December 29, 2016
December 17, 2016
i woke up to a dream of in loved with my colleague when i know for certain i can never in love with everybody else just because i crave attention so much. aku fikir, maybe this is what heartbroken people do. the absence is real. the lost, is real.
December 15, 2016
it all started when few TM members reported that they couldnt login to the system. you see, that's what it's like to be in a maintenance team working with networks running everyday non-stop for 365 days; you have to act fast. nak tak nak, you have to understand that delaying can also cause death. or what our bosses said, "we arent just maintaining systems, our actions can cost people's lives."
i remembered, you were saying as if this kind of 'engineering' job is somewhat 'too common'. and i was sitting there making my ok face sebab i realized this 'too common' job's gonna pay hell lot in 2 years time you just wait.
i know i said that having lots of money doesnt count as success. be real, people pay you alot when you have experiences so blame the society. it's okay though cause someday, imma start my own kickstarter and blow your mind to pieces you can no longer talk.
December 12, 2016
last two weeks, i had a - what you might called - short vacation to terengganu. the purpose was mainly to attend my friend's wedding. plus, i just had to stay outside of kuala lumpur for awhile.
meeting old course mates was somewhat brings back memories though i dont have much i could remember about them. it was fun anyway. tak percaya that we grow up so fast. i started thinking about buying a house already. when i brought this up to him - of saving for a house - he chuckled, disbelief of what he just heard out of me. i, somehow, aged so much.
when i was in primary, i thought, this day would never came. i'd never got old. i didnt even think i will pass marriage stage, not this far for sure. i dont know. i just felt like that. it happened still. it is happening. i got a job that doesnt require me to drive to work and it's amazing. life's amazing. at least for now.
November 25, 2016
ii. kadang aku juga merasakan bahawa when i write in malay, people will not take me seriously. or i may find that i'm not so serious to tell what's going on inside my head. don't get me wrong. i like writing in malay too it's just i stopped reading malay literature when i was 22 exactly when i started reading to Haruki Murakami's and Fixi's books were getting worst and i no longer interested in malay poetry because some that i liked are bloody hard to digest. i gave up(?) on malay, i guess. however, i'm still talking and learning to construct my words in my head from time to time so i can continuously speak in humble manner (in malay) to the eldest. god, i know i'm sweet.
iii. why would almost every girl (probably who think they loved makeup) gets crazy over 20% off at Sephora? i mean it's only 20% off and then they had to act like they're broke or they're going broke. ntah apa-apa. i once went there and i was losing my mind because why on earth would girls buy those makeups with insane prices especially when they already had too many in their makeup bag, especially when you still have makeup dupes with the same shade and therefore can save more money? these people are so pathetic they don't know how to manage their personal finance.
iv. now aku faham kenapa you won't feel a thing when you buy things using those money your parents gave you claiming you had saved them as a reward for yourself because spending money hasil titik peluh kau is very different. you start to appreciate it. and you stop being stupid and start to invest on it. you start to act on yourself and be responsible. these are the things those spoilt brat don't understand. these are the things they're missing out in their 20s. i feel sorry for them.
November 23, 2016
ii. i need to really smile a lot at people instead at surroundings other than people. because often i found myself smiling at trees of buildings or people's action when they're not looking.
iii. for once, i prefer the traditional way for travelling. it's so easy to get cheap ticket flights nowadays. and you have so many options.
iv. i am the kind of person who loves to annoy you more with the things you hate when you show how much you hate it. so, don't show. and don't ever ask me why.
v. aku perasan one thing for sure. that's, when you start to buy a book after another and you haven't start reading the latest book you just bought (or many others you haven't), it shows you that you just love the shopping not the reading. i know i'm right.
November 10, 2016
October 21, 2016
i've been on this blog like every day. you see, i have so many free times to kill but then i just stared at the dashboard, viewed my pageviews, or read people's posts only when theywere worth my seconds. i want to write tapi i failed to construct the words beautifully or you could say sedap enough to read.
i don't really like brainstorming, on everything. though it sort of helps my brain.
anyway, kakak had delivered a beautiful princess yesterday. how time flies, right? i felt like i just wrote about her marriage yesterday. so i thought i'd share few photos of her cute baby and i can't wait for our first meeting ever!
isnt she the prettiest?
October 17, 2016
October 14, 2016
honestly, i dont really spoil myself with material things to get the best look of me from the outside. for instance, pretty outfits. somehow, there's a person who really like to shower me with this kind of thing.
it's not that i hate it. who's crazy enough to not like free stuff? i just do not prefer it, more like it'll be the last thing i want on my list. if you really wanna buy me things, really, just procure me a book or a plant or a bicycle or a camera or any cute tools that i can improve myself inside out instead of wasting money on clothes.
it's not a big deal though. i just feel like everyone is making a mannequine out of themselves. showing off their pretty clothes, walking in them not knowing who they really wanna be in which they'd rather be anyone but them. it's heartbreaking. the famous instagrammers are winning. and i'm not happy.
i. scanning through list of houses or rooms to be rented, i realized i don't need this shit. well, maybe not this instant. i still have few more months to think it thorough. so, classy condo or executive apartment?
ii. i'm just not making sense. i just did a practice on how to use through and thorough correctly. and made myself clearer.
iii. not having a car is good. having a car is good too. especially when you only have to commit on its maintenance. either way, i really enjoy my time alone these days.
iv. i mean look at me, i'm all happy walking from home to work and repeat. i can see people. probably judge them if it's necessary. this is a small city with shitload of people. it's amazing.
v. i love what i'm doing now. my heart is growing. bigger than the past. probably bigger than yours. you cannot defeat me with your hates. because i am so full and content and healing and pretty things. and love. a lot of love.
