rage, personal and everything in between.

i. as i get older, i found that there's nothing wrong with being like everyone else. macam, suka dengan the usual, dengan not being different. before, i thought being different than everybody else is what defines you but it is certainly not. i used to prefer hanging out at the library or the bookstore over watching movies at the cinema or eating out at fancy restaurants. who cares anyway as long as you know what you're doing.

ii. kadang aku juga merasakan bahawa when i write in malay, people will not take me seriously. or i may find that i'm not so serious to tell what's going on inside my head. don't get me wrong. i like writing in malay too it's just i stopped reading malay literature when i was 22 exactly when i started reading to Haruki Murakami's and Fixi's books were getting worst and i no longer interested in malay poetry because some that i liked are bloody hard to digest. i gave up(?) on malay, i guess. however, i'm still talking and learning to construct my words in my head from time to time so i can continuously speak in humble manner (in malay) to the eldest. god, i know i'm sweet.

iii. why would almost every girl (probably who think they loved makeup) gets crazy over 20% off at Sephora? i mean it's only 20% off and then they had to act like they're broke or they're going broke. ntah apa-apa. i once went there and i was losing my mind because why on earth would girls buy those makeups with insane prices especially when they already had too many in their makeup bag, especially when you still have makeup dupes with the same shade and therefore can save more money? these people are so pathetic they don't know how to manage their personal finance.

iv. now aku faham kenapa you won't feel a thing when you buy things using those money your parents gave you claiming you had saved them as a reward for yourself because spending money hasil titik peluh kau is very different. you start to appreciate it. and you stop being stupid and start to invest on it. you start to act on yourself and be responsible. these are the things those spoilt brat don't understand. these are the things they're missing out in their 20s. i feel sorry for them.

the year's passing fast

i. lately, i found myself caught up with thoughts raucous inside my head. like they're finding their way out while i on the other side, am blocking them to get through. you see, a genius' mind is not that easy to handle.

ii. i need to really smile a lot at people instead at surroundings other than people. because often i found myself smiling at trees of buildings or people's action when they're not looking.

iii. for once, i prefer the traditional way for travelling. it's so easy to get cheap ticket flights nowadays. and you have so many options.

iv. i am the kind of person who loves to annoy you more with the things you hate when you show how much you hate it. so, don't show. and don't ever ask me why.

v. aku perasan one thing for sure. that's, when you start to buy a book after another and you haven't start reading the latest book you just bought (or many others you haven't), it shows you that you just love the shopping not the reading. i know i'm right.

wait now

i have lost 98% of myself and what's inside my body. aku adalah yang di antara tergesa-gesa membuka pintu dengan yang give up not even halfway through. pernah wonder what'll happen to your own body when you're no longer own it?

seketul 'bean'

i have so many things happened in my life this whole week. and i should have write a thing in a single post at least but i failed. i refused to. malas.

i've been on this blog like every day. you see, i have so many free times to kill but then i just stared at the dashboard, viewed my pageviews, or read people's posts only when theywere worth my seconds. i want to write tapi i failed to construct the words beautifully or you could say sedap enough to read.

i don't really like brainstorming, on everything. though it sort of helps my brain.

anyway, kakak had delivered a beautiful princess yesterday. how time flies, right? i felt like i just wrote about her marriage yesterday. so i thought i'd share few photos of her cute baby and i can't wait for our first meeting ever!

isnt she the prettiest?

i need a break, desperately

dan segala rahmat yang telah kau berikan, hati ini masih menginginkan lebih dari yang sepatutnya. ampunkan hati ini, tuhan.

icon fashion my ass

honestly, i dont really spoil myself with material things to get the best look of me from the outside. for instance, pretty outfits. somehow, there's a person who really like to shower me with this kind of thing.

it's not that i hate it. who's crazy enough to not like free stuff? i just do not prefer it, more like it'll be the last thing i want on my list. if you really wanna buy me things, really, just procure me a book or a plant or a bicycle or a camera or any cute tools that i can improve myself inside out instead of wasting money on clothes.

it's not a big deal though. i just feel like everyone is making a mannequine out of themselves. showing off their pretty clothes, walking in them not knowing who they really wanna be in which they'd rather be anyone but them. it's heartbreaking. the famous instagrammers are winning. and i'm not happy.

butter. fly.

i. scanning through list of houses or rooms to be rented, i realized i don't need this shit. well, maybe not this instant. i still have few more months to think it thorough. so, classy condo or executive apartment?

ii. i'm just not making sense. i just did a practice on how to use through and thorough correctly. and made myself clearer.

iii. not having a car is good. having a car is good too. especially when you only have to commit on its maintenance. either way, i really enjoy my time alone these days.

iv. i mean look at me, i'm all happy walking from home to work and repeat. i can see people. probably judge them if it's necessary. this is a small city with shitload of people. it's amazing.

v. i love what i'm doing now. my heart is growing. bigger than the past. probably bigger than yours. you cannot defeat me with your hates. because i am so full and content and healing and pretty things. and love. a lot of love.

i am not quite myself anymore

after a long period of time, aku cuba untuk sentiasa, setiap hari, berfikir perkara yang baik-baik. boleh dikatakan, bermula terbit fajar sehingga terbit fajar esoknya. dan ia telah menjadi rutin. if anyone ever tried to ruin it, aku akan cuba sedaya aku untuk masih berfikir yang baik-baik. it's been a year now. it's good. it feels good. but i do have cheat days. macam work out. sometimes, you gotta have cheat days. this is more like a mental workouts. and today had become one of those cheat days. i want to rip my chest open and pull everything out. i mean, literally. i cant cry. a year before it was so easy. am i already become so comfortable with happiness? i can feel a crack from the inside, like a very heavy load but i cant throw it out no matter how hard i try. like myself wont let me. it hurts. it hurts so much that i dont have tears for it. this body of mine is changing itself to something i barely know of.

train thoughts

sometimes, i think about what we're having now, or my feelings. all at once. do old couples have the same feeling i felt? or at least once in their lifetime? i was thinking, is this really my decision?

aku macam nak cakap tapi taknak cakap.

... Lol.

this train sucks. lets just end it here.

the art of pure loyalty

knowing someone you loved, texting and flirting with others breaks your heart. tapi aku pun bukan baik sangat. i think loyalty is never fulfilled. i mean, talk about pure loyalty, a perfect definition atau fahaman of loyalty. pets are loyal. pets are honest.

human tak. human is the proportional of that. what to do? we're all made up of good values but we chose to be the opposite of it.

i think the highest possibility of loyalty one can achieve is 98%. mesti akan ada 1 or 2 lies and dishonest act kan? like, flirtationship in the absence of their girl or boy. and the weakest excuse had ever crossed my ears was "i didnt mean it." (???)

-- 16th June 2016.