December 29, 2016

damn feels

one thing for sure, you should finish what you've started. especially bila kau tulis dengan perasaan. well, everyone writes with feelings aren't we? yesterday i felt so warm blankets and after rains. today feels more like shit. ada tulisan yang tak habis semalam dan the flowery me only happened yesterday. oh god why everything turned shits today? oh goddd.

December 17, 2016

dark

maybe i should write something even more depressing. just like my feelings right now. you see, i've become more and more calculative these days. i count how long would you take to reply my message(s), count how much you uttered your love towards me, i count how much i should reach to buy all the things you want in the world. i count how much i've invest and how much longer can i stand. sure, parents know how hard it is to raise a kid.

i woke up to a dream of in loved with my colleague when i know for certain i can never in love with everybody else just because i crave attention so much. aku fikir, maybe this is what heartbroken people do. the absence is real. the lost, is real.

December 15, 2016

if you're wondering what i'm doing

today, i felt like i was in a surgery room conducting a surgery.

it all started when few TM members reported that they couldnt login to the system. you see, that's what it's like to be in a maintenance team working with networks running everyday non-stop for 365 days; you have to act fast. nak tak nak, you have to understand that delaying can also cause death. or what our bosses said, "we arent just maintaining systems, our actions can cost people's lives."

i remembered, you were saying as if this kind of 'engineering' job is somewhat 'too common'. and i was sitting there making my ok face sebab i realized this 'too common' job's gonna pay hell lot in 2 years time you just wait.

i know i said that having lots of money doesnt count as success. be real, people pay you alot when you have experiences so blame the society. it's okay though cause someday, imma start my own kickstarter and blow your mind to pieces you can no longer talk.

December 12, 2016

little of now


last two weeks, i had a - what you might called - short vacation to terengganu. the purpose was mainly to attend my friend's wedding. plus, i just had to stay outside of kuala lumpur for awhile.

meeting old course mates was somewhat brings back memories though i dont have much i could remember about them. it was fun anyway. tak percaya that we grow up so fast. i started thinking about buying a house already. when i brought this up to him - of saving for a house - he chuckled, disbelief of what he just heard out of me. i, somehow, aged so much.

when i was in primary, i thought, this day would never came. i'd never got old. i didnt even think i will pass marriage stage, not this far for sure. i dont know. i just felt like that. it happened still. it is happening. i got a job that doesnt require me to drive to work and it's amazing. life's amazing. at least for now.

November 25, 2016

rage, personal and everything in between.

i. as i get older, i found that there's nothing wrong with being like everyone else. macam, suka dengan the usual, dengan not being different. before, i thought being different than everybody else is what defines you but it is certainly not. i used to prefer hanging out at the library or the bookstore over watching movies at the cinema or eating out at fancy restaurants. who cares anyway as long as you know what you're doing.

ii. kadang aku juga merasakan bahawa when i write in malay, people will not take me seriously. or i may find that i'm not so serious to tell what's going on inside my head. don't get me wrong. i like writing in malay too it's just i stopped reading malay literature when i was 22 exactly when i started reading to Haruki Murakami's and Fixi's books were getting worst and i no longer interested in malay poetry because some that i liked are bloody hard to digest. i gave up(?) on malay, i guess. however, i'm still talking and learning to construct my words in my head from time to time so i can continuously speak in humble manner (in malay) to the eldest. god, i know i'm sweet.

iii. why would almost every girl (probably who think they loved makeup) gets crazy over 20% off at Sephora? i mean it's only 20% off and then they had to act like they're broke or they're going broke. ntah apa-apa. i once went there and i was losing my mind because why on earth would girls buy those makeups with insane prices especially when they already had too many in their makeup bag, especially when you still have makeup dupes with the same shade and therefore can save more money? these people are so pathetic they don't know how to manage their personal finance.

iv. now aku faham kenapa you won't feel a thing when you buy things using those money your parents gave you claiming you had saved them as a reward for yourself because spending money hasil titik peluh kau is very different. you start to appreciate it. and you stop being stupid and start to invest on it. you start to act on yourself and be responsible. these are the things those spoilt brat don't understand. these are the things they're missing out in their 20s. i feel sorry for them.

November 23, 2016

the year's passing fast

i. lately, i found myself caught up with thoughts raucous inside my head. like they're finding their way out while i on the other side, am blocking them to get through. you see, a genius' mind is not that easy to handle.

ii. i need to really smile a lot at people instead at surroundings other than people. because often i found myself smiling at trees of buildings or people's action when they're not looking.

iii. for once, i prefer the traditional way for travelling. it's so easy to get cheap ticket flights nowadays. and you have so many options.

iv. i am the kind of person who loves to annoy you more with the things you hate when you show how much you hate it. so, don't show. and don't ever ask me why.

v. aku perasan one thing for sure. that's, when you start to buy a book after another and you haven't start reading the latest book you just bought (or many others you haven't), it shows you that you just love the shopping not the reading. i know i'm right.

November 10, 2016

wait now

i have lost 98% of myself and what's inside my body. aku adalah yang di antara tergesa-gesa membuka pintu dengan yang give up not even halfway through. pernah wonder what'll happen to your own body when you're no longer own it?

October 21, 2016

seketul 'bean'

i have so many things happened in my life this whole week. and i should have write a thing in a single post at least but i failed. i refused to. malas.

i've been on this blog like every day. you see, i have so many free times to kill but then i just stared at the dashboard, viewed my pageviews, or read people's posts only when theywere worth my seconds. i want to write tapi i failed to construct the words beautifully or you could say sedap enough to read.

i don't really like brainstorming, on everything. though it sort of helps my brain.

anyway, kakak had delivered a beautiful princess yesterday. how time flies, right? i felt like i just wrote about her marriage yesterday. so i thought i'd share few photos of her cute baby and i can't wait for our first meeting ever!





isnt she the prettiest?

October 17, 2016

i need a break, desperately

dan segala rahmat yang telah kau berikan, hati ini masih menginginkan lebih dari yang sepatutnya. ampunkan hati ini, tuhan.

October 14, 2016

icon fashion my ass

honestly, i dont really spoil myself with material things to get the best look of me from the outside. for instance, pretty outfits. somehow, there's a person who really like to shower me with this kind of thing.

it's not that i hate it. who's crazy enough to not like free stuff? i just do not prefer it, more like it'll be the last thing i want on my list. if you really wanna buy me things, really, just procure me a book or a plant or a bicycle or a camera or any cute tools that i can improve myself inside out instead of wasting money on clothes.

it's not a big deal though. i just feel like everyone is making a mannequine out of themselves. showing off their pretty clothes, walking in them not knowing who they really wanna be in which they'd rather be anyone but them. it's heartbreaking. the famous instagrammers are winning. and i'm not happy.

butter. fly.

i. scanning through list of houses or rooms to be rented, i realized i don't need this shit. well, maybe not this instant. i still have few more months to think it thorough. so, classy condo or executive apartment?

ii. i'm just not making sense. i just did a practice on how to use through and thorough correctly. and made myself clearer.

iii. not having a car is good. having a car is good too. especially when you only have to commit on its maintenance. either way, i really enjoy my time alone these days.

iv. i mean look at me, i'm all happy walking from home to work and repeat. i can see people. probably judge them if it's necessary. this is a small city with shitload of people. it's amazing.

v. i love what i'm doing now. my heart is growing. bigger than the past. probably bigger than yours. you cannot defeat me with your hates. because i am so full and content and healing and pretty things. and love. a lot of love.

