Missing him is one thing, feeling like you don’t have anyone in this world is another thing. Often, i sorta mixed them all up.
Missing him is just like standing in the sea of people who cared so much about you, but you are alone.
I always think about this you know.
I do often talk about the unprivileged, the unfairness and stuff but i dont live like them or as much as i try to help them, there’s still more that need help. That sometimes it really does feel like i’m not doing enough. Tried to come up with reasons but they sound more like excuses.
I have discovered one thing about me. That i carry the empathy inside me more than i should. To the extend that it kinda gives me heavy boots. It drains me. The thought of not being able to give enough help is constantly killing me.
Must be annoying isnt it to read this because I’m not showing progression but only whine about it. Kinda sounds like whining. Or that i only care but I’m also kinda helpless.
Just like those people who thought they bring awareness to the others but they just merely talking. Do you think it’s the fight? Do you think you’re winning?
You cannot say that because you dont live like them. You dont end your day with an empty stomach thinking what you’re gonna eat for tomorrow if you’re still alive. Being them, is about when it’s gonna be the last day. Because living is so hard. You dont know. We dont know. It’s sad.
What a privilege life we’re living. Thinking about it makes me tired already. How do i stop this thought?
Let’s talk, talk.
i. Tbh, i write everywhere. It’s messed up. Anyone, everyone can just take my words as theirs i dont really care. What’s even there anyway? There’s nothing like originality. It’s bullshit.
ii. Tonight sort of the night that i should have a nonstop conversation. But no one is available. So eat shit? I guess.
iii. What’s the point of making this roman bullets when i just write what i want without thinking of stopping or even selecting a topic. Help.
iv. Promised myself not to take coffee in the evening but well, i did it again today. Hence, the restless thoughts, this helpless brain
v. Kinda want to sum up today but i actually already wrote almost everything somewhere else. I have this way of saying the same thing over and over again but express it in different way every time. That makes it, telling all but not really. What the hell
vi. I hate spicy foods that I cant tolerate with. It just ruins everything.
vii. Being 28, is all about going to bed only after you’ve showered. Be it at 2am
viii. I am so calm yet extremely restless inside. Also ravenous.
ix. Was just thinking about stoping time. Probably because i was too happy. What a rare thing to say. But then i realized i need to say that often. Acknowledging the happiness. The cringiness.
Just, things..
Our friendship actually started with me asking a mutual that ive been following for years and seeing her on campus but never really greeted, for a meeting. It was kinda unplanned. And then she suddenly invited me to go on a crazy journey with her in which i did. And then the bond grown stronger.
We talked about everything. Having someone in different field than you’re in, giving you a lot of new knowledges. In my case, in medical field. I learnt a lot. And i shared quite a lot. Like we’ve known each other for years. Especially about what i feel. I dont really talk about my feelings to people. But having known that it’s important, and then it’s really easy to open up to someone that you can trust.
You know it always pains me to see people i know, hurting themselves. Like when they say, they cant feel the pain or they wanna take their own life cause nothing is worth it anymore. It scares me to death. And when it really did happened, like God gave me the sign that they needed me.
It actually always happens to me. And i always think where this will lead me. I’m also glad that the knowledge I gained sorta makes it easier to decide what i should do. Because in my head, the questions are endless. You really wouldn’t want to know.
10 years
i stumbled upon a tweet about how this guy finding means on his way into 40. he was timid in his school years, always did good deed, and into his uni years which i can relate. having stable life, alone. travelled and stuff but he said it just gets lonelier.
i’m into my 30. and it kinda scares me.
yes i achieved what i wanna be, where i want to be.
let’s recap.
10 years ago, i just got into uni. uni life was great. i was still the shy and quiet type i used to be in school. i kept a small circle. tried making new friends but it didnt really work. and then graduated, i got a job before went back to the same uni to take degree. 6 years into uni. and then i started a new job. lasted for 2 years. and now, my current job.
10 years into adult life i’d say. i still haven’t manage to achieve my target saving after 4 years working. i travelled some. i met few people along the way. the kinds, the fake, the harsh. but i no longer keeping wish and long term goals. i guess i’m slowly losing that patience. of keeping a goal alive. right now, it’s just if it happens then it happens.
i’m into my 30. and it kinda scares me.
yes i achieved what i wanna be, where i want to be.
let’s recap.
