July 31, 2016

kau hanya akan rasa masa tu berjalan terlalu lambat bila kau sunyi. kadang aku harap aku akan terus sunyi. untuk apa bahagia jika hanya sementara? i guess it's only me. i guess it's always gonna be me.

July 28, 2016

nombor-nombor roman (ii)

i. aku sendiri penat membaca blog sendiri. why would anyone read this shit?

ii. orang kata job is job. you don't have to love your job. i think the word overtime only means that you're just failed to finish your job on time. hence, the overtime.

iii. i need to always remind myself, gaji bukanlah cara kau mempamerkan kejayaan.

iv. how do you retrieve accidentally deleted post?

July 27, 2016

cerdas yang bodoh.

semasa aku khusyuk meniti perkataan-perkataan Andrea Hirata tentang kecerdasan dan kebodohan, i came across two figures i read in Steve Jobs or seen in that movie. Steve Wozniak dan Steve Jobs.

Wozniak is Jobs best friend or who you could put it as a person who knows Jobs better than anyone else. dalam dunia ni, ada bermacam jenis kepandaian dan kebodohan. Wozniak is an engineer at Hewlett-Packard. while Jobs, was the owner or founder of Apple. they both made the computer. dua jenis manusia. Woz is a hobbyist. Jobs was a realist. they shared the same interest, electronics.

jadi, ada orang yang cerdas tapi terlalu kecut pada risiko, terlalu merasakan dirinya kerdil, dia settle pada tempat yang dia rasa selesa. ada juga orang yang cerdas tetapi dia sangat opportunis dan bersedia menerima apa jua risiko.

jadi cerdas anda yang mana? cerdas yang bodoh atau cerdas yang bijak?

July 25, 2016

and like other prayers, this one goes in between god and i.

'apa kau rasa kalau kau ni cukup beriman, jaga solat, jaga amal tapi kau end up dengan orang yang buat semua benda ala kadar dan anggap remeh tentang apa yang kau percaya?'

'...'

'sedangkan tuhan sendiri kata perempuan-perempuan yang baik untuk lelaki-lelaki yang baik..'

'tak tahu. mungkin aku hanya perlu anggap yang aku tak cukup bagus untuk dia. mungkin dalam perkara lain, dia lebih bagus dari aku. tuhan tak kata baik bermaksud hanya dalam satu perkara, right?'

'that makes sense... makes sense enough that you're actually making this up during your maghrib prayer.'

July 24, 2016

the truth runs wild, like a tear down a cheek.

i. i thought maybe, god were telling me to fix myself first. i thought maybe i'm strong enough for myself.

ii. people around me, they were rooting on good guys coming home and pick up them like picking up princesses for a ball. while i am sitting here feeling like a beast no one would care for.

iii. jika hari ini adalah hari di mana semua orang dihisab, maka esok pasti aku ditempatkan di neraka.

iv. if i knew asking for forgiveness could be this hard, i could've avaoid as many sins i'd encounter. forgive me, self.

July 23, 2016

ikut hati, mati.

of course, ada hati yang kita lukai luar sedar kita. "if i wanna go cruising for two years or more, what would you do?" i asked. dan soalan itu mati susur detik tanpa jawapan.

untuk kali ini tuhan, berikan aku jawapan.

July 22, 2016

[11:49]

logged in to my dashboard just to find out yesterday's traffic was uncanny. i didn't do something wrong did i?

anyway, that spirit of fired up to find a job is degrading right now. that's some progress isn't it? somehow, i keep telling myself i have to find money so i get to pay the bills. bukan lah banyak pun tapi ada sesuatu yang dalam diri kau kata, enough of depending on your parents for the bills they don't make even if it's not much. Abah doesn't really care if i don't have a job. bak kata Mak, he'd rather have his daughters at home than go to work. pernah sekali Abah cakap yang perempuan bekerjaya gedik. that's why Mak tak pernah bekerja lepas kahwin, kecuali kerja di rumah. i reckon.

that's why she started her nasi lemak and kuih-muih business at home. duduk rumah saje-saje is boring as hell i tell ya. the most eligible thing i can think of is khidmat for Abah and Mak. niat baik, fikir positif. at least you don't duduk saje-saje di rumah, i thought.

next week is Izzy's wedding. i don't have transport and it's freaking above 100kms away. plus, malas nak hadap kawan-kawan yang dah bekerjaya. probably everyone's going to ask you, Sarah kerja mana shits. well, the journey has not yet ended. one day, imma show you what rezeki really looks like and what patience really means.

July 19, 2016

f(or) you, a thousand times over.

i. i think i'm getting older. it's showing.

ii. aku perasan, every time aku go somewhere during the day, sampai rumah, aku terus akan mencari katil to sleep, instantly. i can just shut my eyes and sleep.

iii. anyway, started my day by went to the clinic and then to kelana jaya business park after that to tesco mutiara damansara. thank god the weather was just nice, tak panas.

iv. living with a newly married couple, is so. fucking. awkward. because you're not married yet. and you cant stand lovey dovey stuff evenso it's not that obvious. o' lord, grant me good thoughts and good thinking. amen.

v. today's interview is a little bit better. a little bit. congrats, self.

