i want to

i wanna start study, again. but this time, it's gonna be different. different school, different environment, different country and definitely, different major. you just wait.

of growing wiser

i always consider that every words uttered are confessions, even if it's a story about someone, things, event. it's always a confession.

we heard a news about one of my friends is having a job with the highest salary among us. i remembered the other day, he asked my opinion on which to accept by comparing between one he was having and one he was offered to. i, with my humble and honest opinion, told him which one i would choose.

he, who happened to be in typical other people definitely chose the one with the highest salary. i couldn't care less. it's the thing people do. they just wanna know your opinion and advice. they'll still gonna choose the other way around.

once, Along, Kakak and I were discussing about this matter. "gaji besar, takde life. balik malam, kerja tak pernah habis." Along cakap. for once, i agree with him.

i have plans. and i am, honestly, from the bottom of my heart, saying this, finally: i am grateful with where i am now and what i have. seriously. it was so hard before (a year ago) to accept who i am and who i was. a year had taught me so much. and at the end of 2016, i can assure you, it's the year of so much progressions.

and then, i'm gonna pat myself at the back and say, "you've done very well, dear self. very well."

sick people

i wanna clarify on one thing about pregnancy. the other day, i tweeted about it.

i remembered when my other mother bragged about being pregnant when she had a bump that only 2 months old. my mom said, orang zaman sekarang tak ada rasa malu that when she was pregnant, she only told her family about it. i didnt get it at that time.

now it's different. almost everything you want the world to know about it. cakap pasal craving, morning sickness and worse, selfie with your bump. i just dont get it. if you want people's blessings, yeah i'm happy for you. we all get it, you're pregnant. i dont see the point of saying about it all day all night.

some might say i'm definitely jealous about it. excuse fucking me. you should have more common sense in you. grow up, seriously. and think hard. is it worth the tell? arent you ashamed of yourself?

of healing

i was up quite late last night. it wasn't a planned meet up we were having but i'm glad i have the time for it, during weekdays especially. i've always got time for a long chat, haven't i?

it was the night that he got everything he craved for. i was blamed for that because i was mad about things i failed to figure. we were sitting there with our light meal talking about heavy topics like how our hearts felt about almost everything. he's the type of person who rarely talks about his views and opinions. and i was there, happened to listen to his rambles.

it was very comforting i shall say. not because of his stories, instead, of the fact that he tried to utter in every way possible to make me understand each word. it was just the talk. we could not stop. dan kesemua daya upaya yang kita guna to pull each of us to a safest place makes me feel like we're home. maybe this is the healing piece they talked about. it's not much but it's there.

there's so many things i wanna tell, i wanna talk about. but the words just didn't come in a way i expected it to be. maybe some other time, let it be some other time.

what's coffee to you?

i used to be so addicted to coffee. it's a choice. i wanted myself to be addicted to it. it's the same as drugs, cigarrettes, alcohol and anything addictive. you have the choice to make it happen. also, to stop it from happen. and so i stop drinking coffee for a while.

i used to think coffee makes me think clearer and faster, that every time i had coffee, i'd write better. good writings lead to a better day. therefore, i'd summed up my day with: good coffee goes along with a good day.

however, it's truly not like that. when i'm writing this, i havent had coffee (yet). coffee gives you this feeling where you feel dependable on it. when you choose to be addicted to it, you know yourself that you want it to own you. therefore, it's not weird when some people would rather not be in relationship but definitely not going through a day without a cup of coffee.

if smoker has a term of social smoker, i own myself a term of social caffeinator, i guess. where you take caffein as a tool to socialize; to get along with people. also, i barely buy myself a coffee. starbucks? about 2-3 times i ever bought myself with. i dont fancy overpriced coffee. i just dont.

so, what's coffee to you then?

train

it's day 2 of free pass ride on kelana jaya line. every train is packed with people in it, hop on and off because it's free. untuk orang yang pengangkutan hari-harinya adalah tren, pada aku keadaan ini sangat menjengkelkan.

melayu dan percuma berpisah tiada. it goes with its name, cheap.

"sarah, dah makan dah? sorry, tadi kitorang naik lrt sebab free, kan?" clearly, not a question you're supposed to answer but you get the view.