October 12, 2016

i am not quite myself anymore

after a long period of time, aku cuba untuk sentiasa, setiap hari, berfikir perkara yang baik-baik. boleh dikatakan, bermula terbit fajar sehingga terbit fajar esoknya. dan ia telah menjadi rutin. if anyone ever tried to ruin it, aku akan cuba sedaya aku untuk masih berfikir yang baik-baik. it's been a year now. it's good. it feels good. but i do have cheat days. macam work out. sometimes, you gotta have cheat days. this is more like a mental workouts. and today had become one of those cheat days. i want to rip my chest open and pull everything out. i mean, literally. i cant cry. a year before it was so easy. am i already become so comfortable with happiness? i can feel a crack from the inside, like a very heavy load but i cant throw it out no matter how hard i try. like myself wont let me. it hurts. it hurts so much that i dont have tears for it. this body of mine is changing itself to something i barely know of.

train thoughts

sometimes, i think about what we're having now, or my feelings. all at once. do old couples have the same feeling i felt? or at least once in their lifetime? i was thinking, is this really my decision?

aku macam nak cakap tapi taknak cakap.

... Lol.

this train sucks. lets just end it here.

October 5, 2016

the art of pure loyalty

knowing someone you loved, texting and flirting with others breaks your heart. tapi aku pun bukan baik sangat. i think loyalty is never fulfilled. i mean, talk about pure loyalty, a perfect definition atau fahaman of loyalty. pets are loyal. pets are honest.

human tak. human is the proportional of that. what to do? we're all made up of good values but we chose to be the opposite of it.

i think the highest possibility of loyalty one can achieve is 98%. mesti akan ada 1 or 2 lies and dishonest act kan? like, flirtationship in the absence of their girl or boy. and the weakest excuse had ever crossed my ears was "i didnt mean it." (???)

-- 16th June 2016.

October 1, 2016

be like me, always be like me

i. let me tell you one thing, the world is stuffed with engineers. you are not special. you are just a tool for a company. stop making like you are so important to society. it makes me wanna throw up, so bad.

ii. have i told you that i hate almost 80% of people i know in my real life? now you know.

iii. i could always block these people right? i could pretend like they dont exist, like i have some brain damage, like i just diagnosed with amnesia.

iv. it's hard to find people who keep inspiring others by not mentioning who they are. because they only think about others feeling, of what if they are in other's shoes. like, people like me.

v. in the end, i am the good example i talked about. yes. because i dont have to go to instagram or twitter just to brag about how good it feels to be the engineer, that i make everyone feels less powerful than i am.

vi. it's good to be the person who cares. it's good to be the person who didnt wear the heavy boots other's might having but clever enough to understand.

v. seriously though walk with your head down low but your brain up high so you dont get your brain stuck up your arsehole. it would be embarassing.

September 29, 2016

i want to

i wanna start study, again. but this time, it's gonna be different. different school, different environment, different country and definitely, different major. you just wait.

of growing wiser

i always consider that every words uttered are confessions, even if it's a story about someone, things, event. it's always a confession.

we heard a news about one of my friends is having a job with the highest salary among us. i remembered the other day, he asked my opinion on which to accept by comparing between one he was having and one he was offered to. i, with my humble and honest opinion, told him which one i would choose.

he, who happened to be in typical other people definitely chose the one with the highest salary. i couldn't care less. it's the thing people do. they just wanna know your opinion and advice. they'll still gonna choose the other way around.

once, Along, Kakak and I were discussing about this matter. "gaji besar, takde life. balik malam, kerja tak pernah habis." Along cakap. for once, i agree with him.
i have plans. and i am, honestly, from the bottom of my heart, saying this, finally: i am grateful with where i am now and what i have. seriously. it was so hard before (a year ago) to accept who i am and who i was. a year had taught me so much. and at the end of 2016, i can assure you, it's the year of so much progressions.

and then, i'm gonna pat myself at the back and say, "you've done very well, dear self. very well."

September 25, 2016

sick people

i wanna clarify on one thing about pregnancy. the other day, i tweeted about it.

i remembered when my other mother bragged about being pregnant when she had a bump that only 2 months old. my mom said, orang zaman sekarang tak ada rasa malu that when she was pregnant, she only told her family about it. i didnt get it at that time.

now it's different. almost everything you want the world to know about it. cakap pasal craving, morning sickness and worse, selfie with your bump. i just dont get it. if you want people's blessings, yeah i'm happy for you. we all get it, you're pregnant. i dont see the point of saying about it all day all night.

some might say i'm definitely jealous about it. excuse fucking me. you should have more common sense in you. grow up, seriously. and think hard. is it worth the tell? arent you ashamed of yourself?

September 21, 2016

of healing

i was up quite late last night. it wasn't a planned meet up we were having but i'm glad i have the time for it, during weekdays especially. i've always got time for a long chat, haven't i?

it was the night that he got everything he craved for. i was blamed for that because i was mad about things i failed to figure. we were sitting there with our light meal talking about heavy topics like how our hearts felt about almost everything. he's the type of person who rarely talks about his views and opinions. and i was there, happened to listen to his rambles.

it was very comforting i shall say. not because of his stories, instead, of the fact that he tried to utter in every way possible to make me understand each word. it was just the talk. we could not stop. dan kesemua daya upaya yang kita guna to pull each of us to a safest place makes me feel like we're home. maybe this is the healing piece they talked about. it's not much but it's there.

there's so many things i wanna tell, i wanna talk about. but the words just didn't come in a way i expected it to be. maybe some other time, let it be some other time.

September 17, 2016

what's coffee to you?

i used to be so addicted to coffee. it's a choice. i wanted myself to be addicted to it. it's the same as drugs, cigarrettes, alcohol and anything addictive. you have the choice to make it happen. also, to stop it from happen. and so i stop drinking coffee for a while.

i used to think coffee makes me think clearer and faster, that every time i had coffee, i'd write better. good writings lead to a better day. therefore, i'd summed up my day with: good coffee goes along with a good day.

however, it's truly not like that. when i'm writing this, i havent had coffee (yet). coffee gives you this feeling where you feel dependable on it. when you choose to be addicted to it, you know yourself that you want it to own you. therefore, it's not weird when some people would rather not be in relationship but definitely not going through a day without a cup of coffee.

if smoker has a term of social smoker, i own myself a term of social caffeinator, i guess. where you take caffein as a tool to socialize; to get along with people. also, i barely buy myself a coffee. starbucks? about 2-3 times i ever bought myself with. i dont fancy overpriced coffee. i just dont.

so, what's coffee to you then?

September 14, 2016

train

it's day 2 of free pass ride on kelana jaya line. every train is packed with people in it, hop on and off because it's free. untuk orang yang pengangkutan hari-harinya adalah tren, pada aku keadaan ini sangat menjengkelkan.

melayu dan percuma berpisah tiada. it goes with its name, cheap.

"sarah, dah makan dah? sorry, tadi kitorang naik lrt sebab free, kan?" clearly, not a question you're supposed to answer but you get the view.

"semak." aku type dan hantar kepada A. semak dengan keadaan train yang biasanya penuh dengan lelaki ber-suit lengkap dan wanita ber-skirt tapi minggu ni bakal atau sedang dipenuhi dengan kanak-kanak, budak sekolah dan pregnant women.

pernah ada suatu ketika, tren berhenti di kerinchi atau mungkin kelana jaya. sekumpulan perempuan-perempuan berisi meluru laju menyumbatkan tubuh mereka ke dalam perut tren, mencari tempat duduk kosong seperti musang kelaparan. aku macam biasa, sedang duduk menikmati such privilege from the tradition of first come first serve. mereka berkumpul di depan aku, mencanang perkara-perkara yang not worth single attention from people like me. aku jadi jelek.

setiap perhentian aku menyumpah supaya wanita-wanita ini beredar. ada ketika mereka senyap. tuhan saja yang tahu betapa bersyukur aku 2 minit dalam kesunyian itu.

that's definitely one of those days i wish i didn't have to go through.

