What happens?

It always turned out crap when I started to think about writing something. Like a very commonly topic people talk everyday. It keeps on running around my head like I'm so gonna write this thing and then this and that and eventually, it'd be only saved to draft. I mean what is wrong with my brain(?)

Mungkin menulis telah menjadi suatu yang sukar untuk aku. By mean sukar is, aku telah hilang jiwa pada ia. Seperti aku kehilangan jiwa pada membaca. Aku masih membaca, cuma aku tidak jumpa perasaan yang pernah aku ketemu suatu masa dahulu. Perasaan dahaga pada kata-kata, pada perkataan-perkataan baru, pada keinginan menggali maksud maksud sentences. Aku mungkin dah hilang banyak peratus yang pernah aku simpan, rasa itu.

Bukan senang nak mendalami, menghayati sesuatu tulisan jika kita tiada hati pada ia. Kadang kadang aku rindu pada rasa itu. Rasa terbuai-buai di dalam imaginasi sendiri memahami bait bait ayat. It was like you were literally, right in that scene invisibly. And it felt awesome.

Masa tak pernah bersalah. Cuma aku yang tak mahu mencari masa memahami buku. Maaf.

What happens when you let someone in.

You'll start to feel weak.
Yes, like when you used to go against all the people, you're so rebellious but when it comes out of your mom's mouth, you're so an angel-like. So it does to this one particular person whose you've opened your heart to. You're scared to death that they might leave you become weak. You wanted them to stay so bad like when it rains, a comforting song's on shuffle and you don't wanna it to end.

You'll start to feel that not seeing them for a day is like not breathing.
You'll find 1001 ways to

I think I've lost a friendship.

What is friend?
What is like to have a long distance friendship?
What is like to have a long lasting friendship?

Before you wanna build a ship with me, you should know that I am no pro than anyone else that I think you just wasting your time because in the end, you're gonna be the one that broken.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm the worst friend you can count in your life. Because first, I don't make contact with you but you. And second, I don't really reply to your text unless you are funny and cute at the same time. I'm strictly avoiding annoying people and texts like, 'ssup babe whtcha doin' or 'have you eaten?'. I am more like, anything random but still makes sense and out of the usuality.

I'm the kind of friend where you find me and you share yr problems with me without I have to ask you what is your problem. Come to me and hit me and rage whatever it is if you wanna stick yrself to this kind of boat. And you can't butthurt whenever I ignore you because just face it, you are boring as hell.

I'm sorry if I ever hurt any of my friends (or maybe right now, were) because I'm just being me. A true friend is a friend where you can go out at 2 am walking around the neighborhood because you're broken as hell. I don't push you to that state like literally but simply, you're too comfortable to be with. And I like you like very very very much.

And I'm sorry if I ever felt awkward with you because eventhough we have like really thousand years of friendship, if i still have that feeling, then I guess I'm not comfortable with you, I can't. You fail to breakthrough my walls.

Don't just literally put a high hope in a friendship because if you're the only one trying to keep it look like you have a friend, then don't. Find the one that you can tell everyone about. 'Hi this is my adorable bestfriend i know everything about him/her,' kind of friend. People are mostly jerks, so choose the one that not.

Humans are weird. Ever since I brought myself so into this lovey dovey shit, I always get myself confuse about everything. I forgot who I was and how I react to people before I changed. Of course everyone changes when we fall in love. Everyone does.

I find myself very aware of the consequences I'd get when I decide on something. On very particular things, I do this often.

Kuat.

Belum sempat aku memegang gitar, minda aku sudah ligat bertengkar untuk mentelaah. Aku jadi takut pada cita-cita yang aku sendiri bina. Takut kepada kejatuhan, kekalahan. Takut pada hari esok keseluruhannya. Kenapa? Kenapa hidup hari ini untuk takut pada hari esok?
Buntu.

Aku penat, berfikir. Usaha yang aku kumpul, akhirnya menjadi kata kosong seperti, "bukan rezeki lah tu." Apa aku tak layak menerima rezeki?

Tuhan, andai kata rezeki yang bakal aku terima beruntung atas usaha yang aku raih, tabahkan lah hati ini. Dan jika ianya, pada tanggapan hati kebanyakan tidak, maka tabahkan lah juga hati ini. Kerana mungkin rezeki itu, telah ditetapkan untuk aku pada hikmah yang paling baik.