on this platform, trying to release everything that has been going inside my head today. i always find myself being okay with everything and then things will come back to me after awhile and that i will realize and question why people act like i’m nothing, like they dont even consider me bcs i’m always okay. almost all decisions they make, they dont even ask my opinion. dont even care to ask why. and then it’ll be just me and my thoughts. it’s so frustrating and most of the time i just want to quit. there are times when i say i want certain things. i want to prioritise this and that. and what i get is a no. without any rational reason or explanation, without being considered of my being. you know, i’m so tired.
motherhood?
1. hari ini aku tenung muka anak aku yang tengah fokus tengok tv. sesekali dia menoleh untuk memastikan keberadaan aku. aku terfikir, how am i or us gonna raise this child? aku siap terbayang rupa anak aku makin membesar dan mula sedar, we have to grow too. by growing i mean, in every aspect in life - spiritually, financially, mentally… it’s gonna be hard work.
2. and by that, seeing where i am now, i start to question myself, am i actually on track? it’s scarier to think that i am far from that.
3. i don’t like to whine because i’ve been giving a lot more that i’ve asked. but definitely deep inside, i want to do more. like earning more, move out to a bigger house, have a real career, helping more people. suddenly, it feels like what i’m doing now is not as bigger as everyone else. know what i mean?
4. of course i don’t feel the need to be jealous of every single living person but i keep doing this mental battling with my past self, the one who did more for herself, who actually had a clear goal.
5. lol. what am i searching for actually…
6. i think i need to see things in different angle. like, i should see raising a child as an achievement, a hardwork that needs recognition, that i need to treat little task as important as going to the office and get praised by bosses.
7. also maybe that we moms, are always looking for word/actions of appreciation but never realize that we need to appreciate ourselves more.
8. upon thinking all of this, i also realized it’s been like ages that i feel fun or when i uttered, ‘this is fun.’ i’m not sure it’s the age or what but by living more it seems to suck up the funs we have in us.
9. yes we might as well create the fun but for the fun to spontaneously exist upon us, hit us, is hardly. even if it does, it’s short. happiness is short, i guess? oh well. the farther i rambles, the lost i’ve become.
10. despite all, i’ve found the cause. that’s the goal.
is this gonna be a long ass post? we’ll see.
as much as 2 years have passed, i said hello again to my dashboard. i see fewer posts from people i followed here on blogger. or used to be blogspot. well i still type blogspot though when i’m tryna log in. login to my tumblr app to just casually updates on life. ive been actively scrolling on ig and twitter for updates. the world is crazy as usual.
i have a daughter now. she’s beautiful. i’m so beyond grateful to have her. it makes life more meaningful, fuller, content and everything positive and infinitely doubles.
comes new life, i see my parents aging. they become more sensitive, more softer but sad. they’re happy people. they travel more and creating moments and visiting old friends and families more often now. it’s like seeing them saying goodbyes but for them it’s always one more visit. one more memory.
i hope it’s not anytime soon. i pray everyday for another 20 to 30 or 40 years more. thinking people leaving i might as well stop doing this thinking thing and live in the moment *teary laughing eyes emoji*
i’m ending this post. see you in another few months, maybe.
Twitter drafts. (2021-2020)
i. This year is all about getting side money when im not looking syukur alhamdulillah.
ii. Japanese is easier probably bcs i know alot more of its vocab than korean… and also how to build longer sentences…
iii. Pilihan masing-masing. Ada orang suka berhutang, ada orang tak suka berhutang. Tu je.
iv. I will never stop bragging about when we were in countryside somewhere in north japan, our host family played jazz music on their speaker during every meal time.
v. Setahun dah minum pour over pastu had a bad experience dengan moka pot then baru nak come back stronger, ok la tu kan. Walaupun macam pakai induction stove ni punya la susah nak control temp+timing haihhh.*
vi. Expectation: coffee/ice cream at this time while netflix or just talks
Reality: both. working. on. weekend... at this hour...
vii. No one shouldve taken a salary of more than what they need.
viii. Personal fav: norwegian wood, kafka on the shore, 1Q84, men without women, pinball.
ix. As bizarre as how time and space work, one cannot say that isra mi’raj did not happen.
x. Most kdrama genre crime or fantasy rarely disappoint me. Should list them though.