September 13, 2016

"April 22nd, 2015: I resent being called a hipster." - emily

found myself a good title to begin with so here's the long-waited post.

i. remember about the blog i once mentioned on how good it is? i've found it and went to twitter asking into the void of who she is. ya guess, no answer.

ii. i am, without a doubt, the best stalker you can find in the city.

iii. i wonder how it feels like to be a little off sober. like, when you just off a bar and it is one o'clock in the morning and suddenly you felt like wanna get yourself a little bit of ink planted under your skin just below your right collarbone.

iv. heard a story of a guy who went intoxicated when i, myself thought, he's supposed to be an angel. i was so wrong and he's such a cutie.

v. tell me how to surf without getting yourself anxious about what everyone's doing in this cozy yet stressful place.

September 7, 2016

i somehow, liked it here

"so how's the stalking going?" i said after looking up through my traffic sources as if 'he' would hear me. think you'd get away with it?

selepas mendengarkan apa yang kak R told me, i said to myself that i don't wanna end up like those people who had to resign because their contract expired. and that they didn't get the offer to renew their contract or turn permanent.

to be really honest, i have already set a new goal. therefore, i need to be here to somehow achieve that goal. sebab finally i can say to myself that this is the career path that i want. untuk menjadi seorang sarah, it's not that easy to have a very high self esteem and confident.

whether it's good or bad it's gonna turn, just pray for good things for me.

September 4, 2016

'how do i get to heaven?'

i think i'm losing count of how many times i'm losing myself.

September 3, 2016

list of things on why i dont have so many girl friends

i. you have to pay attention for their dramas.

ii. honestly, it's the most cliche thing you'd heard from a girl who claimed to have more guy friends than girls. seriously, my circle of girl friends dont have so much drama tapi they are mostly too girly, too kind (ok this one is good actually), too cautious, too brainy, too cheapskate.

iii. what else? oh, boyfriends. some would sacrifice a lot of their time to their boyfriend. i wont say 'invest' because they're not even their husband. nak jumpa, bapak susah. unless if it's lepak-time-aku-bawak-boyfriend-sekali-eh kind of meet up.

iv. kita cuba konon nak jadi the cool friend yang gives time to our friends for their lovey dovey shit until we've became the one who rarely gets the time to catch up with everybody else cause they are so busy with their guy. wake up gang, he's not even your husband (yet).

v. dan most of the time, i'm chilling with myself at home every weekend because i'm out of reach during weekdays sebab everyone is out with their boyfriend on weekends. bapak sedih ayat aku.

vi. seeing at the list you can say that i have issues, probably. and i enjoy my time alone, mostly. and i dont have much money for lepak currently. let's see how it goes for the next few weeks/months.

September 1, 2016

i think bosses trained themselves to not make an eye contact to newcomers. they're so pro

i was searching through the web about a post i once read where i have the screenshot of it tapi i cannot reach for it right now. tulisannya sangat bagus. sadly, that's exactly something i'd easily forget.

apa yang aku boleh katakan tentang tulisan tersebut, ia agak melankolik, depress dan serious; of the thing not everyone loves to read about. setiap ayat berkaitan antara satu sama lain dan seterusnya menghasilkan scene yang berkaitan dengan yang lainnya.

i think that's how you should write.

aku terfikirkan semua ini sewaktu aku berjalan pulang ke rumah dari train station sambil mendengar lagu-lagu yang dimainkan dari latest album kumpulan Daughter. it takes about 7 to 12 minutes of walking. i told this to one of my colleagues dan katanya jauh. i dont mind anyway walking a long way everyday. pernah juga terfikir untuk drive all the way to kelana jaya but thinking it'll cost me two times than taking public transport, i'd said nevermind lah.

dan dalam pada masa yang sama juga aku telah memikirkan how actually i should write; tentang bos aku, tentang pengalamannya, tentang thoughts dan nasihat yang diberikan, tentang meeting dan everything in that office. but thoughts are like dedaunan yang ditiup angin. it wont settle at the same place when the wind blows. so that's that. and that's how my day goes by.

August 26, 2016

nombor-nombor roman (v)

i. the only question that you don't need to answer is stupid question. it's just plain stupid that its relation with rhetorical questions is almost alike.

ii. tiga hari thinking of what should i write about the long waited job i've been dreaming about. still, nothing.

iii. if i could compare all of the job in malaysia, i still think mine is one of the best. and it's a hell lot to pay for its toughness.

iv. lately i found myself ok and not ok to be a loner. seolah apabila aku masuk sempadan selangor, maka aku akan jadi independent. whilst in kl, i cant be left alone. apahal?

v. sebagai ringkasan, aku harap mereka semua boleh terima aku. or even after a year that i have to leave, they'd remember me. it is too much to ask but i'd ask anyway.

August 22, 2016

nombor-nombor roman (iv)

i. i have a thing in considering how i should type to certain someone. sebagai contoh: 1. jika untuk urusan yang lebih formal seperti menghantar email, pesanan atau surat-surat maka perlulah setiap ayat dimulakan dengan huruf besar. 2. jika pesanan ringkas untuk keluarga, kawan-kawan dan social media, lebih informal dengan semua ayat menggunakan huruf kecil dan lebih banyak shortforms.

ii. i dont do mix. it's just not me.

iii. tentang penggunaan tanda, formal stays its way while informal barely noktah there. unless it's necessary. aku merasakan bahawa there must be something to differentiate between them. seolah kena ada that kind of value.

iv. my kind of good book doesnt necessary to be a good ending. kalau cara penceritaannya sudah baik, maka ia sudah cukup untuk aku katakan bagus.

v. aku kena lebih banyak bersabar dan bertolak ansur. which is a subject that i always failed.

August 19, 2016

of nicotine, alcohol and 24 degree celcius

aku melangkah masuk ke dalam lif. and i smelled something that reminds me a place i'd been before.

bau asap rokok yang sebati bersama perfume dalam keadaan suhu lif seperti di offices yang kedap dengan udara pendingin hawa.

aku kenal benar dengan suasana ini. sudah hampir 3 tahun aku meninggalkan bumi Senawang. yet, bau-bauan itu masih segar dalam kotak memori. macam deja vu.

aku hanya berharap yang baik-baik untuk hari mendatang. semoga tuhan kurniakan.

August 17, 2016

nombor-nombor roman (iii)

i. i'm not that type of a person yang tengok movie dan hafal nama pelakon. because i think when an actor acts as a different human being, he's already not himself anymore. hence, his name is no longer deserve my attention.

ii. but, to judge an actor on how good he is in acting, requires you to remember his name. satu pembawakan watak yang bagus dapat menempah nama pelakon tersebut ke mata dunia. in other word, he deserves it.

iii. let's see.. i'm not thrilled to watch About Alex. also, i don't have any idea why'd i downloaded it in the first place.

iv. aku juga ada ketagihan memuat turun movie in bulk without watching it. the feeling of watching the bar filled up with a green coloured substance is inevitable.

v. the green coloured substance is just hexadecimal numbers yang digambarkan in pixelletes hence it creates the colour. i did applied what i've learnt in my daily life didnt i?

vi. kuala lumpur adalah tempat berehat-rehat bagi aku. amat kontra bukan? hate to exaggerate but i think i was born here.

August 16, 2016

routine

kadang tuhan beri sesuatu yang luar jangkaan pada masa yang luar sangkaan kau. "miracle is another name for hardwork," i guess. keep on thinking good things tentang tuhan. you deserve it, self.

August 15, 2016

in too deep

untuk kesekalian kalinya, dan yang entah berapa kalinya, i am slowly slipping away. come catch, if you really care. because i'm already losing hope.

