2017 wrapped.

posting dengan tajuk paling cliche sengaja aku pilih. bosan hidup kalau asyik menongkah arus.

it had been quite a long year i think. macam, i did so many things (not sure if it's some sort of achievement) sampai aku boleh rasa ia adalah tahun yang panjang. i'm blessed nevertheless.

ada some part yang aku rasa i'm living in stagnancy. while ada some part yang i think i'm living too fast. i always find new things which is good tapi untuk beristiqamah dalam satu-satu perkara tu bukan kepakaran aku. entah. aku terlalu mengejar the idea of living fast instead of improving in life. contohnya macam, aku sering come up dengan new ideas but i rarely stay on that idea.

it's tougher than trying new things in case you didnt know.

anyway here are some of the achievements:

• achieved a total of 100km run within 6-months
• joined 5 running events in which 2 of it were 10km distance
• i know how to swim. properly. (at least 5 laps of breaststroke + water treading/survival)
• managed to gain weight. 2kgs. not much, but still
• read four books wow i need to read more in 2018

i think 2017 is more of making friends, be there, more self-care, emotional control and getting my shits together and financial management which i sucks at, so bad. that's all. i'm wishing everyone will get what they wanna achieve in 2018. amen.

aku tenang. - 4.20

now, i'm trying to remind myself to pray whenever i feel hopeless, or feel bad, or feel depressed, or feel like something is being taken away from me. i'm making it a habit.

bandung, a memory

ada satu perasaan yang kita bawa pulang selepas menempuh suatu perjalanan. contohnya macam sekarang. boleh jadi juga atas sebab aku baru balik dari kampung.

"life, i love you." bak kata avianti armand di twitter. this is what i feel now.

aku bakal ke indo lagi, nanti. sebab orang-orang di sana, budi bahasanya, lenggok tutur katanya, sifat sabarnya, suasananya. aku jadi rindu.

ada tempat-tempat yang tak sempat kami kunjungi kerana cuaca yang tak menentu dan keadaan hujung minggu yang macet. tapi cukup. tak sempurna tapi sangat cukup pada aku.

mungkin juga aku dah lama tak rasa seperti ini. rasa diterima di sini, di dunia. rasa ingin memberi cinta.

life is good. god is good. this feel is true.

bandung, indonesia.

17 nov. 2017 - 21 nov. 2017.

minggu: proses mengenal diri.

i. i listen to jazz a lot more lately. it keeps me calm. and it kinda reminds me of Japan.

ii. manusia yang tenang adalah manusia yang dapat mengawal kesihatan mental dan fizikal seterusnya mengawal keadaan di sekililingnya.

iii. i always know that i liked confused thriller than drama/romantic comedy.

iv. sometimes, it does feel like own a transport is easier. somehow, what i'm having now teaches me to be patient and grateful. i keep reminding myself about this.

v. god i love how soft my hair is now. thank you dear self.

what the hell?

Tiada kata manis yang terungkap untuk kau ku bagi keupayaan buat terbang menerobos ruang angkasa.

-- 11/05/2012.

quick update on life

actually, nothing much.

i rarely read books nowadays, even questioned how some people can manage reading continuously. correction, i dont even read anymore. i'm in readers block phase.

10km for a beginner runner wasnt easy yet i achieved that. big applause to dear self. dan selepas itu wujudlah series of scam trainings serta alasan alasan untuk tidak turun berlari. i dont wanna fool myself thinking i wanna do it but i actually dont. tunggu lah bila ada mood.

sesi lepak masih berjalan seperti biasa. kawan kawan yang belum berkahwin, bercadang untuk berkahwin, tiada plan berkahwin, duduk rapat satu meja berdiskusi tentang rumahtangga orang lain. favourite. you cannot miss this kinda thing.

i dont know the word 'makan berhidang' until one of my friends pointed it out. ya kami makan berhidang. makan pagi pukul 9 dan berakhir pada jam 11. we talk about anything, everything. i think that's what family's about. you share, or you just listen. waktu makan adalah waktu yang paling aku tunggu. tak perlu rokok cuma air panas dan momen momen.

aku masih berfikir fikir untuk memiliki sebiji mirrorless. dan duit untuk travel.. mungkin nanti.

happy 1 year anniversary, dear self.

hello. long time no write.

it's not actually that long it's just, i used to write 3-4 post a month. dan ini bukan posting sedih.

taknak sound cliche but... life has been very good to me this past months. i am blessed. i am blessed for every little thing that you'd probably be annoyed by now. that sometimes, aku rasa that i dont deserve this much blessings. macam, i am happy but some people are having it worse i feel guilty for having such feelings. i am allowed to but life is a running wheel.

once, a good friend of mine said, "kau bagilah camera apa pun kat sarah, the pictures will turn out good." also, i wrote "i am a fast learner" in my resume. i just wanted to point that out. anyway, i actually prayed hard for a job that specifically has a non-stressful and good environment kinda job, like real hard. my degree doesn't deserve this? well, suck my ass. also, thanks for all the advises and supports i get from lovely people you guys are the real mvp i am so grateful.

meanwhile, here's my 2017 achievements so far because... (i am allowed to.)

ps// 5th: gained weight also lost 0.7kg later on. 7th: not yet achieved but insyaAllah.
pps// funny as we turned older, we no longer talk much about who gets better marks but who gets better pay/opportunity/career. i always find it exhausting to talk about people.

somewhere.

halfway July i realized i need to set new goals. or really just take goals seriously.

come to think of it, does success mean running a business and have shitload of money? el-o-el. i dont know anymore.

patutlah orang cakap, you are what your circles are. bukan orang biasa biasa cakap, imam syafie also said so, sahabat nabi, successful people you name it. also in this case, people you follow on social media. your 'friends' on social media. it's weird tho sebab people are so different there.

being where i am now, looking back, i dont know what i really want anymore. seeing people showing off how successful they are, i dont know IF i am getting somewhere. of course, aku belajar something. but, is this it? i'm not lost but also i am not there. not yet. perhaps, jauh lagi.

aku yang tak sabar ke? atau people are moving too fast? or is it only happen to certain people?

of questions yang tak ada jawapan.

raya post?

semenjak dua menjak ni, aku cepat terasa. entahlah. mungkin kadang-kadang aku terlalu kasar, banyak sakat, banyak membahan orang dan sebagainya, tanpa fikir the consequences. i might have hurt people more than what i thought i've had, thinking i was funny.

i tried to play it cool. i'm still playing it cool.

communication is really not my thing. i also hate comfortableness. it opens the gate for people to really just throw everything not realizing whether they really mean it or not. one thing to consider is to make people laugh by not making fun of them. people will pay you twice deeper.

to whoever i've hurt, i'm sorry to say this. you probably deserved it. and so do i.

also, selamat hari raya.

rubbish

i. masih relevant kah untuk miserable at the age of 25? especially when you have steady job, a place to stay, sufficient amount of money, friends and family? guess i need to be thankful often.

ii. i thought i got it all good. macam, why do i have to be a girl? with emotions.. oh god.

iii. pernah sekali, atau beberapa attempts untuk aku jadi someone other than myself. guess what? i regret it a lot.

iv. i just dont really share things with people on socmed. i do sometimes but i'd feel the need to delete it later.

v. and why am i still up at 1 am i do not know.