January 31, 2014
It's been like, I can't remember, the last time I hold a pencil and actually draw something. Tak, aku tidak takut kalau-kalau aku tak tahu bagaimana nak memulakan a stroke. Sebab I'm fond to the techniques and stuff, just that, the sketching would turn out awkward and dull.
Tapi bukan itu yang bermain di fikiran aku. Bagaimana kalau seorang penulis berhenti menulis? Adakah tulisan dia akan mejadi dull and dead?
Aku tak perlu jawapan. Sebab hasrat yang aku cuba nyatakan, seolah selembar benang yang ditarik panjang lalu ia bersimpul simpul.
I actually have so much in my head, words and letters I can't put it into sentences.
January 27, 2014
Maybe, just maybe, laying here and listening to the fray's how to save a life album, is alive.
Maybe, just maybe, crossing legs and think about what to write without even bother what time is it now because it's late for a shower, the invisible wind coming from the fan is just keep on caressing every inch of skin you don't wanna get up.
I need a hug where a cup of coffee lives.
January 26, 2014
Aku melepaskan ikatan rambut, membuang helaian yang gugur pada getah rambut. Dan aku memandang abah yang dari tadi memerhati, sambil mengangkat kening.
"Rambut gugur." Aku memulakan perbualan.
"Tanda-tanda penuaan." Abah menyahut.
"Well everyone gets old, don't we?" kataku dalam hati.
And the conversation ended there.
January 25, 2014
The problem I'm facing is that I don't remember when I fall, when exactly did I fall, what happens and on what reason? I don't. For a moment there, I know by heart I've fell for this person.
People are counting their months and chasing time when I don't. I remember every single thing that we do, and we have all the conversations with me keep on repeating, "remember that one time," and we laugh about it, or just smile. I like that.
I don't care about those dates that I missed, and being an ignorant partner you've ever met who don't put a single care about not remembering dates. We'll forget all those numbers and days because for once, it will be too much, too many to remember.
I have you in my infinity heart.
January 19, 2014
January 15, 2014
A Mountain, A Peak nyanyian Bill Ricchini berlagu di telinga aku untuk yang entah keberapa-kalinya. Masa bergerak perlahan. Sitting here, going on internet semenjak masa pejabat bermula, aku mula merasa sesak di dada. Thinking of what this Dr. Kamal's research assistant might say about me. Well he seems like he doesn't bother at all since that everyone is still on their holiday thus making our work, halt, dalam kata mudah, tiada kerja.
This is boring. I need to go to the library, like right now.
January 12, 2014
Dan bila tiba masanya, kau membaca terlalu banyak, dan kau mencari kepuasan dalam setiap bait yang kau hadam, namun kau masih tak menjumpainya, mungkin kau patut selak balik helaian yang kau dah letak jauh sebelah penjuru, helai yang sempurna tu; kata dari Sang Pencipta.
Ada bahagia disitu. Ada kejayaan dalam tu.
January 9, 2014
If you never try smoking, you're not bad enough.
If you're not a coffee drinker, you're not bad enough.
If you don't hate everyone, you're not bad enough.
If you never lie, you're not bad enough.
If you never break yr heart, you're not bad enough.
If you never leave, you're not bad enough.
If you never hurt others, you're not bad enough.
If you never were alone, you're not bad enough.
If you never hate yrself, you're certainly,
not bad enough.
I have always believe that to write, you need to experiencing. That's when the risk comes, you have to take it, face it. And if it turns out wrong, fix it if you can. When you can't, learn from it. When it breaks yr heart, you're alive. You're going through it. You're experiencing. That is really okay, because eventually, you know you'll be just fine. You're way stronger than what you can take, right?
January 7, 2014
I've always wanted to write a book. But not the kind of book where there comes the money. Because commitment is where the responsibility lies. Everyone knows I'll never be a good friend to commitment.
It's been three days I'm at home. I'm bored already. But half of the house needs to be settled. Moving to places is hard. Packing and unpacking all the way. Why do we have to do that? It doesn't even make things easier because you have to reorder stuff and all that. It's tiring.
I've been laying in bed since I had my breakfast. I'm doing nothing. And great. Unproductive. Just, let me stay here and think how many seconds have I killed and regret.
January 6, 2014
I flipped through pages. I read as many as possible. Why is it hard to form just one sentence? Why it isn't coming?
So I thought, maybe you've brought all the poems in me with you. Maybe I've changed. And with that, I shall not crave for who I was.
I'm changing and it's okay. I'm experiencing and it's okay. I am happy with changeness. And with that, I can see more of myself.
January 2, 2014
Open up your past posts. Reading it. And found. That, mistakes.
Don't. Don't erase that. Don't ever think of repairing it. Don't change the sentence. Don't reorder. Don't delete. Don't add up. Just, don't.
Because the feeling will be different. Because it's just beautiful in its way with those meanings despite those mistakes. Because the time now, and before are different. Because now, your feel is, undo the mistake, but before, it was all about how you feel that you don't really care about how you did the mistake.
So, don't. Let it be.
And on one fine evening, I received a text message said,
"Sarah. Aku sedih."
And I failed to help. Because you refused to open up. That's okay. Even though, you've been my favourite that I wish I were your fav too. Maybe some things are better left unsaid.
But things changed miraculously. I was falling apart, crumbling and so on. Who should I blame to?
And the song was still on repeat.
And it's still,
Aku rasa, semua orang ada iman. Despite hati, jiwa, akal dan emosi. Sampai aku jadi pelik, adakah manusia sudah melupakan iman?
Yang membezakan iman seseorang itu adalah amalannya. Iman itu sifatnya turun naik. Banyak amalnya tak bermaksud tinggi imannya. Sikit amalnya tak bermaksud rendah imannya. Kerana dalam beramal perlu ikhlas, tawadduk, khusyuk, dan consistency untuk mendapatkan iman yang sebenar benar iman. It's quite complicated don't you think?
Aku bukanlah seorang yang tinggi pengetahuannya dalam agama. Tetapi aku jadi pelik, iman itu lawannya adalah nafsu. Dan nafsu tergolong dalam antara sifat manusia. Jadi iman juga sepatutnya berada diantara mereka. Tak ke?
Sebab itu apabila aku melihat para penulis, terutamanya pemuisi, terlupa akan the existence of eeman. Or maybe, well nevermind. I don't want to assume such thing.
It's just that, no matter how heartbroken, so deeply hollow you feel, as long as you remember yr eeman, I think, you can't be so dark inside.
January 1, 2014
He's a brokenhearted.
She's a goner.
He's all depending on the moon.
She's all counting stars.
He's singing a sorrow song.
She's mourning in void.
He's saying hearty words.
She's speaking lies.
He wears his heart on his sleeves.
She wears her smile in believes,
That he belongs in someone else's arms.
And she belongs in someone else's arms.