i. i found myself reading to the same blog entry almost as ritual. it's fascinating to the extent of how much it affects my writings these days.
ii. not that i'd write often but that's just how things are.
iii. anyway, i found murakami isnt as cool as the murakami i used to read.
iv. also, i found stephen chbowsky doppleganger. i hope he is. or better. lets just pray for that.
v. i fold bed covers and use it as a pillow. it's so comfortable i'd suggest everyone to try it.
vi. it's ramadhan 4th. i'm doing better, hoping for everyone too.
vii. a year and a half after kakak's marriage, there will be ika's. and abah is asking me when is my turn more often now.
viii. i dont feel like i'm gonna get through marriage, not until i turn 30. it's scary to have that thought. that i'm not gonna get married soon, not in a year or two but more.
good things are coming
good news come like after rain. orang-orang yang aku look up to so much in my life, sikit-sikit, taking a leap to a more mature self. improving. it's good. it's good.
anyway, i have a lot to write in which aku tak tahu macam mana untuk cut them into phrases atau flow yang sedap dibaca.
kalau aku boleh tunjukkan macam mana flow hidup aku dalam bentuk graph sekarang ni, i would be more than grateful. however, i dont know where should i start. coming here, settle down. cari rumah, kenal dengan orang baru, managing own financial, surviving, adapting. tak sangka i passed through all of it. syukur. terima kasih kepada yang turut sama ada dalam proses ini. serius. nak mula, bukan senang.
aku masih lagi macam ni. belajar untuk mengenal orang in a polite way. belajar untuk tak judge. belajar untuk sebolehnya faham dengan situasi orang. bersyukur sebab tuhan letak aku jauh daripada orang-orang dan perkara-perkara negatif. bersyukur dengan apa ada. walaupun tak mewah tapi aku rasa cukup. kesan daripada semua ni, aku memilih untuk look forward in life. untuk tak takut untuk teruskan hidup. dengan izin tuhan, semoga Dia mudahkan.
kalau aku boleh tunjukkan macam mana flow hidup aku dalam bentuk graph sekarang ni, i would be more than grateful. however, i dont know where should i start. coming here, settle down. cari rumah, kenal dengan orang baru, managing own financial, surviving, adapting. tak sangka i passed through all of it. syukur. terima kasih kepada yang turut sama ada dalam proses ini. serius. nak mula, bukan senang.
aku masih lagi macam ni. belajar untuk mengenal orang in a polite way. belajar untuk tak judge. belajar untuk sebolehnya faham dengan situasi orang. bersyukur sebab tuhan letak aku jauh daripada orang-orang dan perkara-perkara negatif. bersyukur dengan apa ada. walaupun tak mewah tapi aku rasa cukup. kesan daripada semua ni, aku memilih untuk look forward in life. untuk tak takut untuk teruskan hidup. dengan izin tuhan, semoga Dia mudahkan.
kalau bukan di sini, di mana?
it's been like almost 9 years aku bermastautin(?) di bumi Kuala Lumpur. who would've thought, i'm gonna end up here. well, at least for now isnt it? once, aku cakap kat one of my friends, "i wouldnt wanna work or settle in here, in KL. especially not here." dengan nada bongkak habis. look now, i'm licking my own shit figuratively.
i'm standing in a rapid moving train.
why not here?
entah. boleh kata, macam macam was on my mind. traffic jams. biggest worry. tolls. communication skills and confidence, which i lack. also, i wanted a long distance relationship. i wanted it to look more like i dont need someone more important than my family. but, i couldnt. habis belajar, terus cari kerja di sini. thinking there wont be any problem since kakak is here in KL. and i was wrong. she moved somewhere outside KL. that is still ok though. maybe, i have always liked it here.
what i liked about here?
the people. the faces. the cafes. the every building is a walking distance reach. the public transport. the bookshops. the sounds. the air. the foods. the homelesses. the parks. the overprice foods.
kalau aku bukan di sini, aku di mana?
ini bukan comfort zone. aku tahu, i'm growing. each and every month, i'm building up my self-worth, my net worth. loving, every inch of me each and everyday. kalau bukan di sini, mungkin bukan aku yang kau sepatutnya jumpa sekarang ini. dan, it's gonna be a very sad me. it's going to be very very sad.
i'm standing in a rapid moving train.
why not here?
entah. boleh kata, macam macam was on my mind. traffic jams. biggest worry. tolls. communication skills and confidence, which i lack. also, i wanted a long distance relationship. i wanted it to look more like i dont need someone more important than my family. but, i couldnt. habis belajar, terus cari kerja di sini. thinking there wont be any problem since kakak is here in KL. and i was wrong. she moved somewhere outside KL. that is still ok though. maybe, i have always liked it here.
what i liked about here?
the people. the faces. the cafes. the every building is a walking distance reach. the public transport. the bookshops. the sounds. the air. the foods. the homelesses. the parks. the overprice foods.
kalau aku bukan di sini, aku di mana?
ini bukan comfort zone. aku tahu, i'm growing. each and every month, i'm building up my self-worth, my net worth. loving, every inch of me each and everyday. kalau bukan di sini, mungkin bukan aku yang kau sepatutnya jumpa sekarang ini. dan, it's gonna be a very sad me. it's going to be very very sad.
catitan yang ditinggalkan.