October 12, 2016
after a long period of time, aku cuba untuk sentiasa, setiap hari, berfikir perkara yang baik-baik. boleh dikatakan, bermula terbit fajar sehingga terbit fajar esoknya. dan ia telah menjadi rutin. if anyone ever tried to ruin it, aku akan cuba sedaya aku untuk masih berfikir yang baik-baik. it's been a year now. it's good. it feels good. but i do have cheat days. macam work out. sometimes, you gotta have cheat days. this is more like a mental workouts. and today had become one of those cheat days. i want to rip my chest open and pull everything out. i mean, literally. i cant cry. a year before it was so easy. am i already become so comfortable with happiness? i can feel a crack from the inside, like a very heavy load but i cant throw it out no matter how hard i try. like myself wont let me. it hurts. it hurts so much that i dont have tears for it. this body of mine is changing itself to something i barely know of.
sometimes, i think about what we're having now, or my feelings. all at once. do old couples have the same feeling i felt? or at least once in their lifetime? i was thinking, is this really my decision?
aku macam nak cakap tapi taknak cakap.
this train sucks. lets just end it here.
October 5, 2016
human tak. human is the proportional of that. what to do? we're all made up of good values but we chose to be the opposite of it.
i think the highest possibility of loyalty one can achieve is 98%. mesti akan ada 1 or 2 lies and dishonest act kan? like, flirtationship in the absence of their girl or boy. and the weakest excuse had ever crossed my ears was "i didnt mean it." (???)
October 1, 2016
i. let me tell you one thing, the world is stuffed with engineers. you are not special. you are just a tool for a company. stop making like you are so important to society. it makes me wanna throw up, so bad.
ii. have i told you that i hate almost 80% of people i know in my real life? now you know.
iii. i could always block these people right? i could pretend like they dont exist, like i have some brain damage, like i just diagnosed with amnesia.
iv. it's hard to find people who keep inspiring others by not mentioning who they are. because they only think about others feeling, of what if they are in other's shoes. like, people like me.
v. in the end, i am the good example i talked about. yes. because i dont have to go to instagram or twitter just to brag about how good it feels to be the engineer, that i make everyone feels less powerful than i am.
vi. it's good to be the person who cares. it's good to be the person who didnt wear the heavy boots other's might having but clever enough to understand.
v. seriously though walk with your head down low but your brain up high so you dont get your brain stuck up your arsehole. it would be embarassing.
September 29, 2016
September 25, 2016
i wanna clarify on one thing about pregnancy. the other day, i tweeted about it.
i remembered when my other mother bragged about being pregnant when she had a bump that only 2 months old. my mom said, orang zaman sekarang tak ada rasa malu that when she was pregnant, she only told her family about it. i didnt get it at that time.
now it's different. almost everything you want the world to know about it. cakap pasal craving, morning sickness and worse, selfie with your bump. i just dont get it. if you want people's blessings, yeah i'm happy for you. we all get it, you're pregnant. i dont see the point of saying about it all day all night.
some might say i'm definitely jealous about it. excuse fucking me. you should have more common sense in you. grow up, seriously. and think hard. is it worth the tell? arent you ashamed of yourself?
September 21, 2016
it was the night that he got everything he craved for. i was blamed for that because i was mad about things i failed to figure. we were sitting there with our light meal talking about heavy topics like how our hearts felt about almost everything. he's the type of person who rarely talks about his views and opinions. and i was there, happened to listen to his rambles.
it was very comforting i shall say. not because of his stories, instead, of the fact that he tried to utter in every way possible to make me understand each word. it was just the talk. we could not stop. dan kesemua daya upaya yang kita guna to pull each of us to a safest place makes me feel like we're home. maybe this is the healing piece they talked about. it's not much but it's there.
there's so many things i wanna tell, i wanna talk about. but the words just didn't come in a way i expected it to be. maybe some other time, let it be some other time.
September 17, 2016
i used to be so addicted to coffee. it's a choice. i wanted myself to be addicted to it. it's the same as drugs, cigarrettes, alcohol and anything addictive. you have the choice to make it happen. also, to stop it from happen. and so i stop drinking coffee for a while.
i used to think coffee makes me think clearer and faster, that every time i had coffee, i'd write better. good writings lead to a better day. therefore, i'd summed up my day with: good coffee goes along with a good day.
however, it's truly not like that. when i'm writing this, i havent had coffee (yet). coffee gives you this feeling where you feel dependable on it. when you choose to be addicted to it, you know yourself that you want it to own you. therefore, it's not weird when some people would rather not be in relationship but definitely not going through a day without a cup of coffee.
if smoker has a term of social smoker, i own myself a term of social caffeinator, i guess. where you take caffein as a tool to socialize; to get along with people. also, i barely buy myself a coffee. starbucks? about 2-3 times i ever bought myself with. i dont fancy overpriced coffee. i just dont.
so, what's coffee to you then?
September 14, 2016
September 13, 2016
i. remember about the blog i once mentioned on how good it is? i've found it and went to twitter asking into the void of who she is. ya guess, no answer.
ii. i am, without a doubt, the best stalker you can find in the city.
iii. i wonder how it feels like to be a little off sober. like, when you just off a bar and it is one o'clock in the morning and suddenly you felt like wanna get yourself a little bit of ink planted under your skin just below your right collarbone.
iv. heard a story of a guy who went intoxicated when i, myself thought, he's supposed to be an angel. i was so wrong and he's such a cutie.
v. tell me how to surf without getting yourself anxious about what everyone's doing in this cozy yet stressful place.
