it's been like almost 9 years aku bermastautin(?) di bumi Kuala Lumpur. who would've thought, i'm gonna end up here. well, at least for now isnt it? once, aku cakap kat one of my friends, "i wouldnt wanna work or settle in here, in KL. especially not here." dengan nada bongkak habis. look now, i'm licking my own shit figuratively.
i'm standing in a rapid moving train.
why not here?
entah. boleh kata, macam macam was on my mind. traffic jams. biggest worry. tolls. communication skills and confidence, which i lack. also, i wanted a long distance relationship. i wanted it to look more like i dont need someone more important than my family. but, i couldnt. habis belajar, terus cari kerja di sini. thinking there wont be any problem since kakak is here in KL. and i was wrong. she moved somewhere outside KL. that is still ok though. maybe, i have always liked it here.
what i liked about here?
the people. the faces. the cafes. the every building is a walking distance reach. the public transport. the bookshops. the sounds. the air. the foods. the homelesses. the parks. the overprice foods.
kalau aku bukan di sini, aku di mana?
ini bukan comfort zone. aku tahu, i'm growing. each and every month, i'm building up my self-worth, my net worth. loving, every inch of me each and everyday. kalau bukan di sini, mungkin bukan aku yang kau sepatutnya jumpa sekarang ini. dan, it's gonna be a very sad me. it's going to be very very sad.
catitan yang ditinggalkan.
March 26th, 2017
teringat teater terang malam yang aku tonton bersama syafiqah tempoh hari. berapa lama usia tempoh hari sebenarnya? selama ni aku tak pernah ambil tahu. memang benar lah orang kata, we tend to write when we sad. or confused. or just dont feel anything at all.
oh, tentang terang malam. 3 watak sepanjang penceritaan. lelaki, perempuan dan seorang tua lelaki bersama ukulele yang singgah di galeri lelaki, mengemis. aku mengelamun di tengah cerita. mungkin skrip mereka terlalu meleret untuk dihadam. i'm easily distracted ok. it was my first time watching teater too. i'd give 6.2/10. because of the plot twist.
right now i feel my life is more like watching it goes by. i am blessed, more or less. dan memang sepatutnya. everyone's getting married. everyone's travelling. it's good.
April 2nd, 2017
so, 1st quarter of 2017 sudah pun menjadi sejarah. so, how's yours? was it good or are you still catching up while hardly breathe?
aku masih lagi mengira masa-masa terbuang yang bakal dihisab. i came across a whatsapp status yang berbunyi, "sedarilah handphone adalah sesuatu yang sangat ringan dibawa oleh orang di dunia, namun di akhirat akan menjadi berat hisabnya. maka gunakanlah handphone untuk agamamu demi kebahagiaan di akhirat." when was the last time i thought about this? 2006 or something?
i used to not think about money too much. masalah kewangan bukan menjadi masalah nombor satu kalau disenaraikan bersama masalah-masalah lain. tapi sekarang semuanya bercelaru. i'm not slipping off track either. ah, ini bukan apa-apa. langgar.
meanwhile, 6 months old sayyidah nafisah.
teringat teater terang malam yang aku tonton bersama syafiqah tempoh hari. berapa lama usia tempoh hari sebenarnya? selama ni aku tak pernah ambil tahu. memang benar lah orang kata, we tend to write when we sad. or confused. or just dont feel anything at all.
oh, tentang terang malam. 3 watak sepanjang penceritaan. lelaki, perempuan dan seorang tua lelaki bersama ukulele yang singgah di galeri lelaki, mengemis. aku mengelamun di tengah cerita. mungkin skrip mereka terlalu meleret untuk dihadam. i'm easily distracted ok. it was my first time watching teater too. i'd give 6.2/10. because of the plot twist.
right now i feel my life is more like watching it goes by. i am blessed, more or less. dan memang sepatutnya. everyone's getting married. everyone's travelling. it's good.
