insecurities happen to work well in the middle of the night.
and i happen to care, a little bit too much.
kepada hati yang tatkala resah, gelisah, buntu;
tenang.
tenanglah walaupun ia sukar, walaupun ia pahit. kekosongan ini bakal diisi.
fikir yang baik-baik. aku mohon, fikir yang baik-baik.
hari-hari kelabu.
i. the least of thing aku patut bother myself with at the moment is what people actually think of me.
ii. aku dalam keadaan tersepit di antara misi-misi dan azam-azam yang perlu aku selesaikan tahun ini.
iii. i need a lot of time dealing with myself. i always desperately in need a lot of alone time.
iv. staring people in the eyes while talking can be quite dangerous. on the bright side, it builds confidence in you. try it, but remember not to fall for anyone.
v. if this is not feeling overpower than anyone else then, i don't know what is.
vi. tak tahu samada aku mengejar bayang atau aku dikejar bayang. tak tahu samada aku menyimpan dendam atau dendam menyimpan aku. yang paling pasti, both hurt. both really fucking hurt.
vii. rindu, tapi ego. rindu. tapi sangat ego. rindu. bau kampung.
viii. we tend to like forbidden things more. just like teh tarik. just like teh tarik..
ii. aku dalam keadaan tersepit di antara misi-misi dan azam-azam yang perlu aku selesaikan tahun ini.
iii. i need a lot of time dealing with myself. i always desperately in need a lot of alone time.
iv. staring people in the eyes while talking can be quite dangerous. on the bright side, it builds confidence in you. try it, but remember not to fall for anyone.
v. if this is not feeling overpower than anyone else then, i don't know what is.
vi. tak tahu samada aku mengejar bayang atau aku dikejar bayang. tak tahu samada aku menyimpan dendam atau dendam menyimpan aku. yang paling pasti, both hurt. both really fucking hurt.
vii. rindu, tapi ego. rindu. tapi sangat ego. rindu. bau kampung.
viii. we tend to like forbidden things more. just like teh tarik. just like teh tarik..
here's a list of things on what actually happened during my incapable days of journaling moment in my life.
i. long talks with people i barely knew before, tiba-tiba datang dan stuffed my days with broader views. i loved where God had put me into. i really do.
ii. new year was different this year. couldn't ask for more.
iii. niat untuk menulis recap of 2016 hanyalah sekadar niat. maybe i was never good at writing the past.
iv. cheers to another year of growing up. cheers to another year of living fully. or so, the idea of it.
v. i somehow able to swallow whatever may come, each and every day. but that doesn't simply mean, i'm just letting everything through.
vi. people are making big moves. while i'm here just wanna grow a big heart. super big heart that others forget how small i actually am.
ii. new year was different this year. couldn't ask for more.
iii. niat untuk menulis recap of 2016 hanyalah sekadar niat. maybe i was never good at writing the past.
iv. cheers to another year of growing up. cheers to another year of living fully. or so, the idea of it.
v. i somehow able to swallow whatever may come, each and every day. but that doesn't simply mean, i'm just letting everything through.
vi. people are making big moves. while i'm here just wanna grow a big heart. super big heart that others forget how small i actually am.
damn feels
one thing for sure, you should finish what you've started. especially bila kau tulis dengan perasaan. well, everyone writes with feelings aren't we? yesterday i felt so warm blankets and after rains. today feels more like shit. ada tulisan yang tak habis semalam dan the flowery me only happened yesterday. oh god why everything turned shits today? oh goddd.
dark
maybe i should write something even more depressing. just like my feelings right now. you see, i've become more and more calculative these days. i count how long would you take to reply my message(s), count how much you uttered your love towards me, i count how much i should reach to buy all the things you want in the world. i count how much i've invest and how much longer can i stand. sure, parents know how hard it is to raise a kid.
i woke up to a dream of in loved with my colleague when i know for certain i can never in love with everybody else just because i crave attention so much. aku fikir, maybe this is what heartbroken people do. the absence is real. the lost, is real.
i woke up to a dream of in loved with my colleague when i know for certain i can never in love with everybody else just because i crave attention so much. aku fikir, maybe this is what heartbroken people do. the absence is real. the lost, is real.
if you're wondering what i'm doing
today, i felt like i was in a surgery room conducting a surgery.
it all started when few TM members reported that they couldnt login to the system. you see, that's what it's like to be in a maintenance team working with networks running everyday non-stop for 365 days; you have to act fast. nak tak nak, you have to understand that delaying can also cause death. or what our bosses said, "we arent just maintaining systems, our actions can cost people's lives."
i remembered, you were saying as if this kind of 'engineering' job is somewhat 'too common'. and i was sitting there making my ok face sebab i realized this 'too common' job's gonna pay hell lot in 2 years time you just wait.
i know i said that having lots of money doesnt count as success. be real, people pay you alot when you have experiences so blame the society. it's okay though cause someday, imma start my own kickstarter and blow your mind to pieces you can no longer talk.
it all started when few TM members reported that they couldnt login to the system. you see, that's what it's like to be in a maintenance team working with networks running everyday non-stop for 365 days; you have to act fast. nak tak nak, you have to understand that delaying can also cause death. or what our bosses said, "we arent just maintaining systems, our actions can cost people's lives."
i remembered, you were saying as if this kind of 'engineering' job is somewhat 'too common'. and i was sitting there making my ok face sebab i realized this 'too common' job's gonna pay hell lot in 2 years time you just wait.