March 26th, 2017
teringat teater terang malam yang aku tonton bersama syafiqah tempoh hari. berapa lama usia tempoh hari sebenarnya? selama ni aku tak pernah ambil tahu. memang benar lah orang kata, we tend to write when we sad. or confused. or just dont feel anything at all.
oh, tentang terang malam. 3 watak sepanjang penceritaan. lelaki, perempuan dan seorang tua lelaki bersama ukulele yang singgah di galeri lelaki, mengemis. aku mengelamun di tengah cerita. mungkin skrip mereka terlalu meleret untuk dihadam. i'm easily distracted ok. it was my first time watching teater too. i'd give 6.2/10. because of the plot twist.
right now i feel my life is more like watching it goes by. i am blessed, more or less. dan memang sepatutnya. everyone's getting married. everyone's travelling. it's good.
April 2nd, 2017
so, 1st quarter of 2017 sudah pun menjadi sejarah. so, how's yours? was it good or are you still catching up while hardly breathe?
aku masih lagi mengira masa-masa terbuang yang bakal dihisab. i came across a whatsapp status yang berbunyi, "sedarilah handphone adalah sesuatu yang sangat ringan dibawa oleh orang di dunia, namun di akhirat akan menjadi berat hisabnya. maka gunakanlah handphone untuk agamamu demi kebahagiaan di akhirat." when was the last time i thought about this? 2006 or something?
i used to not think about money too much. masalah kewangan bukan menjadi masalah nombor satu kalau disenaraikan bersama masalah-masalah lain. tapi sekarang semuanya bercelaru. i'm not slipping off track either. ah, ini bukan apa-apa. langgar.
meanwhile, 6 months old sayyidah nafisah.
teringat teater terang malam yang aku tonton bersama syafiqah tempoh hari. berapa lama usia tempoh hari sebenarnya? selama ni aku tak pernah ambil tahu. memang benar lah orang kata, we tend to write when we sad. or confused. or just dont feel anything at all.
oh, tentang terang malam. 3 watak sepanjang penceritaan. lelaki, perempuan dan seorang tua lelaki bersama ukulele yang singgah di galeri lelaki, mengemis. aku mengelamun di tengah cerita. mungkin skrip mereka terlalu meleret untuk dihadam. i'm easily distracted ok. it was my first time watching teater too. i'd give 6.2/10. because of the plot twist.
right now i feel my life is more like watching it goes by. i am blessed, more or less. dan memang sepatutnya. everyone's getting married. everyone's travelling. it's good.
April 2nd, 2017
so, 1st quarter of 2017 sudah pun menjadi sejarah. so, how's yours? was it good or are you still catching up while hardly breathe?
aku masih lagi mengira masa-masa terbuang yang bakal dihisab. i came across a whatsapp status yang berbunyi, "sedarilah handphone adalah sesuatu yang sangat ringan dibawa oleh orang di dunia, namun di akhirat akan menjadi berat hisabnya. maka gunakanlah handphone untuk agamamu demi kebahagiaan di akhirat." when was the last time i thought about this? 2006 or something?
i used to not think about money too much. masalah kewangan bukan menjadi masalah nombor satu kalau disenaraikan bersama masalah-masalah lain. tapi sekarang semuanya bercelaru. i'm not slipping off track either. ah, ini bukan apa-apa. langgar.
meanwhile, 6 months old sayyidah nafisah.
ps: i'm not playing with anybody's feeling. i felt that too. it just didn't work out.
tulisan aku jarang tentang progress atau big moments dalam kehidupan aku. mostly, tentang perasaan. i always write when i'm practically sad. teringat kata-kata seorang kawan, "tak bosan ke hari-hari sembang cinta?" sebab what i'm gonna further write is also about love. fuck me, right?
i just thought, "i will never able to forgive myself." also i thought, "fuck you for still existing." aku adalah insan yang tenggelam dalam dosa sendiri. dosa yang teramat sangat besar yang pernah beberapa kali aku buat; playing with people's feelings. fuck me, right?
