October 25, 2015

sigh.

i. he said that it has been 7 months. or maybe 9 because i'm not sure and people know that i hate tracking dates and simple things. or maybe things that i refuse to remember.

ii.  have you ever feel disgust with yourself of the things you wish you didn't do? because i do, all the time.

iii. you cannot just simply test people, sarah. especially on their loyalty, or pride. you can't

October 18, 2015

of being friends with ex(es)

"saya tahu yang dah lepas tu, biarkan lah dia pergi. saya redha. tapi takkan jadi kawan pun tak boleh?"

maybe sometimes, you have to be cruel in order for someone to move on with their life. or maybe you're just afraid to hurt the one you always love. above all, you just don't want to hurt yourself. you refused to let go. you refused to be alone.

October 12, 2015

once again, everyone. i've became the person i told myself i would never be.

bila kau rasa kau boleh handle semuanya dan kau sedang mempertimbangkan kesan-kesan yang bakal kau terima tetapi perancangan tuhan itu lebih cepat dan tepat maka kau sendiri terkandas dalam jerat yang belum sempat engkau sendiri pasang. sebab tu orang cakap, what you give, you get back. what you plan to give, you'll get it first in no time. salah niat, sarah.

October 9, 2015

thoughts

i. i am actually in the middle of writing a report that should be submitted asap. but, i couldn't resist myself to lurk on people's blog.

ii. i've lost track on how much i've uttered 'fuck meghan trainor' while listening to her song featuring john legend. like, i am supposed to hate this song because it's a love song you'd love to sway with your spouse.

iii. maybe i'll stop thinking how much you really meant to me. like when people told me how much i meant to them. like when they shared their stories with me. like when they asked me about my opinion where i feel belonged to.

October 8, 2015

well, fuck. bila kadar kelajuan internet negara kau terlalu perlahan hinggakan lagu yang sepatutnya bermain selama 5 minit menjadi 10 minit. classic, i've been listening to classical music these days.

funny, when you're in the middle of a crowd and everyone's laughing about whatever the others doing and you're there, spacing out thinking about the moment you've treasured but now they're all gone with him.

anyway, i was really looking forward for the upcoming weekend. but right now, i wish i didn't say that it's okay for him to come along with us. he just made me wanna feel more like killing myself.

October 3, 2015

karma had me and you can laugh at me real hard

i have come to my senses that i miss you and that i regret leaving you that i wish i could turn back time and change everything and that i was wrong on everything.

but it doesn't work that way. it won't.

October 1, 2015

you know Aria?

i stopped reading haruki murakami because the last book i read entitled colorless tsukuru tazaki, was sort of trash. it gives you a sort of feeling that life is cruel but you have to think that it's not always like that, which i hate about. but that's not the thing because the story i want to tell you is about Aria.

Aria was a sweet, sweet girl whose mind was always wondered and full with curiousness. she loved asking question about the stars and universe and the creator and human emotions and religion and things that a normal human being would probably jump over that sort of questions. every. religious. person. would.

maybe i'd skip to the part to where she fell in love and all of her wonderfulness had been suck out of her with the person who entered her life and had ignored her that she was left devastated and died alone.

poor Aria. it's just a matter of time when love is nothing but an empty pool of burned up hard-floor it dries up anything that goes into it. like a black hole. like a black heart.

things had turned up equal.

i. the past two weeks, had been a good thing ever happened to me. i went to Japan with fully sponsored and met few awesome people. despite of what i've been through, berbaloi lah dengan travel 8 hari penuh memori. dan aku tidak pula bercadang untuk berkongsi apa-apa gambar di sini semasa aku berada di sana.

ii. the thing with heart, you can't really control it. if you did, it's either you'd hurt yourself or the people around you. and as for me, i'd rather choose hurting myself. i've a lot to be kept up and filled, and that i turned myself into someone who refused to open up. it's like you put a lights up cracker in your throat but it just won't blow up. and before i knew it, i've become a masochist.

iii. how do you give up on yourself? how do you stop yourself from missing people who had left you? how do you get back your missing pieces? mungkin jawapan kepada persoalan-persoalan aku tadi letaknya pada sehampar prayer mat. aku butuh waktu. dan orang-orang disekeliling aku are pushing me to the extend that i start to hate myself for the choices i've made. it's unfair, yes. but i deserve it somehow.