this post does not deserve a title. aku cuma tak mahu ia dilihat janggal tidak bertajuk.

Jadi persinggahan aku di Sabah selama 4 hari tak lah se-best yang aku sangkakan namun tak juga seteruk yang tak pernah terlintas dalam kepala aku.

Sebenarnya aku tak ada tujuan menulis cumanya mungkin rasa tak senang duduk dengan blog yang ditinggalkan lama tak bertulis. entahlah. macam lah ada orang yang menanti tulisan tentang hari-hari banal aku.

anyway, aku dalam fasa membaca tiga buku sekaligus which is not a good routine at all to start reading again. but somehow, i found solace reading to Steve Jobs autobiography. which is very rare. benar lah macam mendiang steve jobs cakap to the writer of his book, "you got this energy to get people to listen to what you're gonna say."

buku kedua adalah hold off-on And The Mountains Echoed written by Khaled Hosseini. the first few 30's pages adalah sangat membosankan. unfortunately, i'm still on that pages.

buku ketiga pula ditulis oleh Hamka Kereta Mayat entitled Syurga something-something. ada awkward scene tentang buku ini yang terjadi pada aku so let's just close off on this one.

dan yang terakhir, which i forgot to mention is an ebook. aku baca ini di Wattpad. Uqasha tajuknya. macam yang Azhar of Terfaktab says sewaktu kami bersarapan di pekan kecil Kundasang, "ada tulisan yang sekadar cerita(kosong), tiada klimaks, atau sebagainya," which i found it just a story. ordinary, quitely with no extra input at all. sekadar bacaan ringan. which makes me want to finish it despite busy schedule. no, because of this busy schedule, i have time to finish it for such lightweight story. yup.

this ain't cheating in writing.

i. she became antisocial because you stopped talking to her. so she chose to stay silent.

ii. i just realized that i cant stand people who talk a lot loudly. i'm getting a headache.

iii. nota ini telah ditinggalkan di dalam draft beberapa hari ini dengan niat untuk kembali padanya dan sambung menulis. unfortunately, it does not work that way. those ideas, they did not come in a way that we expect it to be.

iv. selesai minggu aku dihabiskan di Flora Damansara. somehow, Kuala Lumpur tetap dengan bahang degilnya. "welcome back. we missed you," they would utter.

v. i have to admit, long distance sucks. you don't have time for me, sucks. i dont have time for you, which also sucks. we are too busy living our lives, sucks.

faker alert.

when you never go to starbucks and stopped going to mcdonalds because you are the so called anti jews but when you were offered to work in intel with a starting salary of 2.5k and promised to be paid 3.2k after a year, you went uttered, "sometimes, bukan semua benda boleh dielak."

irony, isn't it?

massive.

i. to be honest, to be reaaaally honest, i'm not ready yet to be a wife.

ii. it's not like it's gonna happen now but the thought of it scares the shit outta me.

iii. i have so many things going around but right now, i'd appreciate myself if i could just shut the fuck up.

iv.  you don't have to be so nice because a success person i knew was not a nice person at all but rather an asshole. he left a company that marked the world history.

v. frustrated over the unseen scholarship money, she mourned about it everyday non stop. later on when it is in her account, she treated her boyfriend and spent all the money to herself. so i guess this is the typical jpa's holders. arent they lucky bitches? quite a good decision that the government stopped giving out the money especially if it meant to be in the hands of these ungrateful people.

vi. i am eager to cut my hair short. very.

can't stop now, have to keep going.

i. here's the thing, youth is only once. so make full of it. get enough rest but not too much because you dont wanna miss on something. wake up early as you can and start brighten up yourself. work hard, play hard, invent hard, pray hard. because you can.

ii. once you slow down, you know the next day you have to boost up no matter what.

iii. i need to always remind myself that i'm gonna end this semester as fruitful as i can.

a start of something not new.

at first it was that i wanted to always remind myself to keep being patient and not complaining, exactly refering to my future post. but then, the feel is not there yet/anymore(?) aku hilang rasa untuk menceritakan those little things yang aku always jot down so one day in the future, i would read it back again. 

you know when you write something because it's something you always loved to do but one day, you are given a task, and you do your best but still it doesnt feel like the best you can do, like it's not working anymore, and you feel like you need a break. 

so now self, do i need one?

unsettled.

i. second time of watching Steve Jobs movie, my friend. second time.

ii. i read through YA's and today, at the age of twenty-four, i have been told to write a response paper. i don't even.

iii. let's talk about something else aside than school life... well. fuck it.

iv. things are moving very slow. and kl is fucking steaming i hate it here very much.

v. you know, forget it. 15 minutes of exactly thinking everything to write but end up with particularly not so much. i hate to be in this room.

i hope this one settles for the longest.

they say, this age will probably the phase that nothing works out for you. it's not that you cannot do it but everyone is probably doing better than you. aku tak tahu whether i should believe it or not. being twenty-four is scary enough.

dan jalan yang telah ditetapkan mungkin tak selurus jalan mereka. dan mungkin lebih baik daripada apa yang ada. he once said, "belum sampai setahun menganggur, tak perlu menggelupur." i know he was quite mad.

i hate being in this circle. mungkin abah juga pernah merasai benda yang sama, of having shining and successful friends when you are just stuck here searching for a place to settle in. but he's different. he's smarter. he figured everything at the age of 30.

ada tiga benda yang aku janji pada diri: 1) jangan settle until you find a sweet environment that you find comfortable enough for you to face it every day. 2) you know you dont travel as much as everyone but when you do, you'd travel far. 3) you don't have anything expensive like everyone would have and show off to but you're chasing your dream, better than anyone would have.

life as a whole in a day.

started my day with some conversation about politics and how it destroys our life more or less and ended up with him saying, "fuck politics."

in between, a random guy came and said, "saya dah dua kali kahwin, sama je rasa dia? macam takde apa. jadi duda lagi best, tak ada apa nak serabut."

which made me saying, "mungkin dia tak jumpa lagi someone yang betul boleh bagi dia apa yang dia nak atau mungkin dia sendiri tak ada effort untuk dapatkan apa yang dia nak." which i made up my mind saying people are desperate to find what they really want until they lose sense of  what exactly they want. 

i ended my day with some conversation about Tun Mahathir and Nazri and Tunku Abdul Rahman and in the end i said, "fuck politics."

nota-nota, lagi-lagi.

i. sedang The Danish Girl dimainkan, aku cuba untuk menafsir bait-bait skrip yang diutarakan. ternyata, sarah seorang yang deep.

ii. sebenarnya, sangat tidak masuk akal untuk seorang isteri menyokong penuh keinginan si suami untuk menukar jantina. it's not normal. and it hurts, so much.

iii. kuala lumpur is burning. kuala lumpur is burning, hard.

iv. aku adalah manusia yang tidak biasa berseorangan. eventhough sometimes i enjoyed it very much, being alone. tapi bukan dalam keadaan maha panas, terperuk di dalam bilik maha kecil ini.

v. i'm in desperate need of escapism.