Meh

i. you try to be what people would say, mature. i'd say, good luck with that.

ii. tak plan untuk menulis in points but ended up sure i have so many things to talk about.

iii. hidup tak bekerja adalah sangat bosan. there. i said it.

iv. i'm still in doubt imagining myself going to work. apa yang aku sangat suka buat sebenarnya?

v. sedang menahan nafsu untuk tidak menyakitkan hati sendiri dengan mengambil tahu perihal hidup orang lain. sabar, sabar.

vi. sebenarnya, our point of view can be different from each other. kau kena accept my view even if you don't like it. and i'm accepting yours even not a single word i'd liked about it. that doesn't mean i have to agree to whatever you say. dah besarkan? jangan lah fikir pakai kepala lutut, hawau.

raya 2016, day one

seperti raya-raya lepas, susun aturnya lebih kurang sama. yang lain cuma mak dan abah yang semakin dimamah usia. sepupu dan saudara mara yang bertambah umurnya, dan masing-masing yang semakin lama semakin jauh. seolah ada barrier antara kami padahal masa kecil dulu macam isi dengan kuku. on top of that, we grow closer to the people we were not so close before. see, people come and go.

diumur 24 tahun, aku masih lagi menerima duit raya. aint that amazing?

last year's raya, we talked about our other mother having her children wore the same baju raya like the year before, dalam timeframe yang agak lama. it happened every year. this year, kami pula yang recycle baju. bukan baju raya but baju yang baru sekali pakai tahun ni. see, karma's a bitch.

other than that, aku tak rindu pada momen-momen sewaktu degree. sungguh. sama ada ia adalah bad moments or hanya persahabatan yang dibina atas certain tujuan. tak apa. berikan peluang pada diri untuk hadam semua benda ni. walaupun aku selalu cuba positif by saying that these guys are the persons who're gonna give syafaat to you soon in akhirah. said, i'm sure there's positive side of it.

haih.. bercakap dengan diri sendiri is not healthy at all.

raya post(?)

sempena raya or end of this ramadhan, i wanna list out several things i regret doing:

i. knowing a character so well i ended up dealing with it every day for the whole year.

ii. i did not ignore things i should have.

iii. i cared too much of my own feelings, compared too much, jealous over things that were not mine.

iv. i was too stupid to actually care.

v. i did not see beyond the hardships and struggles.

vi. questioned about fate. questioned about rezeki. questioned about hardworks. compared, compared and compared.

somehow, i feel grateful. because of all the things listed, i managed to create a better me. sekurang-kurangnya i can see what i'm lacking and learn. i see myself at the worst, at the bottom. "connecting the dots," aite?

unimportant.

how do you totally forget the one who taught you how to love? how?

you can't. the thought of him floats and always there. it just shows up out of nowhere. it's lucky to be you, i thought. because somehow, somewhere, you're living in someone's memory, for a very, very long time.

things been turned out well, so far.

i. adding s'more blog to your reading list also means more judging and arguing sesh with self, Sarah.

ii. it looks like i can almost control all of my desires to tell some people how much blessings i got lately. which means, i don't need that kind of attention from people. and this calls for celebration, definitely.

iii. untuk semua para lelaki di luar sana yang berfikir (termasuk dear self) bahawa perempuan tidak boleh (atau limited in terms of energy/commitment) belerja dalam bidang maintenance, if i got the chance (which i really hope) i'm gonna show the world i can.

iv. if you dont get it, suck it.

v. if you still dont get it, SUCK IT.

vi. o' life. it's so good.

...and what happened was, she finally cried over the things she always wanted to tell him of how much she hated it.

so long. you will be missed.

i'll just pray that i'll pass all subjects.

so i guess this is the end of it.

taktahu nak rasa apa. cukuplah tuhan tahu how much i've been through. aku masih lagi tak memuat naik gambar thesis di mana-mana sosial media. it feels like i did not do it good enough. macam, andai aku tulis caption yang berjela-jela penuh syahdu, it does not fill up what i actually feel about my work. hence, what done is done.

kadang aku rasa, i need to remind myself that it's okay to celebrate. it's done. afterall, it's your effort. fyp dah habis. cukuplah mourn about it. cukuplah trying to prove everyone that you can do it when actually you're just trying hard to prove yourself.

you cannot do it. dah tertulis. let's just pray that you'll pass it, Sarah. have faith.

and be happy. come on, degree life's over. be happy.

may Allah ease, everything.

aku fikir, orang yang suka belajar ni mungkin dia fond to exams and grades. like, when you win a war. aku selalu tertanya kenapa. kenapa study? untuk dapatkan ilmu? kalau bekerja, tak dapat ilmu? aku rasa bekerja lagi dapat banyak ilmu. luas dan lebih banyak yang luar daripada bidang. mungkin sebab minat yang mendalam sebab tu seseorang tu sambung belajar. you know, minat yang mendalam untuk strive for 4flat, minat yang mendalam untuk kejar the Ir., Dr., Prof., titles. well, i do not know.

in a parallel universe somehow, i could have not getting into engineering school. instead, i'd be in art school making movies, or taking photographs, or doing some artsy, or examining art prints i don't even know the meaning of it. who would have known kan? i loved that, very much. but the world was not made that easy in people's eyes.

too many things i've gone through this year. tinggal beberapa hari saja lagi. aku harap semuanya berjalan lancar. a new phase of life. goals? i dont have it. short term goals? yeah like what everyone is having now. aku cuma berharap that i won't stop growing. i could not stop growing. please.

Woke up to the sound of the city, the smell of morning dust that never fails me, walking along the aisle of dead rooms, I found myself inhaling the odour of fresh washed clothes. Hostel. Thoughts running around my head, I can't stay long in this sinful city. Enough of 2 years of boarding school, and 7 years of university life. But we never knew what life will take us to.

Then, the water is done boiling. I need to make my teh tarik.

May 10, 2014

no, i'm not okay.

esok adalah first paper untuk semester terakhir. dan hari ini adalah satu ramadhan.

aku masih lagi tak dapat nak siapkan fyp.

'kau dah banyak usaha. takkan lah Allah tak tolong kau.' terus bermain dalam kepala. aku harap aku akan terus bersabar. tak pasti berapa liter air mata dah tumpah. kadang kata-kata sv sikit pun tak beri semangat pada aku when i know really his intention is really different.

anyway, i just hope i won't flunk a subject this year. nak grad on time although i dont have a job yet.

sabar. it's ramadhan.