a letter to you.

hi. how are you doing? i'm actually glad that you're finally moving on. i dont really know but from what i've seen, you've moved on. while i'm stuck here loving people you used to love endlessly, you used to know, even.

this is not a sorry letter or a sympathetic one. i still get jealous over all the memories you have with them. i've lost my school friends, some used to sleep beside me for a whole year. i dont mind. they don't know the real story of us, even you.

i just wish you'll get better, we'll get better. our lifes dont resolve around people we love or loved. things happen and time cant turn back to what it was. be young, and shut up.

of freedom(?)

when i was 17, having too much social network account felt so right. blogger, tumblr, twitter, facebook, flavors, spring, you name it. but now, four seems too much and annoying because you have to like keep updating and the need to always have something to say about is rather irritating.

i like it here. i've grown to like it here. no one cares rather you are exist or not. you don't care who's going to read or see or care about what you write. people jump from blog to blog, pass you and don't care anymore. or some may stay but no one rarely talk about it. no one ever talk about what i write in here.

i feel free. completely. or so you may say, puas.

slowly, but surely.

you will get to the point in your life where you will figure out everything.
you will build a family.
you will work for the sake of your family.
things might get a little bit fuck up with people at work and stuff,
but nothing beats staring at his glaring eyes when you talk about how suck your day is.

you will figure out that what you have now is nothing compared to what you will have in the future.
you will learn and experience.
you will understand.
life, yourself.
you will not worry anymore.
you will get to the track.
you will be fine.

live slowly and steadily, but surely.

brace yourself, dear friend.

you will get to the phase where you both will fight over silly things and you will become even more sensitive.

you will get to the phase where she will look at other guys and like them or worse fall in love with them.

you will do the stupidest thing ever and she will leave. because that's how the karma works. slowly, but you will get to it.

of the things i've held inside for so long.

when you were 14, you saw your mom and dad fought over some woman at 2 in the morning. and your mom cried so hard your dad didn't know how to stop her, and you passed them to get to your room to sleep, never bothered to ask why.

you found your dad married to another woman because your mom was crying endlessly days and nights you were worried to death you started searching for clues.

one day, a stranger was invited to a wedding ceremony eating at the same table with your family, talking. your mom started saying twisted words and sarcastically. she hadn't stop crying.

you had sisters and a brother from your other mother.

at 18, you thought you never belong in your family.

at 21, your perspectives had changed drastically differ from your family.

at 23, you've cried so much because of them.

what. ever.

i was writing so enthusiastically in a car on our way to somewhere i can't remember. and she asked me what i was writing. i closed my jurnal drastically, quite shocked.
"sarah kau macam budak-budak deep tulis puisi dalam kereta kan?" she laughed. "just look at your twitter duh." she practically shot me without warning. i cringed a bit.
and they laughed.

is it weird to write anywhere whenever you want without being disturbed?

we're curing, slowly. we'll get to it someday.

"awak cakap awak sakit, mentally ill."
aku terdiam, to let him speak off what was in his mind.

"maybe i've always been mentally ill too. it makes me feel happy seeing people laugh at my jokes despite of what i've been through. throwing some punchline i guess, won't hurt."

"i'm a sad human being." he would say. i am a sad human being too, i'd say. i am, always.

today is hard enough. don't ever think about tomorrow.

i am built of dark thoughts and bad dreams and pitch black and sadness and blindness and soundless and deep hole and nothingness and depressness and everything out of nothing and numbness and void conciousness and colorless and helplessness. you cant make something out of nothing and it's the true art of numb. it feels so love to talk about how you've been dead all along out of yr concious body. i am perhaps, never alive for i want to always be unexisted long ago.

a hell of weirdness.

aku bangun dalam keadaan aku, nanu dan seorang kawan dia berkongsi bilik. bilik yang hanya mempunyai 2 katil, nanu offered untuk berkongsi katil dgn kawannya yang pada aku agak creepy. sedang kami berbual tiba-tiba guard datang dan forced everyone to take a mother cat dan tiga/dua anak kucing. seorang dapat satu set(?) atas arahan pengetua kolej. no one knew the reason behind it.

a closed friend of mine came and picked me up to hang out with her other friends. it's just so weird that i couldn't stop talking when on the road. and they seemed to like me alot too. it was really weird that i talked really alot. they were like 4 of them. their outfis were almost like my closed friend had. or i'd put it as, stylish than what i had in my wardrobe. they were very cool i'd say.

whilst kawan aku, dia tak bercakap langsung. atau dia memang tak nak cakap dia hanya focus pada pemanduan(?) no one knew what was in her head at that time. when we reached our destination, it was some place i did not know but i was told i went there often. we kept on talking and shared stories and showing off our awesomeness and suddenly, kawan rapat aku hilang dari pandangan. but we kept on talking anyways. some of us went on our seperate ways. not long after that, one of them came to me and said, "she said you're annoying. you just cant stop it can you?" that one came from a closed friend of mine. she were furious about me snatching up her cool friends when i didnt intend to. i was so brokenheart that i decided to go on my own way.

i wandered around and was bumped into my bestfriend when i was in high school. she were there to buy her medicine for her weird deceased. when queing up and waiting fr the pharmacist to give out the drugs, her sickness kicked in. her butt was twerking so hard she said she can't control it. her sister had to push her on the wall to stop it but it looked more like they were having sex with their clothes on while standing against the wall.

we gave her her meds and it calmed her. i kept on wondering why but i didnt ask her. after that, we had to seperate because i decided to take the cab to my college. the bus was packed it got bent like an elastic plastic ruler but it seemed like there were no cab. and so i walked again until i passed cross an old rumah kampung with a bunch of people gathered on the balcony. it was kind of a meet up event but only with cool people in it.

there was 4 of them again. i didnt say anything at first and walked pass them. but then they said something really pissed me off. i went right onto their face and said that i dont want to have anything related to them and they got furious when i walked away. they asked this one girl, an unknown assasin to kill me, the one that looked almost like in Kingsman movie. she ran towards me and i had to ran faster but i knew i wasnt a good runner.

aku berlari sampai ke rumah. i was on my period. and i wasnt came there to get a change. instead, i washed a pile of dishes in the sink when i was bleeding like hell. i told mum i had to run again. i ran away from home, like what i always wanted to.

finally, the assasin girl caught me when we were in some very tall building like the eiffel tower. and killed me.
or maybe i wasn't get killed i cant quite remember.

but it was really, the weirdest dream and longest i ever had. like some parts of my real life was in it, like i was living in my thoughts that feels alot real and confusing.

for the past few months, let's just move forward.

1. i've been writing somewhere else before but it couldn't keep me to want to write more, unlike blogger.

2. life has been out of hands, out of reach but, it's still under my control.

3. aku tak mahu menggemarkan diri menulis dalam bahasa inggeris sejujurnya. maybe that i lack of tatabahasa and new malay words, i've grown to love english than malay.

4. is it worth it to buy a kamus dewan?

5. what's more to tell? i'm in a good health thank god, like who cares if there's no one wants to know.