Have you ever, believed that everything is actually peachy? That life as a whole is peachy? That you tried your best to believe that every little thing, has its sweetness even if it is little. Positivity is hardly there and stay but you always wish that when it comes, you just want it to stay because it makes you believe that whatever happens, there will be happiness.

Maturity.

Have you ever feel like you've grown far older than your actual age? Like the way you think especially, have you? Because I think I am like that. And I wonder why. It's not that you've grown conservative like most old people do bcs they're old fashioned, instead, the way you see life as a whole. Living itself as a whole.

It's okay. Doesn't matter. It's just a process everyone's probably going through. You'll get used to it.

Finding.

I miss the days when I didn't know things. Because I didn't judge. And I spoke bold. Because I know at that time, no one's gonna scold you. They even forgave you because they knew you don't know things. That you were naive, very pure. Your thoughts are all humble.

Things changed and life gets harder. Tragedy isn't it? Way too. Through it all, life goes on. Sometimes I asked myself, is that the only thing that I have? To keep me alive? To keep me holding? Am I happy or am I not I just don't know.

Nota-nota II.

1. Things have been better for now. I have been slightly better. Been making new friends and what not. Kind of okay life, I think?

2. I can't really brain this degree life. It is the same as what i've been through I should've known, turns out, I feel dumber like, have I studied this? Or, OMG WTF IS THIS?! Rather, CANNOT F'ING BRAIN THIS.

3. I am still missing them, moments that we treasured, still. Because creating a new one is hell years. And making new friends is what I am not capable of. On the bright side, we're all doing just okay bcs of the fact that we're broken in different places and that is really okay.

4. You know the moment when you see things and the words come beautifully on your mind and you are ready to type it out? I don't have that kind of ability now. I used to. And when it's already gone, it makes me numb.

5. Hurtful. Trying so hard to find happiness in numbness state is hurtful. You'll be okay. Things will get better eventually.

Let's just pray.

Kegelapan.

I hope to see life more of sleeps, wake ups, food, classes and hang outs.

Mencari cebis-cebis momen dan membentuk satu memori memerlukan jangka masa yang agak lama kerana aku merasakan seperti aku hidup dalam keadaan bungkam dan beku. Dalam keadaan vacuumed. Dan ajaibnya adalah apabila aku sendiri tidak merasa sesal terhadap masa yang terbuang.

Aku tidak mengejar masa. Aku malah menunggu masa. Seolah masa yang mengejar aku. Dan apabila masa meninggalkan aku, aku seperti tak peduli. Hidup harus diteruskan.

'Why efforts? Everyone's gonna die eventually.'

Girls dorm.

Once when I was in high school, I stayed in a hostel. And then one day, I was listening to my dormmate, talking about something I can't remember. She was in the middle of changing her uniform to casual attire.

And because of her locker located near the door, I remembered I leaned by the door, staring at her half shirtless body. She took her bra and started putting it on with her breasts covered with cloth while talking.

And when she got her bra on, she pulled the cloth off. One of the cup folded slightly inside and there I was staring at her exposed nipple, feeling uncomfortable inside, whether to tell her or just enjoy the view. She kept on talking, grabbed her shirt, and there, her nipple covered again.

The end.

What am I thinking

At this stage of this thing I'm having, we're having, I lose my self control.

You might see that I'm the toughest one. Because I drew that thick line, I built that concrete wall, I know.

I know that sooner or later, those will be gone over time. And I'm changing. And I'm becoming you. And I'm losing myself everyday.

And if you leave, and if you leave. Well, I don't want to think about that. I'm falling, quite deep. It scares me, that I might as well lose the light I've been hold onto.

--

"Dan mereka yang hidup bersama kaum selain mereka, akan mati bersama kaum tersebut."

Jadi, Tuhan lebih mengetahui akan sesuatu yang kamu tidak ketahui. Mengapakah kamu berpura-pura dan bongkak kalah Tuhan? Benarlah bahawa sesungguhnya, golongan yang jahil itu lebih ramai dari mereka yang memperingat dan memandu.

Sigh.

Aku cuba untuk selami setiap perkataan yang terdapat pada setiap muka buku The Time Traveler's Wife. And all I got is this mental picture of things that I don't have any idea why on earth that I bothered.

Tidaklah aku teruja untuk menghabiskan novel ini tetapi aku amatlah teruja untuk memulakan Keigo Higashino's The Devotion of Suspect X.

Maybe I should not read at all.

Nota-nota.

1. Orientation is coming to its end. And it's the most real social thing I did fr this few months.

2. Sometimes, I want to be irresponsible fr what I've done, indulgencing myself with this feet-above-the-ground feelings. Because suddenly, everything seems like about to crush.

3. I think the wall around me is built up, again. I am accused for pushing people away when that isn't my intention to do. So I guess, she's back. The one that's in her comfort zone who is very comfortable to be alone.

4. The days have gone by seriously serious exhausted and times found numb. And I am numb.

5. It really looks like the world is cheering fr you when strangers come to you with their hearts on the sleeves trying to say everything's gonna be alright. I'm completely happy with that.

6. There are two types of people. It's people that I like and fuck-you-people kinda.

7. Starting something new in the same place seems hard to do. Because the place is not new. And you have to be new.