10 years ago, i just got into uni. uni life was great. i was still the shy and quiet type i used to be in school. i kept a small circle. tried making new friends but it didnt really work. and then graduated, i got a job before went back to the same uni to take degree. 6 years into uni. and then i started a new job. lasted for 2 years. and now, my current job.
10 years into adult life i’d say. i still haven’t manage to achieve my target saving after 4 years working. i travelled some. i met few people along the way. the kinds, the fake, the harsh. but i no longer keeping wish and long term goals. i guess i’m slowly losing that patience. of keeping a goal alive. right now, it’s just if it happens then it happens.
Still thinking whether to publish this or not
I havent been on this blog for almost four months now. Wow.
Twitter has taken a lot of my time.
There’s actually no reason for me to write anymore. I’m finding it hard to write stuff now.
These days, everything goes viral. We dont find news anymore, the news are coming to us without we even know it.
Just before I went performed for a prayer, I thought about how a tired soul I am.
Mostly, spiritually.
Am I a toxic to myself if I always undervalue myself, and feel like I don’t deserve anything in this world?
I dont ask for a lot of money yet I’m still getting it and I’m not really happy about it. I always think that the more you gain literally leads to more commitments and so on.
I have so many reasons to not be happy.
More often, I’m fighting with myself.
Sometimes i try to get myself backed up but often times i find myself questioning of all the things i dont deserve to have.
Twitter has taken a lot of my time.
There’s actually no reason for me to write anymore. I’m finding it hard to write stuff now.
These days, everything goes viral. We dont find news anymore, the news are coming to us without we even know it.
Just before I went performed for a prayer, I thought about how a tired soul I am.
Mostly, spiritually.
Am I a toxic to myself if I always undervalue myself, and feel like I don’t deserve anything in this world?
I dont ask for a lot of money yet I’m still getting it and I’m not really happy about it. I always think that the more you gain literally leads to more commitments and so on.
I have so many reasons to not be happy.
More often, I’m fighting with myself.
Sometimes i try to get myself backed up but often times i find myself questioning of all the things i dont deserve to have.
i’m a tired soul
lately, i steered myself into tough situations. i lost confidence in myself. i’m not sure if it’s the right word but mostly i don’t feel belong to where i am. i don’t remember when i created this border between my parents and i or maybe i just grew farther when we are actually finally on the same path. i’m not sure is it my ego or them or are we too careful not to hurt each other. in certain circumstances, i try to understand what i can or cannot do, what i should or should not do, but over times i wonder too if they even tried to understand me. it’s tough when you hurt but they say you’re being too sensitive. you have to hold everything inside because you are only a child. “its ok. it’ll be over. we’ll forget this eventually.” i talk less and lesser. i was trying so hard because it was never who i am. now i don’t feel like talking anymore. i love doing what i am doing now but it’s so hard when people give so little attention to your effort. i am half way to giving up.
// maybe i just need a little more time to digest whatever this is and come to my senses again.
// maybe i just need a little more time to digest whatever this is and come to my senses again.
life update
i. im going to have my first ever training in my career journey. telling people about abah’s journey to where he is now really make me wanna be more like him although i know it’s so hard to achieve even closer to what he has. i really want to stay in this industry and work it out. its the least i can do to environment, humanity and future generation. it’s something i’m pretty sure i can be proud of.
ii. last week, it was my third sister’s wedding. it was quite tiring but i really did help more than what i’d done during other weddings. welcoming new family isn’t as tough as accepting the fact that you’re going to have a room youve shared with someone so close to you for years all by yourself and now they’ve gone to embark a new journey with someone who was once a stranger. i’m all alone. i still feel so attached to her. she’s the closest one to me and it really feels like ive lost her.
iii. the most important person in my life is going to have a graduation ceremony that i sadly cannot attend. i wish i had the power to change everything according to my plan so i can be happy making everyone feel happy. welcome to the real world of having a real shitty job that pay you shits but you’ll realize the small things that’ll keep you going. another day.
iv. i had accidents more than average accidents ever happened in a person’s life. believe me, ive gone through everything but death and injuries. please pray for me and my lifespan.
v. friends getting engaged, friends getting married and friends expecting babies. and repeat every year. yep.
