April 30, 2013

Of understanding.

There are certain proses, or poems, I read that are hard to understand, even if it's written in the most simplest way. You know. And most of all, that's what I like about it. Those parts that are hard to understand.

It makes you want to know more, understand more thus making you read it more, reread after reread. And how you digest those words, form them in your own words that you can understand, or wish you'd understand. And sometimes, I don't even care anymore if I can't understand. You know what, after all, I enjoyed reading it. And that is more than enough.

April 29, 2013

I wish I could.

Dan esok.. Dan tadi.. Dan selepas esok..

Aku cuma berharap, segalanya berjalan lancar untuknya.

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How I hate that when I thought that i'm gonna be fine but eventually I'm not.

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I still think that you are the best i've ever had. You're the first that gave me those feelings, how can I forget?

And that is the toughest part.

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Sudah pasti ianya sesuatu yang tidak patut kau pendam andai kau mempunyai seorang sahabat yang menganggap diri kau sahabatnya tetapi tidak pada kau.

Aku tahu aku seorang yang tidak bersyukur bila aku punya seorang kawan yang selalu ajak lepak, tanya tentang kehidupan aku, hari aku, beri hadiah pada setiap hari jadi aku. Tapi itu semua tak berjaya meyakinkan aku bahawa dia adalah kawan baik aku.

Aku tahu aku kejam. Dan aku masih tak tahu kenapa dia masih menganggap aku sebagai kawan baiknya sedangkan aku setiap kali cuba untuk lari daripada dia. Yes we were friends since we were 9 year old. And up until now, aku masih lagi rasa janggal.

Dan untuk menyatakan kebenaran, ianya amat payah. Tambahan pula kau adalah antara orang yang dia sayang. And after all these years, kau baru nak bagitahu dia? I think it is better that I forget about it.

Maybe that it is guilt that I feel. That I never care about her. More than she did.

April 21, 2013

Inappropriate post.

Kadang kadang aku rasa kelakar melihat manusia. Semua orang seolah mencuba keras untuk menjadi cool and awesome and stuff by sharing or approximately, boasting whatever they do in real life to all social medium available. I mean, come on.

It was kind of scary thing to do before when internet wasn't really popular atau pertama kali diperkenal. We do not share what we eat when we first got our friendster or myspace do we?

Seperti instagram. Aku percaya setiap kejadian yang berlaku dalam kehidupan kau tidak appropriate untuk di-instagram-kan. Dan kadang kadang apa yang di kongsi itu adalah amat ridiculous dan wtf. Dan apps yang semakin merepek dan vary.

Above all, it's kind of funny thing especially when they said that they are so anti social and stuff but so well known on the internet.

Because it is the internet.

April 20, 2013

Feeling unfriend.

Alkisah sifat dan perwatakan aku yang agak self-centered dan kadang-kadang care too much sangat menjengkelkan. Aku membayangkan diri aku sebagai orang lain yang memerhatikan aku, must had thinking that that girl is crazy.

Macam mana nak menyampaikan thought tu dalam perkataan? Let's just say, aku adalah manusia yang cenderung ke arah stepping away. Betul ke tu?

As an escapist, secara tidak rasmi, aku selesa untuk tidak melibatkan diri dalam mana mana relationship bersama mana mana manusia. Okay itu overly acted.

Satu situasi di mana kawan atau orang yang rapat dengan aku, I keep a distance from them. Rapat like gila babi punya rapat pun, still I give them space. Dan kadang kala ruang yang aku beri, terlalu luas sehinggakan you can't see what's coming towards you in every angle. Atau mungkin ruang itu aku cipta sendiri untuk diri aku sebenarnya.

A self-centered person, mereka bersifat habis madu sepah dibuang dan buruk siku at the same time.

And yes, I made myself to be an escapist.

p.s: come to think of it, just do what comforts you and be you and stop complicate things and stuff and whatever

April 19, 2013

Moments I treasured.

Late night calls. Morning calls. Breakfast dates. Complete silence. Heart beats. Starry nights. Rain appreciations. Stay ups. Stories. Thoughts. Confessions. Groceries shoppings. Journeys. Book huntings. Music sharings. Long talks.

April 18, 2013

"I'm only telling you this because life, can do terrible things." - Mayday Parade

Life's more than just waking ups.
Life's more than just sad songs.
Life's more than just memories.
Life's more than just hopes.

.
.
.
.
I keep that in mind.
In case I don't feel like living.

April 12, 2013

Question.

Kadangkala aku tertanya, apa tanggapan manusia terhadap tulisan aku?

Pernah suatu ketika dulu, aku menulis sebagai inspirasi untuk mereka, untuk diri aku sendiri. Bukan macam sekarang. Aku sendiri tak berinspirasi. Dan membacakan tulisan aku sendiri, aku rasa, seolah-olah mencari diri aku yang dulu. Yang positif.

Pandangan aku masih positif, secara general; keseluruhan. Cuma rasa itu, seperti, tiada.

Berbeza dengan adik aku yang buku motivasinya bersusun bertingkat-tingkat pada rak buku. Tapi aku tak heran pun nak membelek. Mungkin niat tu ada. Mungkin aku cuba untuk menafikan. Atau mungkin, aku dah pun negatif, unconsciously.

April 9, 2013

I am.

I'm writing you out of my dreams.
I'm losing tracks of your life.
I'm stepping away from your circle.
I'm building up the walls.

I'm making my way.
Away from you.

April 7, 2013

Some things.

Okay here's the thing. What am I doing running away from people?

Aku tak tahu. Dan aku blah tanpa berkata apa-apa. Dan mereka perlu sebab dan penerangan. Tapi aku masih lagi dengan absolute egocentrism aku, angkuh dan... Apa masalah aku tak nak menyatakan apa yang aku rasa sebenarnya?!

I don't know. I just mad at myself. What's the problem? Tell them. Just tell them you don't want them in your life! You've had enough of yourself yet you let them enter your life? Like, hell no. You know that aren't you? They'll understand, somehow... You just have to say it.

I don't wanna lose them. Because I know that someday, i'm gonna need them. I don't want any of this, ends. I just need a little time of myself, I guess.

Why is it so hard?

Something.

Sometimes, I wish that I could just swooshed away and gone from everyone and everyone will just stay what they are. But then that'd be unfair for them that I leave without saying anything. And of course I'm not afraid about leaving everyone. Not even a bit.


But,
Am I ready?