Feeling unfriend.

Alkisah sifat dan perwatakan aku yang agak self-centered dan kadang-kadang care too much sangat menjengkelkan. Aku membayangkan diri aku sebagai orang lain yang memerhatikan aku, must had thinking that that girl is crazy.

Macam mana nak menyampaikan thought tu dalam perkataan? Let's just say, aku adalah manusia yang cenderung ke arah stepping away. Betul ke tu?

As an escapist, secara tidak rasmi, aku selesa untuk tidak melibatkan diri dalam mana mana relationship bersama mana mana manusia. Okay itu overly acted.

Satu situasi di mana kawan atau orang yang rapat dengan aku, I keep a distance from them. Rapat like gila babi punya rapat pun, still I give them space. Dan kadang kala ruang yang aku beri, terlalu luas sehinggakan you can't see what's coming towards you in every angle. Atau mungkin ruang itu aku cipta sendiri untuk diri aku sebenarnya.

A self-centered person, mereka bersifat habis madu sepah dibuang dan buruk siku at the same time.

And yes, I made myself to be an escapist.

p.s: come to think of it, just do what comforts you and be you and stop complicate things and stuff and whatever

Moments I treasured.

Late night calls. Morning calls. Breakfast dates. Complete silence. Heart beats. Starry nights. Rain appreciations. Stay ups. Stories. Thoughts. Confessions. Groceries shoppings. Journeys. Book huntings. Music sharings. Long talks.

"I'm only telling you this because life, can do terrible things." - Mayday Parade

Life's more than just waking ups.

Life's more than just sad songs.

Life's more than just memories.

Life's more than just hopes.

.

.

.

.

I keep that in mind.

In case I don't feel like living.

Question.

Kadangkala aku tertanya, apa tanggapan manusia terhadap tulisan aku?

Pernah suatu ketika dulu, aku menulis sebagai inspirasi untuk mereka, untuk diri aku sendiri. Bukan macam sekarang. Aku sendiri tak berinspirasi. Dan membacakan tulisan aku sendiri, aku rasa, seolah-olah mencari diri aku yang dulu. Yang positif.

Pandangan aku masih positif, secara general; keseluruhan. Cuma rasa itu, seperti, tiada.

Berbeza dengan adik aku yang buku motivasinya bersusun bertingkat-tingkat pada rak buku. Tapi aku tak heran pun nak membelek. Mungkin niat tu ada. Mungkin aku cuba untuk menafikan. Atau mungkin, aku dah pun negatif, unconsciously.

I am.

I'm writing you out of my dreams.
I'm losing tracks of your life.
I'm stepping away from your circle.
I'm building up the walls.

I'm making my way.
Away from you.

Some things.

Okay here's the thing. What am I doing running away from people?

Aku tak tahu. Dan aku blah tanpa berkata apa-apa. Dan mereka perlu sebab dan penerangan. Tapi aku masih lagi dengan absolute egocentrism aku, angkuh dan... Apa masalah aku tak nak menyatakan apa yang aku rasa sebenarnya?!

I don't know. I just mad at myself. What's the problem? Tell them. Just tell them you don't want them in your life! You've had enough of yourself yet you let them enter your life? Like, hell no. You know that aren't you? They'll understand, somehow... You just have to say it.

I don't wanna lose them. Because I know that someday, i'm gonna need them. I don't want any of this, ends. I just need a little time of myself, I guess.

Why is it so hard?

Something.

Sometimes, I wish that I could just swooshed away and gone from everyone and everyone will just stay what they are. But then that'd be unfair for them that I leave without saying anything. And of course I'm not afraid about leaving everyone. Not even a bit.


But,
Am I ready?

Counting days.

Day goes by. I'm getting old. You grow older. People change.

What i'm trying to say is, this campus life of mine gonna end soon. Exciting isnt it?

But what lies behind it is actually, all these thing that i'm experiencing are, of cycles that had happened before. And funny how I get so sentimental and all that which I never ever had before. Because i'm the type that always looks forward. It just so weird what is happening to me?!

I guess i'm changed.

Let's just forget the title shall we?

Aku dalam kondisi tak tahu pada siapa yang patut aku percaya, siapa yang sepatutnya aku letakkan title kawan itu sendiri.

Kadang kadang aku sendiri tertanya tanya, aku masih ada kawan lagi ke?

Salah seorang kawan baik aku memegang satu prinsip bahawa as a friend, you should support them in whatever they do. That's what friends do.

Technically, bukan pada aku. Friends do whatever it takes to help their friends go through happy and tough time, and give a best decision to whatever problem their friends are having, including problems they think they're so right.

Aku sedih melihatkan kawan aku yang dah berubah at certain conditions. Dia tak berubah pada keseluruhannya atau mungkin sifat tu dah memang lama ada dalam diri dia tapi dia tak tunjuk.

Its funny tho how a stranger, can change you in a minute and makes you forget who you used to be.

Bila kata kawan tak nak dengar, kata outsiders kau sibuk iakan.

Too many dreams, too many responsibilities. You sure don't want that are you?

It started with a what-if.

Sarah, what if one day, you'll find me as someone who becomes a professor, who teaches other professors?

And then other several what-ifs came.

What if one day you'll see me driving a lamborghini? What if one day i'm here as somebody? What if I become a billionaire? What if that. What if this. What is then. You wouldn't wanna believe.

And there I was, like, what if you shut up and get done with everything then you talk? Wtf.