September 7, 2016
selepas mendengarkan apa yang kak R told me, i said to myself that i don't wanna end up like those people who had to resign because their contract expired. and that they didn't get the offer to renew their contract or turn permanent.
to be really honest, i have already set a new goal. therefore, i need to be here to somehow achieve that goal. sebab finally i can say to myself that this is the career path that i want. untuk menjadi seorang sarah, it's not that easy to have a very high self esteem and confident.
whether it's good or bad it's gonna turn, just pray for good things for me.
September 4, 2016
September 3, 2016
i. you have to pay attention for their dramas.
ii. honestly, it's the most cliche thing you'd heard from a girl who claimed to have more guy friends than girls. seriously, my circle of girl friends dont have so much drama tapi they are mostly too girly, too kind (ok this one is good actually), too cautious, too brainy, too cheapskate.
iii. what else? oh, boyfriends. some would sacrifice a lot of their time to their boyfriend. i wont say 'invest' because they're not even their husband. nak jumpa, bapak susah. unless if it's lepak-time-aku-bawak-boyfriend-sekali-eh kind of meet up.
iv. kita cuba konon nak jadi the cool friend yang gives time to our friends for their lovey dovey shit until we've became the one who rarely gets the time to catch up with everybody else cause they are so busy with their guy. wake up gang, he's not even your husband (yet).
v. dan most of the time, i'm chilling with myself at home every weekend because i'm out of reach during weekdays sebab everyone is out with their boyfriend on weekends. bapak sedih ayat aku.
vi. seeing at the list you can say that i have issues, probably. and i enjoy my time alone, mostly. and i dont have much money for lepak currently. let's see how it goes for the next few weeks/months.
September 1, 2016
i was searching through the web about a post i once read where i have the screenshot of it tapi i cannot reach for it right now. tulisannya sangat bagus. sadly, that's exactly something i'd easily forget.
apa yang aku boleh katakan tentang tulisan tersebut, ia agak melankolik, depress dan serious; of the thing not everyone loves to read about. setiap ayat berkaitan antara satu sama lain dan seterusnya menghasilkan scene yang berkaitan dengan yang lainnya.
i think that's how you should write.
aku terfikirkan semua ini sewaktu aku berjalan pulang ke rumah dari train station sambil mendengar lagu-lagu yang dimainkan dari latest album kumpulan Daughter. it takes about 7 to 12 minutes of walking. i told this to one of my colleagues dan katanya jauh. i dont mind anyway walking a long way everyday. pernah juga terfikir untuk drive all the way to kelana jaya but thinking it'll cost me two times than taking public transport, i'd said nevermind lah.
dan dalam pada masa yang sama juga aku telah memikirkan how actually i should write; tentang bos aku, tentang pengalamannya, tentang thoughts dan nasihat yang diberikan, tentang meeting dan everything in that office. but thoughts are like dedaunan yang ditiup angin. it wont settle at the same place when the wind blows. so that's that. and that's how my day goes by.
August 26, 2016
i. the only question that you don't need to answer is stupid question. it's just plain stupid that its relation with rhetorical questions is almost alike.
ii. tiga hari thinking of what should i write about the long waited job i've been dreaming about. still, nothing.
iii. if i could compare all of the job in malaysia, i still think mine is one of the best. and it's a hell lot to pay for its toughness.
iv. lately i found myself ok and not ok to be a loner. seolah apabila aku masuk sempadan selangor, maka aku akan jadi independent. whilst in kl, i cant be left alone. apahal?
v. sebagai ringkasan, aku harap mereka semua boleh terima aku. or even after a year that i have to leave, they'd remember me. it is too much to ask but i'd ask anyway.
August 22, 2016
i. i have a thing in considering how i should type to certain someone. sebagai contoh: 1. jika untuk urusan yang lebih formal seperti menghantar email, pesanan atau surat-surat maka perlulah setiap ayat dimulakan dengan huruf besar. 2. jika pesanan ringkas untuk keluarga, kawan-kawan dan social media, lebih informal dengan semua ayat menggunakan huruf kecil dan lebih banyak shortforms.
ii. i dont do mix. it's just not me.
iii. tentang penggunaan tanda, formal stays its way while informal barely noktah there. unless it's necessary. aku merasakan bahawa there must be something to differentiate between them. seolah kena ada that kind of value.
iv. my kind of good book doesnt necessary to be a good ending. kalau cara penceritaannya sudah baik, maka ia sudah cukup untuk aku katakan bagus.
v. aku kena lebih banyak bersabar dan bertolak ansur. which is a subject that i always failed.
August 19, 2016
aku melangkah masuk ke dalam lif. and i smelled something that reminds me a place i'd been before.
bau asap rokok yang sebati bersama perfume dalam keadaan suhu lif seperti di offices yang kedap dengan udara pendingin hawa.
aku kenal benar dengan suasana ini. sudah hampir 3 tahun aku meninggalkan bumi Senawang. yet, bau-bauan itu masih segar dalam kotak memori. macam deja vu.
aku hanya berharap yang baik-baik untuk hari mendatang. semoga tuhan kurniakan.
