October 1, 2017

minggu: proses mengenal diri.

i. i listen to jazz a lot more lately. it keeps me calm. and it kinda reminds me of Japan.

ii. manusia yang tenang adalah manusia yang dapat mengawal kesihatan mental dan fizikal seterusnya mengawal keadaan di sekililingnya.

iii. i always know that i liked confused thriller than drama/romantic comedy.

iv. sometimes, it does feel like own a transport is easier. somehow, what i'm having now teaches me to be patient and grateful. i keep reminding myself about this.

v. god i love how soft my hair is now. thank you dear self.

September 29, 2017

what the hell?

Tiada kata manis yang terungkap untuk kau ku bagi keupayaan buat terbang menerobos ruang angkasa.
-- 11/05/2012.

September 22, 2017

quick update on life

actually, nothing much.

i rarely read books nowadays, even questioned how some people can manage reading continuously. correction, i dont even read anymore. i'm in readers block phase.

10km for a beginner runner wasnt easy yet i achieved that. big applause to dear self. dan selepas itu wujudlah series of scam trainings serta alasan alasan untuk tidak turun berlari. i dont wanna fool myself thinking i wanna do it but i actually dont. tunggu lah bila ada mood.

sesi lepak masih berjalan seperti biasa. kawan kawan yang belum berkahwin, bercadang untuk berkahwin, tiada plan berkahwin, duduk rapat satu meja berdiskusi tentang rumahtangga orang lain. favourite. you cannot miss this kinda thing.

i dont know the word 'makan berhidang' until one of my friends pointed it out. ya kami makan berhidang. makan pagi pukul 9 dan berakhir pada jam 11. we talk about anything, everything. i think that's what family's about. you share, or you just listen. waktu makan adalah waktu yang paling aku tunggu. tak perlu rokok cuma air panas dan momen momen.

aku masih berfikir fikir untuk memiliki sebiji mirrorless. dan duit untuk travel.. mungkin nanti.

August 20, 2017

not new vocabs.

skins, lips, cloudy stares, hairs, hands, fingers, thumping hearts, heavy breathing, tongues, ears, neck, sweat, wet, blood, scars, wails, cigs, sins, and suicide.

August 10, 2017

happy 1 year anniversary, dear self.

hello. long time no write.

it's not actually that long it's just, i used to write 3-4 post a month. dan ini bukan posting sedih.

taknak sound cliche but... life has been very good to me this past months. i am blessed. i am blessed for every little thing that you'd probably be annoyed by now. that sometimes, aku rasa that i dont deserve this much blessings. macam, i am happy but some people are having it worse i feel guilty for having such feelings. i am allowed to but life is a running wheel.

once, a good friend of mine said, "kau bagilah camera apa pun kat sarah, the pictures will turn out good." also, i wrote "i am a fast learner" in my resume. i just wanted to point that out. anyway, i actually prayed hard for a job that specifically has a non-stressful and good environment kinda job, like real hard. my degree doesn't deserve this? well, suck my ass. also, thanks for all the advises and supports i get from lovely people you guys are the real mvp i am so grateful.

meanwhile, here's my 2017 achievements so far because... (i am allowed to.)

ps// 5th: gained weight also lost 0.7kg later on. 7th: not yet achieved but insyaAllah.
pps// funny as we turned older, we no longer talk much about who gets better marks but who gets better pay/opportunity/career. i always find it exhausting to talk about people.

July 13, 2017


halfway July i realized i need to set new goals. or really just take goals seriously.

come to think of it, does success mean running a business and have shitload of money? el-o-el. i dont know anymore.

patutlah orang cakap, you are what your circles are. bukan orang biasa biasa cakap, imam syafie also said so, sahabat nabi, successful people you name it. also in this case, people you follow on social media. your 'friends' on social media. it's weird tho sebab people are so different there.

being where i am now, looking back, i dont know what i really want anymore. seeing people showing off how successful they are, i dont know IF i am getting somewhere. of course, aku belajar something. but, is this it? i'm not lost but also i am not there. not yet. perhaps, jauh lagi.

aku yang tak sabar ke? atau people are moving too fast? or is it only happen to certain people?

of questions yang tak ada jawapan.

