Rambling #5

So something actually came up to my mind, can talent get expired? I mean, can it just gone when you're not using it. Or you stop using it. Or you stop brushing it up. Will it gone?

It's been like, I can't remember, the last time I hold a pencil and actually draw something. Tak, aku tidak takut kalau-kalau aku tak tahu bagaimana nak memulakan a stroke. Sebab I'm fond to the techniques and stuff, just that, the sketching would turn out awkward and dull.

Tapi bukan itu yang bermain di fikiran aku. Bagaimana kalau seorang penulis berhenti menulis? Adakah tulisan dia akan mejadi dull and dead?

Aku tak perlu jawapan. Sebab hasrat yang aku cuba nyatakan, seolah selembar benang yang ditarik panjang lalu ia bersimpul simpul.

I actually have so much in my head, words and letters I can't put it into sentences.
It's weird.

Living the moment.

Maybe, just maybe, laying here and listening to the fray's how to save a life album, is alive.
Maybe, just maybe, crossing legs and think about what to write without even bother what time is it now because it's late for a shower, the invisible wind coming from the fan is just keep on caressing every inch of skin you don't wanna get up.

I need a hug where a cup of coffee lives.

Shortage.

Aku melepaskan ikatan rambut, membuang helaian yang gugur pada getah rambut. Dan aku memandang abah yang dari tadi memerhati, sambil mengangkat kening.

"Rambut gugur." Aku memulakan perbualan.

"Tanda-tanda penuaan." Abah menyahut.

"Haha."
"Well everyone gets old, don't we?" kataku dalam hati.

And the conversation ended there.

Love is.

The problem I'm facing is that I don't remember when I fall, when exactly did I fall, what happens and on what reason? I don't. For a moment there, I know by heart I've fell for this person.

People are counting their months and chasing time when I don't. I remember every single thing that we do, and we have all the conversations with me keep on repeating, "remember that one time," and we laugh about it, or just smile. I like that.

I don't care about those dates that I missed, and being an ignorant partner you've ever met who don't put a single care about not remembering dates. We'll forget all those numbers and days because for once, it will be too much, too many to remember.

I have you in my infinity heart.

Rambling #4.

I scrolled through my tumblr dashboard. And saw this. 

It's just so funny don't you think? Reblogged by a person who clearly spends most of her days, been on internet. Maybe s/he was telling people to get the shit out of the internet and start looking at the stars, start look into infinity bullshits.

Or maybe, s/he was invading the ironist out of him/herself.

Or just trying to tell him/herself to step outside and cherish the stars.

This has nothing to do with me, or you.

Time halts,

as she dissolves wholly,
in his warmth embracement.

Lupus.

Salah satu cara untuk melupus kehidupan yang dulu adalah dengan membuang akaun rangkaian sosial kau. Dan menggantikan ia dengan yang baru, dengan menambah rakan-rakan yang baru, sahaja.

You deserve to keep not everyone but, anybody you want, right?

Rambling #3

A Mountain, A Peak nyanyian Bill Ricchini berlagu di telinga aku untuk yang entah keberapa-kalinya. Masa bergerak perlahan. Sitting here, going on internet semenjak masa pejabat bermula, aku mula merasa sesak di dada. Thinking of what this Dr. Kamal's research assistant might say about me. Well he seems like he doesn't bother at all since that everyone is still on their holiday thus making our work, halt, dalam kata mudah, tiada kerja.

This is boring. I need to go to the library, like right now.

Kata sempurna.

Dan bila tiba masanya, kau membaca terlalu banyak, dan kau mencari kepuasan dalam setiap bait yang kau hadam, namun kau masih tak menjumpainya, mungkin kau patut selak balik helaian yang kau dah letak jauh sebelah penjuru, helai yang sempurna tu; kata dari Sang Pencipta.

Buka.
Baca.
Hadam.
Faham.

Ada bahagia disitu. Ada kejayaan dalam tu.

Kepada, Pelacur Kata.

Aku penat hayati puisi patah hati.

You're just, not bad enough.

If you never try smoking, you're not bad enough.
If you're not a coffee drinker, you're not bad enough.
If you don't hate everyone, you're not bad enough.
If you never lie, you're not bad enough.
If you never break yr heart, you're not bad enough.
If you never leave, you're not bad enough.
If you never hurt others, you're not bad enough.
If you never were alone, you're not bad enough.
If you never hate yrself, you're certainly,
not bad enough.

Believe.

I have always believe that to write, you need to experiencing. That's when the risk comes, you have to take it, face it. And if it turns out wrong, fix it if you can. When you can't, learn from it. When it breaks yr heart, you're alive. You're going through it. You're experiencing. That is really okay, because eventually, you know you'll be just fine. You're way stronger than what you can take, right?

Sigh.