August 13, 2016

dak-dak hipster

i. limitting your audience is a step ahead to smalling your circle. hence, the protected tweets.

ii. maybe i was never good at making friends stay at all.

iii. hari yang berjalan terasa semakin pantas. definitely because i have things to settle everyday now. which by means, daily goals.

iv. kadang i feel amused seeing people trying to maintain their hipsterness for every picture they've taken. the pose, the filters they applied and everything in between. is that what really art meant?

v. anyhow, being a hipster requires a lot of money. which by means, your so called hipster is owning you. how much has it owned you? as much as you willing to spend for yrself that you claimed it's something that you like.

vi. i'm off that era. sebab i overspent it on foods. but still some are claiming me hipster. thank you for noticing it tho.

vii. one thing for sure, i finally understood what it meant to think good things about people. it's when you finally accept yrself and forgive.

August 9, 2016

what talking to a stranger feels like

i can feel my chest burning while listening to Fossa. how can a song affect your insides so much? earlier, aku dengar a song played by Daughter also. it made me wants to dance. i should have dance though god knows i'm bad at dancing.

have you ever really dance in front of people? i did once. zapin. seumur hidup aku, i never thought i'd dance in front of a human. but when i went to Japan last year, i had to do it. well, it's a hell of an experience. since you've always said that 'if you never try, you'll never know', that comes to a term of i need to do it.

nothing hurts though to try things we never have the guts to do. kadang aku terlalu untuk mencuba because there's a slight curiousity to hear your heart stops beating for once, for that moment. it's scary to think about it. that i have the desire to die.

August 7, 2016

ice cream at 8 o'clock in the morning is so me

i. hari ini adalah hari di mana i'm feeling so carefree. walaupun i know i cannot do anything today.

ii. bukan kerana kecelakaan atau simply aku tak sihat dan terbaring sahaja dirumah. it's a day out with family. and they are off going somewhere and i'm much more doing nothing in someone else's house. and i'm pretty much don't mind it at all.

iii. somehow, mendengar bunyi-bunyi kenderaan berpusu laju atas jalan raya makes me feel comfort. i guess i do miss kuala lumpur.

iv. pagi ini sahaja aku telah menangkap tiga ekor(?) pokemon. what's so hyped about what's trending now which honestly, i do not know.

v. i have become quite off my mind lately apabila aku imagined myself taking master course at some university in south korea. i reaally am out of mind.

vi. may everything goes smooth today. amen.

July 31, 2016

kau hanya akan rasa masa tu berjalan terlalu lambat bila kau sunyi. kadang aku harap aku akan terus sunyi. untuk apa bahagia jika hanya sementara? i guess it's only me. i guess it's always gonna be me.

July 28, 2016

nombor-nombor roman (ii)

i. aku sendiri penat membaca blog sendiri. why would anyone read this shit?

ii. orang kata job is job. you don't have to love your job. i think the word overtime only means that you're just failed to finish your job on time. hence, the overtime.

iii. i need to always remind myself, gaji bukanlah cara kau mempamerkan kejayaan.

iv. how do you retrieve accidentally deleted post?

July 27, 2016

cerdas yang bodoh.

semasa aku khusyuk meniti perkataan-perkataan Andrea Hirata tentang kecerdasan dan kebodohan, i came across two figures i read in Steve Jobs or seen in that movie. Steve Wozniak dan Steve Jobs.

Wozniak is Jobs best friend or who you could put it as a person who knows Jobs better than anyone else. dalam dunia ni, ada bermacam jenis kepandaian dan kebodohan. Wozniak is an engineer at Hewlett-Packard. while Jobs, was the owner or founder of Apple. they both made the computer. dua jenis manusia. Woz is a hobbyist. Jobs was a realist. they shared the same interest, electronics.

jadi, ada orang yang cerdas tapi terlalu kecut pada risiko, terlalu merasakan dirinya kerdil, dia settle pada tempat yang dia rasa selesa. ada juga orang yang cerdas tetapi dia sangat opportunis dan bersedia menerima apa jua risiko.

jadi cerdas anda yang mana? cerdas yang bodoh atau cerdas yang bijak?

July 25, 2016

and like other prayers, this one goes in between god and i.

'apa kau rasa kalau kau ni cukup beriman, jaga solat, jaga amal tapi kau end up dengan orang yang buat semua benda ala kadar dan anggap remeh tentang apa yang kau percaya?'

'...'

'sedangkan tuhan sendiri kata perempuan-perempuan yang baik untuk lelaki-lelaki yang baik..'

'tak tahu. mungkin aku hanya perlu anggap yang aku tak cukup bagus untuk dia. mungkin dalam perkara lain, dia lebih bagus dari aku. tuhan tak kata baik bermaksud hanya dalam satu perkara, right?'

'that makes sense... makes sense enough that you're actually making this up during your maghrib prayer.'

July 24, 2016

the truth runs wild, like a tear down a cheek.

i. i thought maybe, god were telling me to fix myself first. i thought maybe i'm strong enough for myself.

ii. people around me, they were rooting on good guys coming home and pick up them like picking up princesses for a ball. while i am sitting here feeling like a beast no one would care for.

iii. jika hari ini adalah hari di mana semua orang dihisab, maka esok pasti aku ditempatkan di neraka.

iv. if i knew asking for forgiveness could be this hard, i could've avaoid as many sins i'd encounter. forgive me, self.

July 23, 2016

ikut hati, mati.

of course, ada hati yang kita lukai luar sedar kita. "if i wanna go cruising for two years or more, what would you do?" i asked. dan soalan itu mati susur detik tanpa jawapan.

untuk kali ini tuhan, berikan aku jawapan.

July 22, 2016

[11:49]

logged in to my dashboard just to find out yesterday's traffic was uncanny. i didn't do something wrong did i?

anyway, that spirit of fired up to find a job is degrading right now. that's some progress isn't it? somehow, i keep telling myself i have to find money so i get to pay the bills. bukan lah banyak pun tapi ada sesuatu yang dalam diri kau kata, enough of depending on your parents for the bills they don't make even if it's not much. Abah doesn't really care if i don't have a job. bak kata Mak, he'd rather have his daughters at home than go to work. pernah sekali Abah cakap yang perempuan bekerjaya gedik. that's why Mak tak pernah bekerja lepas kahwin, kecuali kerja di rumah. i reckon.

that's why she started her nasi lemak and kuih-muih business at home. duduk rumah saje-saje is boring as hell i tell ya. the most eligible thing i can think of is khidmat for Abah and Mak. niat baik, fikir positif. at least you don't duduk saje-saje di rumah, i thought.

next week is Izzy's wedding. i don't have transport and it's freaking above 100kms away. plus, malas nak hadap kawan-kawan yang dah bekerjaya. probably everyone's going to ask you, Sarah kerja mana shits. well, the journey has not yet ended. one day, imma show you what rezeki really looks like and what patience really means.

July 19, 2016

f(or) you, a thousand times over.

i. i think i'm getting older. it's showing.

ii. aku perasan, every time aku go somewhere during the day, sampai rumah, aku terus akan mencari katil to sleep, instantly. i can just shut my eyes and sleep.

iii. anyway, started my day by went to the clinic and then to kelana jaya business park after that to tesco mutiara damansara. thank god the weather was just nice, tak panas.

iv. living with a newly married couple, is so. fucking. awkward. because you're not married yet. and you cant stand lovey dovey stuff evenso it's not that obvious. o' lord, grant me good thoughts and good thinking. amen.

v. today's interview is a little bit better. a little bit. congrats, self.

July 16, 2016

mengira. detik.

i told myself, if you wanna write, write seriously. and so i deleted my twitter just to find out someone else is logging in back again.

aku penat dengan drama manusia. yes, they're morons and it's funny to watch. but watching them everyday? i'd rather not. dan di facebook, keadaannya masih sama. semua orang (termasuk aku), cuba untuk control all of the situations. masing-masing cuba sehabis kudrat melontar hujah seolah dia sahaja yang betul. no one wants to read. no one ever wants to care.

mungkin aku hanya belong here dekat blogger?

oh fuck. i have interview to attend tomorrow.

