a closed friend of mine. she were furious about me snatching up her cool friends when i didnt intend to. i was so brokenheart that i decided to go on my own way.

i wandered around and was bumped into my bestfriend when i was in high school. she were there to buy her medicine for her weird deceased. when queing up and waiting fr the pharmacist to give out the drugs, her sickness kicked in. her butt was twerking so hard she said she can't control it. her sister had to push her on the wall to stop it but it looked more like they were having sex with their clothes on while standing against the wall.

we gave her her meds and it calmed her. i kept on wondering why but i didnt ask her. after that, we had to seperate because i decided to take the cab to my college. the bus was packed it got bent like an elastic plastic ruler but it seemed like there were no cab. and so i walked again until i passed cross an old rumah kampung with a bunch of people gathered on the balcony. it was kind of a meet up event but only with cool people in it.

there was 4 of them again. i didnt say anything at first and walked pass them. but then they said something really pissed me off. i went right onto their face and said that i dont want to have anything related to them and they got furious when i walked away. they asked this one girl, an unknown assasin to kill me, the one that looked almost like in Kingsman movie. she ran towards me and i had to ran faster but i knew i wasnt a good runner.

aku berlari sampai ke rumah. i was on my period. and i wasnt came there to get a change. instead, i washed a pile of dishes in the sink when i was bleeding like hell. i told mum i had to run again. i ran away from home, like what i always wanted to.

finally, the assasin girl caught me when we were in some very tall building like the eiffel tower. and killed me.
or maybe i wasn't get killed i cant quite remember.

but it was really, the weirdest dream and longest i ever had. like some parts of my real life was in it, like i was living in my thoughts that feels alot real and confusing.

April 16, 2015

for the past few months, let's just move forward.

1. i've been writing somewhere else before but it couldn't keep me to want to write more, unlike blogger.

2. life has been out of hands, out of reach but, it's still under my control.

3. aku tak mahu menggemarkan diri menulis dalam bahasa inggeris sejujurnya. maybe that i lack of tatabahasa and new malay words, i've grown to love english than malay.

4. is it worth it to buy a kamus dewan?

5. what's more to tell? i'm in a good health thank god, like who cares if there's no one wants to know.