October 21, 2016

seketul 'bean'

i have so many things happened in my life this whole week. and i should have write a thing in a single post at least but i failed. i refused to. malas.

i've been on this blog like every day. you see, i have so many free times to kill but then i just stared at the dashboard, viewed my pageviews, or read people's posts only when theywere worth my seconds. i want to write tapi i failed to construct the words beautifully or you could say sedap enough to read.

i don't really like brainstorming, on everything. though it sort of helps my brain.

anyway, kakak had delivered a beautiful princess yesterday. how time flies, right? i felt like i just wrote about her marriage yesterday. so i thought i'd share few photos of her cute baby and i can't wait for our first meeting ever!

isnt she the prettiest?

October 17, 2016

i need a break, desperately

dan segala rahmat yang telah kau berikan, hati ini masih menginginkan lebih dari yang sepatutnya. ampunkan hati ini, tuhan.

October 14, 2016

icon fashion my ass

honestly, i dont really spoil myself with material things to get the best look of me from the outside. for instance, pretty outfits. somehow, there's a person who really like to shower me with this kind of thing.

it's not that i hate it. who's crazy enough to not like free stuff? i just do not prefer it, more like it'll be the last thing i want on my list. if you really wanna buy me things, really, just procure me a book or a plant or a bicycle or a camera or any cute tools that i can improve myself inside out instead of wasting money on clothes.

it's not a big deal though. i just feel like everyone is making a mannequine out of themselves. showing off their pretty clothes, walking in them not knowing who they really wanna be in which they'd rather be anyone but them. it's heartbreaking. the famous instagrammers are winning. and i'm not happy.

butter. fly.

i. scanning through list of houses or rooms to be rented, i realized i don't need this shit. well, maybe not this instant. i still have few more months to think it thorough. so, classy condo or executive apartment?

ii. i'm just not making sense. i just did a practice on how to use through and thorough correctly. and made myself clearer.

iii. not having a car is good. having a car is good too. especially when you only have to commit on its maintenance. either way, i really enjoy my time alone these days.

iv. i mean look at me, i'm all happy walking from home to work and repeat. i can see people. probably judge them if it's necessary. this is a small city with shitload of people. it's amazing.

v. i love what i'm doing now. my heart is growing. bigger than the past. probably bigger than yours. you cannot defeat me with your hates. because i am so full and content and healing and pretty things. and love. a lot of love.

October 12, 2016

i am not quite myself anymore

after a long period of time, aku cuba untuk sentiasa, setiap hari, berfikir perkara yang baik-baik. boleh dikatakan, bermula terbit fajar sehingga terbit fajar esoknya. dan ia telah menjadi rutin. if anyone ever tried to ruin it, aku akan cuba sedaya aku untuk masih berfikir yang baik-baik. it's been a year now. it's good. it feels good. but i do have cheat days. macam work out. sometimes, you gotta have cheat days. this is more like a mental workouts. and today had become one of those cheat days. i want to rip my chest open and pull everything out. i mean, literally. i cant cry. a year before it was so easy. am i already become so comfortable with happiness? i can feel a crack from the inside, like a very heavy load but i cant throw it out no matter how hard i try. like myself wont let me. it hurts. it hurts so much that i dont have tears for it. this body of mine is changing itself to something i barely know of.

train thoughts

sometimes, i think about what we're having now, or my feelings. all at once. do old couples have the same feeling i felt? or at least once in their lifetime? i was thinking, is this really my decision?

aku macam nak cakap tapi taknak cakap.

... Lol.

this train sucks. lets just end it here.

October 5, 2016

the art of pure loyalty

knowing someone you loved, texting and flirting with others breaks your heart. tapi aku pun bukan baik sangat. i think loyalty is never fulfilled. i mean, talk about pure loyalty, a perfect definition atau fahaman of loyalty. pets are loyal. pets are honest.

human tak. human is the proportional of that. what to do? we're all made up of good values but we chose to be the opposite of it.

i think the highest possibility of loyalty one can achieve is 98%. mesti akan ada 1 or 2 lies and dishonest act kan? like, flirtationship in the absence of their girl or boy. and the weakest excuse had ever crossed my ears was "i didnt mean it." (???)

-- 16th June 2016.

October 1, 2016

be like me, always be like me

i. let me tell you one thing, the world is stuffed with engineers. you are not special. you are just a tool for a company. stop making like you are so important to society. it makes me wanna throw up, so bad.

ii. have i told you that i hate almost 80% of people i know in my real life? now you know.

iii. i could always block these people right? i could pretend like they dont exist, like i have some brain damage, like i just diagnosed with amnesia.

iv. it's hard to find people who keep inspiring others by not mentioning who they are. because they only think about others feeling, of what if they are in other's shoes. like, people like me.

v. in the end, i am the good example i talked about. yes. because i dont have to go to instagram or twitter just to brag about how good it feels to be the engineer, that i make everyone feels less powerful than i am.

vi. it's good to be the person who cares. it's good to be the person who didnt wear the heavy boots other's might having but clever enough to understand.

v. seriously though walk with your head down low but your brain up high so you dont get your brain stuck up your arsehole. it would be embarassing.