July 14, 2016

day 19 at home

i. when you feel like you have to keep yrself updated with people's lives, remember that you don't have twitter anymore.

ii. friends come and go. and i have a very strong instinct that you are that kind of friend who'll leave.

iii. kalaupun kau dapat offer kerja gaji tinggi and you rejected it because of the reason kos sara hidup tinggi di area tempat kerja kau, you don't have to tell me exactly when you knew i was offered quite a satisfied salary. what kind of human are you? thinking highly of yrself and sending negative vibes to me?

iv. on the positive side of it, i love my family. sekurang-kurangnya they keep on supporting whatever decision i made.

v. i definitely need more girl friends. searching won't be so hard kan? hopefully.

vi. aku ego dan keras kepala? heard it couple of times. not a new thing to me.

July 10, 2016

several things i would hide

few months before, we had a kitten and named it Ringgo. it's a weird name Amin gave. what happened was, Ringgo died. kena cacing. i read up on the internet that it's normal for kittens to get infected. either by their mom's milk atau because of the lices or because they are actively outside.

anyhow, Ringgo was so cute. anak kucing sihat mana yang tak comel ya tell me. apa yang buat aku sangat marah adalah how everyone reacted at that time. semua orang gave up on him. mak brought him to the vet, one time. one time people. he didn't survive. it was so sad that Ringgo cried faintly every time someone approached him. sedih.

on the first of syawal, that afternoon, he died. poor Ringgo. i feel bad because i couldnt do anything. i feel bad because everyone gave up on him. cats go to heavens too right?

July 9, 2016

Meh

i. you try to be what people would say, mature. i'd say, good luck with that.

ii. tak plan untuk menulis in points but ended up sure i have so many things to talk about.

iii. hidup tak bekerja adalah sangat bosan. there. i said it.

iv. i'm still in doubt imagining myself going to work. apa yang aku sangat suka buat sebenarnya?

v. sedang menahan nafsu untuk tidak menyakitkan hati sendiri dengan mengambil tahu perihal hidup orang lain. sabar, sabar.

vi. sebenarnya, our point of view can be different from each other. kau kena accept my view even if you don't like it. and i'm accepting yours even not a single word i'd liked about it. that doesn't mean i have to agree to whatever you say. dah besarkan? jangan lah fikir pakai kepala lutut, hawau.

July 7, 2016

raya 2016, day one

seperti raya-raya lepas, susun aturnya lebih kurang sama. yang lain cuma mak dan abah yang semakin dimamah usia. sepupu dan saudara mara yang bertambah umurnya, dan masing-masing yang semakin lama semakin jauh. seolah ada barrier antara kami padahal masa kecil dulu macam isi dengan kuku. on top of that, we grow closer to the people we were not so close before. see, people come and go.

diumur 24 tahun, aku masih lagi menerima duit raya. aint that amazing?

last year's raya, we talked about our other mother having her children wore the same baju raya like the year before, dalam timeframe yang agak lama. it happened every year. this year, kami pula yang recycle baju. bukan baju raya but baju yang baru sekali pakai tahun ni. see, karma's a bitch.

other than that, aku tak rindu pada momen-momen sewaktu degree. sungguh. sama ada ia adalah bad moments or hanya persahabatan yang dibina atas certain tujuan. tak apa. berikan peluang pada diri untuk hadam semua benda ni. walaupun aku selalu cuba positif by saying that these guys are the persons who're gonna give syafaat to you soon in akhirah. said, i'm sure there's positive side of it.

haih.. bercakap dengan diri sendiri is not healthy at all.

July 5, 2016

raya post(?)

sempena raya or end of this ramadhan, i wanna list out several things i regret doing:

i. knowing a character so well i ended up dealing with it every day for the whole year.

ii. i did not ignore things i should have.

iii. i cared too much of my own feelings, compared too much, jealous over things that were not mine.

iv. i was too stupid to actually care.

v. i did not see beyond the hardships and struggles.

vi. questioned about fate. questioned about rezeki. questioned about hardworks. compared, compared and compared.

somehow, i feel grateful. because of all the things listed, i managed to create a better me. sekurang-kurangnya i can see what i'm lacking and learn. i see myself at the worst, at the bottom. "connecting the dots," aite?

July 4, 2016

unimportant.

how do you totally forget the one who taught you how to love? how?

you can't. the thought of him floats and always there. it just shows up out of nowhere. it's lucky to be you, i thought. because somehow, somewhere, you're living in someone's memory, for a very, very long time.

July 1, 2016

things been turned out well, so far.

i. adding s'more blog to your reading list also means more judging and arguing sesh with self, Sarah.

ii. it looks like i can almost control all of my desires to tell some people how much blessings i got lately. which means, i don't need that kind of attention from people. and this calls for celebration, definitely.

iii. untuk semua para lelaki di luar sana yang berfikir (termasuk dear self) bahawa perempuan tidak boleh (atau limited in terms of energy/commitment) belerja dalam bidang maintenance, if i got the chance (which i really hope) i'm gonna show the world i can.

iv. if you dont get it, suck it.

v. if you still dont get it, SUCK IT.

vi. o' life. it's so good.

June 24, 2016

...and what happened was, she finally cried over the things she always wanted to tell him of how much she hated it.

so long. you will be missed.

i'll just pray that i'll pass all subjects.

so i guess this is the end of it.

taktahu nak rasa apa. cukuplah tuhan tahu how much i've been through. aku masih lagi tak memuat naik gambar thesis di mana-mana sosial media. it feels like i did not do it good enough. macam, andai aku tulis caption yang berjela-jela penuh syahdu, it does not fill up what i actually feel about my work. hence, what done is done.

kadang aku rasa, i need to remind myself that it's okay to celebrate. it's done. afterall, it's your effort. fyp dah habis. cukuplah mourn about it. cukuplah trying to prove everyone that you can do it when actually you're just trying hard to prove yourself.

you cannot do it. dah tertulis. let's just pray that you'll pass it, Sarah. have faith.

and be happy. come on, degree life's over. be happy.

June 21, 2016

may Allah ease, everything.

aku fikir, orang yang suka belajar ni mungkin dia fond to exams and grades. like, when you win a war. aku selalu tertanya kenapa. kenapa study? untuk dapatkan ilmu? kalau bekerja, tak dapat ilmu? aku rasa bekerja lagi dapat banyak ilmu. luas dan lebih banyak yang luar daripada bidang. mungkin sebab minat yang mendalam sebab tu seseorang tu sambung belajar. you know, minat yang mendalam untuk strive for 4flat, minat yang mendalam untuk kejar the Ir., Dr., Prof., titles. well, i do not know.

in a parallel universe somehow, i could have not getting into engineering school. instead, i'd be in art school making movies, or taking photographs, or doing some artsy, or examining art prints i don't even know the meaning of it. who would have known kan? i loved that, very much. but the world was not made that easy in people's eyes.

too many things i've gone through this year. tinggal beberapa hari saja lagi. aku harap semuanya berjalan lancar. a new phase of life. goals? i dont have it. short term goals? yeah like what everyone is having now. aku cuma berharap that i won't stop growing. i could not stop growing. please.

June 6, 2016

Woke up to the sound of the city, the smell of morning dust that never fails me, walking along the aisle of dead rooms, I found myself inhaling the odour of fresh washed clothes. Hostel. Thoughts running around my head, I can't stay long in this sinful city. Enough of 2 years of boarding school, and 7 years of university life. But we never knew what life will take us to.

Then, the water is done boiling. I need to make my teh tarik.

