That's it. I've changed. End of story.

I'm gonna get fixed, eventually.

Apa yang sedang aku lakukan adalah lari. Berlari daripada semua orang. Terutamanya mereka. Mereka yang pernah hadir dan pada perkiraan aku, masih hadir disisi.

Dan fakta yang mengambil masa selamanya untuk aku hadam adalah tiada daripada mereka yang akan cuba mencari. Masing masing terlalu sibuk menjaga hati
masing masing. Aku sepatutnya lebih sedar dari awal.

Kadang kadang, aku salahkan diri sendiri menjebakkan diri dalam kancah yang dulunya aku tak pernah kisah. Dan aku sangat, sangat, teramat sangat nak lari dari diri sendiri.

Apa yang berlaku.

Apa yang berlaku pada malam tahun baru adalah aku sendiri tidak menyambut tahun baru. Untuk apa?

Aku tidur awal dan bangun awal seperti hari hari biasa. Dan aku rasa it's a common thing to me that I don't celebrate new year eve. Same goes to national day and birthdays.

Sekurang-kurangnya aku dah skipped all the bullshits people had done to my timeline and dashboard and newsfeed. Sebab aku sendiri tahu yang malam tahun baru aku akan dihabiskan menelaah timeline.

Dan aku tak nampak rasional menyambut perayaan itu ini kecuali kau merayakan kejayaan kau. Itu adalah something.

If this is what you called letting go, then I'm letting you go.

I still remember when you said that you don't know what's exactly we're having, what's this kind of thing that you wanted it to mean something which you eventually put it, us, as best friends.

What'd came up to my mind at that time was, do you really understand what best friends mean?

I thought I was okay but I'm not. I tried. And it hurt like hell. I swallowed everything and I tried not to care, pretending that it was okay, that I'm gonna be fine, eventually.

And now, I'm pretty sure I made it. But you, you're still in your doing-things-right mode which makes you afraid of mistakes and your pasts and what not. And you still don't get it what best friends is like do you? You never get it.

I know you're sorry. You'll forever feel sorry. What I had inside is bitter all over. I've already forgive you and will forever be because that's what friends, or in this case, best friends are for. Just that I can't make a bitter heart turns just alright.

You are free. You knew already, you're fond to the fact that we never attached on us something special or formal or exclusive whatever. And I never keep you as mine and you can do anything you want. And you don't have to feel sorry cause you didn't burn any soul. I don't even blame you for I have these kind of feelings. I won't.

We're gonna be best friends, and I will always try to be there when you need me.

It's no one's fault.

Sometimes I miss when Abah used to be around everyday at home.

Aku tak pernah cerita pasal ni, pada sesiapa pun. Because I thought I was okay, I was tough, I could handle it. It was nothing.

But right now, it seems different.

Memang orang cakap, keluarga besar tu bagus. On top of that, everyone seems like they moved on. But sometimes, thoughts come up. Memories pop up.

Aku bukanlah seorang yang sangat rapat dengan Abah. Bercakap pun jarang, apatah lagi nak minta itu ini. Memang tak pernah pun dia tanya belajar macam mana atau pasal kehidupan atau kawan-kawan. Yang selalu tanya hanyalah Mak. Ya sebab dia ialah seorang ayah.

Kadang-kadang aku rasa aku sepatutnya lebih hargai masa-masa dahulu sewaktu Abah sentiasa ada dengan kami. Sepatutnya aku lebih banyak masa dengan Abah. Sepatutnya aku lebih banyak bercerita dengan Abah. Memang betul manusia tu sifatnya sangat kurang bersyukur, bila semua tu dah tiada barulah sibuk nak mengimbau.

Well I guess I'm just fussing around. It's not a big deal after all.

Just bear in your mind Sarah, that you're the world toughest 20-year-old girl. You and only you know yourself. You're one obstinate narcissist. Since when you started bother yourself about others?

When it's 4 in the morning.

I wasn't planning to write this thing.

I wasn't planning to stay awake up until 4 in the morning.

I wasn't.

I think about heart disease.

About not being bright.

About overthinking.

About not being positive enough.

About anxious of everything.

Which of all this thing, could lead any mortal suffers from heart disease.

