i was writing so enthusiastically in a car on our way to somewhere i can't remember. and she asked me what i was writing. i closed my jurnal drastically, quite shocked.
"sarah kau macam budak-budak deep tulis puisi dalam kereta kan?" she laughed. "just look at your twitter duh." she practically shot me without warning. i cringed a bit.
and they laughed.
is it weird to write anywhere whenever you want without being disturbed?
we're curing, slowly. we'll get to it someday.
"awak cakap awak sakit, mentally ill."
aku terdiam, to let him speak off what was in his mind.
"maybe i've always been mentally ill too. it makes me feel happy seeing people laugh at my jokes despite of what i've been through. throwing some punchline i guess, won't hurt."
"i'm a sad human being." he would say. i am a sad human being too, i'd say. i am, always.
today is hard enough. don't ever think about tomorrow.
i am built of dark thoughts and bad dreams and pitch black and sadness and blindness and soundless and deep hole and nothingness and depressness and everything out of nothing and numbness and void conciousness and colorless and helplessness. you cant make something out of nothing and it's the true art of numb. it feels so love to talk about how you've been dead all along out of yr concious body. i am perhaps, never alive for i want to always be unexisted long ago.
a hell of weirdness.
aku bangun dalam keadaan aku, nanu dan seorang kawan dia berkongsi bilik. bilik yang hanya mempunyai 2 katil, nanu offered untuk berkongsi katil dgn kawannya yang pada aku agak creepy. sedang kami berbual tiba-tiba guard datang dan forced everyone to take a mother cat dan tiga/dua anak kucing. seorang dapat satu set(?) atas arahan pengetua kolej. no one knew the reason behind it.
a closed friend of mine came and picked me up to hang out with her other friends. it's just so weird that i couldn't stop talking when on the road. and they seemed to like me alot too. it was really weird that i talked really alot. they were like 4 of them. their outfis were almost like my closed friend had. or i'd put it as, stylish than what i had in my wardrobe. they were very cool i'd say.
whilst kawan aku, dia tak bercakap langsung. atau dia memang tak nak cakap dia hanya focus pada pemanduan(?) no one knew what was in her head at that time. when we reached our destination, it was some place i did not know but i was told i went there often. we kept on talking and shared stories and showing off our awesomeness and suddenly, kawan rapat aku hilang dari pandangan. but we kept on talking anyways. some of us went on our seperate ways. not long after that, one of them came to me and said, "she said you're annoying. you just cant stop it can you?" that one came from a closed friend of mine. she were furious about me snatching up her cool friends when i didnt intend to. i was so brokenheart that i decided to go on my own way.
i wandered around and was bumped into my bestfriend when i was in high school. she were there to buy her medicine for her weird deceased. when queing up and waiting fr the pharmacist to give out the drugs, her sickness kicked in. her butt was twerking so hard she said she can't control it. her sister had to push her on the wall to stop it but it looked more like they were having sex with their clothes on while standing against the wall.
we gave her her meds and it calmed her. i kept on wondering why but i didnt ask her. after that, we had to seperate because i decided to take the cab to my college. the bus was packed it got bent like an elastic plastic ruler but it seemed like there were no cab. and so i walked again until i passed cross an old rumah kampung with a bunch of people gathered on the balcony. it was kind of a meet up event but only with cool people in it.
there was 4 of them again. i didnt say anything at first and walked pass them. but then they said something really pissed me off. i went right onto their face and said that i dont want to have anything related to them and they got furious when i walked away. they asked this one girl, an unknown assasin to kill me, the one that looked almost like in Kingsman movie. she ran towards me and i had to ran faster but i knew i wasnt a good runner.
aku berlari sampai ke rumah. i was on my period. and i wasnt came there to get a change. instead, i washed a pile of dishes in the sink when i was bleeding like hell. i told mum i had to run again. i ran away from home, like what i always wanted to.
finally, the assasin girl caught me when we were in some very tall building like the eiffel tower. and killed me.
or maybe i wasn't get killed i cant quite remember.
but it was really, the weirdest dream and longest i ever had. like some parts of my real life was in it, like i was living in my thoughts that feels alot real and confusing.
for the past few months, let's just move forward.
1. i've been writing somewhere else before but it couldn't keep me to want to write more, unlike blogger.
2. life has been out of hands, out of reach but, it's still under my control.
3. aku tak mahu menggemarkan diri menulis dalam bahasa inggeris sejujurnya. maybe that i lack of tatabahasa and new malay words, i've grown to love english than malay.
4. is it worth it to buy a kamus dewan?
5. what's more to tell? i'm in a good health thank god, like who cares if there's no one wants to know.
6 things in my mind right now.
1. A baby is the purest living thing ever happen in the world.
2. I stepped on a tree trunk and everything seemed more detail. I remembered how much I hated heels I only wear sneakers.
3. Kids are always annoying and they're the most adorable thing for your eyes to ever land on to.
4. I think people live on dreams. That's why they are still alive, just like me.
5. Sometimes, I miss the people I shouldn't have missed. I wanted to say everything to them but then I didn't wanna look like a desperate.
6. I miss you, i miss you, i miss you damn I miss you.
I pat my heart telling it to stay concrete.
Nowadays
It's hard to get what I want. Maybe I've been bitter towards god. And I've been a lot sinful than usual. I know I strived hard for nothing because blessings weren't there. They said even if you're an atheist but when you work hard, you'll get what you want. I guess it doesn't work for me, not that I don't believe in god. I'm still telling myself that it's okay. It is okay.
"We are all going, I thought, and it applies to turtles and turtle-necks, Alaska the girl and Alaska the place, because nothing can last, not even the earth itself. The Buddha said the suffering was caused by desire, we'd learned, and that the cessation of desire meant the cessation of suffering. When you stopped wishing things wouldn't fall apart, you'd stop suffering when they did."
--John Green, Looking For Alaska.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)