Maybe, i’ll come back to this post in 10 years time. Who knows.

So i’ve been thinking about this. How about i work my ass off, be so successful in this industry that i open a new branch outside this f’ed up country and move out.. Build a new empire and only comes back once in a while to visit relatives and stuff. Well, sounds like a plan. 

What's next?

Wow, havent been on this blog for too long. 

Nothing much. Not like someone's reading this though tbh.
Changed status this year to another, if you know, you know. If you guess it, then it is.

Wow,, what..?

Anyway, writing now feels more awkward than ever. I have not really looking forward to life but more to living the moment. I guess.. It's hard to dream without feeling it may or it may not gonna happen the moment you think about it. But life goes on.. Tiber.

Take care, yalls. & stay safe.

3rd night

Missing him is one thing, feeling like you don’t have anyone in this world is another thing. Often, i sorta mixed them all up. 

Missing him is just like standing in the sea of people who cared so much about you, but you are alone.

I always think about this you know.

I do often talk about the unprivileged, the unfairness and stuff but i dont live like them or as much as i try to help them, there’s still more that need help. That sometimes it really does feel like i’m not doing enough. Tried to come up with reasons but they sound more like excuses.

I have discovered one thing about me. That i carry the empathy inside me more than i should. To the extend that it kinda gives me heavy boots. It drains me. The thought of not being able to give enough help is constantly killing me.

Must be annoying isnt it to read this because I’m not showing progression but only whine about it. Kinda sounds like whining. Or that i only care but I’m also kinda helpless.

Just like those people who thought they bring awareness to the others but they just merely talking. Do you think it’s the fight? Do you think you’re winning?

You cannot say that because you dont live like them. You dont end your day with an empty stomach thinking what you’re gonna eat for tomorrow if you’re still alive. Being them, is about when it’s gonna be the last day. Because living is so hard. You dont know. We dont know. It’s sad.

What a privilege life we’re living. Thinking about it makes me tired already. How do i stop this thought?

Let’s talk, talk.

 i. Tbh, i write everywhere. It’s messed up. Anyone, everyone can just take my words as theirs i dont really care. What’s even there anyway? There’s nothing like originality. It’s bullshit. 

ii. Tonight sort of the night that i should have a nonstop  conversation. But no one is available. So eat shit? I guess. 

iii. What’s the point of making this roman bullets when i just write what i want without thinking of stopping or even selecting a topic. Help. 

iv. Promised myself not to take coffee in the evening but well, i did it again today. Hence, the restless thoughts, this helpless brain  

v. Kinda want to sum up today but i actually already wrote almost everything somewhere else. I have this way of saying the same thing over and over again but express it in different way every time. That makes it, telling all but not really. What the hell

vi. I hate spicy foods that I cant tolerate with. It just ruins everything. 

vii. Being 28, is all about going to bed only after you’ve showered. Be it at 2am  

viii. I am so calm yet extremely restless inside. Also ravenous. 

ix. Was just thinking about stoping time. Probably because i was too happy. What a rare thing to say. But then i realized i need to say that often. Acknowledging the happiness. The cringiness. 

Just, things..

Our friendship actually started with me asking a mutual that ive been following for years and seeing her on campus but never really greeted, for a meeting. It was kinda unplanned. And then she suddenly invited me to go on a crazy journey with her in which i did. And then the bond grown stronger. 

We talked about everything. Having someone in different field than you’re in, giving you a lot of new knowledges. In my case, in medical field. I learnt a lot. And i shared quite a lot. Like we’ve known each other for years. Especially about what i feel. I dont really talk about my feelings to people. But having known that it’s important, and then it’s really easy to open up to someone that you can trust. 

You know it always pains me to see people i know, hurting themselves. Like when they say, they cant feel the pain or they wanna take their own life cause nothing is worth it anymore. It scares me to death. And when it really did happened, like God gave me the sign that they needed me. 

It actually always happens to me. And i always think where this will lead me. I’m also glad that the knowledge I gained sorta makes it easier to decide what i should do. Because in my head, the questions are endless. You really wouldn’t want to know. 

10 years

i stumbled upon a tweet about how this guy finding means on his way into 40. he was timid in his school years, always did good deed, and into his uni years which i can relate. having stable life, alone. travelled and stuff but he said it just gets lonelier.

i’m into my 30. and it kinda scares me.

yes i achieved what i wanna be, where i want to be.
let’s recap.

10 years ago, i just got into uni. uni life was great. i was still the shy and quiet type i used to be in school. i kept a small circle. tried making new friends but it didnt really work. and then graduated, i got a job before went back to the same uni to take degree. 6 years into uni. and then i started a new job. lasted for 2 years. and now, my current job.

10 years into adult life i’d say. i still haven’t manage to achieve my target saving after 4 years working. i travelled some. i met few people along the way. the kinds, the fake, the harsh. but i no longer keeping wish and long term goals. i guess i’m slowly losing that patience. of keeping a goal alive. right now, it’s just if it happens then it happens.

Still thinking whether to publish this or not

I havent been on this blog for almost four months now. Wow.
Twitter has taken a lot of my time.
There’s actually no reason for me to write anymore. I’m finding it hard to write stuff now.
These days, everything goes viral. We dont find news anymore, the news are coming to us without we even know it.
Just before I went performed for a prayer, I thought about how a tired soul I am.
Mostly, spiritually.
Am I a toxic to myself if I always undervalue myself, and feel like I don’t deserve anything in this world?
I dont ask for a lot of money yet I’m still getting it and I’m not really happy about it. I always think that the more you gain literally leads to more commitments and so on.
I have so many reasons to not be happy.
More often, I’m fighting with myself.
Sometimes i try to get myself backed up but often times i find myself questioning of all the things i dont deserve to have.

i’m a tired soul

lately, i steered myself into tough situations. i lost confidence in myself. i’m not sure if it’s the right word but mostly i don’t feel belong to where i am. i don’t remember when i created this border between my parents and i or maybe i just grew farther when we are actually finally on the same path. i’m not sure is it my ego or them or are we too careful not to hurt each other. in certain circumstances, i try to understand what i can or cannot do, what i should or should not do, but over times i wonder too if they even tried to understand me. it’s tough when you hurt but they say you’re being too sensitive. you have to hold everything inside because you are only a child. “its ok. it’ll be over. we’ll forget this eventually.” i talk less and lesser. i was trying so hard because it was never who i am. now i don’t feel like talking anymore. i love doing what i am doing now but it’s so hard when people give so little attention to your effort. i am half way to giving up.

// maybe i just need a little more time to digest whatever this is and come to my senses again.

Hiking Tiger Leaping Gorge July 30th - Aug 1st.