ii. last week, it was my third sister’s wedding. it was quite tiring but i really did help more than what i’d done during other weddings. welcoming new family isn’t as tough as accepting the fact that you’re going to have a room youve shared with someone so close to you for years all by yourself and now they’ve gone to embark a new journey with someone who was once a stranger. i’m all alone. i still feel so attached to her. she’s the closest one to me and it really feels like ive lost her.
iii. the most important person in my life is going to have a graduation ceremony that i sadly cannot attend. i wish i had the power to change everything according to my plan so i can be happy making everyone feel happy. welcome to the real world of having a real shitty job that pay you shits but you’ll realize the small things that’ll keep you going. another day.
iv. i had accidents more than average accidents ever happened in a person’s life. believe me, ive gone through everything but death and injuries. please pray for me and my lifespan.
v. friends getting engaged, friends getting married and friends expecting babies. and repeat every year. yep.
kenduri sushi.
11 ramadhan.
aku bukan jenis yang selalunya akan open tentang sesuatu benda. especially at this age. whenever someone tells a story about them, it usually ends with me. i dont favor spreading ppl’s shits around. thus, im expecting ppl to do the same when its my turn telling them my shits which usually a big mistake.
anyhow, wherever we are in life, it’s important that we have ppl that we can share our achievements, aims and supports. to my friends, if you really are the one, i hope we dont just stop talking to each other just because we’re going in separate ways. friends make efforts. and i hope im not the one who stops making effort.
seusai kopi ais power setengah cawan, kerana kopi yang di-claim power tak lah sepower mana, dan mobile gaming sesh, dan ketawa-ketawa, dan perbualan panjang diselangi eye contact, sempat aku jengah ke arah bulan penuh dan pekat malam yang membawa angin dingin. i havent had coffee like a month or so. dan badan aku lebih chill menerima kopi daripada teh. maybe i should slow down on consuming tea for awhile. also, we’ve sort of covered 70% of seremban/senawang roads. so that one is a yay for us definitely.
although i do get lonely over time.
i dont think i should show it.
sometimes i even think of or calculating on how long will i survive.
being so independent is so fucking exhausting. cause you’re always adapting. it’s your mind working and your body doing. one more day / one more month / another year..
sometimes, when it hits you, you just push pause. “hold on world. whatever inside me or my brain, needs rest.” and i just wait for the thoughts to go. sometimes i pray, other times it just go away after 2 hours or so. you should know how your body works especially when it happens so often.
i’ll pray that we will do this every year together, buka - terawih - moreh. until we can finally sahur together. lol? we’ll find time. and we’ll be alright.
aku bukan jenis yang selalunya akan open tentang sesuatu benda. especially at this age. whenever someone tells a story about them, it usually ends with me. i dont favor spreading ppl’s shits around. thus, im expecting ppl to do the same when its my turn telling them my shits which usually a big mistake.
anyhow, wherever we are in life, it’s important that we have ppl that we can share our achievements, aims and supports. to my friends, if you really are the one, i hope we dont just stop talking to each other just because we’re going in separate ways. friends make efforts. and i hope im not the one who stops making effort.
seusai kopi ais power setengah cawan, kerana kopi yang di-claim power tak lah sepower mana, dan mobile gaming sesh, dan ketawa-ketawa, dan perbualan panjang diselangi eye contact, sempat aku jengah ke arah bulan penuh dan pekat malam yang membawa angin dingin. i havent had coffee like a month or so. dan badan aku lebih chill menerima kopi daripada teh. maybe i should slow down on consuming tea for awhile. also, we’ve sort of covered 70% of seremban/senawang roads. so that one is a yay for us definitely.
although i do get lonely over time.
i dont think i should show it.
sometimes i even think of or calculating on how long will i survive.
being so independent is so fucking exhausting. cause you’re always adapting. it’s your mind working and your body doing. one more day / one more month / another year..
sometimes, when it hits you, you just push pause. “hold on world. whatever inside me or my brain, needs rest.” and i just wait for the thoughts to go. sometimes i pray, other times it just go away after 2 hours or so. you should know how your body works especially when it happens so often.
i’ll pray that we will do this every year together, buka - terawih - moreh. until we can finally sahur together. lol? we’ll find time. and we’ll be alright.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)