May 10, 2014


no, i'm not okay.

esok adalah first paper untuk semester terakhir. dan hari ini adalah satu ramadhan.

aku masih lagi tak dapat nak siapkan fyp.

'kau dah banyak usaha. takkan lah Allah tak tolong kau.' terus bermain dalam kepala. aku harap aku akan terus bersabar. tak pasti berapa liter air mata dah tumpah. kadang kata-kata sv sikit pun tak beri semangat pada aku when i know really his intention is really different.

anyway, i just hope i won't flunk a subject this year. nak grad on time although i dont have a job yet.

sabar. it's ramadhan.

May 29, 2016

just thoughts.

it's funny that if you think about it. we have this huge bunch of community here in blogspot when there were no facebook or twitter. and suddenly everyone moved there. and only little remain. very little. curled up and comfortable enough to be on our very own.

anyway, aku tak rasa kebanyakan orang yang aku rasa layak untuk tahu tentang kewujudan blog ini sebenarnya betul ingat akan kehadiran blog ini. get it?

mungkin kategori layak yang aku maksudkan ni sedikit sebanyak telah aku labelkan mereka ini sebagai, 'people who do not really care' or 'people whose appreciation is not really fall into the word itself.' get it?

sebab aku berkata macam tu sama ertinya dengan sebab kenapa aku memberi such privilege kepada mereka. it's not the same as giving this privilege to my bestfriends. life's not AADC. i'm overprotective over things i love doing. aku tak mahu hobi aku dipertikai over some words like hipster, deep whatsoever. because damn it, i really love what i'm doing and i dont have the right to shut everyone up and the only thing i can think is to shut myself in.

get it?

May 12, 2016

turdday thursday.

i. have you ever noticed? that the wall is only look high when you lean closed, and look up.

ii. i'm extremely exhausted. for seeking love so far away. why did i even decide to fall in love in the first place? falling in love is a choice if you havent ever think about this before. it is.

iii. i cant wait for graduation day and get the hell out of here.

iv. not getting a job sucks. getting a job sucks too. at least, you get money for sucking in.

v. oh the hell with everything.

April 29, 2016

4 points of unimportant things.

i. biasalah tu, we are so turned off by things we should get but we dont get it. sabar, we'll get better things than what others have gotten.

ii. so just by looking at his face comparing to his body, i can say that he's just a fuckboy. you won't settle if he doesnt have good looks and good body and great attitude, kan?

iii. fuckboy is a very feminist word dont you think? kenapa tiada fuckgirl when ada douche and ada bitch? because girls who think highly of themselves, rasa diorang priceless when they are just cheap. sebab tu kena tinggal. thus label those men as fuckboys. pathetic, i know.

iv. why did you do that? why do you have to upload it all in one go?

April 25, 2016

5 points of hateful.

i. i have a genius bio for single people it goes like this: single on purpose.

ii. first thing to do when you have a twitter account: do not fucking tell everyone about your project progress. every. fucking. day. believe me, no one cares to know.

iii. you know i saw a post that goes like this: "to all my friends that think i've cut them off; we're adults and busy. no reason to be in contact bla bla bla whatsoever?" let me tell you this. yes i really cut you off my life. problem?

iv. i have a lot of cute sweaters i don't wear, in case no one wants to know.

v. twitter in fact, not a safest place for me anymore. because i still care what people going to talk behind my back.

April 15, 2016

hari-hari, hari banal.

i. aku sedar akan satu perkara. i only write when i feel bored.

ii. i leave out those little things i should remember and not putting it in my writing.

iii. i dont give a fuck. 

iv. stumbled upon a 12 year old famous girl on instagram and got me thinking, if i get famous, i'd, probably mock whatever the comments i get here. mungkin sebab tu aku tak famous haha

v. malas. malas. malas. nak tidur juga malas. 

April 13, 2016

spooky? nah.

"arent we just too afraid of all the things unseen?" i'd ask myself.

of course, there's thing like future but i'm definitely not talking about future. 

malam ini, seperti malam-malam sebelumnya, dia masih memasang ayat-ayat suci al-quran sehingga berkunandang ke seluruh bilik. aku pula jenis tak kisah. bukannya aku tak pernah kena kacau sebelum ni, cuma aku tak rasa memperdengar ayat suci daripada alat elektronik mengubah apa-apa. it doesnt have any soul. macam kita, manusia. 

sungguh, itu juga usaha. tapi pembacaan ayat suci dari jiwa yang hidup lebih meyakinkan. kerana pada pendapat aku, sesuatu yang bernyawa hanya akan takut pada yang bernyawa. tak begitu?

oh. i just had a bad day.

i. i know i'm not rich but at least i dont go brag around with my parents car and use my parents money for gas, bitch.

ii. aku sangat perlu belajar bagaimana untuk membalas budi baik orang walaupun budi baik aku ditolak. kadang-kadang aku pelik, are people really nice or are they just try so hard to show off that they are nice?

iii. fuck. everyone.

iv. oh and one more thing, if you hate me that much, you dont have to show the world about your feeling because it's just prove how stupid can you be because of the past mistake your boyfriend did. shame on you, bitch.

April 11, 2016

this post does not deserve a title. aku cuma tak mahu ia dilihat janggal tidak bertajuk.

Jadi persinggahan aku di Sabah selama 4 hari tak lah se-best yang aku sangkakan namun tak juga seteruk yang tak pernah terlintas dalam kepala aku.

Sebenarnya aku tak ada tujuan menulis cumanya mungkin rasa tak senang duduk dengan blog yang ditinggalkan lama tak bertulis. entahlah. macam lah ada orang yang menanti tulisan tentang hari-hari banal aku.

anyway, aku dalam fasa membaca tiga buku sekaligus which is not a good routine at all to start reading again. but somehow, i found solace reading to Steve Jobs autobiography. which is very rare. benar lah macam mendiang steve jobs cakap to the writer of his book, "you got this energy to get people to listen to what you're gonna say."

buku kedua adalah hold off-on And The Mountains Echoed written by Khaled Hosseini. the first few 30's pages adalah sangat membosankan. unfortunately, i'm still on that pages.

buku ketiga pula ditulis oleh Hamka Kereta Mayat entitled Syurga something-something. ada awkward scene tentang buku ini yang terjadi pada aku so let's just close off on this one.

dan yang terakhir, which i forgot to mention is an ebook. aku baca ini di Wattpad. Uqasha tajuknya. macam yang Azhar of Terfaktab says sewaktu kami bersarapan di pekan kecil Kundasang, "ada tulisan yang sekadar cerita(kosong), tiada klimaks, atau sebagainya," which i found it just a story. ordinary, quitely with no extra input at all. sekadar bacaan ringan. which makes me want to finish it despite busy schedule. no, because of this busy schedule, i have time to finish it for such lightweight story. yup.

April 3, 2016

this ain't cheating in writing.

i. she became antisocial because you stopped talking to her. so she chose to stay silent.

ii. i just realized that i cant stand people who talk a lot loudly. i'm getting a headache.

iii. nota ini telah ditinggalkan di dalam draft beberapa hari ini dengan niat untuk kembali padanya dan sambung menulis. unfortunately, it does not work that way. those ideas, they did not come in a way that we expect it to be.

iv. selesai minggu aku dihabiskan di Flora Damansara. somehow, Kuala Lumpur tetap dengan bahang degilnya. "welcome back. we missed you," they would utter.

v. i have to admit, long distance sucks. you don't have time for me, sucks. i dont have time for you, which also sucks. we are too busy living our lives, sucks.

March 27, 2016

faker alert.

when you never go to starbucks and stopped going to mcdonalds because you are the so called anti jews but when you were offered to work in intel with a starting salary of 2.5k and promised to be paid 3.2k after a year, you went uttered, "sometimes, bukan semua benda boleh dielak."

irony, isn't it?

