December 22, 2015

nota-nota, yang entah ke berapa.

i. you know what's not healthy? reading to your old posts. worst, mourn about it.

ii. i feel at ease, for a longest time now. and nothing is okay with feeling ease. trust me.

iii. jotting down short notes is easier than talking. try it.

iv. i dont have a strong point to actually write anything. well does anyone?

v. as much as i feel guilty, i cannot help myself. because i have lost myself, a long time ago. what left is just memory. or vivid dreams i cannot even grasp it.

vi. in finding light, you have to be patient. dear self, have a strong hold. have a strong hold for now.

December 18, 2015

things i say when i get disgusted with myself.

you're not attached. you're not yet attached. please, i'm pleading you please remember that you are not attached. you are free. you can do whatever a single person can do. you dont have to text him to make sure that he remembers you. you don't have to call him because his voice makes you calm. you don't have to. because you are not attached. please. please remember all of your words. you are not that weak. you know you can live. you are strong, right?

December 17, 2015

let me live alone.

aku selalu letak diri aku pada yang bukan friendly. because i never am. hatta hanya untuk post a comment on people's page or reply to one's tweet or commenting on one's blog, aku tak pernah consider yang i can actually do that. it's a burden, i think.

it's like i refuse to put myself a trace, myself mapped to where people can actually reach for me. or at least, not here.

if you ever thought, or ever crossed your mind to check on me, you don't have to. what's on here, always stays here.

there's a reason why my url's created that long. there's a reason to it.

December 10, 2015

but things haven't changed much.

"for someone who’s always being in between right and wrong, does she deserves only hell just because she’s not good with making decisions? i’ve been questioning myself this for almost years since the day i met you. i wanna change. and changing is hard. i’m not strong enough to leave. well, are you? it’s either happiness or misery; it’s either hell or heaven. if i’m happy now, i’ll be in hell later. if i choose misery now, i might be in heaven later. and not choosing is what i can only think about now. i regret sometimes. but did things change?" -- some place only i know.

December 2, 2015

rencana-rencana.

i. aku bercadang untuk menjual timbunan buku-buku yang tak terbaca, baca separuh dan tak larat nak baca lagi tu, daripada biarkan mereka lunyai di makan banjir.

ii. you know, i cannot read in bulk. aku perlu satu bahan bacaan untuk satu-satu masa. or i'll get everything messed up.

iii. i am so enthusiastic about the idea of starting a business. but i don't have anything to get the business started other than selling used books.

iv. i need more connections.

v. starting something new always sounds so exciting. but can you manage till the end?

vi. aku selalu memikirkan perkara-perkara yang sepatutnya bukan tempat aku lagi untuk fikirkan seperti, bagaimana kau boleh terima segala keburukan aku sedangkan once, i could not do that to you.

December 1, 2015

all heavy and worn out.

i get easily tired recently, of getting attached to you. i chocked myself up by care so much about you. i talk to myself alot about all the made up consequences of not contacting you when i know you are busy. i let my ego wins because i deserve such trophy. you know it kills me to have doubt conversations with myself. i even pray to god that i dont have to feel this anymore, ever. let's just play it cool. you won't die from a heartbreak that you made up, right?