Unimportant #2

Right now, at this very moment, I'm listening to The Script's Science & Faith album and it occurs to me that no one ever really know or has any idea what insides me held. Like things that keep running around my head, like when I judge people without them knowing I'm judging. Like when I really want persons around me to be happy so much that I cry, like when I try the hardest they don't have a single idea that I did. Like when I write, getting so immersed in it, I forget what's the actual purpose I'm writing.

I cried so much before and every month of things I totally forget why the next 3 days.

Jangan persoalkan fitrah wanita kenapa this thing happens, you said. So I started to think of why am I surrounded with people who are so afraid of questioning things out of our culture. Why they have to be so afraid of the sins they made up. I heard they said that only god can judge but I realized they're judging me since I can't remember when.

So I tell myself that it's okay. Start slowly and pray. You'll find the answer someday.

Today i cried in thw shower again for the icantremember-th time. I always try so hard fr the people around me and for myself. But sometimes ppl just cant see my effort. Thts when i cry.

Maybe its true that i've fought god's rules and challenged Him that i had to go through hard times and whatnot. But when yr mom told you that there's smthg wrong with yr amalan when she didnt even see you, that's totally unacceptable.

I cant go on with ths rage bcs its bad. I have to be calm. In a while.

I could listen to this forever.

Unimportant.

Few minutes ago, I looked at the blue skies and thought how hoax it seemed without the clouds passing my sight. The other minutes, everything turned weirdly orange. I was wrong then when I looked at the clock and realized the day was already past 2 hours.

How time really flies huh?

The guy I met in dreams.

There is this one guy where I'd only meet him in dreams. I mean he appeared 2 times now. He was a friend to all my friends like he was someome we all knew but in reality he wasn't. It's weird you know because he is inexistent in the real world or maybe he is here but I never had seen him everywhere. He was the kind of guy that I wouldn't wanna date be it get married. But we talked about everything. He was very tall, had tanned skin and a jerk because he was a player, a womanizer. He had the kind of face that I'd say annoys me all the time.

I was like, 'who is this guy?' for everytime I woke up.

Side notes.

1. It's been 19 hours that I haven't rest my eyes though I feel absolutely tired.

2. I've always thought that moving on is not just lost contact but rather ignored completely by not talking, not dreaming, not stalking, not thinking even a tiny bit, about that person or on things you say you're moving on to.

3. I have passed my anxiety era therefore whenever I see people with that sickness I'm just sit there and go, "it's okay you're gonna be fine eventually." Just like what Mitch Welling said that we're actually afraid of nothing. You know what I mean?

4. Since when I started taking those tiny happy moments and throw them all in a trash?

5. Ah I'm losing it.

6. Do you know about nerve cells? Do you know cells? Do you know how many they are in our brains? Do you think our brains are big enough that we have so many thoughts that our soul can't even bear? Have you ever thought about that? Yes. It's freaking magic. That's what I'm feeling now. It's a whole cells work in my brain that forced me to lose everything of what I've arranged earlier. Thank you you little shit.

Blessed.

I am grateful that you can feel infinite when you are alone. I am grateful when the chill wind blew and it synced with the second you inhaled. I am grateful with the first tear drop because some people are so nice. I am grateful that i can be there when some fake smiles didn't help much because i know how hard a heart can bear. I am grateful to the beat that rhythms with my thumping heart. I am grateful by the poems heartedly vow by its poet. I am grateful that dawn and twilight exist and the whole in between. I am grateful with all the guts i have are something that give me the good and bad feelings.

I am just so grateful to god to be here now.

The truth about inspiration is, there is no truth.

The worst feeling ever is when you cannot think. Like right now. I've been out of breath for the last few days worrying about things. Aku masih lagi berdiri diantara dua pilihan, not sure which one to choose.

Merunsingkan.

Few weeks have been the tough weeks but I managed to went through. It feels like everyday is such torture because not a single second that I'd left to breathe freely. I don't even know why did I choose to further my study especially in this course.

But truth is, it's not just because of study. Inside me is raging to have something I don't even know what it is. It's tiring. It really is.

So long and goodbye.

This morning had started up quite perplex but whatever it is, I managed to think straight. I deleted some of my social accounts and it feels good. Because having them was tiresome. I had something in me that I wanted everything to keep updated. So I started to brainstorm new ideas. Yes, it's good to think but does it worth? I don't think so.

Have you ever felt alone when surrounded with people? Well I felt that. Even virtually. Because I found sweetness when having real people near. Like human beings not just their thoughts.

Reading and knowing other people's life is annoying. I didn't found any inspiration in my social network cycle's lifes. They were just mundane story and plain people. So I quit. And I hereby to announce that I will never regret it.

It feels good to detached. It really is.

What makes me who I am?

Kebelakangan ini, aku selalu tertanya-tanya apa yang membuatkan aku adalah diri aku. Bertanya pada diri sendiri seperti orang yang baru terjumpa bendasing dalam dirinya; kau siapa?

Kau sebenarnya, siapa?

Apa sebenarnya yang membuatkan kau lain daripada manusia kebanyakan? Instagram engkau kah? Facebook engkau kah? Twitter engkau kah?

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Kau sama. Kau serupa seperti mereka. Kau seperti manusia kebanyakan itu yang menagih perhatian sekelompok yang pura-pura prihatin. Kau adalah cerminan mereka.

Aku perlu lebih masa untuk mencari diri sebenar aku. Perlu lebih masa untuk pergi daripada cerminan yang aku anggap aku adalah diriku padahal bukan. I find this hard but it still is not too late to change right?