December 22, 2015
ii. i feel at ease, for a longest time now. and nothing is okay with feeling ease. trust me.
iii. jotting down short notes is easier than talking. try it.
iv. i dont have a strong point to actually write anything. well does anyone?
v. as much as i feel guilty, i cannot help myself. because i have lost myself, a long time ago. what left is just memory. or vivid dreams i cannot even grasp it.
vi. in finding light, you have to be patient. dear self, have a strong hold. have a strong hold for now.
December 18, 2015
December 17, 2015
it's like i refuse to put myself a trace, myself mapped to where people can actually reach for me. or at least, not here.
if you ever thought, or ever crossed your mind to check on me, you don't have to. what's on here, always stays here.
there's a reason why my url's created that long. there's a reason to it.
December 10, 2015
December 2, 2015
ii. you know, i cannot read in bulk. aku perlu satu bahan bacaan untuk satu-satu masa. or i'll get everything messed up.
iii. i am so enthusiastic about the idea of starting a business. but i don't have anything to get the business started other than selling used books.
iv. i need more connections.
v. starting something new always sounds so exciting. but can you manage till the end?
vi. aku selalu memikirkan perkara-perkara yang sepatutnya bukan tempat aku lagi untuk fikirkan seperti, bagaimana kau boleh terima segala keburukan aku sedangkan once, i could not do that to you.
December 1, 2015
November 26, 2015
you remembered those times when you guys were not as stranger as now.
you reached for your phone then and you scrolled on your twitter. you thought maybe that you could forget what was just happening. you scrolled and you came across a tweet, saying those times when you were both staring at the same moon. it was beautiful. it was another guy from the other star.
you thought leaving would cure you. and you were.
you reached the room you thought the most suitable and the most real. you entered without knocking as if you knew it was meant for you. and there he was standing with open arms. you smiled. and you hugged back. and it was the warmest hug you thought. but then, it was too long. and the hug was getting tighter. you were hardly breathed so you let it go. you pushed too hard that you bounced onto the wall through the door. the door slamed and locked, forever.
you were tired. tired of looking for a comfort room. you thought you should go back to the beginning. but the beginning was so far away.
ironically, someone came. someone from the beginning. he said he wanted to fix you. he was broken too. and so you thought maybe you could fix him too. you were both curing. you were both living. you hoped so.
November 14, 2015
ii. you know, we should start our own garden and i can pick a flower or two after four to five months and we can make our own beautiful arrangement and i can give it to old couples in the park.
iii. i sound like a typical tumblr girl although i refused to live a life so cliche but somehow, a girl needs to dream.
iv. i cant wait for graduation and real world because God knows i'm ready.
November 7, 2015
basically, you're barely yourself at 3AM.
November 6, 2015
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November 4, 2015
October 25, 2015
ii. have you ever feel disgust with yourself of the things you wish you didn't do? because i do, all the time.
iii. you cannot just simply test people, sarah. especially on their loyalty, or pride. you can't
October 18, 2015
October 12, 2015
October 9, 2015
ii. i've lost track on how much i've uttered 'fuck meghan trainor' while listening to her song featuring john legend. like, i am supposed to hate this song because it's a love song you'd love to sway with your spouse.
iii. maybe i'll stop thinking how much you really meant to me. like when people told me how much i meant to them. like when they shared their stories with me. like when they asked me about my opinion where i feel belonged to.
October 8, 2015
funny, when you're in the middle of a crowd and everyone's laughing about whatever the others doing and you're there, spacing out thinking about the moment you've treasured but now they're all gone with him.
anyway, i was really looking forward for the upcoming weekend. but right now, i wish i didn't say that it's okay for him to come along with us. he just made me wanna feel more like killing myself.
October 3, 2015
October 1, 2015
Aria was a sweet, sweet girl whose mind was always wondered and full with curiousness. she loved asking question about the stars and universe and the creator and human emotions and religion and things that a normal human being would probably jump over that sort of questions. every. religious. person. would.
maybe i'd skip to the part to where she fell in love and all of her wonderfulness had been suck out of her with the person who entered her life and had ignored her that she was left devastated and died alone.
poor Aria. it's just a matter of time when love is nothing but an empty pool of burned up hard-floor it dries up anything that goes into it. like a black hole. like a black heart.
ii. the thing with heart, you can't really control it. if you did, it's either you'd hurt yourself or the people around you. and as for me, i'd rather choose hurting myself. i've a lot to be kept up and filled, and that i turned myself into someone who refused to open up. it's like you put a lights up cracker in your throat but it just won't blow up. and before i knew it, i've become a masochist.
iii. how do you give up on yourself? how do you stop yourself from missing people who had left you? how do you get back your missing pieces? mungkin jawapan kepada persoalan-persoalan aku tadi letaknya pada sehampar prayer mat. aku butuh waktu. dan orang-orang disekeliling aku are pushing me to the extend that i start to hate myself for the choices i've made. it's unfair, yes. but i deserve it somehow.