March 26, 2016

massive.

i. to be honest, to be reaaaally honest, i'm not ready yet to be a wife.

ii. it's not like it's gonna happen now but the thought of it scares the shit outta me.

iii. i have so many things going around but right now, i'd appreciate myself if i could just shut the fuck up.

iv.  you don't have to be so nice because a success person i knew was not a nice person at all but rather an asshole. he left a company that marked the world history.

v. frustrated over the unseen scholarship money, she mourned about it everyday non stop. later on when it is in her account, she treated her boyfriend and spent all the money to herself. so i guess this is the typical jpa's holders. arent they lucky bitches? quite a good decision that the government stopped giving out the money especially if it meant to be in the hands of these ungrateful people.

vi. i am eager to cut my hair short. very.

March 17, 2016

can't stop now, have to keep going.

i. here's the thing, youth is only once. so make full of it. get enough rest but not too much because you dont wanna miss on something. wake up early as you can and start brighten up yourself. work hard, play hard, invent hard, pray hard. because you can.

ii. once you slow down, you know the next day you have to boost up no matter what.

iii. i need to always remind myself that i'm gonna end this semester as fruitful as i can.

March 15, 2016

a start of something not new.

at first it was that i wanted to always remind myself to keep being patient and not complaining, exactly refering to my future post. but then, the feel is not there yet/anymore(?) aku hilang rasa untuk menceritakan those little things yang aku always jot down so one day in the future, i would read it back again. 

you know when you write something because it's something you always loved to do but one day, you are given a task, and you do your best but still it doesnt feel like the best you can do, like it's not working anymore, and you feel like you need a break. 

so now self, do i need one?


March 12, 2016

unsettled.

i. second time of watching Steve Jobs movie, my friend. second time.

ii. i read through YA's and today, at the age of twenty-four, i have been told to write a response paper. i don't even.

iii. let's talk about something else aside than school life... well. fuck it.

iv. things are moving very slow. and kl is fucking steaming i hate it here very much.

v. you know, forget it. 15 minutes of exactly thinking everything to write but end up with particularly not so much. i hate to be in this room.

March 6, 2016

i hope this one settles for the longest.

they say, this age will probably the phase that nothing works out for you. it's not that you cannot do it but everyone is probably doing better than you. aku tak tahu whether i should believe it or not. being twenty-four is scary enough.

dan jalan yang telah ditetapkan mungkin tak selurus jalan mereka. dan mungkin lebih baik daripada apa yang ada. he once said, "belum sampai setahun menganggur, tak perlu menggelupur." i know he was quite mad.

i hate being in this circle. mungkin abah juga pernah merasai benda yang sama, of having shining and successful friends when you are just stuck here searching for a place to settle in. but he's different. he's smarter. he figured everything at the age of 30.

ada tiga benda yang aku janji pada diri: 1) jangan settle until you find a sweet environment that you find comfortable enough for you to face it every day. 2) you know you dont travel as much as everyone but when you do, you'd travel far. 3) you don't have anything expensive like everyone would have and show off to but you're chasing your dream, better than anyone would have.

March 3, 2016

life as a whole in a day.

started my day with some conversation about politics and how it destroys our life more or less and ended up with him saying, "fuck politics."

in between, a random guy came and said, "saya dah dua kali kahwin, sama je rasa dia? macam takde apa. jadi duda lagi best, tak ada apa nak serabut."

which made me saying, "mungkin dia tak jumpa lagi someone yang betul boleh bagi dia apa yang dia nak atau mungkin dia sendiri tak ada effort untuk dapatkan apa yang dia nak." which i made up my mind saying people are desperate to find what they really want until they lose sense of  what exactly they want. 

i ended my day with some conversation about Tun Mahathir and Nazri and Tunku Abdul Rahman and in the end i said, "fuck politics."

March 1, 2016

nota-nota, lagi-lagi.

i. sedang The Danish Girl dimainkan, aku cuba untuk menafsir bait-bait skrip yang diutarakan. ternyata, sarah seorang yang deep.

ii. sebenarnya, sangat tidak masuk akal untuk seorang isteri menyokong penuh keinginan si suami untuk menukar jantina. it's not normal. and it hurts, so much.

iii. kuala lumpur is burning. kuala lumpur is burning, hard.

iv. aku adalah manusia yang tidak biasa berseorangan. eventhough sometimes i enjoyed it very much, being alone. tapi bukan dalam keadaan maha panas, terperuk di dalam bilik maha kecil ini.

v. i'm in desperate need of escapism.

February 28, 2016

saturday and all in between

pagi sabtu itu kami hanya merancang untuk membeli sweater sempena keberangkatan dia ke Australia minggu depan. selepas sarapan roti telur dan teh ais which will always be my favourite meal in the morning, aku bertanya pada dia. "so nak buat apa harini?" which he replied with the same question to me. i said, "jom pergi sungai." which was the random thing came out from myself whenever i feel like doing.

the thing about doing random things or going to random places with a person who doesnt care about being 'langgar je' is like you get to feel like a mission is accomplished. or like you crossed one wish in that damn bucketlist you have.

selepas beberapa jam walking and wandering around the mall yang super big sampai mata merah dan kering because of the air conditioners they had, we decided to go to bangi. and then patah balik kl seterusnya ke sungai sendat waterfall. since that the sun was about to set, we only had our lunch merangkap dinner and just to basahkan kaki and relax for awhile. he always had his cigarette on whenever it's cold. katanya, "it's the sense of kampung that makes you feel smoking is so right." aku cuma turutkan.

we had small talks about our school life. dan aku hanya mendengar lebih daripada bercerita. aku tak punya pengalaman yang banyak tentang sekolah berasrama. dan of course, asrama lelaki is hell different than asrama perempuan. they sounded brutal than what we girls had. it was fun, he brought the memories back. cant believe i'm saying this but high school is so much fun. i dont regret i didnt get straight a's or being among the best students. i had those memories and people to share to which is far better. terima kasih, Tuhan.

February 25, 2016

nota-nota, lagi.


1. saying yr age out loud or hearing people say it out loud is disgusting. especially when you are 24 and above. and unmarried.

2. aku tak menjanjikan pada diri aku akan sebuah rumah atau sebiji kereta atau sebidang tanah atau gaji yang lumayan sebagai persediaan untuk aku berkahwin. orang kata, kahwin membuka pintu rezeki. memang betul, aku sendiri telah melihatnya di depan mata kepala aku. tapi, sudah betul bersedia kah?

3. kasihan. kasihan pada mereka yang meletakkan faktor umur sebagai ukuran kepada membina sesebuah rumahtangga. naluri aku kata, "teguhkan iman, tajamkan amalan sebelum meletakkan perkahwinan ke dalam angan-angan."

4. hampir saja aku meletakkan perkahwinan sebagai impian sedangkan impian aku adalah untuk menjelajah dunia. tolong ingat baik-baik, diri.

5. aku harap orang-orang sekeliling tidak menjatuhkan keyakinan aku dengan impian-impian atau expectation yang mereka letak pada aku. get your own life will you?

6. pelik. by this time of the day, i should have already receive a wish from you. are you making me invisible or are you making yourself invisible?

7. kita diletakkan pada dua dunia berbeza. dan setelah 4 tahun, aku masih lagi berharap yang kau akan membacakan puisi-puisi untuk ku atau aku mendengarkan puisi-puisi kegemaranku untuk kau senyum walaupun ia bukan pada kerelaanmu.

happy birthday dear self!

1. untuk pertama kalinya dashboard aku sarat dengan tulisan dimana every fucking paragraph kau kena tekan on read more untuk bacaan lanjutan.

2. dan untuk pertama kalinya aku menulis precisely pada hari jadi aku.