August 17, 2016
i. i'm not that type of a person yang tengok movie dan hafal nama pelakon. because i think when an actor acts as a different human being, he's already not himself anymore. hence, his name is no longer deserve my attention.
ii. but, to judge an actor on how good he is in acting, requires you to remember his name. satu pembawakan watak yang bagus dapat menempah nama pelakon tersebut ke mata dunia. in other word, he deserves it.
iii. let's see.. i'm not thrilled to watch About Alex. also, i don't have any idea why'd i downloaded it in the first place.
iv. aku juga ada ketagihan memuat turun movie in bulk without watching it. the feeling of watching the bar filled up with a green coloured substance is inevitable.
v. the green coloured substance is just hexadecimal numbers yang digambarkan in pixelletes hence it creates the colour. i did applied what i've learnt in my daily life didnt i?
vi. kuala lumpur adalah tempat berehat-rehat bagi aku. amat kontra bukan? hate to exaggerate but i think i was born here.
August 16, 2016
August 15, 2016
August 13, 2016
i. limitting your audience is a step ahead to smalling your circle. hence, the protected tweets.
ii. maybe i was never good at making friends stay at all.
iii. hari yang berjalan terasa semakin pantas. definitely because i have things to settle everyday now. which by means, daily goals.
iv. kadang i feel amused seeing people trying to maintain their hipsterness for every picture they've taken. the pose, the filters they applied and everything in between. is that what really art meant?
v. anyhow, being a hipster requires a lot of money. which by means, your so called hipster is owning you. how much has it owned you? as much as you willing to spend for yrself that you claimed it's something that you like.
vi. i'm off that era. sebab i overspent it on foods. but still some are claiming me hipster. thank you for noticing it tho.
vii. one thing for sure, i finally understood what it meant to think good things about people. it's when you finally accept yrself and forgive.
August 9, 2016
i can feel my chest burning while listening to Fossa. how can a song affect your insides so much? earlier, aku dengar a song played by Daughter also. it made me wants to dance. i should have dance though god knows i'm bad at dancing.
have you ever really dance in front of people? i did once. zapin. seumur hidup aku, i never thought i'd dance in front of a human. but when i went to Japan last year, i had to do it. well, it's a hell of an experience. since you've always said that 'if you never try, you'll never know', that comes to a term of i need to do it.
nothing hurts though to try things we never have the guts to do. kadang aku terlalu untuk mencuba because there's a slight curiousity to hear your heart stops beating for once, for that moment. it's scary to think about it. that i have the desire to die.
August 7, 2016
i. hari ini adalah hari di mana i'm feeling so carefree. walaupun i know i cannot do anything today.
ii. bukan kerana kecelakaan atau simply aku tak sihat dan terbaring sahaja dirumah. it's a day out with family. and they are off going somewhere and i'm much more doing nothing in someone else's house. and i'm pretty much don't mind it at all.
iii. somehow, mendengar bunyi-bunyi kenderaan berpusu laju atas jalan raya makes me feel comfort. i guess i do miss kuala lumpur.
iv. pagi ini sahaja aku telah menangkap tiga ekor(?) pokemon. what's so hyped about what's trending now which honestly, i do not know.
v. i have become quite off my mind lately apabila aku imagined myself taking master course at some university in south korea. i reaally am out of mind.
vi. may everything goes smooth today. amen.
August 1, 2016
July 31, 2016
kau hanya akan rasa masa tu berjalan terlalu lambat bila kau sunyi. kadang aku harap aku akan terus sunyi. untuk apa bahagia jika hanya sementara? i guess it's only me. i guess it's always gonna be me.
July 28, 2016
i. aku sendiri penat membaca blog sendiri. why would anyone read this shit?
ii. orang kata job is job. you don't have to love your job. i think the word overtime only means that you're just failed to finish your job on time. hence, the overtime.
iii. i need to always remind myself, gaji bukanlah cara kau mempamerkan kejayaan.
iv. how do you retrieve accidentally deleted post?
July 27, 2016
semasa aku khusyuk meniti perkataan-perkataan Andrea Hirata tentang kecerdasan dan kebodohan, i came across two figures i read in Steve Jobs or seen in that movie. Steve Wozniak dan Steve Jobs.
Wozniak is Jobs best friend or who you could put it as a person who knows Jobs better than anyone else. dalam dunia ni, ada bermacam jenis kepandaian dan kebodohan. Wozniak is an engineer at Hewlett-Packard. while Jobs, was the owner or founder of Apple. they both made the computer. dua jenis manusia. Woz is a hobbyist. Jobs was a realist. they shared the same interest, electronics.
jadi, ada orang yang cerdas tapi terlalu kecut pada risiko, terlalu merasakan dirinya kerdil, dia settle pada tempat yang dia rasa selesa. ada juga orang yang cerdas tetapi dia sangat opportunis dan bersedia menerima apa jua risiko.
jadi cerdas anda yang mana? cerdas yang bodoh atau cerdas yang bijak?
July 25, 2016
'apa kau rasa kalau kau ni cukup beriman, jaga solat, jaga amal tapi kau end up dengan orang yang buat semua benda ala kadar dan anggap remeh tentang apa yang kau percaya?'
'sedangkan tuhan sendiri kata perempuan-perempuan yang baik untuk lelaki-lelaki yang baik..'
'tak tahu. mungkin aku hanya perlu anggap yang aku tak cukup bagus untuk dia. mungkin dalam perkara lain, dia lebih bagus dari aku. tuhan tak kata baik bermaksud hanya dalam satu perkara, right?'
'that makes sense... makes sense enough that you're actually making this up during your maghrib prayer.'
July 24, 2016
i. i thought maybe, god were telling me to fix myself first. i thought maybe i'm strong enough for myself.
ii. people around me, they were rooting on good guys coming home and pick up them like picking up princesses for a ball. while i am sitting here feeling like a beast no one would care for.
iii. jika hari ini adalah hari di mana semua orang dihisab, maka esok pasti aku ditempatkan di neraka.
iv. if i knew asking for forgiveness could be this hard, i could've avaoid as many sins i'd encounter. forgive me, self.
