1. hari ini aku tenung muka anak aku yang tengah fokus tengok tv. sesekali dia menoleh untuk memastikan keberadaan aku. aku terfikir, how am i or us gonna raise this child? aku siap terbayang rupa anak aku makin membesar dan mula sedar, we have to grow too. by growing i mean, in every aspect in life - spiritually, financially, mentally… it’s gonna be hard work.
2. and by that, seeing where i am now, i start to question myself, am i actually on track? it’s scarier to think that i am far from that.
3. i don’t like to whine because i’ve been giving a lot more that i’ve asked. but definitely deep inside, i want to do more. like earning more, move out to a bigger house, have a real career, helping more people. suddenly, it feels like what i’m doing now is not as bigger as everyone else. know what i mean?
4. of course i don’t feel the need to be jealous of every single living person but i keep doing this mental battling with my past self, the one who did more for herself, who actually had a clear goal.
5. lol. what am i searching for actually…
6. i think i need to see things in different angle. like, i should see raising a child as an achievement, a hardwork that needs recognition, that i need to treat little task as important as going to the office and get praised by bosses.
7. also maybe that we moms, are always looking for word/actions of appreciation but never realize that we need to appreciate ourselves more.
8. upon thinking all of this, i also realized it’s been like ages that i feel fun or when i uttered, ‘this is fun.’ i’m not sure it’s the age or what but by living more it seems to suck up the funs we have in us.
9. yes we might as well create the fun but for the fun to spontaneously exist upon us, hit us, is hardly. even if it does, it’s short. happiness is short, i guess? oh well. the farther i rambles, the lost i’ve become.
10. despite all, i’ve found the cause. that’s the goal.