September 16, 2015
kadang aku terfikir, terlalu banyakkah dosa yang aku lakukan sampai aku di uji begini? i tried balancing sins with my good deeds. i guess that didn't work. mungkin pahala yang aku cari, tak setimpal dengan dosa yang aku dah lakukan. mungkin aku kaburi mata aku dengan, 'ah takpe. God forgives.' bertaubat dulu. terima atau tak, belakang cerita. and i ended up doing the same mistake when i know truly, a mistake done twice is not a mistake anymore. it's a choice. and i chose to be sinned.
i'm sorry, even if you can't accept this apology. please don't act nice to me, ever. because i don't deserve it. i never were.
September 12, 2015
anyway, i cannot tell anyone, any of my real life friends on how much i've cried lately because things just got out of control. how my head's tied up over the things i should not think about but i did that i feel like it's going to explode anytime soon.
i cried and cried and cried and probably going to cry later like i'm the only one suffering this God's test.
nevermind anyway. i sinned. i deserve whatever it takes.
"budak lelaki yang haritu, ada call awak? siapa nama dia?"
"nampak macam serious. lelaki kalau dia jumpa family tu maknanya dia dah serious tu." sambil memandang tepat ke arah aku.
aku melarikan pandangan seolah-olah barisan pokok dan kerusi yang bersusun tak bernyawa lebih lucu untuk diperhatikan.
"awak serious tak?"
"habiskan dulu belajar, abah." sambil mengukir senyum kelat.
yet i still cannot believe myself, how can i be so stupid?
August 14, 2015
when the same mistake happened twice, maybe you should consider yourself first before you start blaming on people.
i did the same mistake now, and that i'm just like the person whom i told myself, i would never be like her.
August 1, 2015
July 9, 2015
June 19, 2015
i hope we're 6 or 7 or 10 years together and still fun.
and i hope i didn't have to meet a new guy and feel happy because he's funny and he makes me happy because you're too faraway. i hope i didnt have to feel guilty to him because i'm gonna break another heart.
i hope i never get bored listening to you. i hope i never did anything that breaks your heart.
but it's just me being delusional. i get confused and distracted alot. i'm scared. i'm fucking scared.
June 17, 2015
life has been good so far. i did not get what i've expected but i am grateful for where i am now. and for that, i shall thank god a lot more.
kadang aku rasa, padan muka with what you chose cause now i'm at better place than yours. reality sucks aint it? betul lah, people said god knows what's better for you and i shall not be sad about it. and now, it serves you right in the face.
i dont think its wrong to boast off how happy i am to be here because you know, you can suck my virtual dick anytime you want baby.
June 14, 2015
June 2, 2015
hi. how are you doing? i'm actually glad that you're finally moving on. i dont really know but from what i've seen, you've moved on. while i'm stuck here loving people you used to love endlessly, you used to know, even.
this is not a sorry letter or a sympathetic one. i still get jealous over all the memories you have with them. i've lost my school friends, some used to sleep beside me for a whole year. i dont mind. they don't know the real story of us, even you.
i just wish you'll get better, we'll get better. our lifes dont resolve around people we love or loved. things happen and time cant turn back to what it was. be young, and shut up.
May 25, 2015
when i was 17, having too much social network account felt so right. blogger, tumblr, twitter, facebook, flavors, spring, you name it. but now, four seems too much and annoying because you have to like keep updating and the need to always have something to say about is rather irritating.
i like it here. i've grown to like it here. no one cares rather you are exist or not. you don't care who's going to read or see or care about what you write. people jump from blog to blog, pass you and don't care anymore. or some may stay but no one rarely talk about it. no one ever talk about what i write in here.
i feel free. completely. or so you may say, puas.
May 16, 2015
you will build a family.
you will work for the sake of your family.
things might get a little bit fuck up with people at work and stuff,
but nothing beats staring at his glaring eyes when you talk about how suck your day is.
you will figure out that what you have now is nothing compared to what you will have in the future.
you will learn and experience.
you will understand.
you will not worry anymore.
you will get to the track.
you will be fine.
live slowly and steadily, but surely.
May 13, 2015
you will get to the phase where you both will fight over silly things and you will become even more sensitive.
you will get to the phase where she will look at other guys and like them or worse fall in love with them.
you will do the stupidest thing ever and she will leave. because that's how the karma works. slowly, but you will get to it.