Side note:
*i started trying ground coffee about a year ago, experimenting different kind of beans and brew methods. it was fun until i had to stop for awhile cause of my current health condition.
Purpose.
I came across a post from this one travel vlogger i found on youtube. She posted a reel about purpose in traveling. I read the comment section where these people talk about finding purpose. It gives me thinking about my purpose, not necessarily in traveling but not necessarily about life or anything in between either. I did some travel, light or long ones, adventuring, you might say. What’s weird with traveling/adventuring, the feelings stay. People would say i have a strong memory. Couldnt have agreed. I always think that i am not that sentimental kind of person but whenever i talk about things going down the memory lane, i mean my childhood memories, my school years memory, certain memories are so strong i could picture every detail of it like it happened just yesterday. Sometimes i think about when i’m gone, what will/have i leave the world/the people with. Was memories about me worth remembering even in a tiny part of their life. I miss traveling and adventuring. So bad. It really does give you purpose. No matter what kind. Even so, im kinda used to living here and not going anywhere. These days, even meeting a stranger can boost up my mood. I need to see the world again and also at the same time be more patient, a littl bit more.
Maybe, i’ll come back to this post in 10 years time. Who knows.
So i’ve been thinking about this. How about i work my ass off, be so successful in this industry that i open a new branch outside this f’ed up country and move out.. Build a new empire and only comes back once in a while to visit relatives and stuff. Well, sounds like a plan.
What's next?
Wow, havent been on this blog for too long.
Nothing much. Not like someone's reading this though tbh.
Changed status this year to another, if you know, you know. If you guess it, then it is.
Wow,, what..?
Anyway, writing now feels more awkward than ever. I have not really looking forward to life but more to living the moment. I guess.. It's hard to dream without feeling it may or it may not gonna happen the moment you think about it. But life goes on.. Tiber.
Take care, yalls. & stay safe.
3rd night
Missing him is one thing, feeling like you don’t have anyone in this world is another thing. Often, i sorta mixed them all up.
Missing him is just like standing in the sea of people who cared so much about you, but you are alone.
I always think about this you know.
I do often talk about the unprivileged, the unfairness and stuff but i dont live like them or as much as i try to help them, there’s still more that need help. That sometimes it really does feel like i’m not doing enough. Tried to come up with reasons but they sound more like excuses.
I have discovered one thing about me. That i carry the empathy inside me more than i should. To the extend that it kinda gives me heavy boots. It drains me. The thought of not being able to give enough help is constantly killing me.
Must be annoying isnt it to read this because I’m not showing progression but only whine about it. Kinda sounds like whining. Or that i only care but I’m also kinda helpless.
Just like those people who thought they bring awareness to the others but they just merely talking. Do you think it’s the fight? Do you think you’re winning?
You cannot say that because you dont live like them. You dont end your day with an empty stomach thinking what you’re gonna eat for tomorrow if you’re still alive. Being them, is about when it’s gonna be the last day. Because living is so hard. You dont know. We dont know. It’s sad.
What a privilege life we’re living. Thinking about it makes me tired already. How do i stop this thought?
