Nota-nota.

1. Sejujurnya, aku benci how the world works. Well actually, who doesn't?

2. Apa agaknya perasaan belajar tanpa menggunakan duit sendiri. Well when I think about it again, on the money itself lies responsibilities. Walaupun ianya diberi nama 'biasiswa', bukan bermakna ianya adalah percuma, ia duit rakyat.

3. I feel unlucky bila wujudnya darjat dan pangkat. Sangat. Nonetheless, I know I shouldn't have because probably, someone has littler than I have.

4. The books are getting piled up. I lost myself in finding time to spend with those books. They're surely really really sad.

5. Aku tak perlu cuti yang panjang untuk lari daripada ketegangan kerana sudah tinggal lebih kurang separuh semester sebelum berakhir. Aku cuma perlu tidur yang cukup dan halwa telinga sebagai santapan petang.

6. Aku suka hujan. Kerana ia menenangkan jiwa dan menyejukkan hati. Terima kasih Tuhan untuk hujan. Terima kasih.

Kepada yang berkenaan.

Dan hanya apabila engkau sudah mati, datanglah engkau kepada kami dan buktikan kata-kata engkau itu bukan hanya caci maki terhadap pegangan kami.

No I am not missing you so stop attaching your face on my mind and go away!

Fuck.

I'm afraid.

Some people, they remind you about someone. Their height, their skin color, their body shape, their hair, their eyes, the way they act.

I walked pass through a guy. His skin color, his eyes, his height, reminded me of someone I knew. I couldn't really remember him, but a glimpse of the guy had triggered my memory that he resembled him, or he was really him. Like, something eats some part of my memory it makes me doubt about anyone I've met or talked to.

Can you miss someone's face? Just, his/her face, can you? Because you think you're losing memory about them bit by bit, in your head. You're losing them.

Hollow.

Woke up at this hour with nothing much to do makes things worst. I find myself staring thorough the darkness searching for something I don't even know what it is.

A saviour is all need. But the id in me refuses to seek for it. I am far, far slipping off track I know that.

Caffeine. Caffeine helps me think.

Makkuro.

I can be weird and I am feeling weird, afraid of things unseen, berkira-kira pada ketentuan tuhan dan cuba meneka pada benda yang belum terjadi.

Future now is void. If you categorized future as thing, now, it's like nothing. You can't feel it, you can't see it, you can't assume it because it's future. It's weird. It's dream. It's sci-fi.

So shut it. Shut everything that comes to your mind, shut. It's just thought. You are going to be alright.

Trust, anything you think you can trust. Trust that you're gonna be alright.

Demon.

I skipped morning prayer for rows now I failed to remember how many days has it been.

I guess my demon is showing up.

Rambling #5

So something actually came up to my mind, can talent get expired? I mean, can it just gone when you're not using it. Or you stop using it. Or you stop brushing it up. Will it gone?

It's been like, I can't remember, the last time I hold a pencil and actually draw something. Tak, aku tidak takut kalau-kalau aku tak tahu bagaimana nak memulakan a stroke. Sebab I'm fond to the techniques and stuff, just that, the sketching would turn out awkward and dull.

Tapi bukan itu yang bermain di fikiran aku. Bagaimana kalau seorang penulis berhenti menulis? Adakah tulisan dia akan mejadi dull and dead?

Aku tak perlu jawapan. Sebab hasrat yang aku cuba nyatakan, seolah selembar benang yang ditarik panjang lalu ia bersimpul simpul.

I actually have so much in my head, words and letters I can't put it into sentences.
It's weird.

Living the moment.

Maybe, just maybe, laying here and listening to the fray's how to save a life album, is alive.
Maybe, just maybe, crossing legs and think about what to write without even bother what time is it now because it's late for a shower, the invisible wind coming from the fan is just keep on caressing every inch of skin you don't wanna get up.

I need a hug where a cup of coffee lives.

Shortage.

Aku melepaskan ikatan rambut, membuang helaian yang gugur pada getah rambut. Dan aku memandang abah yang dari tadi memerhati, sambil mengangkat kening.

"Rambut gugur." Aku memulakan perbualan.

"Tanda-tanda penuaan." Abah menyahut.

"Haha."
"Well everyone gets old, don't we?" kataku dalam hati.

And the conversation ended there.