i know i said that having lots of money doesnt count as success. be real, people pay you alot when you have experiences so blame the society. it's okay though cause someday, imma start my own kickstarter and blow your mind to pieces you can no longer talk.
little of now
last two weeks, i had a - what you might called - short vacation to terengganu. the purpose was mainly to attend my friend's wedding. plus, i just had to stay outside of kuala lumpur for awhile.
meeting old course mates was somewhat brings back memories though i dont have much i could remember about them. it was fun anyway. tak percaya that we grow up so fast. i started thinking about buying a house already. when i brought this up to him - of saving for a house - he chuckled, disbelief of what he just heard out of me. i, somehow, aged so much.
when i was in primary, i thought, this day would never came. i'd never got old. i didnt even think i will pass marriage stage, not this far for sure. i dont know. i just felt like that. it happened still. it is happening. i got a job that doesnt require me to drive to work and it's amazing. life's amazing. at least for now.
rage, personal and everything in between.
i. as i get older, i found that there's nothing wrong with being like everyone else. macam, suka dengan the usual, dengan not being different. before, i thought being different than everybody else is what defines you but it is certainly not. i used to prefer hanging out at the library or the bookstore over watching movies at the cinema or eating out at fancy restaurants. who cares anyway as long as you know what you're doing.
ii. kadang aku juga merasakan bahawa when i write in malay, people will not take me seriously. or i may find that i'm not so serious to tell what's going on inside my head. don't get me wrong. i like writing in malay too it's just i stopped reading malay literature when i was 22 exactly when i started reading to Haruki Murakami's and Fixi's books were getting worst and i no longer interested in malay poetry because some that i liked are bloody hard to digest. i gave up(?) on malay, i guess. however, i'm still talking and learning to construct my words in my head from time to time so i can continuously speak in humble manner (in malay) to the eldest. god, i know i'm sweet.
iii. why would almost every girl (probably who think they loved makeup) gets crazy over 20% off at Sephora? i mean it's only 20% off and then they had to act like they're broke or they're going broke. ntah apa-apa. i once went there and i was losing my mind because why on earth would girls buy those makeups with insane prices especially when they already had too many in their makeup bag, especially when you still have makeup dupes with the same shade and therefore can save more money? these people are so pathetic they don't know how to manage their personal finance.
iv. now aku faham kenapa you won't feel a thing when you buy things using those money your parents gave you claiming you had saved them as a reward for yourself because spending money hasil titik peluh kau is very different. you start to appreciate it. and you stop being stupid and start to invest on it. you start to act on yourself and be responsible. these are the things those spoilt brat don't understand. these are the things they're missing out in their 20s. i feel sorry for them.
ii. kadang aku juga merasakan bahawa when i write in malay, people will not take me seriously. or i may find that i'm not so serious to tell what's going on inside my head. don't get me wrong. i like writing in malay too it's just i stopped reading malay literature when i was 22 exactly when i started reading to Haruki Murakami's and Fixi's books were getting worst and i no longer interested in malay poetry because some that i liked are bloody hard to digest. i gave up(?) on malay, i guess. however, i'm still talking and learning to construct my words in my head from time to time so i can continuously speak in humble manner (in malay) to the eldest. god, i know i'm sweet.
iii. why would almost every girl (probably who think they loved makeup) gets crazy over 20% off at Sephora? i mean it's only 20% off and then they had to act like they're broke or they're going broke. ntah apa-apa. i once went there and i was losing my mind because why on earth would girls buy those makeups with insane prices especially when they already had too many in their makeup bag, especially when you still have makeup dupes with the same shade and therefore can save more money? these people are so pathetic they don't know how to manage their personal finance.
iv. now aku faham kenapa you won't feel a thing when you buy things using those money your parents gave you claiming you had saved them as a reward for yourself because spending money hasil titik peluh kau is very different. you start to appreciate it. and you stop being stupid and start to invest on it. you start to act on yourself and be responsible. these are the things those spoilt brat don't understand. these are the things they're missing out in their 20s. i feel sorry for them.
the year's passing fast
i. lately, i found myself caught up with thoughts raucous inside my head. like they're finding their way out while i on the other side, am blocking them to get through. you see, a genius' mind is not that easy to handle.
ii. i need to really smile a lot at people instead at surroundings other than people. because often i found myself smiling at trees of buildings or people's action when they're not looking.
iii. for once, i prefer the traditional way for travelling. it's so easy to get cheap ticket flights nowadays. and you have so many options.
iv. i am the kind of person who loves to annoy you more with the things you hate when you show how much you hate it. so, don't show. and don't ever ask me why.
v. aku perasan one thing for sure. that's, when you start to buy a book after another and you haven't start reading the latest book you just bought (or many others you haven't), it shows you that you just love the shopping not the reading. i know i'm right.
ii. i need to really smile a lot at people instead at surroundings other than people. because often i found myself smiling at trees of buildings or people's action when they're not looking.
iii. for once, i prefer the traditional way for travelling. it's so easy to get cheap ticket flights nowadays. and you have so many options.
iv. i am the kind of person who loves to annoy you more with the things you hate when you show how much you hate it. so, don't show. and don't ever ask me why.
v. aku perasan one thing for sure. that's, when you start to buy a book after another and you haven't start reading the latest book you just bought (or many others you haven't), it shows you that you just love the shopping not the reading. i know i'm right.
wait now
i have lost 98% of myself and what's inside my body. aku adalah yang di antara tergesa-gesa membuka pintu dengan yang give up not even halfway through. pernah wonder what'll happen to your own body when you're no longer own it?
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