July 16, 2016

mengira. detik.

i told myself, if you wanna write, write seriously. and so i deleted my twitter just to find out someone else is logging in back again.

aku penat dengan drama manusia. yes, they're morons and it's funny to watch. but watching them everyday? i'd rather not. dan di facebook, keadaannya masih sama. semua orang (termasuk aku), cuba untuk control all of the situations. masing-masing cuba sehabis kudrat melontar hujah seolah dia sahaja yang betul. no one wants to read. no one ever wants to care.

mungkin aku hanya belong here dekat blogger?

oh fuck. i have interview to attend tomorrow.

July 14, 2016

day 19 at home

i. when you feel like you have to keep yrself updated with people's lives, remember that you don't have twitter anymore.

ii. friends come and go. and i have a very strong instinct that you are that kind of friend who'll leave.

iii. kalaupun kau dapat offer kerja gaji tinggi and you rejected it because of the reason kos sara hidup tinggi di area tempat kerja kau, you don't have to tell me exactly when you knew i was offered quite a satisfied salary. what kind of human are you? thinking highly of yrself and sending negative vibes to me?

iv. on the positive side of it, i love my family. sekurang-kurangnya they keep on supporting whatever decision i made.

v. i definitely need more girl friends. searching won't be so hard kan? hopefully.

vi. aku ego dan keras kepala? heard it couple of times. not a new thing to me.

July 10, 2016

several things i would hide

few months before, we had a kitten and named it Ringgo. it's a weird name Amin gave. what happened was, Ringgo died. kena cacing. i read up on the internet that it's normal for kittens to get infected. either by their mom's milk atau because of the lices or because they are actively outside.

anyhow, Ringgo was so cute. anak kucing sihat mana yang tak comel ya tell me. apa yang buat aku sangat marah adalah how everyone reacted at that time. semua orang gave up on him. mak brought him to the vet, one time. one time people. he didn't survive. it was so sad that Ringgo cried faintly every time someone approached him. sedih.

on the first of syawal, that afternoon, he died. poor Ringgo. i feel bad because i couldnt do anything. i feel bad because everyone gave up on him. cats go to heavens too right?

July 9, 2016

Meh

i. you try to be what people would say, mature. i'd say, good luck with that.

ii. tak plan untuk menulis in points but ended up sure i have so many things to talk about.

iii. hidup tak bekerja adalah sangat bosan. there. i said it.

iv. i'm still in doubt imagining myself going to work. apa yang aku sangat suka buat sebenarnya?

v. sedang menahan nafsu untuk tidak menyakitkan hati sendiri dengan mengambil tahu perihal hidup orang lain. sabar, sabar.

vi. sebenarnya, our point of view can be different from each other. kau kena accept my view even if you don't like it. and i'm accepting yours even not a single word i'd liked about it. that doesn't mean i have to agree to whatever you say. dah besarkan? jangan lah fikir pakai kepala lutut, hawau.

July 7, 2016

raya 2016, day one

seperti raya-raya lepas, susun aturnya lebih kurang sama. yang lain cuma mak dan abah yang semakin dimamah usia. sepupu dan saudara mara yang bertambah umurnya, dan masing-masing yang semakin lama semakin jauh. seolah ada barrier antara kami padahal masa kecil dulu macam isi dengan kuku. on top of that, we grow closer to the people we were not so close before. see, people come and go.

diumur 24 tahun, aku masih lagi menerima duit raya. aint that amazing?

last year's raya, we talked about our other mother having her children wore the same baju raya like the year before, dalam timeframe yang agak lama. it happened every year. this year, kami pula yang recycle baju. bukan baju raya but baju yang baru sekali pakai tahun ni. see, karma's a bitch.

other than that, aku tak rindu pada momen-momen sewaktu degree. sungguh. sama ada ia adalah bad moments or hanya persahabatan yang dibina atas certain tujuan. tak apa. berikan peluang pada diri untuk hadam semua benda ni. walaupun aku selalu cuba positif by saying that these guys are the persons who're gonna give syafaat to you soon in akhirah. said, i'm sure there's positive side of it.

haih.. bercakap dengan diri sendiri is not healthy at all.

July 5, 2016

raya post(?)

sempena raya or end of this ramadhan, i wanna list out several things i regret doing:

i. knowing a character so well i ended up dealing with it every day for the whole year.

ii. i did not ignore things i should have.

iii. i cared too much of my own feelings, compared too much, jealous over things that were not mine.

iv. i was too stupid to actually care.

v. i did not see beyond the hardships and struggles.

vi. questioned about fate. questioned about rezeki. questioned about hardworks. compared, compared and compared.

somehow, i feel grateful. because of all the things listed, i managed to create a better me. sekurang-kurangnya i can see what i'm lacking and learn. i see myself at the worst, at the bottom. "connecting the dots," aite?

July 4, 2016

unimportant.

how do you totally forget the one who taught you how to love? how?

you can't. the thought of him floats and always there. it just shows up out of nowhere. it's lucky to be you, i thought. because somehow, somewhere, you're living in someone's memory, for a very, very long time.

July 1, 2016

things been turned out well, so far.

i. adding s'more blog to your reading list also means more judging and arguing sesh with self, Sarah.

ii. it looks like i can almost control all of my desires to tell some people how much blessings i got lately. which means, i don't need that kind of attention from people. and this calls for celebration, definitely.

iii. untuk semua para lelaki di luar sana yang berfikir (termasuk dear self) bahawa perempuan tidak boleh (atau limited in terms of energy/commitment) belerja dalam bidang maintenance, if i got the chance (which i really hope) i'm gonna show the world i can.

iv. if you dont get it, suck it.

v. if you still dont get it, SUCK IT.

vi. o' life. it's so good.