6 things in my mind right now.

1. A baby is the purest living thing ever happen in the world.

2. I stepped on a tree trunk and everything seemed more detail. I remembered how much I hated heels I only wear sneakers.

3. Kids are always annoying and they're the most adorable thing for your eyes to ever land on to.

4. I think people live on dreams. That's why they are still alive, just like me.

5. Sometimes, I miss the people I shouldn't have missed. I wanted to say everything to them but then I didn't wanna look like a desperate.

6. I miss you, i miss you, i miss you damn I miss you.

People like me, we weren't born genius.

I pat my heart telling it to stay concrete.

Nowadays
It's hard to get what I want. Maybe I've been bitter towards god. And I've been a lot sinful than usual. I know I strived hard for nothing because blessings weren't there. They said even if you're an atheist but when you work hard, you'll get what you want. I guess it doesn't work for me, not that I don't believe in god. I'm still telling myself that it's okay. It is okay.

You know it's super bad when you start stuffing your ears with earplugs while listening to blasting music around the house and things just tossing and turning around your head you refuse to talk to anyone.

This is not good.

"We are all going, I thought, and it applies to turtles and turtle-necks, Alaska the girl and Alaska the place, because nothing can last, not even the earth itself. The Buddha said the suffering was caused by desire, we'd learned, and that the cessation of desire meant the cessation of suffering. When you stopped wishing things wouldn't fall apart, you'd stop suffering when they did."

--John Green, Looking For Alaska.

Ever since I arrived home, my routine going back around basically from wake up, eat, read, online, sleep and repeat. Nothing much is change but somehow, I feel productive. Although I've been doing the same thing over again, I actually have a different book to read, different thing to browse and absolutely different kind of food to eat.

I somehow, don't feel welcome in the woods no matter how many times I go in there. But the trees and the singing crickets are keeping me calm at times, except the annoying sinless bugs. I miss my dear sisters and brothers. Can sooner be now?

And so I thought, all of the lifes I've been keeping will eventually die. Because the enthusiasm that once I've felt, is snailing away. Sometimes I don't feel myself wanting all of that because I forgot how it was, wanting people to see you, to know that you exist, so much. I remember those feelings when I sat on the sand facing the vastness of the sea watching the waves kissing the shore and how the salty breeze caressing each skin I forgot about my problems. Everything felt lighter than ever. I wanted to go back at that time. I needed to see more natures.

You know that time when you read the holy book and it feels different than you read those novels piling up your dusty shelf. It feels heavier. Sometimes it feels like everything in you is gonna explode.

I read rather a lot this holy month. Honestly, I'm not really sacrificing. Despite of all that, I still feel yesterday and days before yesterday, is a waste of time. I think I need to get away from this state. I need a vacation. Alone.

Setting fire.

I'd be lying if i say I don't miss you at all. The pleasure of keeping it all inside and prove how concrete I'd be, the idea to ignore it somehow is unbearable. You might have think that I'm heartless or ignorant or self-centered I can't deny. Maybe part of me had left alone long enough that makes me who I am now.

RM250 worth spent.