July 5, 2017

raya post?

semenjak dua menjak ni, aku cepat terasa. entahlah. mungkin kadang-kadang aku terlalu kasar, banyak sakat, banyak membahan orang dan sebagainya, tanpa fikir the consequences. i might have hurt people more than what i thought i've had, thinking i was funny.

i tried to play it cool. i'm still playing it cool.

communication is really not my thing. i also hate comfortableness. it opens the gate for people to really just throw everything not realizing whether they really mean it or not. one thing to consider is to make people laugh by not making fun of them. people will pay you twice deeper.

to whoever i've hurt, i'm sorry to say this. you probably deserved it. and so do i.

also, selamat hari raya.

June 14, 2017


i. masih relevant kah untuk miserable at the age of 25? especially when you have steady job, a place to stay, sufficient amount of money, friends and family? guess i need to be thankful often.

ii. i thought i got it all good. macam, why do i have to be a girl? with emotions.. oh god.

iii. pernah sekali, atau beberapa attempts untuk aku jadi someone other than myself. guess what? i regret it a lot.

iv. i just dont really share things with people on socmed. i do sometimes but i'd feel the need to delete it later.

v. and why am i still up at 1 am i do not know.

May 30, 2017

rndm thghts.

i. i found myself reading to the same blog entry almost as ritual. it's fascinating to the extent of how much it affects my writings these days.

ii. not that i'd write often but that's just how things are.

iii. anyway, i found murakami isnt as cool as the murakami i used to read.

iv. also, i found stephen chbowsky doppleganger. i hope he is. or better. lets just pray for that.

v. i fold bed covers and use it as a pillow. it's so comfortable i'd suggest everyone to try it.

vi. it's ramadhan 4th. i'm doing better, hoping for everyone too.

vii. a year and a half after kakak's marriage, there will be ika's. and abah is asking me when is my turn more often now.

viii. i dont feel like i'm gonna get through marriage, not until i turn 30. it's scary to have that thought. that i'm not gonna get married soon, not in a year or two but more.

April 17, 2017

good things are coming

good news come like after rain. orang-orang yang aku look up to so much in my life, sikit-sikit, taking a leap to a more mature self. improving. it's good. it's good.

anyway, i have a lot to write in which aku tak tahu macam mana untuk cut them into phrases atau flow yang sedap dibaca.

kalau aku boleh tunjukkan macam mana flow hidup aku dalam bentuk graph sekarang ni, i would be more than grateful. however, i dont know where should i start. coming here, settle down. cari rumah, kenal dengan orang baru, managing own financial, surviving, adapting. tak sangka i passed through all of it. syukur. terima kasih kepada yang turut sama ada dalam proses ini. serius. nak mula, bukan senang.

aku masih lagi macam ni. belajar untuk mengenal orang in a polite way. belajar untuk tak judge. belajar untuk sebolehnya faham dengan situasi orang. bersyukur sebab tuhan letak aku jauh daripada orang-orang dan perkara-perkara negatif. bersyukur dengan apa ada. walaupun tak mewah tapi aku rasa cukup. kesan daripada semua ni, aku memilih untuk look forward in life. untuk tak takut untuk teruskan hidup. dengan izin tuhan, semoga Dia mudahkan. 

April 7, 2017

kalau bukan di sini, di mana?

it's been like almost 9 years aku bermastautin(?) di bumi Kuala Lumpur. who would've thought, i'm gonna end up here. well, at least for now isnt it? once, aku cakap kat one of my friends, "i wouldnt wanna work or settle in here, in KL. especially not here." dengan nada bongkak habis. look now, i'm licking my own shit figuratively.

i'm standing in a rapid moving train.

why not here?

entah. boleh kata, macam macam was on my mind. traffic jams. biggest worry. tolls. communication skills and confidence, which i lack. also, i wanted a long distance relationship. i wanted it to look more like i dont need someone more important than my family. but, i couldnt. habis belajar, terus cari kerja di sini. thinking there wont be any problem since kakak is here in KL. and i was wrong. she moved somewhere outside KL. that is still ok though. maybe, i have always liked it here.

what i liked about here?

the people. the faces. the cafes. the every building is a walking distance reach. the public transport. the bookshops. the sounds. the air. the foods. the homelesses. the parks. the overprice foods.

kalau aku bukan di sini, aku di mana?

ini bukan comfort zone. aku tahu, i'm growing. each and every month, i'm building up my self-worth, my net worth. loving, every inch of me each and everyday. kalau bukan di sini, mungkin bukan aku yang kau sepatutnya jumpa sekarang ini. dan, it's gonna be a very sad me. it's going to be very very sad.

April 2, 2017

catitan yang ditinggalkan.

