karma had me and you can laugh at me real hard

i have come to my senses that i miss you and that i regret leaving you that i wish i could turn back time and change everything and that i was wrong on everything.

but it doesn't work that way. it won't.

you know Aria?

i stopped reading haruki murakami because the last book i read entitled colorless tsukuru tazaki, was sort of trash. it gives you a sort of feeling that life is cruel but you have to think that it's not always like that, which i hate about. but that's not the thing because the story i want to tell you is about Aria.

Aria was a sweet, sweet girl whose mind was always wondered and full with curiousness. she loved asking question about the stars and universe and the creator and human emotions and religion and things that a normal human being would probably jump over that sort of questions. every. religious. person. would.

maybe i'd skip to the part to where she fell in love and all of her wonderfulness had been suck out of her with the person who entered her life and had ignored her that she was left devastated and died alone.

poor Aria. it's just a matter of time when love is nothing but an empty pool of burned up hard-floor it dries up anything that goes into it. like a black hole. like a black heart.

things had turned up equal.

i. the past two weeks, had been a good thing ever happened to me. i went to Japan with fully sponsored and met few awesome people. despite of what i've been through, berbaloi lah dengan travel 8 hari penuh memori. dan aku tidak pula bercadang untuk berkongsi apa-apa gambar di sini semasa aku berada di sana.

ii. the thing with heart, you can't really control it. if you did, it's either you'd hurt yourself or the people around you. and as for me, i'd rather choose hurting myself. i've a lot to be kept up and filled, and that i turned myself into someone who refused to open up. it's like you put a lights up cracker in your throat but it just won't blow up. and before i knew it, i've become a masochist.

iii. how do you give up on yourself? how do you stop yourself from missing people who had left you? how do you get back your missing pieces? mungkin jawapan kepada persoalan-persoalan aku tadi letaknya pada sehampar prayer mat. aku butuh waktu. dan orang-orang disekeliling aku are pushing me to the extend that i start to hate myself for the choices i've made. it's unfair, yes. but i deserve it somehow.

as if you would read.

reading back to our conversation, i realized, how i messed everything up just to make sure that i wasn't at fault. i tried so hard to put whatever the blame on you when i was the one who changed. sorry? sorry means nothing now. sorry now is like those haze you inhaled in this stink city. at least that's what i think.

kadang aku terfikir, terlalu banyakkah dosa yang aku lakukan sampai aku di uji begini? i tried balancing sins with my good deeds. i guess that didn't work. mungkin pahala yang aku cari, tak setimpal dengan dosa yang aku dah lakukan. mungkin aku kaburi mata aku dengan, 'ah takpe. God forgives.' bertaubat dulu. terima atau tak, belakang cerita. and i ended up doing the same mistake when i know truly, a mistake done twice is not a mistake anymore. it's a choice. and i chose to be sinned.

i'm sorry, even if you can't accept this apology. please don't act nice to me, ever. because i don't deserve it. i never were.

dear God, i give up.

choosing a title is like writing an abstract for a project report, you have to finish the report first and prepare for the abstract but you put that abstract right after the front page of your report do you get what i mean?

anyway, i cannot tell anyone, any of my real life friends on how much i've cried lately because things just got out of control. how my head's tied up over the things i should not think about but i did that i feel like it's going to explode anytime soon.

i cried and cried and cried and probably going to cry later like i'm the only one suffering this God's test.

nevermind anyway. i sinned. i deserve whatever it takes.

let me tell you a secret.

sedang aku menghulur tangan perlahan nak mencapai teh tarik, abah memecah kesunyian dengan bertanya,
"budak lelaki yang haritu, ada call awak? siapa nama dia?"
"s."
"nampak macam serious. lelaki kalau dia jumpa family tu maknanya dia dah serious tu." sambil memandang tepat ke arah aku.

aku melarikan pandangan seolah-olah barisan pokok dan kerusi yang bersusun tak bernyawa lebih lucu untuk diperhatikan.

"awak serious tak?"
"habiskan dulu belajar, abah." sambil mengukir senyum kelat.

yet i still cannot believe myself, how can i be so stupid?

and she said, " hidup ini hukum karma," and chuckled at herself.

when the same mistake happened twice, maybe you should consider yourself first before you start blaming on people.

i did the same mistake now, and that i'm just like the person whom i told myself, i would never be like her.

on a not so bright side

people are sending me honest confessions and apologizes these past few days. and i couldnt care less.

"hey, how's life?"

it hurts to think that a person you once knew is no longer the same one. like everything has changed. almost everything.

rip heart.

maybe opened up to you was never a good idea.