April 2nd, 2017
so, 1st quarter of 2017 sudah pun menjadi sejarah. so, how's yours? was it good or are you still catching up while hardly breathe?
aku masih lagi mengira masa-masa terbuang yang bakal dihisab. i came across a whatsapp status yang berbunyi, "sedarilah handphone adalah sesuatu yang sangat ringan dibawa oleh orang di dunia, namun di akhirat akan menjadi berat hisabnya. maka gunakanlah handphone untuk agamamu demi kebahagiaan di akhirat." when was the last time i thought about this? 2006 or something?
i used to not think about money too much. masalah kewangan bukan menjadi masalah nombor satu kalau disenaraikan bersama masalah-masalah lain. tapi sekarang semuanya bercelaru. i'm not slipping off track either. ah, ini bukan apa-apa. langgar.
meanwhile, 6 months old sayyidah nafisah.
ps: i'm not playing with anybody's feeling. i felt that too. it just didn't work out.
tulisan aku jarang tentang progress atau big moments dalam kehidupan aku. mostly, tentang perasaan. i always write when i'm practically sad. teringat kata-kata seorang kawan, "tak bosan ke hari-hari sembang cinta?" sebab what i'm gonna further write is also about love. fuck me, right?
i just thought, "i will never able to forgive myself." also i thought, "fuck you for still existing." aku adalah insan yang tenggelam dalam dosa sendiri. dosa yang teramat sangat besar yang pernah beberapa kali aku buat; playing with people's feelings. fuck me, right?
tak faham dengan orang yang boleh go on dengan kehidupan tanpa merasa perlu kembali ke masa silam. i guess they never commit a sin in their life.
if you're reading this, which you'd probably dont habe any idea this is about you, i would like to say, you're not the only one who fucked up. i made mistake. and i fucked up better than you've ever experienced.
i just thought, "i will never able to forgive myself." also i thought, "fuck you for still existing." aku adalah insan yang tenggelam dalam dosa sendiri. dosa yang teramat sangat besar yang pernah beberapa kali aku buat; playing with people's feelings. fuck me, right?
tak faham dengan orang yang boleh go on dengan kehidupan tanpa merasa perlu kembali ke masa silam. i guess they never commit a sin in their life.
if you're reading this, which you'd probably dont habe any idea this is about you, i would like to say, you're not the only one who fucked up. i made mistake. and i fucked up better than you've ever experienced.
meraba dalam kegelapan.
insecurities happen to work well in the middle of the night.
and i happen to care, a little bit too much.
kepada hati yang tatkala resah, gelisah, buntu;
tenang.
tenanglah walaupun ia sukar, walaupun ia pahit. kekosongan ini bakal diisi.
fikir yang baik-baik. aku mohon, fikir yang baik-baik.
and i happen to care, a little bit too much.
kepada hati yang tatkala resah, gelisah, buntu;
tenang.
tenanglah walaupun ia sukar, walaupun ia pahit. kekosongan ini bakal diisi.
fikir yang baik-baik. aku mohon, fikir yang baik-baik.
hari-hari kelabu.
i. the least of thing aku patut bother myself with at the moment is what people actually think of me.
ii. aku dalam keadaan tersepit di antara misi-misi dan azam-azam yang perlu aku selesaikan tahun ini.
iii. i need a lot of time dealing with myself. i always desperately in need a lot of alone time.
iv. staring people in the eyes while talking can be quite dangerous. on the bright side, it builds confidence in you. try it, but remember not to fall for anyone.
v. if this is not feeling overpower than anyone else then, i don't know what is.
vi. tak tahu samada aku mengejar bayang atau aku dikejar bayang. tak tahu samada aku menyimpan dendam atau dendam menyimpan aku. yang paling pasti, both hurt. both really fucking hurt.
vii. rindu, tapi ego. rindu. tapi sangat ego. rindu. bau kampung.
viii. we tend to like forbidden things more. just like teh tarik. just like teh tarik..
ii. aku dalam keadaan tersepit di antara misi-misi dan azam-azam yang perlu aku selesaikan tahun ini.
iii. i need a lot of time dealing with myself. i always desperately in need a lot of alone time.
iv. staring people in the eyes while talking can be quite dangerous. on the bright side, it builds confidence in you. try it, but remember not to fall for anyone.
v. if this is not feeling overpower than anyone else then, i don't know what is.
vi. tak tahu samada aku mengejar bayang atau aku dikejar bayang. tak tahu samada aku menyimpan dendam atau dendam menyimpan aku. yang paling pasti, both hurt. both really fucking hurt.
vii. rindu, tapi ego. rindu. tapi sangat ego. rindu. bau kampung.
viii. we tend to like forbidden things more. just like teh tarik. just like teh tarik..
here's a list of things on what actually happened during my incapable days of journaling moment in my life.