Let’s talk, talk.
i. Tbh, i write everywhere. It’s messed up. Anyone, everyone can just take my words as theirs i dont really care. What’s even there anyway? There’s nothing like originality. It’s bullshit.
ii. Tonight sort of the night that i should have a nonstop conversation. But no one is available. So eat shit? I guess.
iii. What’s the point of making this roman bullets when i just write what i want without thinking of stopping or even selecting a topic. Help.
iv. Promised myself not to take coffee in the evening but well, i did it again today. Hence, the restless thoughts, this helpless brain
v. Kinda want to sum up today but i actually already wrote almost everything somewhere else. I have this way of saying the same thing over and over again but express it in different way every time. That makes it, telling all but not really. What the hell
vi. I hate spicy foods that I cant tolerate with. It just ruins everything.
vii. Being 28, is all about going to bed only after you’ve showered. Be it at 2am
viii. I am so calm yet extremely restless inside. Also ravenous.
ix. Was just thinking about stoping time. Probably because i was too happy. What a rare thing to say. But then i realized i need to say that often. Acknowledging the happiness. The cringiness.
Just, things..
Our friendship actually started with me asking a mutual that ive been following for years and seeing her on campus but never really greeted, for a meeting. It was kinda unplanned. And then she suddenly invited me to go on a crazy journey with her in which i did. And then the bond grown stronger.
We talked about everything. Having someone in different field than you’re in, giving you a lot of new knowledges. In my case, in medical field. I learnt a lot. And i shared quite a lot. Like we’ve known each other for years. Especially about what i feel. I dont really talk about my feelings to people. But having known that it’s important, and then it’s really easy to open up to someone that you can trust.
You know it always pains me to see people i know, hurting themselves. Like when they say, they cant feel the pain or they wanna take their own life cause nothing is worth it anymore. It scares me to death. And when it really did happened, like God gave me the sign that they needed me.
It actually always happens to me. And i always think where this will lead me. I’m also glad that the knowledge I gained sorta makes it easier to decide what i should do. Because in my head, the questions are endless. You really wouldn’t want to know.
10 years
i stumbled upon a tweet about how this guy finding means on his way into 40. he was timid in his school years, always did good deed, and into his uni years which i can relate. having stable life, alone. travelled and stuff but he said it just gets lonelier.
i’m into my 30. and it kinda scares me.
yes i achieved what i wanna be, where i want to be.
let’s recap.
10 years ago, i just got into uni. uni life was great. i was still the shy and quiet type i used to be in school. i kept a small circle. tried making new friends but it didnt really work. and then graduated, i got a job before went back to the same uni to take degree. 6 years into uni. and then i started a new job. lasted for 2 years. and now, my current job.
10 years into adult life i’d say. i still haven’t manage to achieve my target saving after 4 years working. i travelled some. i met few people along the way. the kinds, the fake, the harsh. but i no longer keeping wish and long term goals. i guess i’m slowly losing that patience. of keeping a goal alive. right now, it’s just if it happens then it happens.
i’m into my 30. and it kinda scares me.
yes i achieved what i wanna be, where i want to be.
let’s recap.
10 years ago, i just got into uni. uni life was great. i was still the shy and quiet type i used to be in school. i kept a small circle. tried making new friends but it didnt really work. and then graduated, i got a job before went back to the same uni to take degree. 6 years into uni. and then i started a new job. lasted for 2 years. and now, my current job.
10 years into adult life i’d say. i still haven’t manage to achieve my target saving after 4 years working. i travelled some. i met few people along the way. the kinds, the fake, the harsh. but i no longer keeping wish and long term goals. i guess i’m slowly losing that patience. of keeping a goal alive. right now, it’s just if it happens then it happens.
Still thinking whether to publish this or not
I havent been on this blog for almost four months now. Wow.
Twitter has taken a lot of my time.
There’s actually no reason for me to write anymore. I’m finding it hard to write stuff now.
These days, everything goes viral. We dont find news anymore, the news are coming to us without we even know it.
Just before I went performed for a prayer, I thought about how a tired soul I am.
Mostly, spiritually.
Am I a toxic to myself if I always undervalue myself, and feel like I don’t deserve anything in this world?
I dont ask for a lot of money yet I’m still getting it and I’m not really happy about it. I always think that the more you gain literally leads to more commitments and so on.
I have so many reasons to not be happy.
More often, I’m fighting with myself.
Sometimes i try to get myself backed up but often times i find myself questioning of all the things i dont deserve to have.
