LPS - last paper syndrome, probably.

dulu, aku selalu diperdengarkan cerita-cerita tentang student yang masih belajar sedangkan majoriti kawan-kawan dah bekerja. and how unsettled they felt about it. now, look at me. i'm feeling it now.

enam tahun stranded at the same place. ya think? ofcourse, some of my friends are saying that i should be grateful. that this is great because i dont really have problem blending in. that is certainly not true because the last thing i would do is to get to know new people.

2013, they were there. now, i dont know where they are or where they've been. and i dont give a shit about it. counting people coming in and out of your life is a waste of time. talking about it also is a waste because it happens everywhere in the world. it happens within you too. you left. you just dont remember when it happen.

we tend to write more when we have absolutely nothing to write.

i. kebanyakan masa aku dihabiskan dengan menulis tentang tulisan, which is really, the last thing i should do. mana entah diri aku yang lebih banyak masanya dihabiskan dengan membaca. berhibernasi mungkin.

ii. aku, seriously lost interest right now in searching for new books to read. lagi bila memikirkan buku-buku yang tak terbaca. and i mention or remind myself about this almost everyday yet, it's the same thing thorough.

iii. everything is like the same thing over again and it's a waste of time. basically, my time.

iv. i used to read posts about people worshiping Jesus. they wrote good stuff tho. i just happened to not read them anymore. people do change very quickly don't they?

v. aku, seriously, tak ready untuk semester depan. yeah shit. i am 24 and still on my degree. i said slowly, and yes i am, enjoying my last bit of being a student.

vi. or maybe all of this is just bullshit.

shame on you, self.

let's just put it this way. be yourself. be the usual you, who don't give a single fuck about others, or those people who you think are cool. because you are so ignorant and too self-obsessed. because they don't fucking care. don't try. that'll only make you look stupid. do your own thing because you fucking can. so my advice is, be fucking ignorant dear self. be fucking ignorant.

the year is 2016.

i'm gonna make a bold decision. i'm gonna make this blog public. i mean of course it is public but not everyone knows about it. it's not that i'm gonna tell everyone about it but i'm gonna paste it somewhere. will someone talk about it? yes. will he be mad? probably. but everything is in the past now right? and the reason you decided on this? idk. i just need people to know i'm exist. i'm exist.

just wait till i change my mind and decide to go hide myself away again.

nota-nota, yang entah ke berapa.

i. you know what's not healthy? reading to your old posts. worst, mourn about it.

ii. i feel at ease, for a longest time now. and nothing is okay with feeling ease. trust me.

iii. jotting down short notes is easier than talking. try it.

iv. i dont have a strong point to actually write anything. well does anyone?

v. as much as i feel guilty, i cannot help myself. because i have lost myself, a long time ago. what left is just memory. or vivid dreams i cannot even grasp it.

vi. in finding light, you have to be patient. dear self, have a strong hold. have a strong hold for now.

things i say when i get disgusted with myself.

you're not attached. you're not yet attached. please, i'm pleading you please remember that you are not attached. you are free. you can do whatever a single person can do. you dont have to text him to make sure that he remembers you. you don't have to call him because his voice makes you calm. you don't have to. because you are not attached. please. please remember all of your words. you are not that weak. you know you can live. you are strong, right?

let me live alone.

aku selalu letak diri aku pada yang bukan friendly. because i never am. hatta hanya untuk post a comment on people's page or reply to one's tweet or commenting on one's blog, aku tak pernah consider yang i can actually do that. it's a burden, i think.

it's like i refuse to put myself a trace, myself mapped to where people can actually reach for me. or at least, not here.

if you ever thought, or ever crossed your mind to check on me, you don't have to. what's on here, always stays here.

there's a reason why my url's created that long. there's a reason to it.

but things haven't changed much.

"for someone who’s always being in between right and wrong, does she deserves only hell just because she’s not good with making decisions? i’ve been questioning myself this for almost years since the day i met you. i wanna change. and changing is hard. i’m not strong enough to leave. well, are you? it’s either happiness or misery; it’s either hell or heaven. if i’m happy now, i’ll be in hell later. if i choose misery now, i might be in heaven later. and not choosing is what i can only think about now. i regret sometimes. but did things change?" -- some place only i know.

rencana-rencana.

i. aku bercadang untuk menjual timbunan buku-buku yang tak terbaca, baca separuh dan tak larat nak baca lagi tu, daripada biarkan mereka lunyai di makan banjir.

ii. you know, i cannot read in bulk. aku perlu satu bahan bacaan untuk satu-satu masa. or i'll get everything messed up.

iii. i am so enthusiastic about the idea of starting a business. but i don't have anything to get the business started other than selling used books.

iv. i need more connections.

v. starting something new always sounds so exciting. but can you manage till the end?

vi. aku selalu memikirkan perkara-perkara yang sepatutnya bukan tempat aku lagi untuk fikirkan seperti, bagaimana kau boleh terima segala keburukan aku sedangkan once, i could not do that to you.

all heavy and worn out.

i get easily tired recently, of getting attached to you. i chocked myself up by care so much about you. i talk to myself alot about all the made up consequences of not contacting you when i know you are busy. i let my ego wins because i deserve such trophy. you know it kills me to have doubt conversations with myself. i even pray to god that i dont have to feel this anymore, ever. let's just play it cool. you won't die from a heartbreak that you made up, right?