July 23, 2016
July 22, 2016
anyway, that spirit of fired up to find a job is degrading right now. that's some progress isn't it? somehow, i keep telling myself i have to find money so i get to pay the bills. bukan lah banyak pun tapi ada sesuatu yang dalam diri kau kata, enough of depending on your parents for the bills they don't make even if it's not much. Abah doesn't really care if i don't have a job. bak kata Mak, he'd rather have his daughters at home than go to work. pernah sekali Abah cakap yang perempuan bekerjaya gedik. that's why Mak tak pernah bekerja lepas kahwin, kecuali kerja di rumah. i reckon.
that's why she started her nasi lemak and kuih-muih business at home. duduk rumah saje-saje is boring as hell i tell ya. the most eligible thing i can think of is khidmat for Abah and Mak. niat baik, fikir positif. at least you don't duduk saje-saje di rumah, i thought.
next week is Izzy's wedding. i don't have transport and it's freaking above 100kms away. plus, malas nak hadap kawan-kawan yang dah bekerjaya. probably everyone's going to ask you, Sarah kerja mana shits. well, the journey has not yet ended. one day, imma show you what rezeki really looks like and what patience really means.
July 19, 2016
i. i think i'm getting older. it's showing.
ii. aku perasan, every time aku go somewhere during the day, sampai rumah, aku terus akan mencari katil to sleep, instantly. i can just shut my eyes and sleep.
iii. anyway, started my day by went to the clinic and then to kelana jaya business park after that to tesco mutiara damansara. thank god the weather was just nice, tak panas.
iv. living with a newly married couple, is so. fucking. awkward. because you're not married yet. and you cant stand lovey dovey stuff evenso it's not that obvious. o' lord, grant me good thoughts and good thinking. amen.
v. today's interview is a little bit better. a little bit. congrats, self.
July 16, 2016
i told myself, if you wanna write, write seriously. and so i deleted my twitter just to find out someone else is logging in back again.
aku penat dengan drama manusia. yes, they're morons and it's funny to watch. but watching them everyday? i'd rather not. dan di facebook, keadaannya masih sama. semua orang (termasuk aku), cuba untuk control all of the situations. masing-masing cuba sehabis kudrat melontar hujah seolah dia sahaja yang betul. no one wants to read. no one ever wants to care.
mungkin aku hanya belong here dekat blogger?
oh fuck. i have interview to attend tomorrow.
July 14, 2016
i. when you feel like you have to keep yrself updated with people's lives, remember that you don't have twitter anymore.
ii. friends come and go. and i have a very strong instinct that you are that kind of friend who'll leave.
iii. kalaupun kau dapat offer kerja gaji tinggi and you rejected it because of the reason kos sara hidup tinggi di area tempat kerja kau, you don't have to tell me exactly when you knew i was offered quite a satisfied salary. what kind of human are you? thinking highly of yrself and sending negative vibes to me?
iv. on the positive side of it, i love my family. sekurang-kurangnya they keep on supporting whatever decision i made.
v. i definitely need more girl friends. searching won't be so hard kan? hopefully.
vi. aku ego dan keras kepala? heard it couple of times. not a new thing to me.
July 10, 2016
few months before, we had a kitten and named it Ringgo. it's a weird name Amin gave. what happened was, Ringgo died. kena cacing. i read up on the internet that it's normal for kittens to get infected. either by their mom's milk atau because of the lices or because they are actively outside.
anyhow, Ringgo was so cute. anak kucing sihat mana yang tak comel ya tell me. apa yang buat aku sangat marah adalah how everyone reacted at that time. semua orang gave up on him. mak brought him to the vet, one time. one time people. he didn't survive. it was so sad that Ringgo cried faintly every time someone approached him. sedih.
on the first of syawal, that afternoon, he died. poor Ringgo. i feel bad because i couldnt do anything. i feel bad because everyone gave up on him. cats go to heavens too right?
July 9, 2016
i. you try to be what people would say, mature. i'd say, good luck with that.
ii. tak plan untuk menulis in points but ended up sure i have so many things to talk about.
iii. hidup tak bekerja adalah sangat bosan. there. i said it.
iv. i'm still in doubt imagining myself going to work. apa yang aku sangat suka buat sebenarnya?
v. sedang menahan nafsu untuk tidak menyakitkan hati sendiri dengan mengambil tahu perihal hidup orang lain. sabar, sabar.
vi. sebenarnya, our point of view can be different from each other. kau kena accept my view even if you don't like it. and i'm accepting yours even not a single word i'd liked about it. that doesn't mean i have to agree to whatever you say. dah besarkan? jangan lah fikir pakai kepala lutut, hawau.
July 7, 2016
seperti raya-raya lepas, susun aturnya lebih kurang sama. yang lain cuma mak dan abah yang semakin dimamah usia. sepupu dan saudara mara yang bertambah umurnya, dan masing-masing yang semakin lama semakin jauh. seolah ada barrier antara kami padahal masa kecil dulu macam isi dengan kuku. on top of that, we grow closer to the people we were not so close before. see, people come and go.
diumur 24 tahun, aku masih lagi menerima duit raya. aint that amazing?
last year's raya, we talked about our other mother having her children wore the same baju raya like the year before, dalam timeframe yang agak lama. it happened every year. this year, kami pula yang recycle baju. bukan baju raya but baju yang baru sekali pakai tahun ni. see, karma's a bitch.
other than that, aku tak rindu pada momen-momen sewaktu degree. sungguh. sama ada ia adalah bad moments or hanya persahabatan yang dibina atas certain tujuan. tak apa. berikan peluang pada diri untuk hadam semua benda ni. walaupun aku selalu cuba positif by saying that these guys are the persons who're gonna give syafaat to you soon in akhirah. said, i'm sure there's positive side of it.
haih.. bercakap dengan diri sendiri is not healthy at all.