Twitter has taken a lot of my time.
There’s actually no reason for me to write anymore. I’m finding it hard to write stuff now.
These days, everything goes viral. We dont find news anymore, the news are coming to us without we even know it.
Just before I went performed for a prayer, I thought about how a tired soul I am.
Mostly, spiritually.
Am I a toxic to myself if I always undervalue myself, and feel like I don’t deserve anything in this world?
I dont ask for a lot of money yet I’m still getting it and I’m not really happy about it. I always think that the more you gain literally leads to more commitments and so on.
I have so many reasons to not be happy.
More often, I’m fighting with myself.
Sometimes i try to get myself backed up but often times i find myself questioning of all the things i dont deserve to have.
i’m a tired soul
lately, i steered myself into tough situations. i lost confidence in myself. i’m not sure if it’s the right word but mostly i don’t feel belong to where i am. i don’t remember when i created this border between my parents and i or maybe i just grew farther when we are actually finally on the same path. i’m not sure is it my ego or them or are we too careful not to hurt each other. in certain circumstances, i try to understand what i can or cannot do, what i should or should not do, but over times i wonder too if they even tried to understand me. it’s tough when you hurt but they say you’re being too sensitive. you have to hold everything inside because you are only a child. “its ok. it’ll be over. we’ll forget this eventually.” i talk less and lesser. i was trying so hard because it was never who i am. now i don’t feel like talking anymore. i love doing what i am doing now but it’s so hard when people give so little attention to your effort. i am half way to giving up.
// maybe i just need a little more time to digest whatever this is and come to my senses again.
// maybe i just need a little more time to digest whatever this is and come to my senses again.
life update
i. im going to have my first ever training in my career journey. telling people about abah’s journey to where he is now really make me wanna be more like him although i know it’s so hard to achieve even closer to what he has. i really want to stay in this industry and work it out. its the least i can do to environment, humanity and future generation. it’s something i’m pretty sure i can be proud of.
ii. last week, it was my third sister’s wedding. it was quite tiring but i really did help more than what i’d done during other weddings. welcoming new family isn’t as tough as accepting the fact that you’re going to have a room youve shared with someone so close to you for years all by yourself and now they’ve gone to embark a new journey with someone who was once a stranger. i’m all alone. i still feel so attached to her. she’s the closest one to me and it really feels like ive lost her.
iii. the most important person in my life is going to have a graduation ceremony that i sadly cannot attend. i wish i had the power to change everything according to my plan so i can be happy making everyone feel happy. welcome to the real world of having a real shitty job that pay you shits but you’ll realize the small things that’ll keep you going. another day.
iv. i had accidents more than average accidents ever happened in a person’s life. believe me, ive gone through everything but death and injuries. please pray for me and my lifespan.
v. friends getting engaged, friends getting married and friends expecting babies. and repeat every year. yep.
ii. last week, it was my third sister’s wedding. it was quite tiring but i really did help more than what i’d done during other weddings. welcoming new family isn’t as tough as accepting the fact that you’re going to have a room youve shared with someone so close to you for years all by yourself and now they’ve gone to embark a new journey with someone who was once a stranger. i’m all alone. i still feel so attached to her. she’s the closest one to me and it really feels like ive lost her.
iii. the most important person in my life is going to have a graduation ceremony that i sadly cannot attend. i wish i had the power to change everything according to my plan so i can be happy making everyone feel happy. welcome to the real world of having a real shitty job that pay you shits but you’ll realize the small things that’ll keep you going. another day.
iv. i had accidents more than average accidents ever happened in a person’s life. believe me, ive gone through everything but death and injuries. please pray for me and my lifespan.
v. friends getting engaged, friends getting married and friends expecting babies. and repeat every year. yep.
kenduri sushi.
