Mumble.

Searching words at this hour with eyes half open, literally, not a good idea. Because, even you are staying up, filling up your blank pages with beautiful phrases and sentences dedicated to your loved one, but in the same time, floating half awake to dreamyland, really, it's not worth it.

I guess I am just staying up again, to fall asleep any time now.

Selamat malam.

A strange stranger.

I remember this one time, where this girl came to me suddenly and talked about everything for few hours. I think I told this before.

Practically she was a rower who came to our college to stay for the game. And she talked about rowing and told me that rowers use most of the muscles when rowing, basically, more than other athletes had ever. I dont know what was that suppose to mean bcs I had a freaking final exam after that day.

It was so random.

The way she talked had convinced me that rowers are awesome and she was awesome and I liked her. I remember in detail on what she told me. Everything. I wasnt really responding. I was listening all the time.

I was feeling really great.

November.

People like me, we don't really appreciate days and months.

People like me, we don't remember dates.

People like me, we don't create moments based on dates.

People like me, we don't celebrate birthdays.

Welcome dear November.
And I can't promise i'll make full of you.
But I will try.

Let's.

At this time like this, I really want to write something. Things, happened during my convocation day. The day that some ppl think it's a must to write about it really. But the idea of constructing a phrase, which is not coming from my humble heart, I had to forget about it. I had to.

I treasure everything. Let's just hush up and let the memories mend deep. And when the time comes, I will write.

"Night is so long therefore don't shorten it with sleep and day is so pure therefore don't soil it with your sins." Yahya Ibn Mu'adh

Good again.

I wanna read good words. The kind of words that when you read them, you're melting inside. And you have this mixed feelings about them you don't know what it is but it feels good in a whole.

I wanna listen to good musics. All those mixed sounds or maybe just a single sound and constant rhythm that can make you have goosebumps and heart beats that you can hear. Your heartbeat.

I wanna write good words. Words that can make me feel better. Even if it is wrong. Because it's honest, so honest. Because I want it to be what it should be. Because they are my words.

I like this feeling I am having. Because the weather outside is telling me things. An it smiled at me. And I feel completely comfortable. And I have been missing someone. And it is a good thing. And it's suddenly pouring outside. And I am smiling the kind of smile that I know I am happy.

Good again. Good again.

Have you ever, believed that everything is actually peachy? That life as a whole is peachy? That you tried your best to believe that every little thing, has its sweetness even if it is little. Positivity is hardly there and stay but you always wish that when it comes, you just want it to stay because it makes you believe that whatever happens, there will be happiness.

Maturity.

Have you ever feel like you've grown far older than your actual age? Like the way you think especially, have you? Because I think I am like that. And I wonder why. It's not that you've grown conservative like most old people do bcs they're old fashioned, instead, the way you see life as a whole. Living itself as a whole.

It's okay. Doesn't matter. It's just a process everyone's probably going through. You'll get used to it.

Finding.

I miss the days when I didn't know things. Because I didn't judge. And I spoke bold. Because I know at that time, no one's gonna scold you. They even forgave you because they knew you don't know things. That you were naive, very pure. Your thoughts are all humble.

Things changed and life gets harder. Tragedy isn't it? Way too. Through it all, life goes on. Sometimes I asked myself, is that the only thing that I have? To keep me alive? To keep me holding? Am I happy or am I not I just don't know.

Nota-nota II.

1. Things have been better for now. I have been slightly better. Been making new friends and what not. Kind of okay life, I think?

2. I can't really brain this degree life. It is the same as what i've been through I should've known, turns out, I feel dumber like, have I studied this? Or, OMG WTF IS THIS?! Rather, CANNOT F'ING BRAIN THIS.

3. I am still missing them, moments that we treasured, still. Because creating a new one is hell years. And making new friends is what I am not capable of. On the bright side, we're all doing just okay bcs of the fact that we're broken in different places and that is really okay.

4. You know the moment when you see things and the words come beautifully on your mind and you are ready to type it out? I don't have that kind of ability now. I used to. And when it's already gone, it makes me numb.

5. Hurtful. Trying so hard to find happiness in numbness state is hurtful. You'll be okay. Things will get better eventually.

Let's just pray.