on this platform, trying to release everything that has been going inside my head today. i always find myself being okay with everything and then things will come back to me after awhile and that i will realize and question why people act like i’m nothing, like they dont even consider me bcs i’m always okay. almost all decisions they make, they dont even ask my opinion. dont even care to ask why. and then it’ll be just me and my thoughts. it’s so frustrating and most of the time i just want to quit. there are times when i say i want certain things. i want to prioritise this and that. and what i get is a no. without any rational reason or explanation, without being considered of my being. you know, i’m so tired.

motherhood?

 1. hari ini aku tenung muka anak aku yang tengah fokus tengok tv. sesekali dia menoleh untuk memastikan keberadaan aku. aku terfikir, how am i or us gonna raise this child? aku siap terbayang rupa anak aku makin membesar dan mula sedar, we have to grow too. by growing i mean, in every aspect in life - spiritually, financially, mentally… it’s gonna be hard work. 

2. and by that, seeing where i am now, i start to question myself, am i actually on track? it’s scarier to think that i am far from that. 

3. i don’t like to whine because i’ve been giving a lot more that i’ve asked. but definitely deep inside, i want to do more. like earning more, move out to a bigger house, have a real career, helping more people. suddenly, it feels like what i’m doing now is not as bigger as everyone else. know what i mean?

4. of course i don’t feel the need to be jealous of every single living person but i keep doing this mental battling with my past self, the one who did more for herself, who actually had a clear goal.

5. lol. what am i searching for actually…

6. i think i need to see things in different angle. like, i should see raising a child as an achievement, a hardwork that needs recognition, that i need to treat little task as important as going to the office and get praised by bosses. 

7. also maybe that we moms, are always looking for word/actions of appreciation but never realize that we need to appreciate ourselves more. 

8. upon thinking all of this, i also realized it’s been like ages that i feel fun or when i uttered, ‘this is fun.’ i’m not sure it’s the age or what but by living more it seems to suck up the funs we have in us. 

9. yes we might as well create the fun but for the fun to spontaneously exist upon us, hit us, is hardly. even if it does, it’s short. happiness is short, i guess? oh well. the farther i rambles, the lost i’ve become. 

10.  despite all, i’ve found the cause. that’s the goal. 

is this gonna be a long ass post? we’ll see.

as much as 2 years have passed, i said hello again to my dashboard. i see fewer posts from people i followed here on blogger. or used to be blogspot. well i still type blogspot though when i’m tryna log in. login to my tumblr app to just casually updates on life. ive been actively scrolling on ig and twitter for updates. the world is crazy as usual. 

i have a daughter now. she’s beautiful. i’m so beyond grateful to have her. it makes life more meaningful, fuller, content and everything positive and infinitely doubles.

comes new life, i see my parents aging. they become more sensitive, more softer but sad. they’re happy people. they travel more and creating moments and visiting old friends and families more often now. it’s like seeing them saying goodbyes but for them it’s always one more visit. one more memory.

i hope it’s not anytime soon. i pray everyday for another 20 to 30 or 40 years more. thinking people leaving i might as well stop doing this thinking thing and live in the moment *teary laughing eyes emoji*

i’m ending this post. see you in another few months, maybe.

Twitter drafts. (2021-2020)

 i. This year is all about getting side money when im not looking syukur alhamdulillah.

ii. Japanese is easier probably bcs i know alot more of its vocab than korean… and also how to build longer sentences…

iii. Pilihan masing-masing. Ada orang suka berhutang, ada orang tak suka berhutang. Tu je. 

iv. I will never stop bragging about when we were in countryside somewhere in north japan, our host family played jazz music on their speaker during every meal time.

v. Setahun dah minum pour over pastu had a bad experience dengan moka pot then baru nak come back stronger, ok la tu kan. Walaupun macam pakai induction stove ni punya la susah nak control temp+timing haihhh.*

vi. Expectation: coffee/ice cream at this time while netflix or just talks

Reality: both. working. on. weekend... at this hour...

vii. No one shouldve taken a salary of more than what they need. 

viii. Personal fav: norwegian wood, kafka on the shore, 1Q84, men without women, pinball.

ix. As bizarre as how time and space work, one cannot say that isra mi’raj did not happen.

x. Most kdrama genre crime or fantasy rarely disappoint me. Should list them though.