3. 'i hate birthdays. especially mine.' aku kata padanya. i just hate birthdays and the idea of it.

4. i said sorry more than i uttered thank you. recap. just because you dont say thank you, doesnt mean you cannot show your appreciation.

5. to 13 hours and 30 minutes more before my 24th birthday ends and no one will ever talk about it anymore.

6. so, what's next?

February 23, 2016

stfu, will you?

first thing first, dont say things i already know just because you think you are clever than me because honestly, you're not.

February 22, 2016

here's to when the reality kicks in

here's what they told me, '2016 is a year of no one's gonna hire you.'

and so you're graduating this year? you are doomed. 

sabtu lalu, aku pergi ke karnival kerjaya dan tak sengaja pergi walk-in interview dengan salah satu company israel terkemuka dunia. aku tak prepare sepatah haram text mahupun jawapan kepada expected questions. some experience you cannot just look it up on youtube. 

and i was told that they(companies) will only hire fresh grads, giving the term 'in training' for the position they offer for a year. after that, you will (or so they told) be a permanent. ramai yang tak tahu, it sorts of a contract. and what this contract will do? probably they would kick you out after the contract ends. don't believe me? see for yourself. they are being playsafe for the time being. tak perlu bayar staff mahal mahal. fresh grads, budak baru nak lihat dunia luar dan terlebih semangat. lagi memudahkan kerja mereka.

you know, we are just dumb characters live in their system. in case the economy goes doom, you'll get kicked out. oh it's already right? well, be prepared. do you think they'll pay you the amount they say you'll get? think again. 

February 20, 2016

take a candy and repent, maybe?

i. apparently, lovebirds are annoying. lovebirds that write about each other are more annoying.

ii. five fucking rows. all hail sarah and her courage!

iii. people keep telling me i'm deep. do you ever talk to a japanese? till then you'd say i'm just a deep shitter wannabe.

iv. positivity come and go like gripping fast stream of water. the moment you scoop it to have a taste of its freshness, you only get the saltiness of your skin.

v. being me is like burning yourself with concentrated acids. you pour yourself a holy water mixed with seventy great mountains around the world which cures every disease, often. however, nothing cures you because you're just too stupid to not let the acid burn you repeatedly.

February 15, 2016

highways, and all thoughts of you.

so somehow, i had dinner at some popular food court near taman sri ramal, kajang last night. i forgot its name. they served the worse roti john i ever ate. boleh kau bayang? roti dan simply telur diapit ditengah-tengah roti full with ketchup and mayo. serupa makan benjo. but the satay there was quite nice. and i saw a lot of people. thus i judged a lot of them. it was fun.

February 10, 2016

attention seekers.

apparently, acting sweet with your husband on camera is the new hipster.

February 4, 2016

before midnight

i know a guy who's good with words. sometimes you feel like slapping his face is more relevant than actually believe what he throws out of his mouth. to label him as a sweet talker i'd say, you can put that in the list too. he's too honest. can someone be too honest really.

it's like he's pretending to be someone he's not. but to be honest, i know him more than he knows himself. he did say that. mungkin aku lebih banyak bersimpati dengan dia rather than actually think that he's my friend. i dont know. we are now not who we were back then. and this is pointless because suddenly i just dont wanna write.

February 2, 2016

several things.

i. the wedding was a success i can say. although it was a bit kelam kabut here and there. aku a bit stressed out that day but there was teya helped all along. at least she isnt like most of them.

ii. it's weird when suddenly the day i thought would never happen is here. kakak is a married woman and after this it'll be (probably) me. or ika, or teya.

iii. tak perlu sebenarnya nak beritahu cerita yang tak habis, yang tak tahu hujung pangkal dan kemudian buat rata rata mereka yang mendengar, salah sangka. i hate this kind of people, doesnt matter if you're a relative or not.

iv. be the parents who ask their child what's the matter rather than ask their other child about what had happened.

v. be the parents who give advices rather than scream in their child's face.

vi. be the kind of parents who help, not making jokes about their child's flaws.

vii. be a child who forgives. ways, be a child who forgives.

February 1, 2016

maybe i did hurt myself again.

if a daughter hurt her parents feelings, she will be surely rotten in hell. but what happens then when her parents hurt hers?

January 26, 2016

wedding prep; time flies so fast

when you have a brain that can do calculation quickly, you're lucky in any ways. aku selalu fikir bahawa to have that kind of ability is not something that semua orang perlu. tambahan lagi dizaman yang dimana rata rata orang mempunyai calculator. but then, who would want to take out their phone just to calculate a simple mathematics.

anyway, i never liked mathematics i dont have any idea why i'm majoring in engineering.

anywayy, marriage is one big thing. preparing for it is tiresome. however, melihatkan kakak dan ika sama sama do all these tiresome things without complaining, i couldnt disappoint them. in fact, i liked it this way.

what'll happen after this? i wouldnt wanna know.

January 17, 2016

.

i. seharian waktu aku dihabiskan dengan mendengar ceramah tentang bagaimana mudahnya manusia dimanipulasikam dengan wang.

ii. observation is a pure knowledge too, with a condition that you understand what your eyes are trying to tell.

iii. pardon me, you're not worth my time.

iv. aku akan selalu hairan dengan manusia serta kekayaannya.

v. you know religions? they make you spend 10k for your death. they created 3 millions gods for you to pray only to what your ancestors prayed to.

vi. we live poor in order to die rich.

January 11, 2016

LPS - last paper syndrome, probably.

dulu, aku selalu diperdengarkan cerita-cerita tentang student yang masih belajar sedangkan majoriti kawan-kawan dah bekerja. and how unsettled they felt about it. now, look at me. i'm feeling it now.

enam tahun stranded at the same place. ya think? ofcourse, some of my friends are saying that i should be grateful. that this is great because i dont really have problem blending in. that is certainly not true because the last thing i would do is to get to know new people.

2013, they were there. now, i dont know where they are or where they've been. and i dont give a shit about it. counting people coming in and out of your life is a waste of time. talking about it also is a waste because it happens everywhere in the world. it happens within you too. you left. you just dont remember when it happen.

January 8, 2016

we tend to write more when we have absolutely nothing to write.

i. kebanyakan masa aku dihabiskan dengan menulis tentang tulisan, which is really, the last thing i should do. mana entah diri aku yang lebih banyak masanya dihabiskan dengan membaca. berhibernasi mungkin.

ii. aku, seriously lost interest right now in searching for new books to read. lagi bila memikirkan buku-buku yang tak terbaca. and i mention or remind myself about this almost everyday yet, it's the same thing thorough.

iii. everything is like the same thing over again and it's a waste of time. basically, my time.

iv. i used to read posts about people worshiping Jesus. they wrote good stuff tho. i just happened to not read them anymore. people do change very quickly don't they?

v. aku, seriously, tak ready untuk semester depan. yeah shit. i am 24 and still on my degree. i said slowly, and yes i am, enjoying my last bit of being a student.

vi. or maybe all of this is just bullshit.

January 5, 2016

shame on you, self.

let's just put it this way. be yourself. be the usual you, who don't give a single fuck about others, or those people who you think are cool. because you are so ignorant and too self-obsessed. because they don't fucking care. don't try. that'll only make you look stupid. do your own thing because you fucking can. so my advice is, be fucking ignorant dear self. be fucking ignorant.

January 1, 2016

the year is 2016.

i'm gonna make a bold decision. i'm gonna make this blog public. i mean of course it is public but not everyone knows about it. it's not that i'm gonna tell everyone about it but i'm gonna paste it somewhere. will someone talk about it? yes. will he be mad? probably. but everything is in the past now right? and the reason you decided on this? idk. i just need people to know i'm exist. i'm exist.

just wait till i change my mind and decide to go hide myself away again.