11 ramadhan.
aku bukan jenis yang selalunya akan open tentang sesuatu benda. especially at this age. whenever someone tells a story about them, it usually ends with me. i dont favor spreading ppl’s shits around. thus, im expecting ppl to do the same when its my turn telling them my shits which usually a big mistake.
anyhow, wherever we are in life, it’s important that we have ppl that we can share our achievements, aims and supports. to my friends, if you really are the one, i hope we dont just stop talking to each other just because we’re going in separate ways. friends make efforts. and i hope im not the one who stops making effort.
seusai kopi ais power setengah cawan, kerana kopi yang di-claim power tak lah sepower mana, dan mobile gaming sesh, dan ketawa-ketawa, dan perbualan panjang diselangi eye contact, sempat aku jengah ke arah bulan penuh dan pekat malam yang membawa angin dingin. i havent had coffee like a month or so. dan badan aku lebih chill menerima kopi daripada teh. maybe i should slow down on consuming tea for awhile. also, we’ve sort of covered 70% of seremban/senawang roads. so that one is a yay for us definitely.
although i do get lonely over time.
i dont think i should show it.
sometimes i even think of or calculating on how long will i survive.
being so independent is so fucking exhausting. cause you’re always adapting. it’s your mind working and your body doing. one more day / one more month / another year..
sometimes, when it hits you, you just push pause. “hold on world. whatever inside me or my brain, needs rest.” and i just wait for the thoughts to go. sometimes i pray, other times it just go away after 2 hours or so. you should know how your body works especially when it happens so often.
i’ll pray that we will do this every year together, buka - terawih - moreh. until we can finally sahur together. lol? we’ll find time. and we’ll be alright.
aku bukan jenis yang selalunya akan open tentang sesuatu benda. especially at this age. whenever someone tells a story about them, it usually ends with me. i dont favor spreading ppl’s shits around. thus, im expecting ppl to do the same when its my turn telling them my shits which usually a big mistake.
anyhow, wherever we are in life, it’s important that we have ppl that we can share our achievements, aims and supports. to my friends, if you really are the one, i hope we dont just stop talking to each other just because we’re going in separate ways. friends make efforts. and i hope im not the one who stops making effort.
seusai kopi ais power setengah cawan, kerana kopi yang di-claim power tak lah sepower mana, dan mobile gaming sesh, dan ketawa-ketawa, dan perbualan panjang diselangi eye contact, sempat aku jengah ke arah bulan penuh dan pekat malam yang membawa angin dingin. i havent had coffee like a month or so. dan badan aku lebih chill menerima kopi daripada teh. maybe i should slow down on consuming tea for awhile. also, we’ve sort of covered 70% of seremban/senawang roads. so that one is a yay for us definitely.
although i do get lonely over time.
i dont think i should show it.
sometimes i even think of or calculating on how long will i survive.
being so independent is so fucking exhausting. cause you’re always adapting. it’s your mind working and your body doing. one more day / one more month / another year..
sometimes, when it hits you, you just push pause. “hold on world. whatever inside me or my brain, needs rest.” and i just wait for the thoughts to go. sometimes i pray, other times it just go away after 2 hours or so. you should know how your body works especially when it happens so often.
i’ll pray that we will do this every year together, buka - terawih - moreh. until we can finally sahur together. lol? we’ll find time. and we’ll be alright.
five lessons for the first quarter.
i. for some reason, life now is so different than 2 years back. for some reason, i am no longer afraid of the future. i cant stop talking about goals and aims i have for myself and the people around me. for whatever reason, family does come first. i can say, i am no longer care about the people in the socmeds have to offer. they are just talks. really.
ii. to actually give the view, my socmeds are kind of a toxic for me. anyone can simply say, i'm just weak. but being me, seeing and scrolling and swiping people's so called achievements and self-entitlements made me realize i have to stop from feeding myself toxins.
iii. people's happiness has nothing to do with inspiration, or any bullshit like sharing the happiness. i believe that your good energy is worthy only to people who really are important to you. not your followers that you called friends. make time for these important people. it's more like investing because when you spend your time with them, you're also getting the benefit from them.
