as if you would read.

reading back to our conversation, i realized, how i messed everything up just to make sure that i wasn't at fault. i tried so hard to put whatever the blame on you when i was the one who changed. sorry? sorry means nothing now. sorry now is like those haze you inhaled in this stink city. at least that's what i think.

kadang aku terfikir, terlalu banyakkah dosa yang aku lakukan sampai aku di uji begini? i tried balancing sins with my good deeds. i guess that didn't work. mungkin pahala yang aku cari, tak setimpal dengan dosa yang aku dah lakukan. mungkin aku kaburi mata aku dengan, 'ah takpe. God forgives.' bertaubat dulu. terima atau tak, belakang cerita. and i ended up doing the same mistake when i know truly, a mistake done twice is not a mistake anymore. it's a choice. and i chose to be sinned.

i'm sorry, even if you can't accept this apology. please don't act nice to me, ever. because i don't deserve it. i never were.

dear God, i give up.

choosing a title is like writing an abstract for a project report, you have to finish the report first and prepare for the abstract but you put that abstract right after the front page of your report do you get what i mean?

anyway, i cannot tell anyone, any of my real life friends on how much i've cried lately because things just got out of control. how my head's tied up over the things i should not think about but i did that i feel like it's going to explode anytime soon.

i cried and cried and cried and probably going to cry later like i'm the only one suffering this God's test.

nevermind anyway. i sinned. i deserve whatever it takes.

let me tell you a secret.

sedang aku menghulur tangan perlahan nak mencapai teh tarik, abah memecah kesunyian dengan bertanya,
"budak lelaki yang haritu, ada call awak? siapa nama dia?"
"s."
"nampak macam serious. lelaki kalau dia jumpa family tu maknanya dia dah serious tu." sambil memandang tepat ke arah aku.

aku melarikan pandangan seolah-olah barisan pokok dan kerusi yang bersusun tak bernyawa lebih lucu untuk diperhatikan.

"awak serious tak?"
"habiskan dulu belajar, abah." sambil mengukir senyum kelat.

yet i still cannot believe myself, how can i be so stupid?

and she said, " hidup ini hukum karma," and chuckled at herself.

when the same mistake happened twice, maybe you should consider yourself first before you start blaming on people.

i did the same mistake now, and that i'm just like the person whom i told myself, i would never be like her.

on a not so bright side

people are sending me honest confessions and apologizes these past few days. and i couldnt care less.

"hey, how's life?"

it hurts to think that a person you once knew is no longer the same one. like everything has changed. almost everything.

rip heart.

maybe opened up to you was never a good idea.

those nights when you mess everything up.

i hope we're 6 or 7 or 10 years together and still fun.
and i hope i didn't have to meet a new guy and feel happy because he's funny and he makes me happy because you're too faraway. i hope i didnt have to feel guilty to him because i'm gonna break another heart.
i hope i never get bored listening to you. i hope i never did anything that breaks your heart.

but it's just me being delusional. i get confused and distracted alot. i'm scared. i'm fucking scared.

maybe, just maybe, i should just mute you so that i don't have to see your bullshits running pass through my eyes. but then i don't have a subject to hate about so which one should i put my heart to it i just can't decide it yet whether to hate you or hate all of your bullshits.

it's been awhile ey?

life has been good so far. i did not get what i've expected but i am grateful for where i am now. and for that, i shall thank god a lot more.

kadang aku rasa, padan muka with what you chose cause now i'm at better place than yours. reality sucks aint it? betul lah, people said god knows what's better for you and i shall not be sad about it. and now, it serves you right in the face.

i dont think its wrong to boast off how happy i am to be here because you know, you can suck my virtual dick anytime you want baby.