March 26th, 2017

teringat teater terang malam yang aku tonton bersama syafiqah tempoh hari. berapa lama usia tempoh hari sebenarnya? selama ni aku tak pernah ambil tahu. memang benar lah orang kata, we tend to write when we sad. or confused. or just dont feel anything at all.

oh, tentang terang malam. 3 watak sepanjang penceritaan. lelaki, perempuan dan seorang tua lelaki bersama ukulele yang singgah di galeri lelaki, mengemis. aku mengelamun di tengah cerita. mungkin skrip mereka terlalu meleret untuk dihadam. i'm easily distracted ok. it was my first time watching teater too. i'd give 6.2/10. because of the plot twist.

right now i feel my life is more like watching it goes by. i am blessed, more or less. dan memang sepatutnya. everyone's getting married. everyone's travelling. it's good.

April 2nd, 2017

so, 1st quarter of 2017 sudah pun menjadi sejarah. so, how's yours? was it good or are you still catching up while hardly breathe?

aku masih lagi mengira masa-masa terbuang yang bakal dihisab. i came across a whatsapp status yang berbunyi, "sedarilah handphone adalah sesuatu yang sangat ringan dibawa oleh orang di dunia, namun di akhirat akan menjadi berat hisabnya. maka gunakanlah handphone untuk agamamu demi kebahagiaan di akhirat." when was the last time i thought about this? 2006 or something?

i used to not think about money too much. masalah kewangan bukan menjadi masalah nombor satu kalau disenaraikan bersama masalah-masalah lain. tapi sekarang semuanya bercelaru. i'm not slipping off track either. ah, ini bukan apa-apa. langgar.

meanwhile, 6 months old sayyidah nafisah.

February 16, 2017

ps: i'm not playing with anybody's feeling. i felt that too. it just didn't work out.

tulisan aku jarang tentang progress atau big moments dalam kehidupan aku. mostly, tentang perasaan. i always write when i'm practically sad. teringat kata-kata seorang kawan, "tak bosan ke hari-hari sembang cinta?" sebab what i'm gonna further write is also about love. fuck me, right?

i just thought, "i will never able to forgive myself." also i thought, "fuck you for still existing." aku adalah insan yang tenggelam dalam dosa sendiri. dosa yang teramat sangat besar yang pernah beberapa kali aku buat; playing with people's feelings. fuck me, right?

tak faham dengan orang yang boleh go on dengan kehidupan tanpa merasa perlu kembali ke masa silam. i guess they never commit a sin in their life.

if you're reading this, which you'd probably dont habe any idea this is about you, i would like to say, you're not the only one who fucked up. i made mistake. and i fucked up better than you've ever experienced.

February 1, 2017

meraba dalam kegelapan.

insecurities happen to work well in the middle of the night.
and i happen to care, a little bit too much.

kepada hati yang tatkala resah, gelisah, buntu;
tenanglah walaupun ia sukar, walaupun ia pahit. kekosongan ini bakal diisi.
fikir yang baik-baik. aku mohon, fikir yang baik-baik.

January 28, 2017

hari-hari kelabu.

i. the least of thing aku patut bother myself with at the moment is what people actually think of me.

ii. aku dalam keadaan tersepit di antara misi-misi dan azam-azam yang perlu aku selesaikan tahun ini.

iii. i need a lot of time dealing with myself. i always desperately in need a lot of alone time.

iv. staring people in the eyes while talking can be quite dangerous. on the bright side, it builds confidence in you. try it, but remember not to fall for anyone.

v. if this is not feeling overpower than anyone else then, i don't know what is.

vi. tak tahu samada aku mengejar bayang atau aku dikejar bayang. tak tahu samada aku menyimpan dendam atau dendam menyimpan aku. yang paling pasti, both hurt. both really fucking hurt.

vii. rindu, tapi ego. rindu. tapi sangat ego. rindu. bau kampung.

viii. we tend to like forbidden things more. just like teh tarik. just like teh tarik..

January 9, 2017

here's a list of things on what actually happened during my incapable days of journaling moment in my life.

i. long talks with people i barely knew before, tiba-tiba datang dan stuffed my days with broader views. i loved where God had put me into. i really do.

ii. new year was different this year. couldn't ask for more.

iii. niat untuk menulis recap of 2016 hanyalah sekadar niat. maybe i was never good at writing the past.

iv. cheers to another year of growing up. cheers to another year of living fully. or so, the idea of it.

v. i somehow able to swallow whatever may come, each and every day. but that doesn't simply mean, i'm just letting everything through.

vi. people are making big moves. while i'm here just wanna grow a big heart. super big heart that others forget how small i actually am.