iv. what i'm doing now compared to what ive told my friends about it, which is just on the surface, is far more harder than what they imagine. i guess, i am lucky. the downside of it, i'm holding the biggest responsibility i never thought i could, even now. maybe i put too much pressure and expectation for myself. and i'm back at it again, i'm slowing down and carry slightly more patience now.
v. there is nothing better than a constant prayer to your parents, your family and yourself. dont stop.
ii. to actually give the view, my socmeds are kind of a toxic for me. anyone can simply say, i'm just weak. but being me, seeing and scrolling and swiping people's so called achievements and self-entitlements made me realize i have to stop from feeding myself toxins.
iii. people's happiness has nothing to do with inspiration, or any bullshit like sharing the happiness. i believe that your good energy is worthy only to people who really are important to you. not your followers that you called friends. make time for these important people. it's more like investing because when you spend your time with them, you're also getting the benefit from them.
iv. what i'm doing now compared to what ive told my friends about it, which is just on the surface, is far more harder than what they imagine. i guess, i am lucky. the downside of it, i'm holding the biggest responsibility i never thought i could, even now. maybe i put too much pressure and expectation for myself. and i'm back at it again, i'm slowing down and carry slightly more patience now.
v. there is nothing better than a constant prayer to your parents, your family and yourself. dont stop.
hello it’s march again
i am half surprised that people still comee here and read my crappy life. people are probably having a crappy life that they have nothing to do and be here instead.
anyway, february had gone real slow but still, it had completely gone for this year. i remembered in 1Q84 where Tengo said to Fuka-Eri, time hasnt really going forward or in one direction but people tend to believe it is, as a concept. i really think it’s true.
being unemployed, i have filled my days with just reading and occasionally checking people on social media recording, or i would say boasting about their crappy life that crappy people would enjoy and judge during their free time.
i love being unemployed although sometimes it can be boring. you dont have money to spend. hence, you dont have to spend your time managing the money that you dont have. hence, you have more time for yourself. you have the most precious thing in the world that is time.
i dont watch tv. i hate tvs. cause of ads. and their crappy programs and shows. i can live without tv but i dont think i can live without internet. but still, nobody can live long enough in total isolation. one might turn crazy living alone and not seeing or talk to people probably after few months.
anyway, maybe i’ll write again in another time. when i feel like giving life to my thoughts.
anyway, february had gone real slow but still, it had completely gone for this year. i remembered in 1Q84 where Tengo said to Fuka-Eri, time hasnt really going forward or in one direction but people tend to believe it is, as a concept. i really think it’s true.
being unemployed, i have filled my days with just reading and occasionally checking people on social media recording, or i would say boasting about their crappy life that crappy people would enjoy and judge during their free time.
i love being unemployed although sometimes it can be boring. you dont have money to spend. hence, you dont have to spend your time managing the money that you dont have. hence, you have more time for yourself. you have the most precious thing in the world that is time.
i dont watch tv. i hate tvs. cause of ads. and their crappy programs and shows. i can live without tv but i dont think i can live without internet. but still, nobody can live long enough in total isolation. one might turn crazy living alone and not seeing or talk to people probably after few months.
anyway, maybe i’ll write again in another time. when i feel like giving life to my thoughts.
i lost my words halfway through.
after thinking about this over and over again for the past weeks, i decided today i’m going to publish a post. recap, my last post was on november 2018 which i dont remember what it was about and i am too lazy to reread. i write from tume to time but i just don’t have the will to publish anything.
life has been ups and downs. today marked 19 days of being unemployed. i sent a resign letter to the office on december 2018 before christmas. it was so sudden but the moment that you decide you are taking the turning point seriously, everything just falls right under your toes.
it’s a new year, again. happy new year everyone. please be happy.
life has been ups and downs. today marked 19 days of being unemployed. i sent a resign letter to the office on december 2018 before christmas. it was so sudden but the moment that you decide you are taking the turning point seriously, everything just falls right under your toes.
it’s a new year, again. happy new year everyone. please be happy.
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