Dale Carnegie said that, 'Statistics have proven that stress and anxiety are the number one killers in America. As a result of the last world war, 1/3 of a million of the soldiers were killed. In the same time, heart disease was the cause of 2 million deaths. And from this latter group, stress, anxiety, and nervous tension were the source of sickness for 1 million people.'

I know I shouldn't think all those awful things because it's so awful that makes me think that if I don't stop thinking, I might end up like those 1 million people because sometimes when you think, you get terribly anxious and your chest pained, and you're hardly breathing and your heart beats rather abnormal. I don't know about you but I am like that.

I should sleep.

Anxiety kills.

tenung-tenung,

dengar-dengar,

hadam.

mereka seolah ahli nujum professional berkata tentang masa depan dan wang dan sumber yang akan habis dan graduan-graduan yang gagal mendapatkan pekerjaan dan pekerjaan yang tidak setanding dengan bayaran masa kerja dan kuli-kuli dan hamba-hamba abdi serta masalah-masalah dunia yang lain.

Dari sini, dari sudut ini, aku yang pertama kalinya melihatkan kejadian ini, tertawa sinis.

A mariner once became lost at sea, and remained lost for 21 days. When he was saved, someone asked him what the greatest lesson was that he took away with him from the experience. He answered,
              'The biggest lesson that I learned from it was that if you have fresh water and sufficient food, you should never complain.'

It has been said that, 'Life in its entirety is a morsel of food and a drink of water. Whatever exceeds that is excess.'

sudahlah,

aku pun memang dah lama tahu

yang manusia itu

dan tindak tanduk mereka

memang tak pernah gagal

bikin aku ketawa.

I should say, a very tremendous night out just to see some behaviours.

What an entertainment I had tonight!

Betty and Billy.

Betty’s in her senior year.

Billy’s in his second year.

Betty is a bonnie lass while Billy looks nerdy with glasses on.

Betty had a crush on Billy.

Billy had a crush on Betty too.

But Betty has a boyfriend.

Billy said, ‘I like older chicks.’

They text every night and day. They phoned that night because they can’t meet for a whole month after.

They’re in love.

Or at least, Betty is.

Billy had another crush.

Betty knew.

Betty likes Billy so much that she doesn’t care about other crush Billy had.

Billy texts Betty only when he gets bored.

Betty asked Billy, ‘You saw me but why you didn’t hi me?’

Billy replied, ‘What? No, not in front of my friends.’

Betty gets hurt. Betty wants to cry.

But Betty, she likes Billy so much.

Betty can never move on.

With Billy still around her.

monolog or whatever it is.

Disember.

taip, padam. taip, padam.

Mungkin terlalu banyak yang hendak ditulis sehingga perkataan tak terungkap dengan kata. Mungkin juga rasa tiada perkara penting yang perlu dikongsi bersama. Aku tak tahu sejak bila aku mula berubah menjadi seorang yang tak pernah langsung ambil hati terhadap sesuatu perkara, kepada yang menyimpan, kepada yang sangat fucked up. Tapi satu benda yang aku belajar, manusia memang akan sentiasa berubah, setiap masa daripada perkara sekecil kuman kepada sebesar-besar alam. I used to not care about anything. Walaupun yang terluka adalah aku. I make things rather simple. Buat apa? Benda dah jadi. 

Mungkin juga aku lebih prefer untuk orang ikut cara aku. All the time. Masa itulah aku akan cari kau, hanya apabila aku perlukan kau atau mungkin aku teringatkan kau. Aku adalah salah seorang manusia typical diluar sana. Dan oleh kerana itu, aku lebih banyak mencari salah sendiri daripada salah orang lain. Dan apabila ianya berlaku, I have to say and accept that it happened.

I prefer to not look what's on the past. Aku akan cuba untuk melupakan even if it's considered torturing self. Apa, ingat orang yang buat salah, tak rasa bersalah even though dia sengaja? Seolah orang yang mintak break, tak perlu melalui fasa move on? 

Sudahlah. Aku kena berhenti sebab aku tak tahu ke mana arahnya tulisan ni. Memang tujuan aku untuk menulis cuma aku tak tahu nak menulis apa.

Empty is what I'm feeling inside right now.