May 10, 2015
when you were 14, you saw your mom and dad fought over some woman at 2 in the morning. and your mom cried so hard your dad didn't know how to stop her, and you passed them to get to your room to sleep, never bothered to ask why.
you found your dad married to another woman because your mom was crying endlessly days and nights you were worried to death you started searching for clues.
one day, a stranger was invited to a wedding ceremony eating at the same table with your family, talking. your mom started saying twisted words and sarcastically. she hadn't stop crying.
you had sisters and a brother from your other mother.
at 18, you thought you never belong in your family.
at 21, your perspectives had changed drastically differ from your family.
at 23, you've cried so much because of them.
April 29, 2015
"sarah kau macam budak-budak deep tulis puisi dalam kereta kan?" she laughed. "just look at your twitter duh." she practically shot me without warning. i cringed a bit.
and they laughed.
is it weird to write anywhere whenever you want without being disturbed?
April 25, 2015
"awak cakap awak sakit, mentally ill."
aku terdiam, to let him speak off what was in his mind.
"maybe i've always been mentally ill too. it makes me feel happy seeing people laugh at my jokes despite of what i've been through. throwing some punchline i guess, won't hurt."
"i'm a sad human being." he would say. i am a sad human being too, i'd say. i am, always.
April 19, 2015
i am built of dark thoughts and bad dreams and pitch black and sadness and blindness and soundless and deep hole and nothingness and depressness and everything out of nothing and numbness and void conciousness and colorless and helplessness. you cant make something out of nothing and it's the true art of numb. it feels so love to talk about how you've been dead all along out of yr concious body. i am perhaps, never alive for i want to always be unexisted long ago.
April 17, 2015
aku bangun dalam keadaan aku, nanu dan seorang kawan dia berkongsi bilik. bilik yang hanya mempunyai 2 katil, nanu offered untuk berkongsi katil dgn kawannya yang pada aku agak creepy. sedang kami berbual tiba-tiba guard datang dan forced everyone to take a mother cat dan tiga/dua anak kucing. seorang dapat satu set(?) atas arahan pengetua kolej. no one knew the reason behind it.
a closed friend of mine came and picked me up to hang out with her other friends. it's just so weird that i couldn't stop talking when on the road. and they seemed to like me alot too. it was really weird that i talked really alot. they were like 4 of them. their outfis were almost like my closed friend had. or i'd put it as, stylish than what i had in my wardrobe. they were very cool i'd say.
whilst kawan aku, dia tak bercakap langsung. atau dia memang tak nak cakap dia hanya focus pada pemanduan(?) no one knew what was in her head at that time. when we reached our destination, it was some place i did not know but i was told i went there often. we kept on talking and shared stories and showing off our awesomeness and suddenly, kawan rapat aku hilang dari pandangan. but we kept on talking anyways. some of us went on our seperate ways. not long after that, one of them came to me and said, "she said you're annoying. you just cant stop it can you?" that one came from a closed friend of mine. she were furious about me snatching up her cool friends when i didnt intend to. i was so brokenheart that i decided to go on my own way.
i wandered around and was bumped into my bestfriend when i was in high school. she were there to buy her medicine for her weird deceased. when queing up and waiting fr the pharmacist to give out the drugs, her sickness kicked in. her butt was twerking so hard she said she can't control it. her sister had to push her on the wall to stop it but it looked more like they were having sex with their clothes on while standing against the wall.
we gave her her meds and it calmed her. i kept on wondering why but i didnt ask her. after that, we had to seperate because i decided to take the cab to my college. the bus was packed it got bent like an elastic plastic ruler but it seemed like there were no cab. and so i walked again until i passed cross an old rumah kampung with a bunch of people gathered on the balcony. it was kind of a meet up event but only with cool people in it.
there was 4 of them again. i didnt say anything at first and walked pass them. but then they said something really pissed me off. i went right onto their face and said that i dont want to have anything related to them and they got furious when i walked away. they asked this one girl, an unknown assasin to kill me, the one that looked almost like in Kingsman movie. she ran towards me and i had to ran faster but i knew i wasnt a good runner.
aku berlari sampai ke rumah. i was on my period. and i wasnt came there to get a change. instead, i washed a pile of dishes in the sink when i was bleeding like hell. i told mum i had to run again. i ran away from home, like what i always wanted to.
finally, the assasin girl caught me when we were in some very tall building like the eiffel tower. and killed me.
or maybe i wasn't get killed i cant quite remember.
but it was really, the weirdest dream and longest i ever had. like some parts of my real life was in it, like i was living in my thoughts that feels alot real and confusing.
April 16, 2015
1. i've been writing somewhere else before but it couldn't keep me to want to write more, unlike blogger.
2. life has been out of hands, out of reach but, it's still under my control.
3. aku tak mahu menggemarkan diri menulis dalam bahasa inggeris sejujurnya. maybe that i lack of tatabahasa and new malay words, i've grown to love english than malay.
4. is it worth it to buy a kamus dewan?
5. what's more to tell? i'm in a good health thank god, like who cares if there's no one wants to know.