3rd night

Missing him is one thing, feeling like you don’t have anyone in this world is another thing. Often, i sorta mixed them all up. 

Missing him is just like standing in the sea of people who cared so much about you, but you are alone.

I always think about this you know.

I do often talk about the unprivileged, the unfairness and stuff but i dont live like them or as much as i try to help them, there’s still more that need help. That sometimes it really does feel like i’m not doing enough. Tried to come up with reasons but they sound more like excuses.

I have discovered one thing about me. That i carry the empathy inside me more than i should. To the extend that it kinda gives me heavy boots. It drains me. The thought of not being able to give enough help is constantly killing me.

Must be annoying isnt it to read this because I’m not showing progression but only whine about it. Kinda sounds like whining. Or that i only care but I’m also kinda helpless.

Just like those people who thought they bring awareness to the others but they just merely talking. Do you think it’s the fight? Do you think you’re winning?

You cannot say that because you dont live like them. You dont end your day with an empty stomach thinking what you’re gonna eat for tomorrow if you’re still alive. Being them, is about when it’s gonna be the last day. Because living is so hard. You dont know. We dont know. It’s sad.

What a privilege life we’re living. Thinking about it makes me tired already. How do i stop this thought?

Let’s talk, talk.

 i. Tbh, i write everywhere. It’s messed up. Anyone, everyone can just take my words as theirs i dont really care. What’s even there anyway? There’s nothing like originality. It’s bullshit. 

ii. Tonight sort of the night that i should have a nonstop  conversation. But no one is available. So eat shit? I guess. 

iii. What’s the point of making this roman bullets when i just write what i want without thinking of stopping or even selecting a topic. Help. 

iv. Promised myself not to take coffee in the evening but well, i did it again today. Hence, the restless thoughts, this helpless brain  

v. Kinda want to sum up today but i actually already wrote almost everything somewhere else. I have this way of saying the same thing over and over again but express it in different way every time. That makes it, telling all but not really. What the hell

vi. I hate spicy foods that I cant tolerate with. It just ruins everything. 

vii. Being 28, is all about going to bed only after you’ve showered. Be it at 2am  

viii. I am so calm yet extremely restless inside. Also ravenous. 

ix. Was just thinking about stoping time. Probably because i was too happy. What a rare thing to say. But then i realized i need to say that often. Acknowledging the happiness. The cringiness.