July 5, 2016
sempena raya or end of this ramadhan, i wanna list out several things i regret doing:
i. knowing a character so well i ended up dealing with it every day for the whole year.
ii. i did not ignore things i should have.
iii. i cared too much of my own feelings, compared too much, jealous over things that were not mine.
iv. i was too stupid to actually care.
v. i did not see beyond the hardships and struggles.
vi. questioned about fate. questioned about rezeki. questioned about hardworks. compared, compared and compared.
somehow, i feel grateful. because of all the things listed, i managed to create a better me. sekurang-kurangnya i can see what i'm lacking and learn. i see myself at the worst, at the bottom. "connecting the dots," aite?
July 4, 2016
how do you totally forget the one who taught you how to love? how?
you can't. the thought of him floats and always there. it just shows up out of nowhere. it's lucky to be you, i thought. because somehow, somewhere, you're living in someone's memory, for a very, very long time.
July 1, 2016
ii. it looks like i can almost control all of my desires to tell some people how much blessings i got lately. which means, i don't need that kind of attention from people. and this calls for celebration, definitely.
iii. untuk semua para lelaki di luar sana yang berfikir (termasuk dear self) bahawa perempuan tidak boleh (atau limited in terms of energy/commitment) belerja dalam bidang maintenance, if i got the chance (which i really hope) i'm gonna show the world i can.
iv. if you dont get it, suck it.
v. if you still dont get it, SUCK IT.
vi. o' life. it's so good.
June 24, 2016
taktahu nak rasa apa. cukuplah tuhan tahu how much i've been through. aku masih lagi tak memuat naik gambar thesis di mana-mana sosial media. it feels like i did not do it good enough. macam, andai aku tulis caption yang berjela-jela penuh syahdu, it does not fill up what i actually feel about my work. hence, what done is done.
kadang aku rasa, i need to remind myself that it's okay to celebrate. it's done. afterall, it's your effort. fyp dah habis. cukuplah mourn about it. cukuplah trying to prove everyone that you can do it when actually you're just trying hard to prove yourself.
you cannot do it. dah tertulis. let's just pray that you'll pass it, Sarah. have faith.
and be happy. come on, degree life's over. be happy.
June 21, 2016
June 6, 2016
Then, the water is done boiling. I need to make my teh tarik.
aku masih lagi tak dapat nak siapkan fyp.
'kau dah banyak usaha. takkan lah Allah tak tolong kau.' terus bermain dalam kepala. aku harap aku akan terus bersabar. tak pasti berapa liter air mata dah tumpah. kadang kata-kata sv sikit pun tak beri semangat pada aku when i know really his intention is really different.
anyway, i just hope i won't flunk a subject this year. nak grad on time although i dont have a job yet.
sabar. it's ramadhan.
May 29, 2016
anyway, aku tak rasa kebanyakan orang yang aku rasa layak untuk tahu tentang kewujudan blog ini sebenarnya betul ingat akan kehadiran blog ini. get it?
mungkin kategori layak yang aku maksudkan ni sedikit sebanyak telah aku labelkan mereka ini sebagai, 'people who do not really care' or 'people whose appreciation is not really fall into the word itself.' get it?
sebab aku berkata macam tu sama ertinya dengan sebab kenapa aku memberi such privilege kepada mereka. it's not the same as giving this privilege to my bestfriends. life's not AADC. i'm overprotective over things i love doing. aku tak mahu hobi aku dipertikai over some words like hipster, deep whatsoever. because damn it, i really love what i'm doing and i dont have the right to shut everyone up and the only thing i can think is to shut myself in.
May 12, 2016
ii. i'm extremely exhausted. for seeking love so far away. why did i even decide to fall in love in the first place? falling in love is a choice if you havent ever think about this before. it is.
iii. i cant wait for graduation day and get the hell out of here.
iv. not getting a job sucks. getting a job sucks too. at least, you get money for sucking in.
v. oh the hell with everything.
April 29, 2016
ii. so just by looking at his face comparing to his body, i can say that he's just a fuckboy. you won't settle if he doesnt have good looks and good body and great attitude, kan?
iii. fuckboy is a very feminist word dont you think? kenapa tiada fuckgirl when ada douche and ada bitch? because girls who think highly of themselves, rasa diorang priceless when they are just cheap. sebab tu kena tinggal. thus label those men as fuckboys. pathetic, i know.
iv. why did you do that? why do you have to upload it all in one go?
April 25, 2016
ii. first thing to do when you have a twitter account: do not fucking tell everyone about your project progress. every. fucking. day. believe me, no one cares to know.
iii. you know i saw a post that goes like this: "to all my friends that think i've cut them off; we're adults and busy. no reason to be in contact bla bla bla whatsoever?" let me tell you this. yes i really cut you off my life. problem?
iv. i have a lot of cute sweaters i don't wear, in case no one wants to know.
v. twitter in fact, not a safest place for me anymore. because i still care what people going to talk behind my back.
April 15, 2016
April 13, 2016
ii. aku sangat perlu belajar bagaimana untuk membalas budi baik orang walaupun budi baik aku ditolak. kadang-kadang aku pelik, are people really nice or are they just try so hard to show off that they are nice?
iii. fuck. everyone.
iv. oh and one more thing, if you hate me that much, you dont have to show the world about your feeling because it's just prove how stupid can you be because of the past mistake your boyfriend did. shame on you, bitch.