Some afternoons are like 8am in the morning I'd love to have my coffee again. And this afternoon, I feel glad I'm breathing the kinda chills that morning have, and the room is losing its light. I'm guessing, it's gonna pour.

I want to go home in your arms.

Rambling #2

I've always wanted to write a book. But not the kind of book where there comes the money. Because commitment is where the responsibility lies. Everyone knows I'll never be a good friend to commitment.

It's been three days I'm at home. I'm bored already. But half of the house needs to be settled. Moving to places is hard. Packing and unpacking all the way. Why do we have to do that? It doesn't even make things easier because you have to reorder stuff and all that. It's tiring.

I've been laying in bed since I had my breakfast. I'm doing nothing. And great. Unproductive. Just, let me stay here and think how many seconds have I killed and regret.

Finding self.

I flipped through pages. I read as many as possible. Why is it hard to form just one sentence? Why it isn't coming?

So I thought, maybe you've brought all the poems in me with you. Maybe I've changed. And with that, I shall not crave for who I was.

I'm changing and it's okay. I'm experiencing and it's okay. I am happy with changeness. And with that, I can see more of myself.

Let it be.

Open up your past posts. Reading it. And found. That, mistakes.

Don't. Don't erase that. Don't ever think of repairing it. Don't change the sentence. Don't reorder. Don't delete. Don't add up. Just, don't.

Because the feeling will be different. Because it's just beautiful in its way with those meanings despite those mistakes. Because the time now, and before are different. Because now, your feel is, undo the mistake, but before, it was all about how you feel that you don't really care about how you did the mistake.

So, don't. Let it be.

One fine evening.

I've been spacing out lately. Listening to the same album, on endless loop.

And on one fine evening, I received a text message said,

"Sarah. Aku sedih."

And I failed to help. Because you refused to open up. That's okay. Even though, you've been my favourite that I wish I were your fav too. Maybe some things are better left unsaid.

But things changed miraculously. I was falling apart, crumbling and so on. Who should I blame to?

And the song was still on repeat.
And it's still,

on repeat.

Let's just pray.

Aku rasa, semua orang ada iman. Despite hati, jiwa, akal dan emosi. Sampai aku jadi pelik, adakah manusia sudah melupakan iman?

Yang membezakan iman seseorang itu adalah amalannya. Iman itu sifatnya turun naik. Banyak amalnya tak bermaksud tinggi imannya. Sikit amalnya tak bermaksud rendah imannya. Kerana dalam beramal perlu ikhlas, tawadduk, khusyuk, dan consistency untuk mendapatkan iman yang sebenar benar iman. It's quite complicated don't you think?

Aku bukanlah seorang yang tinggi pengetahuannya dalam agama. Tetapi aku jadi pelik, iman itu lawannya adalah nafsu. Dan nafsu tergolong dalam antara sifat manusia. Jadi iman juga sepatutnya berada diantara mereka. Tak ke?

Sebab itu apabila aku melihat para penulis, terutamanya pemuisi, terlupa akan the existence of eeman. Or maybe, well nevermind. I don't want to assume such thing.

It's just that, no matter how heartbroken, so deeply hollow you feel, as long as you remember yr eeman, I think, you can't be so dark inside.

someone else's arms.

He's a brokenhearted.
She's a goner.
He's all depending on the moon.
She's all counting stars.
He's singing a sorrow song.
She's mourning in void.
He's saying hearty words.
She's speaking lies.
He wears his heart on his sleeves.
She wears her smile in believes,
That he belongs in someone else's arms.
And she belongs in someone else's arms.

Rambling.

Think of a resolution.

Think.

Think about it. Think, if you have ever achieved one. Think, if those resolutions are just from those 5 years you went through. Or just keep on getting the list longer and nothing ever crossed since you don't remember when.

And I. I have never plan of anything on the very first day of new years, since SPM. I am that kind of person that fail to plan. I have plans too. I plan based on what and when I feel I want to. Dates don't bother me, not a chance. I'm free to do anything. We are free to do anything. Why we have to follow others? One of my friends once said,  only the dead fish go down follow the stream. 

Excuse me that will not absolutely turning you into one of those hipsters.

I'm just another broken pieces. I'm getting old. I'm happy, sometimes I am just tearing apart I don't know why.

Lorde's voices expanding through the room, rhythmic words that lack of my attentions.

I want to go out and walk around the city with my ear plugged in and free from thoughts of being afraid because our country is not a safe place anymore yet today is public holiday. People are everywhere. And I don't really like that. It's kinda a bad idea.

I scrolled through facebook. Yesterday was someone's birthday. I don't wanna celebrate my birthday. If someone ever think of it, please don't make it so obvious that I refuse to leave my room. Please make me happiest not just in pictures when the time comes.

I want my morning back. I want morning that doesn't end. I want to sleep through the day and wake up only when its morning.

I'm writing this according to voices in my head, which I really want to escape from. Thanks a lot, head.