"semak." aku type dan hantar kepada A. semak dengan keadaan train yang biasanya penuh dengan lelaki ber-suit lengkap dan wanita ber-skirt tapi minggu ni bakal atau sedang dipenuhi dengan kanak-kanak, budak sekolah dan pregnant women.

pernah ada suatu ketika, tren berhenti di kerinchi atau mungkin kelana jaya. sekumpulan perempuan-perempuan berisi meluru laju menyumbatkan tubuh mereka ke dalam perut tren, mencari tempat duduk kosong seperti musang kelaparan. aku macam biasa, sedang duduk menikmati such privilege from the tradition of first come first serve. mereka berkumpul di depan aku, mencanang perkara-perkara yang not worth single attention from people like me. aku jadi jelek.

setiap perhentian aku menyumpah supaya wanita-wanita ini beredar. ada ketika mereka senyap. tuhan saja yang tahu betapa bersyukur aku 2 minit dalam kesunyian itu.

that's definitely one of those days i wish i didn't have to go through.

"April 22nd, 2015: I resent being called a hipster." - emily

found myself a good title to begin with so here's the long-waited post.

i. remember about the blog i once mentioned on how good it is? i've found it and went to twitter asking into the void of who she is. ya guess, no answer.

ii. i am, without a doubt, the best stalker you can find in the city.

iii. i wonder how it feels like to be a little off sober. like, when you just off a bar and it is one o'clock in the morning and suddenly you felt like wanna get yourself a little bit of ink planted under your skin just below your right collarbone.

iv. heard a story of a guy who went intoxicated when i, myself thought, he's supposed to be an angel. i was so wrong and he's such a cutie.

v. tell me how to surf without getting yourself anxious about what everyone's doing in this cozy yet stressful place.

i somehow, liked it here

"so how's the stalking going?" i said after looking up through my traffic sources as if 'he' would hear me. think you'd get away with it?

selepas mendengarkan apa yang kak R told me, i said to myself that i don't wanna end up like those people who had to resign because their contract expired. and that they didn't get the offer to renew their contract or turn permanent.

to be really honest, i have already set a new goal. therefore, i need to be here to somehow achieve that goal. sebab finally i can say to myself that this is the career path that i want. untuk menjadi seorang sarah, it's not that easy to have a very high self esteem and confident.

whether it's good or bad it's gonna turn, just pray for good things for me.

'how do i get to heaven?'

i think i'm losing count of how many times i'm losing myself.

list of things on why i dont have so many girl friends

i. you have to pay attention for their dramas.

ii. honestly, it's the most cliche thing you'd heard from a girl who claimed to have more guy friends than girls. seriously, my circle of girl friends dont have so much drama tapi they are mostly too girly, too kind (ok this one is good actually), too cautious, too brainy, too cheapskate.

iii. what else? oh, boyfriends. some would sacrifice a lot of their time to their boyfriend. i wont say 'invest' because they're not even their husband. nak jumpa, bapak susah. unless if it's lepak-time-aku-bawak-boyfriend-sekali-eh kind of meet up.

iv. kita cuba konon nak jadi the cool friend yang gives time to our friends for their lovey dovey shit until we've became the one who rarely gets the time to catch up with everybody else cause they are so busy with their guy. wake up gang, he's not even your husband (yet).

v. dan most of the time, i'm chilling with myself at home every weekend because i'm out of reach during weekdays sebab everyone is out with their boyfriend on weekends. bapak sedih ayat aku.

vi. seeing at the list you can say that i have issues, probably. and i enjoy my time alone, mostly. and i dont have much money for lepak currently. let's see how it goes for the next few weeks/months.

i think bosses trained themselves to not make an eye contact to newcomers. they're so pro

i was searching through the web about a post i once read where i have the screenshot of it tapi i cannot reach for it right now. tulisannya sangat bagus. sadly, that's exactly something i'd easily forget.

apa yang aku boleh katakan tentang tulisan tersebut, ia agak melankolik, depress dan serious; of the thing not everyone loves to read about. setiap ayat berkaitan antara satu sama lain dan seterusnya menghasilkan scene yang berkaitan dengan yang lainnya.

i think that's how you should write.

aku terfikirkan semua ini sewaktu aku berjalan pulang ke rumah dari train station sambil mendengar lagu-lagu yang dimainkan dari latest album kumpulan Daughter. it takes about 7 to 12 minutes of walking. i told this to one of my colleagues dan katanya jauh. i dont mind anyway walking a long way everyday. pernah juga terfikir untuk drive all the way to kelana jaya but thinking it'll cost me two times than taking public transport, i'd said nevermind lah.

dan dalam pada masa yang sama juga aku telah memikirkan how actually i should write; tentang bos aku, tentang pengalamannya, tentang thoughts dan nasihat yang diberikan, tentang meeting dan everything in that office. but thoughts are like dedaunan yang ditiup angin. it wont settle at the same place when the wind blows. so that's that. and that's how my day goes by.