Side notes.

1. It's been 19 hours that I haven't rest my eyes though I feel absolutely tired.

2. I've always thought that moving on is not just lost contact but rather ignored completely by not talking, not dreaming, not stalking, not thinking even a tiny bit, about that person or on things you say you're moving on to.

3. I have passed my anxiety era therefore whenever I see people with that sickness I'm just sit there and go, "it's okay you're gonna be fine eventually." Just like what Mitch Welling said that we're actually afraid of nothing. You know what I mean?

4. Since when I started taking those tiny happy moments and throw them all in a trash?

5. Ah I'm losing it.

6. Do you know about nerve cells? Do you know cells? Do you know how many they are in our brains? Do you think our brains are big enough that we have so many thoughts that our soul can't even bear? Have you ever thought about that? Yes. It's freaking magic. That's what I'm feeling now. It's a whole cells work in my brain that forced me to lose everything of what I've arranged earlier. Thank you you little shit.

Blessed.

I am grateful that you can feel infinite when you are alone. I am grateful when the chill wind blew and it synced with the second you inhaled. I am grateful with the first tear drop because some people are so nice. I am grateful that i can be there when some fake smiles didn't help much because i know how hard a heart can bear. I am grateful to the beat that rhythms with my thumping heart. I am grateful by the poems heartedly vow by its poet. I am grateful that dawn and twilight exist and the whole in between. I am grateful with all the guts i have are something that give me the good and bad feelings.

I am just so grateful to god to be here now.

The truth about inspiration is, there is no truth.

The worst feeling ever is when you cannot think. Like right now. I've been out of breath for the last few days worrying about things. Aku masih lagi berdiri diantara dua pilihan, not sure which one to choose.

Merunsingkan.

Few weeks have been the tough weeks but I managed to went through. It feels like everyday is such torture because not a single second that I'd left to breathe freely. I don't even know why did I choose to further my study especially in this course.

But truth is, it's not just because of study. Inside me is raging to have something I don't even know what it is. It's tiring. It really is.

So long and goodbye.

This morning had started up quite perplex but whatever it is, I managed to think straight. I deleted some of my social accounts and it feels good. Because having them was tiresome. I had something in me that I wanted everything to keep updated. So I started to brainstorm new ideas. Yes, it's good to think but does it worth? I don't think so.

Have you ever felt alone when surrounded with people? Well I felt that. Even virtually. Because I found sweetness when having real people near. Like human beings not just their thoughts.

Reading and knowing other people's life is annoying. I didn't found any inspiration in my social network cycle's lifes. They were just mundane story and plain people. So I quit. And I hereby to announce that I will never regret it.

It feels good to detached. It really is.

What makes me who I am?

Kebelakangan ini, aku selalu tertanya-tanya apa yang membuatkan aku adalah diri aku. Bertanya pada diri sendiri seperti orang yang baru terjumpa bendasing dalam dirinya; kau siapa?

Kau sebenarnya, siapa?

Apa sebenarnya yang membuatkan kau lain daripada manusia kebanyakan? Instagram engkau kah? Facebook engkau kah? Twitter engkau kah?

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Kau sama. Kau serupa seperti mereka. Kau seperti manusia kebanyakan itu yang menagih perhatian sekelompok yang pura-pura prihatin. Kau adalah cerminan mereka.

Aku perlu lebih masa untuk mencari diri sebenar aku. Perlu lebih masa untuk pergi daripada cerminan yang aku anggap aku adalah diriku padahal bukan. I find this hard but it still is not too late to change right?

What happens?

It always turned out crap when I started to think about writing something. Like a very commonly topic people talk everyday. It keeps on running around my head like I'm so gonna write this thing and then this and that and eventually, it'd be only saved to draft. I mean what is wrong with my brain(?)