April 11, 2016
Sebenarnya aku tak ada tujuan menulis cumanya mungkin rasa tak senang duduk dengan blog yang ditinggalkan lama tak bertulis. entahlah. macam lah ada orang yang menanti tulisan tentang hari-hari banal aku.
anyway, aku dalam fasa membaca tiga buku sekaligus which is not a good routine at all to start reading again. but somehow, i found solace reading to Steve Jobs autobiography. which is very rare. benar lah macam mendiang steve jobs cakap to the writer of his book, "you got this energy to get people to listen to what you're gonna say."
buku kedua adalah hold off-on And The Mountains Echoed written by Khaled Hosseini. the first few 30's pages adalah sangat membosankan. unfortunately, i'm still on that pages.
buku ketiga pula ditulis oleh Hamka Kereta Mayat entitled Syurga something-something. ada awkward scene tentang buku ini yang terjadi pada aku so let's just close off on this one.
dan yang terakhir, which i forgot to mention is an ebook. aku baca ini di Wattpad. Uqasha tajuknya. macam yang Azhar of Terfaktab says sewaktu kami bersarapan di pekan kecil Kundasang, "ada tulisan yang sekadar cerita(kosong), tiada klimaks, atau sebagainya," which i found it just a story. ordinary, quitely with no extra input at all. sekadar bacaan ringan. which makes me want to finish it despite busy schedule. no, because of this busy schedule, i have time to finish it for such lightweight story. yup.
April 3, 2016
ii. i just realized that i cant stand people who talk a lot loudly. i'm getting a headache.
iii. nota ini telah ditinggalkan di dalam draft beberapa hari ini dengan niat untuk kembali padanya dan sambung menulis. unfortunately, it does not work that way. those ideas, they did not come in a way that we expect it to be.
iv. selesai minggu aku dihabiskan di Flora Damansara. somehow, Kuala Lumpur tetap dengan bahang degilnya. "welcome back. we missed you," they would utter.
v. i have to admit, long distance sucks. you don't have time for me, sucks. i dont have time for you, which also sucks. we are too busy living our lives, sucks.
March 27, 2016
March 26, 2016
ii. it's not like it's gonna happen now but the thought of it scares the shit outta me.
iii. i have so many things going around but right now, i'd appreciate myself if i could just shut the fuck up.
iv. you don't have to be so nice because a success person i knew was not a nice person at all but rather an asshole. he left a company that marked the world history.
v. frustrated over the unseen scholarship money, she mourned about it everyday non stop. later on when it is in her account, she treated her boyfriend and spent all the money to herself. so i guess this is the typical jpa's holders. arent they lucky bitches? quite a good decision that the government stopped giving out the money especially if it meant to be in the hands of these ungrateful people.
vi. i am eager to cut my hair short. very.
March 17, 2016
ii. once you slow down, you know the next day you have to boost up no matter what.
iii. i need to always remind myself that i'm gonna end this semester as fruitful as i can.
March 15, 2016
March 12, 2016
ii. i read through YA's and today, at the age of twenty-four, i have been told to write a response paper. i don't even.
iii. let's talk about something else aside than school life... well. fuck it.
iv. things are moving very slow. and kl is fucking steaming i hate it here very much.
v. you know, forget it. 15 minutes of exactly thinking everything to write but end up with particularly not so much. i hate to be in this room.
March 6, 2016
dan jalan yang telah ditetapkan mungkin tak selurus jalan mereka. dan mungkin lebih baik daripada apa yang ada. he once said, "belum sampai setahun menganggur, tak perlu menggelupur." i know he was quite mad.
i hate being in this circle. mungkin abah juga pernah merasai benda yang sama, of having shining and successful friends when you are just stuck here searching for a place to settle in. but he's different. he's smarter. he figured everything at the age of 30.
ada tiga benda yang aku janji pada diri: 1) jangan settle until you find a sweet environment that you find comfortable enough for you to face it every day. 2) you know you dont travel as much as everyone but when you do, you'd travel far. 3) you don't have anything expensive like everyone would have and show off to but you're chasing your dream, better than anyone would have.
March 3, 2016
March 1, 2016
ii. sebenarnya, sangat tidak masuk akal untuk seorang isteri menyokong penuh keinginan si suami untuk menukar jantina. it's not normal. and it hurts, so much.
iii. kuala lumpur is burning. kuala lumpur is burning, hard.
iv. aku adalah manusia yang tidak biasa berseorangan. eventhough sometimes i enjoyed it very much, being alone. tapi bukan dalam keadaan maha panas, terperuk di dalam bilik maha kecil ini.
v. i'm in desperate need of escapism.
February 28, 2016
the thing about doing random things or going to random places with a person who doesnt care about being 'langgar je' is like you get to feel like a mission is accomplished. or like you crossed one wish in that damn bucketlist you have.
selepas beberapa jam walking and wandering around the mall yang super big sampai mata merah dan kering because of the air conditioners they had, we decided to go to bangi. and then patah balik kl seterusnya ke sungai sendat waterfall. since that the sun was about to set, we only had our lunch merangkap dinner and just to basahkan kaki and relax for awhile. he always had his cigarette on whenever it's cold. katanya, "it's the sense of kampung that makes you feel smoking is so right." aku cuma turutkan.
we had small talks about our school life. dan aku hanya mendengar lebih daripada bercerita. aku tak punya pengalaman yang banyak tentang sekolah berasrama. dan of course, asrama lelaki is hell different than asrama perempuan. they sounded brutal than what we girls had. it was fun, he brought the memories back. cant believe i'm saying this but high school is so much fun. i dont regret i didnt get straight a's or being among the best students. i had those memories and people to share to which is far better. terima kasih, Tuhan.