Side note:

*i started trying ground coffee about a year ago, experimenting different kind of beans and brew methods. it was fun until i had to stop for awhile cause of my current health condition. 

Purpose.

I came across a post from this one travel vlogger i found on youtube. She posted a reel about purpose in traveling. I read the comment section where these people talk about finding purpose. It gives me thinking about my purpose, not necessarily in traveling but not necessarily about life or anything in between either. I did some travel, light or long ones, adventuring, you might say. What’s weird with traveling/adventuring, the feelings stay. People would say i have a strong memory. Couldnt have agreed. I always think that i am not that sentimental kind of person but whenever i talk about things going down the memory lane, i mean my childhood memories, my school years memory, certain memories are so strong i could picture every detail of it like it happened just yesterday. Sometimes i think about when i’m gone, what will/have i leave the world/the people with. Was memories about me worth remembering even in a tiny part of their life. I miss traveling and adventuring. So bad. It really does give you purpose. No matter what kind. Even so, im kinda used to living here and not going anywhere. These days, even meeting a stranger can boost up my mood. I need to see the world again and also at the same time be more patient, a littl bit more. 

Maybe, i’ll come back to this post in 10 years time. Who knows.

So i’ve been thinking about this. How about i work my ass off, be so successful in this industry that i open a new branch outside this f’ed up country and move out.. Build a new empire and only comes back once in a while to visit relatives and stuff. Well, sounds like a plan. 

What's next?

Wow, havent been on this blog for too long. 

Nothing much. Not like someone's reading this though tbh.
Changed status this year to another, if you know, you know. If you guess it, then it is.

Wow,, what..?

Anyway, writing now feels more awkward than ever. I have not really looking forward to life but more to living the moment. I guess.. It's hard to dream without feeling it may or it may not gonna happen the moment you think about it. But life goes on.. Tiber.

Take care, yalls. & stay safe.

3rd night

Missing him is one thing, feeling like you don’t have anyone in this world is another thing. Often, i sorta mixed them all up. 

Missing him is just like standing in the sea of people who cared so much about you, but you are alone.

I always think about this you know.

I do often talk about the unprivileged, the unfairness and stuff but i dont live like them or as much as i try to help them, there’s still more that need help. That sometimes it really does feel like i’m not doing enough. Tried to come up with reasons but they sound more like excuses.

I have discovered one thing about me. That i carry the empathy inside me more than i should. To the extend that it kinda gives me heavy boots. It drains me. The thought of not being able to give enough help is constantly killing me.

Must be annoying isnt it to read this because I’m not showing progression but only whine about it. Kinda sounds like whining. Or that i only care but I’m also kinda helpless.

Just like those people who thought they bring awareness to the others but they just merely talking. Do you think it’s the fight? Do you think you’re winning?

You cannot say that because you dont live like them. You dont end your day with an empty stomach thinking what you’re gonna eat for tomorrow if you’re still alive. Being them, is about when it’s gonna be the last day. Because living is so hard. You dont know. We dont know. It’s sad.

What a privilege life we’re living. Thinking about it makes me tired already. How do i stop this thought?

Let’s talk, talk.

 i. Tbh, i write everywhere. It’s messed up. Anyone, everyone can just take my words as theirs i dont really care. What’s even there anyway? There’s nothing like originality. It’s bullshit. 

ii. Tonight sort of the night that i should have a nonstop  conversation. But no one is available. So eat shit? I guess. 

iii. What’s the point of making this roman bullets when i just write what i want without thinking of stopping or even selecting a topic. Help. 

iv. Promised myself not to take coffee in the evening but well, i did it again today. Hence, the restless thoughts, this helpless brain  

v. Kinda want to sum up today but i actually already wrote almost everything somewhere else. I have this way of saying the same thing over and over again but express it in different way every time. That makes it, telling all but not really. What the hell

vi. I hate spicy foods that I cant tolerate with. It just ruins everything. 

vii. Being 28, is all about going to bed only after you’ve showered. Be it at 2am  

viii. I am so calm yet extremely restless inside. Also ravenous. 

ix. Was just thinking about stoping time. Probably because i was too happy. What a rare thing to say. But then i realized i need to say that often. Acknowledging the happiness. The cringiness.