September 16, 2015

as if you would read.

reading back to our conversation, i realized, how i messed everything up just to make sure that i wasn't at fault. i tried so hard to put whatever the blame on you when i was the one who changed. sorry? sorry means nothing now. sorry now is like those haze you inhaled in this stink city. at least that's what i think.

kadang aku terfikir, terlalu banyakkah dosa yang aku lakukan sampai aku di uji begini? i tried balancing sins with my good deeds. i guess that didn't work. mungkin pahala yang aku cari, tak setimpal dengan dosa yang aku dah lakukan. mungkin aku kaburi mata aku dengan, 'ah takpe. God forgives.' bertaubat dulu. terima atau tak, belakang cerita. and i ended up doing the same mistake when i know truly, a mistake done twice is not a mistake anymore. it's a choice. and i chose to be sinned.

i'm sorry, even if you can't accept this apology. please don't act nice to me, ever. because i don't deserve it. i never were.

September 12, 2015

dear God, i give up.

choosing a title is like writing an abstract for a project report, you have to finish the report first and prepare for the abstract but you put that abstract right after the front page of your report do you get what i mean?

anyway, i cannot tell anyone, any of my real life friends on how much i've cried lately because things just got out of control. how my head's tied up over the things i should not think about but i did that i feel like it's going to explode anytime soon.

i cried and cried and cried and probably going to cry later like i'm the only one suffering this God's test.

nevermind anyway. i sinned. i deserve whatever it takes.

let me tell you a secret.

sedang aku menghulur tangan perlahan nak mencapai teh tarik, abah memecah kesunyian dengan bertanya,
"budak lelaki yang haritu, ada call awak? siapa nama dia?"
"s."
"nampak macam serious. lelaki kalau dia jumpa family tu maknanya dia dah serious tu." sambil memandang tepat ke arah aku.

aku melarikan pandangan seolah-olah barisan pokok dan kerusi yang bersusun tak bernyawa lebih lucu untuk diperhatikan.

"awak serious tak?"
"habiskan dulu belajar, abah." sambil mengukir senyum kelat.

yet i still cannot believe myself, how can i be so stupid?