i. long talks with people i barely knew before, tiba-tiba datang dan stuffed my days with broader views. i loved where God had put me into. i really do.
ii. new year was different this year. couldn't ask for more.
iii. niat untuk menulis recap of 2016 hanyalah sekadar niat. maybe i was never good at writing the past.
iv. cheers to another year of growing up. cheers to another year of living fully. or so, the idea of it.
v. i somehow able to swallow whatever may come, each and every day. but that doesn't simply mean, i'm just letting everything through.
vi. people are making big moves. while i'm here just wanna grow a big heart. super big heart that others forget how small i actually am.
ii. new year was different this year. couldn't ask for more.
iii. niat untuk menulis recap of 2016 hanyalah sekadar niat. maybe i was never good at writing the past.
iv. cheers to another year of growing up. cheers to another year of living fully. or so, the idea of it.
v. i somehow able to swallow whatever may come, each and every day. but that doesn't simply mean, i'm just letting everything through.
vi. people are making big moves. while i'm here just wanna grow a big heart. super big heart that others forget how small i actually am.
damn feels
one thing for sure, you should finish what you've started. especially bila kau tulis dengan perasaan. well, everyone writes with feelings aren't we? yesterday i felt so warm blankets and after rains. today feels more like shit. ada tulisan yang tak habis semalam dan the flowery me only happened yesterday. oh god why everything turned shits today? oh goddd.
dark
maybe i should write something even more depressing. just like my feelings right now. you see, i've become more and more calculative these days. i count how long would you take to reply my message(s), count how much you uttered your love towards me, i count how much i should reach to buy all the things you want in the world. i count how much i've invest and how much longer can i stand. sure, parents know how hard it is to raise a kid.
i woke up to a dream of in loved with my colleague when i know for certain i can never in love with everybody else just because i crave attention so much. aku fikir, maybe this is what heartbroken people do. the absence is real. the lost, is real.
i woke up to a dream of in loved with my colleague when i know for certain i can never in love with everybody else just because i crave attention so much. aku fikir, maybe this is what heartbroken people do. the absence is real. the lost, is real.
if you're wondering what i'm doing
today, i felt like i was in a surgery room conducting a surgery.
it all started when few TM members reported that they couldnt login to the system. you see, that's what it's like to be in a maintenance team working with networks running everyday non-stop for 365 days; you have to act fast. nak tak nak, you have to understand that delaying can also cause death. or what our bosses said, "we arent just maintaining systems, our actions can cost people's lives."
i remembered, you were saying as if this kind of 'engineering' job is somewhat 'too common'. and i was sitting there making my ok face sebab i realized this 'too common' job's gonna pay hell lot in 2 years time you just wait.
i know i said that having lots of money doesnt count as success. be real, people pay you alot when you have experiences so blame the society. it's okay though cause someday, imma start my own kickstarter and blow your mind to pieces you can no longer talk.
it all started when few TM members reported that they couldnt login to the system. you see, that's what it's like to be in a maintenance team working with networks running everyday non-stop for 365 days; you have to act fast. nak tak nak, you have to understand that delaying can also cause death. or what our bosses said, "we arent just maintaining systems, our actions can cost people's lives."
i remembered, you were saying as if this kind of 'engineering' job is somewhat 'too common'. and i was sitting there making my ok face sebab i realized this 'too common' job's gonna pay hell lot in 2 years time you just wait.
i know i said that having lots of money doesnt count as success. be real, people pay you alot when you have experiences so blame the society. it's okay though cause someday, imma start my own kickstarter and blow your mind to pieces you can no longer talk.
little of now
last two weeks, i had a - what you might called - short vacation to terengganu. the purpose was mainly to attend my friend's wedding. plus, i just had to stay outside of kuala lumpur for awhile.
meeting old course mates was somewhat brings back memories though i dont have much i could remember about them. it was fun anyway. tak percaya that we grow up so fast. i started thinking about buying a house already. when i brought this up to him - of saving for a house - he chuckled, disbelief of what he just heard out of me. i, somehow, aged so much.
when i was in primary, i thought, this day would never came. i'd never got old. i didnt even think i will pass marriage stage, not this far for sure. i dont know. i just felt like that. it happened still. it is happening. i got a job that doesnt require me to drive to work and it's amazing. life's amazing. at least for now.
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