Bless.

Life has been quite stressful lately. I don't have any idea that I'd break this much I mean the midsem break just ended last week I'm already torn to pieces.

I have so muuuch in my head you don't even wanna know. If you're on my tweets, you know exactly what I mean.

Once, I had a thought of me taking a different path in life, chose the weird way that the me now wouldn't ever wanna choose; be a part of ma'ahad scholar. Weird really. But I know then I won't be this stressful if I were to choose to be there. It'd be different. It'd be more meaningful than not knowing where are you in the future because after all, I'd have one thing that I'd believe so much and I don't have to be so afraid of failures. Because I'm on the right path.

That is what I think.

May god bless me in everything I do.

Ameen.

"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend, somewhere along in the bitterness."

What is it meant to love.

I had this thing stuck in my mind first when a friend of mine spilled out everything about her relationship stuff.

I think, one is doing good enough in a relationship once one gives one's heart wholly.

Yes, you can't live just by loving someone because you still have to eat, you'll need a shelter and life's still going on and of course you'll need money. But for me, it's more than enough.

I've known myself for the girl who's hardly to fall, who has a concrete wall build up high, who has more guy friends than girls; girls like me really put up on one guy like she's gonna grow old with this only guy and stuff, even going through shits and lots of gossips. We are the hopeless romantics, helpless indeed. That's why it is very important to us for everyone to know, what it's meant for us to fall in love.

It's not just love lust and bla bla, it's about committing self to commitment. It's more than just a relationship so please do understand.

Nota-nota.

1. Sejujurnya, aku benci how the world works. Well actually, who doesn't?

2. Apa agaknya perasaan belajar tanpa menggunakan duit sendiri. Well when I think about it again, on the money itself lies responsibilities. Walaupun ianya diberi nama 'biasiswa', bukan bermakna ianya adalah percuma, ia duit rakyat.

3. I feel unlucky bila wujudnya darjat dan pangkat. Sangat. Nonetheless, I know I shouldn't have because probably, someone has littler than I have.

4. The books are getting piled up. I lost myself in finding time to spend with those books. They're surely really really sad.

5. Aku tak perlu cuti yang panjang untuk lari daripada ketegangan kerana sudah tinggal lebih kurang separuh semester sebelum berakhir. Aku cuma perlu tidur yang cukup dan halwa telinga sebagai santapan petang.

6. Aku suka hujan. Kerana ia menenangkan jiwa dan menyejukkan hati. Terima kasih Tuhan untuk hujan. Terima kasih.

Kepada yang berkenaan.

Dan hanya apabila engkau sudah mati, datanglah engkau kepada kami dan buktikan kata-kata engkau itu bukan hanya caci maki terhadap pegangan kami.

No I am not missing you so stop attaching your face on my mind and go away!

Fuck.

I'm afraid.

Some people, they remind you about someone. Their height, their skin color, their body shape, their hair, their eyes, the way they act.

I walked pass through a guy. His skin color, his eyes, his height, reminded me of someone I knew. I couldn't really remember him, but a glimpse of the guy had triggered my memory that he resembled him, or he was really him. Like, something eats some part of my memory it makes me doubt about anyone I've met or talked to.

Can you miss someone's face? Just, his/her face, can you? Because you think you're losing memory about them bit by bit, in your head. You're losing them.

Hollow.

Woke up at this hour with nothing much to do makes things worst. I find myself staring thorough the darkness searching for something I don't even know what it is.

A saviour is all need. But the id in me refuses to seek for it. I am far, far slipping off track I know that.

Caffeine. Caffeine helps me think.

Makkuro.

I can be weird and I am feeling weird, afraid of things unseen, berkira-kira pada ketentuan tuhan dan cuba meneka pada benda yang belum terjadi.

Future now is void. If you categorized future as thing, now, it's like nothing. You can't feel it, you can't see it, you can't assume it because it's future. It's weird. It's dream. It's sci-fi.

So shut it. Shut everything that comes to your mind, shut. It's just thought. You are going to be alright.

Trust, anything you think you can trust. Trust that you're gonna be alright.

Demon.

I skipped morning prayer for rows now I failed to remember how many days has it been.

I guess my demon is showing up.