Humans are weird. Ever since I brought myself so into this lovey dovey shit, I always get myself confuse about everything. I forgot who I was and how I react to people before I changed. Of course everyone changes when we fall in love. Everyone does.

I find myself very aware of the consequences I'd get when I decide on something. On very particular things, I do this often.

Kuat.

Belum sempat aku memegang gitar, minda aku sudah ligat bertengkar untuk mentelaah. Aku jadi takut pada cita-cita yang aku sendiri bina. Takut kepada kejatuhan, kekalahan. Takut pada hari esok keseluruhannya. Kenapa? Kenapa hidup hari ini untuk takut pada hari esok?
Buntu.

Aku penat, berfikir. Usaha yang aku kumpul, akhirnya menjadi kata kosong seperti, "bukan rezeki lah tu." Apa aku tak layak menerima rezeki?

Tuhan, andai kata rezeki yang bakal aku terima beruntung atas usaha yang aku raih, tabahkan lah hati ini. Dan jika ianya, pada tanggapan hati kebanyakan tidak, maka tabahkan lah juga hati ini. Kerana mungkin rezeki itu, telah ditetapkan untuk aku pada hikmah yang paling baik.

Once again.

It's been awhile since the last time I read a fiction, or a chapter. Today, I read The Silence, a short story by Haruki Murakami. That time, my heart was pumping so loud I felt every part of me expanding synchronizedly.

I'm not exaggerating neither do I lie about it. It feels great to read again although having my mind concentrating it was hard plus the throb I had. My head wandered to places and things escaping from being trapped with the content of the book I had to read line by line over again.

After all, english lit is the best. I can't wait to read japanese novels and discover everyone's minds worth going thorough.

Jalan mati.

And all of my dreams seems impossible.

Sometimes, having a goal in life is tiring. Because you have to work to make it happen. I'm not an overachiever but I know where I stand and where I am going. And it's not that impossible I just feel like tired.

I have become at least a few people's inspiration. Or maybe just one. And I seldom think that, is this the way it is? Is this how it's suppose to be?

I don't have any idea. And I can't seem to think of another way of not taking this way. God, help me.

Freshie

Now that it comes to my mind, it's just so funny when you are a direct intake student, but people still look at you like a freshie. Maybe some but, there must be.

What I mean here is, a student who just changed faculty and going up a level of achievement or certificate, whichever, even by this means that that student is there for more than a year than other freshies, but, others (senior) still look at them (directs) like a freshie. Weird huh?

So they (directs) gain attention just like the other freshies. Especially the girls. So it's like pisang goreng dipanaskan semula. I find this awkwardly funny.

Ramble #IDK

Before I ramble on further details, I shall tell you all that I'm only here because I have to speak on what's in my mind so that I won't rant it all and throw out pale words and forgettable thoughts through twitter. I warn you this is pointless.

So I had my coffee just 2 hours before and I've done watching 2 Japanese dramas. This is quite not me because I don't really watch drama I've just restarted it just to learn some new vocab for my Japanese class. I've said restarted because I used to watch drama when I was in middle school and I stopped for not really particular reasons I just don't wanna watch any more dramas. And so I watched this 2 dramas:

Sanjyuugosai No Koukousei

Biblia Koshodou no Jiken Techou

And I like Biblia Koshodou no Jiken Techou more because it was full with weird names and books and brainy words that nerdies like me would love it not to mention that the girl is cute and her acting was good too.

It is weird that I talk about what I did lately. I'd like to read more everyday but I become greedy I want to do everything. I don't have that much time I need to sacrifice some of that everything and it feels kinda sad. My priority is study but my heart's always on other things. I have soooo many things to do like naps, revisions, guitar lessons, watching dramas, socializing, eating, do laundry, books shopping, walking, running, praying, arts, gaming, sketching, writing, camping, classes, travels, reading, reading and reading can't you see?

I feel out of breath. Is the time really running out or should I just stop chasing it?

I have no idea. I still need to do my homework and graduate and work and pay debts. Wouldn't that what we all pathetic students do? Working hard, stay up all night just to get out from this faculty? You will still survive my friend but either you win or you lose. This is game we're playing. You score, you won't have to pay for yr studies. You so-so, you have to work for the debts. You flunk, you fucked up. Simply, the purpose of learning hard becomes the reason you need not to pay fr yr debts. We're all basically fucked up.

In order to win, beat the system. Don't let them make you pay a ridiculous amount of money just for a stupid roll of paper. All in all, best of luck gamers.

Bless.

Life has been quite stressful lately. I don't have any idea that I'd break this much I mean the midsem break just ended last week I'm already torn to pieces.

I have so muuuch in my head you don't even wanna know. If you're on my tweets, you know exactly what I mean.

Once, I had a thought of me taking a different path in life, chose the weird way that the me now wouldn't ever wanna choose; be a part of ma'ahad scholar. Weird really. But I know then I won't be this stressful if I were to choose to be there. It'd be different. It'd be more meaningful than not knowing where are you in the future because after all, I'd have one thing that I'd believe so much and I don't have to be so afraid of failures. Because I'm on the right path.

That is what I think.

May god bless me in everything I do.

Ameen.

"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend, somewhere along in the bitterness."

What is it meant to love.

I had this thing stuck in my mind first when a friend of mine spilled out everything about her relationship stuff.

I think, one is doing good enough in a relationship once one gives one's heart wholly.

Yes, you can't live just by loving someone because you still have to eat, you'll need a shelter and life's still going on and of course you'll need money. But for me, it's more than enough.

I've known myself for the girl who's hardly to fall, who has a concrete wall build up high, who has more guy friends than girls; girls like me really put up on one guy like she's gonna grow old with this only guy and stuff, even going through shits and lots of gossips. We are the hopeless romantics, helpless indeed. That's why it is very important to us for everyone to know, what it's meant for us to fall in love.

It's not just love lust and bla bla, it's about committing self to commitment. It's more than just a relationship so please do understand.

Nota-nota.

1. Sejujurnya, aku benci how the world works. Well actually, who doesn't?

2. Apa agaknya perasaan belajar tanpa menggunakan duit sendiri. Well when I think about it again, on the money itself lies responsibilities. Walaupun ianya diberi nama 'biasiswa', bukan bermakna ianya adalah percuma, ia duit rakyat.

3. I feel unlucky bila wujudnya darjat dan pangkat. Sangat. Nonetheless, I know I shouldn't have because probably, someone has littler than I have.

4. The books are getting piled up. I lost myself in finding time to spend with those books. They're surely really really sad.

5. Aku tak perlu cuti yang panjang untuk lari daripada ketegangan kerana sudah tinggal lebih kurang separuh semester sebelum berakhir. Aku cuma perlu tidur yang cukup dan halwa telinga sebagai santapan petang.

6. Aku suka hujan. Kerana ia menenangkan jiwa dan menyejukkan hati. Terima kasih Tuhan untuk hujan. Terima kasih.