For all I've known, writing a poetry is hard because you made up those feelings, the non-existence and you make it happen. That's tough. And that is what poets do. Unlike those who aren't poets but like poetry. And sometimes, write too.

No. I just feel like this is all wrong.

Kecenderungan.

I can be someone who wears heart on the sleeve.

I can also be someone who builds a wall so high.

Kadang kadang, aku meletakkan perasaan itu sebagai satu ujikaji. Hati itu sebagai experiment di mana yang menanggung semuanya adalah jiwa dan jasad aku.

Aku jadi eager untuk melihat perubahan perubahan yang berlaku pada mental dan fizikal aku. Terutamanya apabila aku terus terusan tenggelam dalam kegelapan. Pernah aku cuba untuk melawan rasa hitam itu, tetapi lama kelamaan, aku senang dihuni ia.

Aku lebih cenderung untuk tidak open up to anyone. Untuk menahan segala jerih perih perasaan sendiri. It hurts and it burns but I'm sort of like it that way. Setting fire to what inside for fun seperti kata Elena Tonra. Because we'd rather enjoy the pain than be in short happiness.

Do you think that it's weird to like the darkness this much?

Blues.

Right at this moment, I can feel the emptyness inside.

Ianya bukan kekosongan kerana engkau sunyi. Ia kekosongan yang maha nyata, yang beku. Seolah masa yang berjalan, tak lagi membawa apa apa makna kepada kau. Maybe numb is the most suitable term.

Aku rasa nak marah pada semua benda tanpa sebab yang pasti. Dan tulisan ini, hanya akan membuat aku terus hanyut sebelum aku menyedari yang ianya hanya sia sia. It won't cure this. It doesn't.

only wanna give you what I said I would.

Brokenhearted.

Walaupun pada dasarnya, aku bukanlah anak yang baik, malah anak yang lebih banyak berahsia yang pada aku, everyone knows that I rarely share things with persons. Yang bercakap as in person, the awkward type, unless mereka lebih banyak meminta respon daripada aku.

Yet, some of my family members, are accusing me that I am starting to disappear from them. I hate how things work that way in our culture mostly. They don't ask. They just keep assuming.

I have you in my pray how could you think that i've forgotten you? I have you. I know I am not a good daughter. I sinned more than any of you. Dan aku sangat berharap yang tuhan akan menerima doa aku untuk mereka. Walaupun tuhan menolak doa aku ke atas diri aku.

It's just so sad you know. When you think of them every single day yet they said you're forgetting them just because you don't know how to show how much you care for them.

I just hope that someday, I will never be a parent like what I have.

Blue and Grey.

Overthinking.

I am not buying anymore drama but why is it hurt so much seeing someone you love, have somebody else waiting on them that you make believe to something that is far real that the person will left you guys alone eventually although you know whole heartedly that the person you love, loved you unconditionally what more do you want?

Sigh.

I apparently have to admit that I have these parasites eating my brain.

Kerinduan.

I need to put my phone away and if possible, very far away and grab a book and effing read.

Because I have been missing my old self too much.

Too much.

Kelopak Rasa - Usman Awang, 1964.

Jika rasa ini seperti angin malam

bertiup dari laut dan gunung

melampaui tanah-tanah subur dan ladang menghijau

hati ini akan menghembuskan bahagian yang melimpah

bergetar bagai riak di tasik hati bulan cerah

kepada setiap benda supaya semua sama mencecah.

Ambillah sebahagian dari rasa ini, terimalah

seperti hati yang kini mengerdip terserlah

keringkan air matamu, setitis jangan tumpah

biar kolam derita kering dan tak seorang pun 

meski pengemis di bawah jambatan dan lorong

merasa sepi dan menatap dunia serba kosong.

Dari sekuntum bibir dan sepasang mata hitam

bertunjang erti rasa: pedih- luka bahagia-ria

Itulah alam hati yang menumbuhkan pohon rasa

kelopak demi kelopak menjelma meniti musim

Bahagia, anugerah keramat, alangkah manisnya pagi ini

datang mendakapku dan biarlah ia selamanya menyanyi

pada setiap bibir dan hati

dengan megahnya mengukir kehalusan rasa.

Mumble.

Searching words at this hour with eyes half open, literally, not a good idea. Because, even you are staying up, filling up your blank pages with beautiful phrases and sentences dedicated to your loved one, but in the same time, floating half awake to dreamyland, really, it's not worth it.

I guess I am just staying up again, to fall asleep any time now.

Selamat malam.

A strange stranger.

I remember this one time, where this girl came to me suddenly and talked about everything for few hours. I think I told this before.

Practically she was a rower who came to our college to stay for the game. And she talked about rowing and told me that rowers use most of the muscles when rowing, basically, more than other athletes had ever. I dont know what was that suppose to mean bcs I had a freaking final exam after that day.

It was so random.

The way she talked had convinced me that rowers are awesome and she was awesome and I liked her. I remember in detail on what she told me. Everything. I wasnt really responding. I was listening all the time.

I was feeling really great.

November.

People like me, we don't really appreciate days and months.

People like me, we don't remember dates.

People like me, we don't create moments based on dates.

People like me, we don't celebrate birthdays.

Welcome dear November.
And I can't promise i'll make full of you.
But I will try.