kau hanya akan rasa masa tu berjalan terlalu lambat bila kau sunyi. kadang aku harap aku akan terus sunyi. untuk apa bahagia jika hanya sementara? i guess it's only me. i guess it's always gonna be me.

nombor-nombor roman (ii)

i. aku sendiri penat membaca blog sendiri. why would anyone read this shit?

ii. orang kata job is job. you don't have to love your job. i think the word overtime only means that you're just failed to finish your job on time. hence, the overtime.

iii. i need to always remind myself, gaji bukanlah cara kau mempamerkan kejayaan.

iv. how do you retrieve accidentally deleted post?

cerdas yang bodoh.

semasa aku khusyuk meniti perkataan-perkataan Andrea Hirata tentang kecerdasan dan kebodohan, i came across two figures i read in Steve Jobs or seen in that movie. Steve Wozniak dan Steve Jobs.

Wozniak is Jobs best friend or who you could put it as a person who knows Jobs better than anyone else. dalam dunia ni, ada bermacam jenis kepandaian dan kebodohan. Wozniak is an engineer at Hewlett-Packard. while Jobs, was the owner or founder of Apple. they both made the computer. dua jenis manusia. Woz is a hobbyist. Jobs was a realist. they shared the same interest, electronics.

jadi, ada orang yang cerdas tapi terlalu kecut pada risiko, terlalu merasakan dirinya kerdil, dia settle pada tempat yang dia rasa selesa. ada juga orang yang cerdas tetapi dia sangat opportunis dan bersedia menerima apa jua risiko.

jadi cerdas anda yang mana? cerdas yang bodoh atau cerdas yang bijak?

and like other prayers, this one goes in between god and i.

'apa kau rasa kalau kau ni cukup beriman, jaga solat, jaga amal tapi kau end up dengan orang yang buat semua benda ala kadar dan anggap remeh tentang apa yang kau percaya?'

'...'

'sedangkan tuhan sendiri kata perempuan-perempuan yang baik untuk lelaki-lelaki yang baik..'

'tak tahu. mungkin aku hanya perlu anggap yang aku tak cukup bagus untuk dia. mungkin dalam perkara lain, dia lebih bagus dari aku. tuhan tak kata baik bermaksud hanya dalam satu perkara, right?'

'that makes sense... makes sense enough that you're actually making this up during your maghrib prayer.'

the truth runs wild, like a tear down a cheek.

i. i thought maybe, god were telling me to fix myself first. i thought maybe i'm strong enough for myself.

ii. people around me, they were rooting on good guys coming home and pick up them like picking up princesses for a ball. while i am sitting here feeling like a beast no one would care for.

iii. jika hari ini adalah hari di mana semua orang dihisab, maka esok pasti aku ditempatkan di neraka.

iv. if i knew asking for forgiveness could be this hard, i could've avaoid as many sins i'd encounter. forgive me, self.

ikut hati, mati.

of course, ada hati yang kita lukai luar sedar kita. "if i wanna go cruising for two years or more, what would you do?" i asked. dan soalan itu mati susur detik tanpa jawapan.

untuk kali ini tuhan, berikan aku jawapan.

[11:49]

logged in to my dashboard just to find out yesterday's traffic was uncanny. i didn't do something wrong did i?

anyway, that spirit of fired up to find a job is degrading right now. that's some progress isn't it? somehow, i keep telling myself i have to find money so i get to pay the bills. bukan lah banyak pun tapi ada sesuatu yang dalam diri kau kata, enough of depending on your parents for the bills they don't make even if it's not much. Abah doesn't really care if i don't have a job. bak kata Mak, he'd rather have his daughters at home than go to work. pernah sekali Abah cakap yang perempuan bekerjaya gedik. that's why Mak tak pernah bekerja lepas kahwin, kecuali kerja di rumah. i reckon.

that's why she started her nasi lemak and kuih-muih business at home. duduk rumah saje-saje is boring as hell i tell ya. the most eligible thing i can think of is khidmat for Abah and Mak. niat baik, fikir positif. at least you don't duduk saje-saje di rumah, i thought.

next week is Izzy's wedding. i don't have transport and it's freaking above 100kms away. plus, malas nak hadap kawan-kawan yang dah bekerjaya. probably everyone's going to ask you, Sarah kerja mana shits. well, the journey has not yet ended. one day, imma show you what rezeki really looks like and what patience really means.

f(or) you, a thousand times over.

i. i think i'm getting older. it's showing.

ii. aku perasan, every time aku go somewhere during the day, sampai rumah, aku terus akan mencari katil to sleep, instantly. i can just shut my eyes and sleep.

iii. anyway, started my day by went to the clinic and then to kelana jaya business park after that to tesco mutiara damansara. thank god the weather was just nice, tak panas.

iv. living with a newly married couple, is so. fucking. awkward. because you're not married yet. and you cant stand lovey dovey stuff evenso it's not that obvious. o' lord, grant me good thoughts and good thinking. amen.

v. today's interview is a little bit better. a little bit. congrats, self.

mengira. detik.

i told myself, if you wanna write, write seriously. and so i deleted my twitter just to find out someone else is logging in back again.

aku penat dengan drama manusia. yes, they're morons and it's funny to watch. but watching them everyday? i'd rather not. dan di facebook, keadaannya masih sama. semua orang (termasuk aku), cuba untuk control all of the situations. masing-masing cuba sehabis kudrat melontar hujah seolah dia sahaja yang betul. no one wants to read. no one ever wants to care.

mungkin aku hanya belong here dekat blogger?

oh fuck. i have interview to attend tomorrow.

day 19 at home

i. when you feel like you have to keep yrself updated with people's lives, remember that you don't have twitter anymore.

ii. friends come and go. and i have a very strong instinct that you are that kind of friend who'll leave.

iii. kalaupun kau dapat offer kerja gaji tinggi and you rejected it because of the reason kos sara hidup tinggi di area tempat kerja kau, you don't have to tell me exactly when you knew i was offered quite a satisfied salary. what kind of human are you? thinking highly of yrself and sending negative vibes to me?

iv. on the positive side of it, i love my family. sekurang-kurangnya they keep on supporting whatever decision i made.

v. i definitely need more girl friends. searching won't be so hard kan? hopefully.

vi. aku ego dan keras kepala? heard it couple of times. not a new thing to me.