no, i'm not okay.

esok adalah first paper untuk semester terakhir. dan hari ini adalah satu ramadhan.

aku masih lagi tak dapat nak siapkan fyp.

'kau dah banyak usaha. takkan lah Allah tak tolong kau.' terus bermain dalam kepala. aku harap aku akan terus bersabar. tak pasti berapa liter air mata dah tumpah. kadang kata-kata sv sikit pun tak beri semangat pada aku when i know really his intention is really different.

anyway, i just hope i won't flunk a subject this year. nak grad on time although i dont have a job yet.

sabar. it's ramadhan.

just thoughts.

it's funny that if you think about it. we have this huge bunch of community here in blogspot when there were no facebook or twitter. and suddenly everyone moved there. and only little remain. very little. curled up and comfortable enough to be on our very own.

anyway, aku tak rasa kebanyakan orang yang aku rasa layak untuk tahu tentang kewujudan blog ini sebenarnya betul ingat akan kehadiran blog ini. get it?

mungkin kategori layak yang aku maksudkan ni sedikit sebanyak telah aku labelkan mereka ini sebagai, 'people who do not really care' or 'people whose appreciation is not really fall into the word itself.' get it?

sebab aku berkata macam tu sama ertinya dengan sebab kenapa aku memberi such privilege kepada mereka. it's not the same as giving this privilege to my bestfriends. life's not AADC. i'm overprotective over things i love doing. aku tak mahu hobi aku dipertikai over some words like hipster, deep whatsoever. because damn it, i really love what i'm doing and i dont have the right to shut everyone up and the only thing i can think is to shut myself in.

get it?

turdday thursday.

i. have you ever noticed? that the wall is only look high when you lean closed, and look up.

ii. i'm extremely exhausted. for seeking love so far away. why did i even decide to fall in love in the first place? falling in love is a choice if you havent ever think about this before. it is.

iii. i cant wait for graduation day and get the hell out of here.

iv. not getting a job sucks. getting a job sucks too. at least, you get money for sucking in.

v. oh the hell with everything.

4 points of unimportant things.

i. biasalah tu, we are so turned off by things we should get but we dont get it. sabar, we'll get better things than what others have gotten.

ii. so just by looking at his face comparing to his body, i can say that he's just a fuckboy. you won't settle if he doesnt have good looks and good body and great attitude, kan?

iii. fuckboy is a very feminist word dont you think? kenapa tiada fuckgirl when ada douche and ada bitch? because girls who think highly of themselves, rasa diorang priceless when they are just cheap. sebab tu kena tinggal. thus label those men as fuckboys. pathetic, i know.

iv. why did you do that? why do you have to upload it all in one go?

5 points of hateful.

i. i have a genius bio for single people it goes like this: single on purpose.

ii. first thing to do when you have a twitter account: do not fucking tell everyone about your project progress. every. fucking. day. believe me, no one cares to know.

iii. you know i saw a post that goes like this: "to all my friends that think i've cut them off; we're adults and busy. no reason to be in contact bla bla bla whatsoever?" let me tell you this. yes i really cut you off my life. problem?

iv. i have a lot of cute sweaters i don't wear, in case no one wants to know.

v. twitter in fact, not a safest place for me anymore. because i still care what people going to talk behind my back.

hari-hari, hari banal.

i. aku sedar akan satu perkara. i only write when i feel bored.

ii. i leave out those little things i should remember and not putting it in my writing.

iii. i dont give a fuck. 

iv. stumbled upon a 12 year old famous girl on instagram and got me thinking, if i get famous, i'd, probably mock whatever the comments i get here. mungkin sebab tu aku tak famous haha

v. malas. malas. malas. nak tidur juga malas. 

spooky? nah.

"arent we just too afraid of all the things unseen?" i'd ask myself.

of course, there's thing like future but i'm definitely not talking about future. 

malam ini, seperti malam-malam sebelumnya, dia masih memasang ayat-ayat suci al-quran sehingga berkunandang ke seluruh bilik. aku pula jenis tak kisah. bukannya aku tak pernah kena kacau sebelum ni, cuma aku tak rasa memperdengar ayat suci daripada alat elektronik mengubah apa-apa. it doesnt have any soul. macam kita, manusia. 

sungguh, itu juga usaha. tapi pembacaan ayat suci dari jiwa yang hidup lebih meyakinkan. kerana pada pendapat aku, sesuatu yang bernyawa hanya akan takut pada yang bernyawa. tak begitu?

oh. i just had a bad day.

i. i know i'm not rich but at least i dont go brag around with my parents car and use my parents money for gas, bitch.

ii. aku sangat perlu belajar bagaimana untuk membalas budi baik orang walaupun budi baik aku ditolak. kadang-kadang aku pelik, are people really nice or are they just try so hard to show off that they are nice?

iii. fuck. everyone.

iv. oh and one more thing, if you hate me that much, you dont have to show the world about your feeling because it's just prove how stupid can you be because of the past mistake your boyfriend did. shame on you, bitch.

this post does not deserve a title. aku cuma tak mahu ia dilihat janggal tidak bertajuk.

Jadi persinggahan aku di Sabah selama 4 hari tak lah se-best yang aku sangkakan namun tak juga seteruk yang tak pernah terlintas dalam kepala aku.

Sebenarnya aku tak ada tujuan menulis cumanya mungkin rasa tak senang duduk dengan blog yang ditinggalkan lama tak bertulis. entahlah. macam lah ada orang yang menanti tulisan tentang hari-hari banal aku.

anyway, aku dalam fasa membaca tiga buku sekaligus which is not a good routine at all to start reading again. but somehow, i found solace reading to Steve Jobs autobiography. which is very rare. benar lah macam mendiang steve jobs cakap to the writer of his book, "you got this energy to get people to listen to what you're gonna say."

buku kedua adalah hold off-on And The Mountains Echoed written by Khaled Hosseini. the first few 30's pages adalah sangat membosankan. unfortunately, i'm still on that pages.

buku ketiga pula ditulis oleh Hamka Kereta Mayat entitled Syurga something-something. ada awkward scene tentang buku ini yang terjadi pada aku so let's just close off on this one.

dan yang terakhir, which i forgot to mention is an ebook. aku baca ini di Wattpad. Uqasha tajuknya. macam yang Azhar of Terfaktab says sewaktu kami bersarapan di pekan kecil Kundasang, "ada tulisan yang sekadar cerita(kosong), tiada klimaks, atau sebagainya," which i found it just a story. ordinary, quitely with no extra input at all. sekadar bacaan ringan. which makes me want to finish it despite busy schedule. no, because of this busy schedule, i have time to finish it for such lightweight story. yup.

this ain't cheating in writing.

i. she became antisocial because you stopped talking to her. so she chose to stay silent.

ii. i just realized that i cant stand people who talk a lot loudly. i'm getting a headache.

iii. nota ini telah ditinggalkan di dalam draft beberapa hari ini dengan niat untuk kembali padanya dan sambung menulis. unfortunately, it does not work that way. those ideas, they did not come in a way that we expect it to be.

iv. selesai minggu aku dihabiskan di Flora Damansara. somehow, Kuala Lumpur tetap dengan bahang degilnya. "welcome back. we missed you," they would utter.

v. i have to admit, long distance sucks. you don't have time for me, sucks. i dont have time for you, which also sucks. we are too busy living our lives, sucks.