tak faham dengan orang yang boleh go on dengan kehidupan tanpa merasa perlu kembali ke masa silam. i guess they never commit a sin in their life.
if you're reading this, which you'd probably dont habe any idea this is about you, i would like to say, you're not the only one who fucked up. i made mistake. and i fucked up better than you've ever experienced.
i just thought, "i will never able to forgive myself." also i thought, "fuck you for still existing." aku adalah insan yang tenggelam dalam dosa sendiri. dosa yang teramat sangat besar yang pernah beberapa kali aku buat; playing with people's feelings. fuck me, right?
tak faham dengan orang yang boleh go on dengan kehidupan tanpa merasa perlu kembali ke masa silam. i guess they never commit a sin in their life.
if you're reading this, which you'd probably dont habe any idea this is about you, i would like to say, you're not the only one who fucked up. i made mistake. and i fucked up better than you've ever experienced.
meraba dalam kegelapan.
insecurities happen to work well in the middle of the night.
and i happen to care, a little bit too much.
kepada hati yang tatkala resah, gelisah, buntu;
tenang.
tenanglah walaupun ia sukar, walaupun ia pahit. kekosongan ini bakal diisi.
fikir yang baik-baik. aku mohon, fikir yang baik-baik.
and i happen to care, a little bit too much.
kepada hati yang tatkala resah, gelisah, buntu;
tenang.
tenanglah walaupun ia sukar, walaupun ia pahit. kekosongan ini bakal diisi.
fikir yang baik-baik. aku mohon, fikir yang baik-baik.
hari-hari kelabu.
i. the least of thing aku patut bother myself with at the moment is what people actually think of me.
ii. aku dalam keadaan tersepit di antara misi-misi dan azam-azam yang perlu aku selesaikan tahun ini.
iii. i need a lot of time dealing with myself. i always desperately in need a lot of alone time.
iv. staring people in the eyes while talking can be quite dangerous. on the bright side, it builds confidence in you. try it, but remember not to fall for anyone.
v. if this is not feeling overpower than anyone else then, i don't know what is.
vi. tak tahu samada aku mengejar bayang atau aku dikejar bayang. tak tahu samada aku menyimpan dendam atau dendam menyimpan aku. yang paling pasti, both hurt. both really fucking hurt.
vii. rindu, tapi ego. rindu. tapi sangat ego. rindu. bau kampung.
viii. we tend to like forbidden things more. just like teh tarik. just like teh tarik..
ii. aku dalam keadaan tersepit di antara misi-misi dan azam-azam yang perlu aku selesaikan tahun ini.
iii. i need a lot of time dealing with myself. i always desperately in need a lot of alone time.
iv. staring people in the eyes while talking can be quite dangerous. on the bright side, it builds confidence in you. try it, but remember not to fall for anyone.
v. if this is not feeling overpower than anyone else then, i don't know what is.
vi. tak tahu samada aku mengejar bayang atau aku dikejar bayang. tak tahu samada aku menyimpan dendam atau dendam menyimpan aku. yang paling pasti, both hurt. both really fucking hurt.
vii. rindu, tapi ego. rindu. tapi sangat ego. rindu. bau kampung.
viii. we tend to like forbidden things more. just like teh tarik. just like teh tarik..
here's a list of things on what actually happened during my incapable days of journaling moment in my life.
i. long talks with people i barely knew before, tiba-tiba datang dan stuffed my days with broader views. i loved where God had put me into. i really do.
ii. new year was different this year. couldn't ask for more.
iii. niat untuk menulis recap of 2016 hanyalah sekadar niat. maybe i was never good at writing the past.
iv. cheers to another year of growing up. cheers to another year of living fully. or so, the idea of it.
v. i somehow able to swallow whatever may come, each and every day. but that doesn't simply mean, i'm just letting everything through.
vi. people are making big moves. while i'm here just wanna grow a big heart. super big heart that others forget how small i actually am.
ii. new year was different this year. couldn't ask for more.
iii. niat untuk menulis recap of 2016 hanyalah sekadar niat. maybe i was never good at writing the past.
iv. cheers to another year of growing up. cheers to another year of living fully. or so, the idea of it.
v. i somehow able to swallow whatever may come, each and every day. but that doesn't simply mean, i'm just letting everything through.
vi. people are making big moves. while i'm here just wanna grow a big heart. super big heart that others forget how small i actually am.
damn feels
one thing for sure, you should finish what you've started. especially bila kau tulis dengan perasaan. well, everyone writes with feelings aren't we? yesterday i felt so warm blankets and after rains. today feels more like shit. ada tulisan yang tak habis semalam dan the flowery me only happened yesterday. oh god why everything turned shits today? oh goddd.
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