i am not quite myself anymore

after a long period of time, aku cuba untuk sentiasa, setiap hari, berfikir perkara yang baik-baik. boleh dikatakan, bermula terbit fajar sehingga terbit fajar esoknya. dan ia telah menjadi rutin. if anyone ever tried to ruin it, aku akan cuba sedaya aku untuk masih berfikir yang baik-baik. it's been a year now. it's good. it feels good. but i do have cheat days. macam work out. sometimes, you gotta have cheat days. this is more like a mental workouts. and today had become one of those cheat days. i want to rip my chest open and pull everything out. i mean, literally. i cant cry. a year before it was so easy. am i already become so comfortable with happiness? i can feel a crack from the inside, like a very heavy load but i cant throw it out no matter how hard i try. like myself wont let me. it hurts. it hurts so much that i dont have tears for it. this body of mine is changing itself to something i barely know of.