You're just, not bad enough.

If you never try smoking, you're not bad enough.
If you're not a coffee drinker, you're not bad enough.
If you don't hate everyone, you're not bad enough.
If you never lie, you're not bad enough.
If you never break yr heart, you're not bad enough.
If you never leave, you're not bad enough.
If you never hurt others, you're not bad enough.
If you never were alone, you're not bad enough.
If you never hate yrself, you're certainly,
not bad enough.

Believe.

I have always believe that to write, you need to experiencing. That's when the risk comes, you have to take it, face it. And if it turns out wrong, fix it if you can. When you can't, learn from it. When it breaks yr heart, you're alive. You're going through it. You're experiencing. That is really okay, because eventually, you know you'll be just fine. You're way stronger than what you can take, right?

Sigh.

Some afternoons are like 8am in the morning I'd love to have my coffee again. And this afternoon, I feel glad I'm breathing the kinda chills that morning have, and the room is losing its light. I'm guessing, it's gonna pour.

I want to go home in your arms.

Rambling #2

I've always wanted to write a book. But not the kind of book where there comes the money. Because commitment is where the responsibility lies. Everyone knows I'll never be a good friend to commitment.

It's been three days I'm at home. I'm bored already. But half of the house needs to be settled. Moving to places is hard. Packing and unpacking all the way. Why do we have to do that? It doesn't even make things easier because you have to reorder stuff and all that. It's tiring.

I've been laying in bed since I had my breakfast. I'm doing nothing. And great. Unproductive. Just, let me stay here and think how many seconds have I killed and regret.

Finding self.

I flipped through pages. I read as many as possible. Why is it hard to form just one sentence? Why it isn't coming?

So I thought, maybe you've brought all the poems in me with you. Maybe I've changed. And with that, I shall not crave for who I was.

I'm changing and it's okay. I'm experiencing and it's okay. I am happy with changeness. And with that, I can see more of myself.

Let it be.

Open up your past posts. Reading it. And found. That, mistakes.

Don't. Don't erase that. Don't ever think of repairing it. Don't change the sentence. Don't reorder. Don't delete. Don't add up. Just, don't.

Because the feeling will be different. Because it's just beautiful in its way with those meanings despite those mistakes. Because the time now, and before are different. Because now, your feel is, undo the mistake, but before, it was all about how you feel that you don't really care about how you did the mistake.

So, don't. Let it be.

One fine evening.

I've been spacing out lately. Listening to the same album, on endless loop.

And on one fine evening, I received a text message said,

"Sarah. Aku sedih."

And I failed to help. Because you refused to open up. That's okay. Even though, you've been my favourite that I wish I were your fav too. Maybe some things are better left unsaid.

But things changed miraculously. I was falling apart, crumbling and so on. Who should I blame to?

And the song was still on repeat.
And it's still,

on repeat.

Let's just pray.

Aku rasa, semua orang ada iman. Despite hati, jiwa, akal dan emosi. Sampai aku jadi pelik, adakah manusia sudah melupakan iman?

Yang membezakan iman seseorang itu adalah amalannya. Iman itu sifatnya turun naik. Banyak amalnya tak bermaksud tinggi imannya. Sikit amalnya tak bermaksud rendah imannya. Kerana dalam beramal perlu ikhlas, tawadduk, khusyuk, dan consistency untuk mendapatkan iman yang sebenar benar iman. It's quite complicated don't you think?

Aku bukanlah seorang yang tinggi pengetahuannya dalam agama. Tetapi aku jadi pelik, iman itu lawannya adalah nafsu. Dan nafsu tergolong dalam antara sifat manusia. Jadi iman juga sepatutnya berada diantara mereka. Tak ke?

Sebab itu apabila aku melihat para penulis, terutamanya pemuisi, terlupa akan the existence of eeman. Or maybe, well nevermind. I don't want to assume such thing.

It's just that, no matter how heartbroken, so deeply hollow you feel, as long as you remember yr eeman, I think, you can't be so dark inside.

someone else's arms.

He's a brokenhearted.
She's a goner.
He's all depending on the moon.
She's all counting stars.
He's singing a sorrow song.
She's mourning in void.
He's saying hearty words.
She's speaking lies.
He wears his heart on his sleeves.
She wears her smile in believes,
That he belongs in someone else's arms.
And she belongs in someone else's arms.

Rambling.

Think of a resolution.

Think.

Think about it. Think, if you have ever achieved one. Think, if those resolutions are just from those 5 years you went through. Or just keep on getting the list longer and nothing ever crossed since you don't remember when.

And I. I have never plan of anything on the very first day of new years, since SPM. I am that kind of person that fail to plan. I have plans too. I plan based on what and when I feel I want to. Dates don't bother me, not a chance. I'm free to do anything. We are free to do anything. Why we have to follow others? One of my friends once said,  only the dead fish go down follow the stream. 

Excuse me that will not absolutely turning you into one of those hipsters.

I'm just another broken pieces. I'm getting old. I'm happy, sometimes I am just tearing apart I don't know why.

Lorde's voices expanding through the room, rhythmic words that lack of my attentions.

I want to go out and walk around the city with my ear plugged in and free from thoughts of being afraid because our country is not a safe place anymore yet today is public holiday. People are everywhere. And I don't really like that. It's kinda a bad idea.

I scrolled through facebook. Yesterday was someone's birthday. I don't wanna celebrate my birthday. If someone ever think of it, please don't make it so obvious that I refuse to leave my room. Please make me happiest not just in pictures when the time comes.

I want my morning back. I want morning that doesn't end. I want to sleep through the day and wake up only when its morning.

I'm writing this according to voices in my head, which I really want to escape from. Thanks a lot, head.