Mungkin menulis telah menjadi suatu yang sukar untuk aku. By mean sukar is, aku telah hilang jiwa pada ia. Seperti aku kehilangan jiwa pada membaca. Aku masih membaca, cuma aku tidak jumpa perasaan yang pernah aku ketemu suatu masa dahulu. Perasaan dahaga pada kata-kata, pada perkataan-perkataan baru, pada keinginan menggali maksud maksud sentences. Aku mungkin dah hilang banyak peratus yang pernah aku simpan, rasa itu.

Bukan senang nak mendalami, menghayati sesuatu tulisan jika kita tiada hati pada ia. Kadang kadang aku rindu pada rasa itu. Rasa terbuai-buai di dalam imaginasi sendiri memahami bait bait ayat. It was like you were literally, right in that scene invisibly. And it felt awesome.

Masa tak pernah bersalah. Cuma aku yang tak mahu mencari masa memahami buku. Maaf.

What happens when you let someone in.

You'll start to feel weak.
Yes, like when you used to go against all the people, you're so rebellious but when it comes out of your mom's mouth, you're so an angel-like. So it does to this one particular person whose you've opened your heart to. You're scared to death that they might leave you become weak. You wanted them to stay so bad like when it rains, a comforting song's on shuffle and you don't wanna it to end.

You'll start to feel that not seeing them for a day is like not breathing.
You'll find 1001 ways to

I think I've lost a friendship.

What is friend?
What is like to have a long distance friendship?
What is like to have a long lasting friendship?

Before you wanna build a ship with me, you should know that I am no pro than anyone else that I think you just wasting your time because in the end, you're gonna be the one that broken.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm the worst friend you can count in your life. Because first, I don't make contact with you but you. And second, I don't really reply to your text unless you are funny and cute at the same time. I'm strictly avoiding annoying people and texts like, 'ssup babe whtcha doin' or 'have you eaten?'. I am more like, anything random but still makes sense and out of the usuality.

I'm the kind of friend where you find me and you share yr problems with me without I have to ask you what is your problem. Come to me and hit me and rage whatever it is if you wanna stick yrself to this kind of boat. And you can't butthurt whenever I ignore you because just face it, you are boring as hell.

I'm sorry if I ever hurt any of my friends (or maybe right now, were) because I'm just being me. A true friend is a friend where you can go out at 2 am walking around the neighborhood because you're broken as hell. I don't push you to that state like literally but simply, you're too comfortable to be with. And I like you like very very very much.

And I'm sorry if I ever felt awkward with you because eventhough we have like really thousand years of friendship, if i still have that feeling, then I guess I'm not comfortable with you, I can't. You fail to breakthrough my walls.

Don't just literally put a high hope in a friendship because if you're the only one trying to keep it look like you have a friend, then don't. Find the one that you can tell everyone about. 'Hi this is my adorable bestfriend i know everything about him/her,' kind of friend. People are mostly jerks, so choose the one that not.

Humans are weird. Ever since I brought myself so into this lovey dovey shit, I always get myself confuse about everything. I forgot who I was and how I react to people before I changed. Of course everyone changes when we fall in love. Everyone does.

I find myself very aware of the consequences I'd get when I decide on something. On very particular things, I do this often.

Kuat.

Belum sempat aku memegang gitar, minda aku sudah ligat bertengkar untuk mentelaah. Aku jadi takut pada cita-cita yang aku sendiri bina. Takut kepada kejatuhan, kekalahan. Takut pada hari esok keseluruhannya. Kenapa? Kenapa hidup hari ini untuk takut pada hari esok?
Buntu.

Aku penat, berfikir. Usaha yang aku kumpul, akhirnya menjadi kata kosong seperti, "bukan rezeki lah tu." Apa aku tak layak menerima rezeki?

Tuhan, andai kata rezeki yang bakal aku terima beruntung atas usaha yang aku raih, tabahkan lah hati ini. Dan jika ianya, pada tanggapan hati kebanyakan tidak, maka tabahkan lah juga hati ini. Kerana mungkin rezeki itu, telah ditetapkan untuk aku pada hikmah yang paling baik.