February 25, 2016
1. saying yr age out loud or hearing people say it out loud is disgusting. especially when you are 24 and above. and unmarried.
2. aku tak menjanjikan pada diri aku akan sebuah rumah atau sebiji kereta atau sebidang tanah atau gaji yang lumayan sebagai persediaan untuk aku berkahwin. orang kata, kahwin membuka pintu rezeki. memang betul, aku sendiri telah melihatnya di depan mata kepala aku. tapi, sudah betul bersedia kah?
3. kasihan. kasihan pada mereka yang meletakkan faktor umur sebagai ukuran kepada membina sesebuah rumahtangga. naluri aku kata, "teguhkan iman, tajamkan amalan sebelum meletakkan perkahwinan ke dalam angan-angan."
4. hampir saja aku meletakkan perkahwinan sebagai impian sedangkan impian aku adalah untuk menjelajah dunia. tolong ingat baik-baik, diri.
5. aku harap orang-orang sekeliling tidak menjatuhkan keyakinan aku dengan impian-impian atau expectation yang mereka letak pada aku. get your own life will you?
6. pelik. by this time of the day, i should have already receive a wish from you. are you making me invisible or are you making yourself invisible?
7. kita diletakkan pada dua dunia berbeza. dan setelah 4 tahun, aku masih lagi berharap yang kau akan membacakan puisi-puisi untuk ku atau aku mendengarkan puisi-puisi kegemaranku untuk kau senyum walaupun ia bukan pada kerelaanmu.
2. dan untuk pertama kalinya aku menulis precisely pada hari jadi aku.
3. 'i hate birthdays. especially mine.' aku kata padanya. i just hate birthdays and the idea of it.
4. i said sorry more than i uttered thank you. recap. just because you dont say thank you, doesnt mean you cannot show your appreciation.
5. to 13 hours and 30 minutes more before my 24th birthday ends and no one will ever talk about it anymore.
6. so, what's next?
February 23, 2016
February 22, 2016
February 20, 2016
ii. five fucking rows. all hail sarah and her courage!
iii. people keep telling me i'm deep. do you ever talk to a japanese? till then you'd say i'm just a deep shitter wannabe.
iv. positivity come and go like gripping fast stream of water. the moment you scoop it to have a taste of its freshness, you only get the saltiness of your skin.
v. being me is like burning yourself with concentrated acids. you pour yourself a holy water mixed with seventy great mountains around the world which cures every disease, often. however, nothing cures you because you're just too stupid to not let the acid burn you repeatedly.
February 15, 2016
February 10, 2016
February 4, 2016
it's like he's pretending to be someone he's not. but to be honest, i know him more than he knows himself. he did say that. mungkin aku lebih banyak bersimpati dengan dia rather than actually think that he's my friend. i dont know. we are now not who we were back then. and this is pointless because suddenly i just dont wanna write.
February 2, 2016
ii. it's weird when suddenly the day i thought would never happen is here. kakak is a married woman and after this it'll be (probably) me. or ika, or teya.
iii. tak perlu sebenarnya nak beritahu cerita yang tak habis, yang tak tahu hujung pangkal dan kemudian buat rata rata mereka yang mendengar, salah sangka. i hate this kind of people, doesnt matter if you're a relative or not.
iv. be the parents who ask their child what's the matter rather than ask their other child about what had happened.
v. be the parents who give advices rather than scream in their child's face.
vi. be the kind of parents who help, not making jokes about their child's flaws.
vii. be a child who forgives. ways, be a child who forgives.
February 1, 2016
January 26, 2016
anyway, i never liked mathematics i dont have any idea why i'm majoring in engineering.
anywayy, marriage is one big thing. preparing for it is tiresome. however, melihatkan kakak dan ika sama sama do all these tiresome things without complaining, i couldnt disappoint them. in fact, i liked it this way.
what'll happen after this? i wouldnt wanna know.
January 17, 2016
ii. observation is a pure knowledge too, with a condition that you understand what your eyes are trying to tell.
iii. pardon me, you're not worth my time.
iv. aku akan selalu hairan dengan manusia serta kekayaannya.
v. you know religions? they make you spend 10k for your death. they created 3 millions gods for you to pray only to what your ancestors prayed to.
vi. we live poor in order to die rich.
January 11, 2016
enam tahun stranded at the same place. ya think? ofcourse, some of my friends are saying that i should be grateful. that this is great because i dont really have problem blending in. that is certainly not true because the last thing i would do is to get to know new people.
2013, they were there. now, i dont know where they are or where they've been. and i dont give a shit about it. counting people coming in and out of your life is a waste of time. talking about it also is a waste because it happens everywhere in the world. it happens within you too. you left. you just dont remember when it happen.
January 8, 2016
ii. aku, seriously lost interest right now in searching for new books to read. lagi bila memikirkan buku-buku yang tak terbaca. and i mention or remind myself about this almost everyday yet, it's the same thing thorough.
iii. everything is like the same thing over again and it's a waste of time. basically, my time.
iv. i used to read posts about people worshiping Jesus. they wrote good stuff tho. i just happened to not read them anymore. people do change very quickly don't they?
v. aku, seriously, tak ready untuk semester depan. yeah shit. i am 24 and still on my degree. i said slowly, and yes i am, enjoying my last bit of being a student.
vi. or maybe all of this is just bullshit.
January 5, 2016
January 1, 2016
just wait till i change my mind and decide to go hide myself away again.