August 20, 2017

not new vocabs.

skins, lips, cloudy stares, hairs, hands, fingers, thumping hearts, heavy breathing, tongues, ears, neck, sweat, wet, blood, scars, wails, cigs, sins, and suicide.

August 10, 2017

happy 1 year anniversary, dear self.

hello. long time no write.

it's not actually that long it's just, i used to write 3-4 post a month. dan ini bukan posting sedih.

taknak sound cliche but... life has been very good to me this past months. i am blessed. i am blessed for every little thing that you'd probably be annoyed by now. that sometimes, aku rasa that i dont deserve this much blessings. macam, i am happy but some people are having it worse i feel guilty for having such feelings. i am allowed to but life is a running wheel.

once, a good friend of mine said, "kau bagilah camera apa pun kat sarah, the pictures will turn out good." also, i wrote "i am a fast learner" in my resume. i just wanted to point that out. anyway, i actually prayed hard for a job that specifically has a non-stressful and good environment kinda job, like real hard. my degree doesn't deserve this? well, suck my ass. also, thanks for all the advises and supports i get from lovely people you guys are the real mvp i am so grateful.

meanwhile, here's my 2017 achievements so far because... (i am allowed to.)

ps// 5th: gained weight also lost 0.7kg later on. 7th: not yet achieved but insyaAllah.
pps// funny as we turned older, we no longer talk much about who gets better marks but who gets better pay/opportunity/career. i always find it exhausting to talk about people.

July 13, 2017


halfway July i realized i need to set new goals. or really just take goals seriously.

come to think of it, does success mean running a business and have shitload of money? el-o-el. i dont know anymore.

patutlah orang cakap, you are what your circles are. bukan orang biasa biasa cakap, imam syafie also said so, sahabat nabi, successful people you name it. also in this case, people you follow on social media. your 'friends' on social media. it's weird tho sebab people are so different there.

being where i am now, looking back, i dont know what i really want anymore. seeing people showing off how successful they are, i dont know IF i am getting somewhere. of course, aku belajar something. but, is this it? i'm not lost but also i am not there. not yet. perhaps, jauh lagi.

aku yang tak sabar ke? atau people are moving too fast? or is it only happen to certain people?

of questions yang tak ada jawapan.

June 14, 2017


i. masih relevant kah untuk miserable at the age of 25? especially when you have steady job, a place to stay, sufficient amount of money, friends and family? guess i need to be thankful often.

ii. i thought i got it all good. macam, why do i have to be a girl? with emotions.. oh god.

iii. pernah sekali, atau beberapa attempts untuk aku jadi someone other than myself. guess what? i regret it a lot.

iv. i just dont really share things with people on socmed. i do sometimes but i'd feel the need to delete it later.

v. and why am i still up at 1 am i do not know.

May 30, 2017

rndm thghts.

i. i found myself reading to the same blog entry almost as ritual. it's fascinating to the extent of how much it affects my writings these days.

ii. not that i'd write often but that's just how things are.

iii. anyway, i found murakami isnt as cool as the murakami i used to read.

iv. also, i found stephen chbowsky doppleganger. i hope he is. or better. lets just pray for that.

v. i fold bed covers and use it as a pillow. it's so comfortable i'd suggest everyone to try it.

vi. it's ramadhan 4th. i'm doing better, hoping for everyone too.

vii. a year and a half after kakak's marriage, there will be ika's. and abah is asking me when is my turn more often now.

viii. i dont feel like i'm gonna get through marriage, not until i turn 30. it's scary to have that thought. that i'm not gonna get married soon, not in a year or two but more.